Infertility Wars
Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.
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Chapter Two
Trashed
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Wilson was tapping the desk like a man possessed. It would have been a natural thing, but there was one problem. It wasn't his desk.
It was House's.
And, it really wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that House's desk was in complete disarray. But, if anyone thought that the desk looked bad, then they were oblivious as to what the entire office looked like.
Wilson could have sworn on his life that a mini tornado had wreaked its mini havoc in House's office. Well, not his life. Maybe his ex-wife's life. Yeah.
"Wilson!"
Wilson blinked. "Yeah?"
Robert Chase waved his hand in front of Wilson. "You're supposed to be helping. You're not."
"Sorry."
"It's okay-" Allison Cameron started.
"No, it's not." Eric Foreman interrupted, slamming a large trash bag down. "And when House sees this, he's going to kill us."
"We didn't do it though," sighed Cameron, as she looked up at Foreman.
"Yeah, but he'll think we did if we don't fix it."
"Well, we do look like a guilty party." Chase shrugged as he looked over another piece of paper. He had been trying to decide which papers went where, Cameron was pulling trash from underneath every piece of furniture, Foreman was bagging all of the random things, and Wilson - well, he hadn't been all that helpful - he had been tapping, driving everyone completely insane. "I swear, I don't get paid enough to -- Wilson! Jesus! Stop tapping!"
Wilson blinked again. He looked down at his fingers, slowly tapping on the desk. His gaze went back to the three people in the room staring at him. Shrugging, and giving a half-smile, he started straightening the shelves.
"Son of a bitch," muttered Foreman as he pulled another bag from the roll. "How are we even supposed to know what he wants to keep and what's really trash?"
"Trash?"
They all stared up at House, who seemed to be slightly amused. There was no sound, no explanations, no nothing. Just staring. It was the kind of quiet where people hear a pin drop. That deadly sort of quiet. And any other quiet analogies you can think of - it was that quiet.
House looked around his office, taking in the sight. It was rather funny. Cameron on her knees at his desk, Foreman with a large trash bag in his hands, Chase with a butt-load of papers, and Wilson. Well, Wilson was just standing at his bookshelf.
"So, which one of you-"
"None of us!" Piped Wilson, defensively.
House arched an eyebrow. "Can I finish? Which one of you," he took a step forward, then pointed his cane around the room, "found it like this?"
Cameron stood up and raised her hand.
"What time?" House limped towards her.
"This morning."
"And you told Wilson-"
"Of course-"
"I wasn't finished." House huffed impatiently. "You told Wilson, who knew where I would be. He, then, went to the clinic, where he knew I would be. He, then, lied to me."
Wilson snorted.
"And I went to see Cuddy because I'm a good boy and always do as I'm told."
This time, Foreman snorted.
"While I was there, I realized that the entire ordeal was a setup."
Again, the room was quiet.
"I'm finished now." House's eyes lit up, as if he remembered something, and he limped to his desk. He rummaged around and pulled his yo-yo from a pile of papers. Looking back up, House sighed.
"I hope you didn't embarrass yourself." Wilson said.
"Who? Me? Never." House fixed the string around his finger and started yo-yoing. "Only after I'd been there for five minutes did I realize that I'd been had. You're getting good at that lying bit, you know?"
"Well, this is obviously all your fault," said Foreman. "You did something to deserve all of this."
"Yeah, whatever. What else is new?" House flipped the yo-yo in Foreman's general direction. Foreman's head jerked back quickly as the yo-yo came only inches from his face.
"That's not-" Foreman started.
"Oh, shut up." House rolled his eyes. "It didn't hit you. Baby."
"Hey!"
"Guys!" Cameron held up her hands, as if she were a referee. Foreman's nostrils flared, but he backed down, while House sighed and placed his yo-yo on the one clean spot on his desk.
"So, what are we going to do?" Chase crossed his arms and sat on the corner of House's desk.
"First, you are going to get your Steve Irwin ass off my desk."
Chase rolled his eyes, but moved anyway.
"And, what's all this 'we' stuff? I thought you all had it under control. Don't let me keep you." House started towards the door. "If you guys find my GameBoy, page me okay?"
"We're not cleaning this up!" Wilson practically yelled.
House turned around. "Well, you were a second ago. What changed?"
Wilson shook his head. God, House could be so difficult at times. "We were hoping you wouldn't find out, now the situation has changed. We're not going to be your lapdogs."
"Damn, I even had some cutesy puppy names for all of you."
"Look, sorry for lying. We just didn't want you to freak out and-"
"What? Beat you? Maim you?" House twirled his cane. He always thought he looked cool when he did that.
"In so many words," nodded Foreman. "Yes."
"Well, if I wasn't in such a good mood, I might." House stopped twirling, then continued towards the door.
"You mean, you're not even slightly curious as to who did this?" Chase asked incredulously.
House stopped, turned around quickly, and said plainly, "Nope."
"Really?" House didn't like how Chase was smiling. It gave him that certain Suspect aura. "Liar."
"It'll come to me, one way or another." House pursed his lips, thinking for a moment. He decided that he'd stay in his office. If his office was a wreck, then he had nothing more important than taking the rest of the day to have his staff clean it up.
They all watched as House went back to his desk, spun his chair, then sat down.
"I'll go get a janitor," said Foreman.
House smiled. "There's an idea."
x x x x x
House watched as the woman in front of him stared at him blankly. If he had the same brain cell count as she did, he might stare blankly back. But, then, that would defeat the entire purpose of showing off his mental capabilities and her severe lack of them.
"So, what's wrong with me?" she hesitated.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"I believe that's what I just said."
She stared blankly again. House figured he was enjoying this too much.
"Then, why am I having back pain?"
