Ickiakki- Alright people, I'll give you an update for now, but remember that I will not update unless I get fifteen reviews next time. That's right, 15 reviews. I don't care how you get me to 15, you just get me there and I'll be happy. Otherwise, I will most likely not update! Get as many people as you can to review, or else I won't update. Did I actually manage to get a favorite! I hope that happens more often. I'm trying to get at least 50 reviews by the end of this story, yeah? You guys try and get me there, okay? I apologize for my punctuation errors. edited out the stars!
Ed- Hey! Where am I in this story?
Ickiakki- Nowhere. I hate you. Get lost.
Wrath- Wait a sec! I have a better idea. -whispers in Ickiakki's ear-
Ickiakki- Aww, that's a great idea Wrath! -goes to publish false news about Ed proposing to Winry-
Ed- Wait! I can't read the actions in stars! I mean... Dashes!
Disclaimer- I do not own Geico, FMA, Ebay, or any other corporation in this story except for the "Paparazzi Press", the newspaper in this story.
"Road Rage"
'Calm' Before the Storm- Beginning Troubles With the Law
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It was late at night, the stars shone watchfully in the sky, glittering gleefully over the city. The scene shifted to that of a bar- apparently, a big party was going on. The sound of laughter, and drunkeness, could be heard from the outside. Envy sat on the chair, head in one hand laughing and joking with Lust, while admiring her. The two were having a wonderful evening, just the two of them. Both of them closed their eyes. Slowly, ever so slowly, their faces got closer. And closer. And closer. Until--
A group of birds began to chirp a merry tune as Envy fell off his bed. He hit the floor with a thud, and he shot a murderous glare at the birds. They stopped their chirping and flew away in fear. Envy did not need sleep, but he liked it anyway. He could have dreams- pleasant, perverted, romantic dreams about him and Lust... He silently cursed the birds for interupting it. Right about now, I would have come into the room with a flamethrower, and burned Envy alive. But alas, since I am not in Fullmetal Alchemist, and since Envy can't die, that didn't happen. Ahem. Well, now to Envy anyway.
Envy realized how early it was, and also realized that nobody else was up yet. He then felt the urge to drive, but he realized he did not have a car. But, if none of the homunculi had a car, why did they have a garage? It was this unusual, wishful thinking, that led Envy and his curiousity to the garage.
Wrath looked in the mirror half-heartedly. He pushed his messy hair back, but as soon as his hand left his hair, it fell back in place. He gave the mirror a pouty frown, and snorted at it. Then, he proceeded to go into the hall. He looked for any signs of life, but the place was empty. Everybody had left, early, it seemed, leaving poor Wrath to misery lying on the couch. Suddenly, he heard a crash, and a baseball flew through the previously unopen window. Wrath peeked outside to see who did it. He looked down upon the onlookers, while pondering how they could get a baseball to fly through the bathroom window located conveniently on the second floor- to keep fangirls from taking pictures. He heard the dissappointed sigh of many perverted fanboys.
"What the heck are you guys doing here?" Wrathraised an eyebrow as he folded his arms. "Seriously, I don't want to call the cops. They suspect Gluttony of eating fangirls! Which he didn't!" Wrath coughed.
"Aw, we didn't get to see Lust taking a shower," they all whimpered in unison, in a disturbingly repulsive manner. It seems that they had ignored Wrath completely.
Wrath squinted, and his jaw dropped when he recognized two familiar faces in the crowd. Among the tall men with extremely distrubed minds, he saw a short one, with blonde hair, a red coat, and a metal arm. Edward Elric. And, he noticed a dark-skinned man, with a scar on his forehead. Scar! Wrath, shocked, and mentally perturbed, but he could not help himself.
He could only scream, hollering really, as if asking a question, "Ed! Scar!"
The other two gasped too, when they found out that they had been discovered. They then quckly darted into the streets, running as fast as their legs could carry them.
They could hear Wrath's cry:
"I'm telling on you!"
"So, kid, can you get us that picture?" one of the guys hollered up hopefully.
