Infertility Wars

Summary: After House does what he does best, an infertile couple that he sees in the clinic are out to get him fired. A lot of other madness ensues when House's office gets ransacked, Wilson falls in love, someone gets a new, impressive haircut, and the past comes back in the form of a lawyer to bite House in the ass. And, as if that wasn't enough, a woman who dated House in high school is put in the hospital, and it's up to him and his team to figure out what's wrong with her. What's adoctor to do?

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. (It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's.) But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

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Chapter One

Using The Term Loosely

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"We just can't seem to get pregnant."

House blankly stared at the woman. She was decent looking. Had a high forehead, short black hair, brown eyes, and not too skinny or too fat. He pursed his lips and looked down at the file he held in his hand.

God how he hated working in the clinic.

"Well, I know for a fact that he can't get pregnant." House pointed at the husband, then acted like he was scribbling something in the file. The woman's husband lifted his head, trying to see what House was writing. "But you were using the term 'we' rather loosely, I'm sure."

"Well, I've had children before from a previous marr-"

"How old were you when you had these previous children?" House closed the file, stood up and limped to the sink.

"In my early thirties, but-"

"And now you're... what was it?" House opened the file again, squinting his eyes for dramatic effect. "Oh, yeah... forty-five."

"What does that have anything to do with us?"

"The husband speaketh!" House's eyes widened in mock surprise. "Again, I'm thinking you're using the term 'us' loosely. It has everything to do with her. Women over thirty-five are more infertile than women under thirty-five."

"So, it's not me?" The husband asked incredulously.

"Why? Think it might be? Sperm not feeling up to par recently?" House mused. "Look, if you both are so shocked by what all I'm saying, then you haven't even used your natural resources at home."

They both looked at House like he had ten heads.

House rolled his eyes. "Jesus. I'm surprised you haven't Googled the crap out of infertility." He started towards the door. "My advice... research and then if you still can't get it into your head how hard it is to conceive at your age, go to a Fertility Clinic."

"But-"

"Look, at forty-five your chances are slim and fertility treatments are rarely effective. Besides, you have a 50 percent chance of a miscarriage at your age anyway. If you really want to be useful, go adopt." With that, House left Exam Room Three, slamming the door behind him.

He made his way to the counter and looked at the nurse. "Why do I always get the stupid patients?"

"Just lucky, I guess." The nurse deadpanned. House couldn't help but give a half smile. He liked this nurse.

"House!"

House whirled around quickly. It was Wilson. "I didn't do it. It was Dr. Mandolin on the fourth floor with the scalpel."

"Ha, ha." Wilson shook his head. "Is your pager not working?"

"Nope."

"Why?"

"I'd say sabotage, but then Chase's pet kangaroo would get trouble. And, I wouldn't want that to happen."

"Be serious." Wilson watched as a man and a woman were approaching House from behind.

"Dr. House?" The woman looked like she had just been crying.

House rolled his eyes and turned around. "Yes?"

"You're a real jackass."

House's eyes lit up as he turned back to face Wilson. "Hear that? I'm a jackass."

"You have no right being a doctor. You'll hear from us again," she continued.

"You're right. Make sure to tell my boss that I should never work in the clinic again. That'll teach me." House shrugged and then started limping away.

Wilson followed him, but not before noticing the shocked face on the woman and, who he supposed, was her husband. He couldn't help but smile. He was sure House had helped them, just not in the way that they wanted to be helped. Patients usually hated House, until they actually thought about what he said.

"Look, Cuddy wants to see you." Wilson called after his friend.

"That's a surprise."

"Now, House."

"Okay, I'm goin'." House replied as he jabbed at the button in the elevator. "What floor is she on?"

Wilson rolled his eyes.

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House pushed open the door into Dr. Lisa Cuddy's office. There was another woman in the office. She was pretty, too. She looked like a younger, more hip version of Cuddy with straight hair.

Both of them looked up at him as he made his way to Cuddy's desk.

"House," Cuddy sighed. "Can you wait outside for ten seconds?"

"Nope."

"I'm sorry, Diana," Cuddy stood up and walked around her desk. "He was raised by wolves and doesn't have any manners. This is Dr. Gregory House. House, this is Dr. Diana Drew."