Nah. He was enjoying it just right.
"Because you're getting old."
"I'm 31!"
"I know a 19-year old who has back pain."
"That is not old."
"I didn't say that 19 was old. Did I?"
"No. I-"
"Exactly." House placed a finger under his chin, and in a singsong voice, continued. "Did you know that muscles have aches and pains? Did you know that even if we're 19 we get aches and pains in our muscles? It's one of those facts of life things that we always hear about."
House pulled out his Rx pad. He scribbled down the most simple of all medicines. How he loved his Rx pad.
"800 milligrams of Ibuprofen oughtta do the trick." House tore the slip and handed it to the lady. "Take it when you feel any aches or pains in the general direction of your back."
House stood up, limped to the door, opened it, and shouted, "NEXT!"
The lady just stared at him.
"I'm done with you. Out." House stared right back.
As she practically ran past him, he thought he heard a slight, "What a weirdo!" as she passed. House smiled and noticed that his next patient looked very frightened. As did patient's mother.
At that moment, the other exam room door opened. A cute little blonde came walking out. House admired the view as she left, then looked inside the room. There was Drew, fiddling with a file and making notes like all goody-two-shoes doctors do. He would have rolled his eyes, if he thought she might actually look up.
"Dr. House?" A meek voice came from his left. "I'm supposed to see you." It was his next patient. A little boy, no more than nine. And his mother couldn't be more than 28.
"Are you sure?" House didn't like kids. Well, they were less prone to lie than adults, but children smelled like cookies and dirt. That irked him.
Kids irked him.
"Hey kiddo," Drew's southern drawl carried too well. House tried to get the taste of southern-fried hospitality out of his mouth as she ruffled the boy's hair. The kid smiled up at her, then looked back at House and sighed.
"Hey, wanna be her patient?" House suggested, making Drew look up at him.
"Yeah, yeah!"
Drew stared at him. "So, you'll get my next one?
"It's only fair," said House in mostly-all seriousness.
She reached for the file in House's hand, which he readily let her have. Drew skimmed over it, then handed House the other file. He stared at it.
"Dr. House?" She shook the file in his face.
"Hmm?"
"Here."
"Nah, you keep it. It's like a gift. Consider it your welcome-"
"Cut the crap." She grabbed his hand, putting the file in his grasp. "She's elderly. Remember what you do with the elderly?"
"Help them across streets?"
"You seem like a musical man. Think Aretha Franklin."
House watched as she turned towards the other exam room, pulling the little boy, motioning for the boy's mother, and then once they were all in, she shut the door.
He laughed going back in his own exam room. That had been the oddest thing anyone had ever done to him. Especially since he'd been here. She had some spunk. She might have won that little battle, but she wasn't going to win the war.
x x x x x
House looked down at his pager. Cuddy better be glad that he was only on level two or else he just wouldn't show up. He placed his GameBoy under the same pile of papers that it had been under since this morning. House had kindly asked the janitorial staff to leave the desk part of his office alone. He'd deal with all of that stuff when he got around to it. Not that any of the stuff was important. He just wanted them to think it was.
When he reached Cuddy's office, he opened the door and took one step inside.
"So you're really paging me this time, right?" House asked as he peered around the door
"Yes." She motioned for him to come in.
"You sure? Because if this is another one of Wilson's elaborate plots to get me out of my office..."
"No, I really need to talk to you. It's about the Thewlis family."
"The who?" House closed the door.
"Jeremy and Amanda Thewlis? The couple you so candidly told to not have a child?"
"Oh, them." House sucked on his teeth. "If they're infertile, then I think my reasons were spot on. I told them to adopt. Maybe they should go adopt a kid from Cambodia, like Angelina. Am I being punished for making the world a better place for Cambodian kids?"
"They're suing for pain and suffering and they are petitioning for you to lose your position here."
House chuckled. "A real petition? Cool. I wanna sign it."
Cuddy shook her head. "It's not a joke, House."
"I get it. I was a bad, bad boy. I shouldn't work in the clinic ever again. I understand and I accept the consequences. I'll get Dingo Jack to cover my clinic hours, starting tomorrow."
"Dingo-who?"
"Chase."
"Oh." Cuddy shook her head. "Wait, what? You're not getting out of clinic duty."
"But, I was bad! Bad doctor!"
"I know you don't care, but I wanted you to know. They'll probably get their lawyer coming in and harassing you. It's that Bomar guy you see all over TV. He's really good at-"
"Bomar?" House sobered immediately. "Yeah, I've heard of him." This wasn't very good. Not good at all.
"You can always get hospital security, though." Cuddy seemed slightly taken aback at House's sudden change of mannerism.
"No," said House. "I can handle him."
"House, this isn't-"
"I know. 'This isn't a joke.'" He mimicked.
They both stood there for a moment. Cuddy was still slightly shocked at House's reaction. House, on the other hand, was just letting the news sink in.
"So, it's a curve ball that life has thrown at you. It'll all turn out right in the end," she said
"What is it with you and Cameron? Only us guys do the sports analogies."
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After Thoughts: You know the rules. Read, flip a quarter, and/or review. Tell me - heads or tails?
Now, I love to answer questions in my AT's - so here I go!
No, this is not House/OC. I wish it were, because I think House and Drew would be good together, but they're both too stubborn to even think along those lines. Darn them. But, what would House be like if someone softened him up? I don't really want to know.
Yay for all of you watched My Fair Lady. I rather enjoy that movie. Now - everybody go watch Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Netflix it or something, because don't you want to laugh at the greatness of this: "Oh! Robin! You've lost your arms in battle! Oh, how terrible... but you grew some nice boobs."
Look forward to Chapter Three entitled:
Pain and Suffering