Wrath winced as he slammed the window shut, and proceeded to call the 'cops'.
Envy drove along the streets in Greed's convertible. Suprisingly, he was driving within the speed limit. But, there was only one reason for that... Lust was passing by, and Envy gave her a catcall before speeding over the limit again. Sure Lust would kill him, but he was in a car, and she couldn't catch him. Besides, she would forget about it when she got home, or so he thought...
Now, as Envy thought about Lust, his concentration was driven further and further away from his driving. And, since he had to concentrate very hard to drive well, the quality of his driving began to deteriorate and deteriorate until it seemed that it couldn't get worse, but it did. It came to a point where the only thing that snapped him out of his reverie was the sound of sirens. That horrible, ringing noise that came from the car of a policeman. Envy began to panic, but then realized something. The policemen had not seen his face yet, and this thought gave Envy another "bright idea".
"Pull over!" One of the policemen, also known as "Joe", called out. He realized that the culprit wasn't listening to him, and looked to see who was in the car, so they could find their suspect if he escaped.
"Oh my gawd! It's Michael Jackson!" Joe and his shorter counterpart, Sam, screamed in terror.
"Michael Jackson" smirked, and jumped out of the car with an agility that only Envy could use, landing on his feet and making a quick getaway. Greed's Car? No matter. He wouldn't notice, anyway.
Back at the homunculus mansion, Greed sighed, disheartened. He knew no possible way to get his precious glasses back- he did not have the money, or a platinum credit card. Just as he was about to give up, he spotted something in the dirt. Could it be! It was Edward Elric's credit card! Immediately, Greed gleefully went to the computer room, passing Gluttony, who was stuffing his face with the food he didn't consume at breakfast. Wrath was sitting on the couch like the good boy he was, talking to the police about all the people that were outside. Seriously- they were still outside, Camping until that fateful moment when Lust would take a shower.
Sloth wandered around Central aimlessly. She wondered what Pride was doing, and yawned. She could hear drunken laughter from the other hallway, and smiled. It had worked- her attempt to drug the military was successful.
Somewhere, on the other side of the world, a Greed fangirl sighed dissapointed. She was melancholy because of the fact that- at the last minute- somebody beat her bid for her precious Greed's glasses. She, jealous of the person who beat her, went to check the name of the person who had gotten such a bid. As soon as she looked, she found out it was the one and only Edward Elric. Shocked, appalled, and slightly disturbed, she went to go tell the celebrity reporters (also known as the paparazzi) what she had seen.
Wrath sat at home, bored, and wondered what the others were doing. He had taken care of the police quite well, and made them forget about Gluttony's actions. As for the men outside, the police said that they would need Lust's signature for the restraining order, (orders, most probably) so Wrath told them he would call them when Lust had come home. Wrath had played the part of a naiive, cute, good, little boy well. He wasn't naiive anymore when Envy had actually answered the common childhood question- "Where do babies come from?"- but Wrath still was a good little boy. Right? Someone that cute could never, ever be evil or psychotic right? After watching the entire FMA series, or at least athe episode when Wrath appears, that could never ever happen. Right? Right. Let's continue.
So, as our sweet little boy wondered about what he could do, there was a knock on the door. Now, Sloth had always told him never to answer the door. He had always followed Sloth's rules exactly, because he was such a good little boy, but also because he had learned from experience. one day, when Envy opened the door, fangirls swarmed in, a lot of of them hugging, kissing, and telling Wrath he was soooo cute... Because of that horrific experience, never again would he open the door without looking through the circly window thingy. So, that's what he did, first. It was Lust, and Wrath opened the door.
"Where is he?" Lust growled between heaving, angry breaths.
"Who? Oh, you must mean Envy. He's not back yet. If you don't mind my asking," Wrath said meekly, putting on his sweet, persuasive face, "What did Envy do to you this time?"
"That bastard whistled at me!" Lust snarled.
"I know it's not my place but, a little suggestion Lust," Wrath paused to see if Lust was interested.
"I'm so desperate, I'll hear it," She said in a more normal voice.