"It's nice to meet you, Dr. House." Drew stood up and held out her hand. House just stared at it.

She's new, Cuddy mouthed so Drew couldn't hear, thus practically urging him to shake her hand.

But, he didn't want to. And, if she was smart enough Drew'd get the picture.

"Any relation to Nancy?" House gave her a quizzical look.

Dr. Drew put her hand down and laughed. At him. She was laughing. Hell, he didn't think it was a funny question. Maybe she dyed her hair brown to get away from all the Legally-Blonde-Wants-To-Be-A-Doctor jokes.

"I've heard a lot of things about you Dr. House." Drew didn't seem the slight bit miffed by him not taking her hand, or by him practically calling her Nancy Drew's long-lost cousin. "But, I never heard that you were a comedian."

"Can only put so many things on one resume." House's eyes widened. She was interesting and not who he had expected her to be.

"I hear ya," she said with, what House realized, was a southern accent.

"Right," Cuddy interrupted. House could tell she was trying so hard not to yell at him in front of the newbie. "Thank you, Diana for coming to talk with me."

"Oh, no problem."

"I'm sure Dr. Snowden is waiting for your return." Cuddy and Drew walked to the door together. The two exchanged a few more words that House didn't care to listen to and then Dr. Diana Drew was gone.

"She was flirting with me. Did you see that?" House pointed his cane in the general direction that Dr. Drew had gone.

Cuddy crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow at him. "You've probably just scared the only pediatrician who applied for the opening here, don't you think you've done enough for one day?"

House ignored her remark. "I didn't know Dr. Snowden still worked here. Geez. He's like 178 by now, isn't he?"

"He's only one year older than you," Cuddy gave House one of those Yes-I-Can-Be-Evil smiles. "What do you want House?"

House continued to ignore her, waiting on her to tell him why he was paged.

"House!"

"What?"

"Just spill it, already. I have an urgent meeting I need to go to."

"You asked me to come up here." House answered, rather perturbed.

"I most certainly did not. Any day where I can go without seeing you, is a good one."

"That hurts my feelings."

There was a pause as Cuddy just stared at him.

"You mean, you really didn't page me?"

"Did your beeper do what beepers do?"

"What?"

"Did it go beep, then say come to my office?"

"No, but Wilson - aha!"

House shook his head. He had played right into Wilson's hands. He wanted to keep him away for a little while and if it had anything to do with balloons and gifts, then Wilson was in big trouble. House would find a gun, then find Wilson, and the two would meet in a battle to end all worlds. Or something like that.

"Are we finished now?"

"No, I can't work in the clinic tomorrow." House ventured. What the hell, right?

"Really?" Cuddy sighed.

"Yes. Me and Wolverine have a date."

"What?"

"X-Men. It comes out tomorrow. I'm going to be there, dressed in my best Magneto costume. Wanna come? You could be that blue mutant with no clothes on."

"You're not serious."

"Okay, fine. Go as Storm, but I'm still Magneto. He's got that really cool hat."

"You're not getting out of clinic duty tomorrow. I have a whopping total of two doctors there tomorrow from 2 to 6 and you're one of those two."

"Hire more doctors."

"I just did."

"Get Nancy to cover for me, then."

"Dr. Drew is the other half already. I was trying to help you by hiring her this week instead of next week. Because when you're working clinic, she'll be the only other one working the same hours as you for the next two weeks."

"What happened?" House loved some good juicy gossip.

"Vacation, nobody wants to work with you, I'm out to make your life miserable, the world's unfair... take your pick." Cuddy started walking towards the door.

"X-Men is more important. I won't be there tomorrow."

Cuddy turned around, a look of immense dislike in her eyes. "If you're not there tomorrow... I'll double your hours in the clinic per week for every minute you're late. I'm serious, too, House. Now, I really have to go." And with that she was out of her office and already walking down the hall.

"Damn." House blinked. "Must be PMS."

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After Thoughts: You know the rules. Read, watch My Fair Lady, and/or review. Whatever tickles you in your happy place, tickles me. Just let me know which one you did first, okay?

Look forward to Chapter Two entitled:

Trashed