I lose myself in the slow haze of drugs and pain, allowing my faux pas to drift from my mind... Like sand through my fingers... Not unlike the thoughts in my head, drifting, tumbling... Taking me along for a ride down through the dark passages of my mind, my soul.

I have no illusions of innocence, long since defiled within me. However, I do know that even the darkest nights have the stars in them. Tiny spots of light that flicker, but never die completely.

That is what this is... What my life is right now. It's a large night sky, filled with stars. Some of them are farther away, less bright than they used to be; some are closer, but just as pale. Some are like fires, brilliant and warm; some are like embers, still hot yet dimly glowing with an inner light.

That is me.

And those lights, those light my way in the darkness helping me in times like this, times where I need guidance and reassurance.

Reassurance that I'm still here, still alive; despite the whispers in my ears, the death that seems to spread from me like floodwaters. The death that hangs like a cloud, one that everyone simply ignores until it is too late to stop it from coming, that death. I bring fear, I bring death. I am plague, I am pestilence. I am not a reaper of souls though, that is for the true God of Death. I am simply an avatar, sent before him to claim lives, to spread his touch. I am nothing more than his hand, not bringing justice or peace or acceptance... No. I am the one who brings fear, making them realize that there really is a hell, that death will come one day.

Sometime sooner than they had anticipated most times.

Much longer than anticipated in me.

I can feel the bed beneath me, and I know that I'm going to wake. I can feel this clarity, this peace, borne of the drugs and unconciousness... I just want it to last. If this is death, I accept it with open arms.

But those embers are still glowing, still burning. And I must keep them lit until they come to pass judgement with me, when we will finally be free. I will miss them, because I know we aren't in for the same end; yet I know somehow that I won't always be lonely. Won't always be so...

Damnit, I lost it.

Shut up shut up shut up...

So many voices, so many names, memories, lifetimes roll behind my eyes so quickly I forget to breathe as I remember my reason to live, my reason to fight. Those embers are still there, burning holes in my soul, waiting for the day we see one another again...

Man am I poetic today... Yeesh.

"I think he's waking up!" That was Quatre, I know that voice. So soft, yet so strong. He is one of those stars, burning bright.

"His pulse is speeding up. He's awake now."

"Thanks captain obvious. Give him a round of applause." Heero must be glaring by now, but I'm so tired still, I can't seem to open my eyes. I can't seem to get out of this lethargic state.

And I think I'm fine with-- HEY! I was using that! Steal my blanket why don't you? I'm up, I'm up!

"God 'Ro. Coulda just said 'Get up Duo, it's a bright, beautiful day. Come on, I made industrial grade coffe that will strip paint. Want some?' But noooo."

I think I could fall over. Wufei just LAUGHED. I think I'm still halucinating, and say as much.

"No. And don't think it'll happen again." His scowl is enough to check my cheeky answer, choosing instead to sit up and put my cold feet on the floor. I try to forget everything from the past few days, and focus on the here and now.

"So Quat, when did you and uni-bang get in? I musta been real doped up not to notice!"

They all looked... sheepish wasn't the word. Not guilty... Concerned maybe? But surely not for little ole me? Right?

"You were out for a week, Duo. Your fever was the first sign of a blood infection, and it put you into a comatose state. But we got you the antibiotics in time and now you're all better. You're wound is all healed up -- "

"For oncee," added Heero.

"Because you stayed still." That was Wufei.

"And in bed." Trowa.

"And now we can get you and Deathscythe to your rendevous point. You have a mission three days from now. Herro will breif you on it." I rolled my eyes.

"And here I thought that you missed my wonderous company." I tried not to let the sarcasm drip in there TOO much... But it probably didn't work. They all (well, except Quatre) gave me a pointed stare. The silent communication was one of "Yeah the hell right. It was quiet. It was NICE."

I stood up, thankfully steady on my feet. I did feel better. It no longer hurt to breathe, and I wasn't falling all over myself.

"Well, hate to seem anxious, but I've gotta get moving. Stuff to do, gotta pee... All that good stuff." There were sighs and grunts. They all filed out of the room. I collapsed back on the bed after they were gone. My hands went into my hair, tugging at the roots, trying to center myself.

I was going to be fine. I was going to be the same as always, the joker, the fool, the idiot and the screwup. If only because I'd break if I wasn't. They'd break without someone to distract them, without me to keep them laughing. Or glaring, or grimacing. It was all the same to me. I got up off the bed, and decided to shower first. I had that "I've been sick and lying in the same bed for a week" smell going on. I'm amazed they didn't need gas masks. I did... Pee-yew! I got my clothes and a towel, opting for a quick shower, then food. I'd not had more than an occasional IV I'm sure, and hell, maybe I even lost weight. Not that I had much to lose. I wasn't exactly on the heavy side, despite my little session with Heero the other day.

'Nononononono... Will not think about that, will not think about those memories. Things are just fine... Just the way they are. Nothing is going to get to me. I'm just the backround noise. I'm just the distraction. I can live with that. Nothing's going to touch me. The glares, the insults, the wicked barbs of hatred and contempt... Nothing.'

I sauntered to the shower as best I could, and sat heavily on the toilet. I was worse for the wear really. I hurt still, and my side was tender. My feet felt leaden and my tounge was sticking to the roof of my really NASTY mouth. Eww. I really hope I had a toothbrush in here somewhere... There it is! I brushed my teeth and turned on the shower, peeling sweat-soaked, crunchy clothing off and untying my frazzled braid. I stepped into the shower, and shut down my brain. I went into a state of bliss, a nirvana of sorts, one that was making this day a little better already. I whipped through my routine, and got out as quickly as possible, trying to keep the shower-related insults to a minimum. The only thing left to do was asses my woundage and get dressed.

I looked at the bullet's puckered scar, adding it to another mental tally of scars, inside and out. It looked okay, still tender, but otherwise healing nicely.

Shut up Solo, it isn't anything big, just another wound. Just another souvenier of a life that never should have been, and in all probability will cease to be soon.

It's a war out there, you never know...

I dress in my jeans and black long-sleeved tee, pushing the sleeves up to my elbows. I didn't think I needed to have my wrist sheathes on at the moment, so I could go without for a while. I'd still have my gun, so I wasn't totally unarmed.

I opened the door to the bathroom to find Wufei leaning against the wall.

"About time. You were in there forever."

"I was in the same clothes and the same bed for a week. I'm entitled to a bit of clean-freakiness." No bitterness in that statement. None at all. I was proud.

Shut up... I'm allowed private victories.

"Get downstairs, Yuy is waiting to brief you in the kitchen. There's some food too, if you're hungry." I was almost fooled into thinking that he actually cared about the state of my stomache. Almost.

"Yummy. Rations?" A nod. I grimaced.

"Think my stomache just went into hiding." Was that a SMILE? What the hell?

"Only Yuy could enjoy those things. I've tried to ignore the taste, but it's the texture really..." Wufei made a face, startling a laugh out of me. The first true laugh in quite some time.

"Whew, I'm not the only one who'd rather eat sawdust then a rations packet!" An actual, honest to god laugh from Wufei. What planet was I on, and how did I get off? I smiled a bit and went downstairs to find Heero and pretend that I hadn't confessed my love. Maybe he'd write it off as a delusion from the fever.

I hoped that would be a good enough excuse...

-------------------------

So yeah. He is a little more coherent in this one, but he's also still got lingering bits of drugs in his system. What will happen next to our favorite pilot? Will 01 really kill him for his feverish ramblings, or will he kiss him, proclaiming his undying love... For socks?

Yeah.

Review. Please. I'm begging.