"Why don't you tell him off?"
"I tried. A million times."
"Well, why don't you make him jealous?"
"No. Never. I will never go out with any of my fanboys, or-"
"You could use Gluttony. Or Greed."
"Gluttony!" Lust gasped. "That would be like using an innocent little kid!"
Wrath frowned, wondering if what she had said was a pun. "Well, Gluttony wouldn't notice, he's too dense. And, Greed might try something, and- Heck with Pride! He's married!"
(Spoilers Warning! For those of you who don't know, more directed to those who do know, Pride actually kills his sweet little son because his son brings him his old skeleton in the last episode. In this version of the story, because I actually felt sympathy for Selim- Amazing, I know, and I am not being sarcastic- he is still alive in this fic.)
"I'll think about it," Lust said, considering that Wrath had said something pretty relevant for just a little kid. "By the way, Pride has a little kid too you know? If you're so bored, why don't you go over and play with him?"
"Really?" Wrath perked up at the thought of actually having a friend his age. "But, Pride is... Wait a sec he has a kid! That means he can have-"
"Wrath... How do you know this?" Lust asked, looking a bit worried.
"I asked Envy where babies come from, and the last of my innocence was shattered in that very moment," Wrath sighed, remembering how he had cried for the last time at that moment, feeling the innocence drained.
"Well, Wrath, one thing. You can't just go over to Pride's house and say this to his wife: 'Hey! I'm a little kid named Wrath who knows Pride! May I please play with your son?" Lust said, sighing.
"You could give me something of Pride's that he might want, or something, so I can kinda have a purpose there," Wrath suggested.
"Here," Lust said tearing off a piece of paper, with some directions scribbled on it. She also gave him a bag of papers Pride had left in his 'secret office', also known as the men's bathroom. "Have fun," she said, without much enthusiasm as Wrath opened the door to run out.
"Wrath!" Lust called after him. Hearing his name, he paused. "Stay away from fangirls."
Wrath nodded in agreement.
Lust then sat with her head in her hands, trying to think up her options. But, suddenly, her face lit up, and she screamed, "I have a brilliant idea! "
She then realized what she was doing and sat down, and brushed her dress just to look a little more composed. But, she did smile wickedly, and thought of how to include Sloth in her plan. After all, she would be a usefull ally, and the two were great friends already.
(No, no you sick perverts! No gay, lesbian, yaoi, etc. is in this story! And I'm keeping it that way.)
Ed yawned. He rubbed his eyes and smiled.
"Hello, world!" He screamed to the birds that should have been outside. He then looked at the clock, and realized that it was the middle of the afternoon. He shrugged, guessing that his brother had gone out somewhere with Winry. He didn't care though, because it was a perfect, wonderful day! He went into the living room to read the newspaper. And there, on the very first page, was:
Today on Celebrity News:
Edward Elric seems to have been accused of purchasing sunglasses, also known as 'shades'. But, they were not justany shades, but they belonged to another celebrity, known simply as "Greed". Edward Elric has been suspected of secretly being jealous of Greed, and his many ladies. Edward Elric, who I shall know refer to as ''E.E.'', has been suspected to have been secretly jealous of Greed's stardom. Here's a quote, from a fan of Greed's:
"I never knew it!" she exclaimed while talking to me, "I never thought it was possible! It just couldn't have been! I was just browsing around on Ebay, when suddenly... It was just there! I couldn't believe it!" She blew her nose, and began to cry from shock. She began to continue, but her words were too muffled for me to understand.
Edward Elric? Copycat or Blonde Shrimp? Both? Who knows.
In other news, Pride has a son. Who knew!
Ed glared at the paper, and all his happiness went out the window. Literally. It lifted out of him, while screaming, and flew out of the window. No jokes.
As Alphonse came home, Ed asked him what he was so happy about. Alphonse winked, gave him a thumbs up with a shiny, cheesy smile, and said, "I just saved fifteen percent on car insurance by switching to Geico!"
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What does Lust have in mind? Whatever happened to Envy? What will Wrath do? Will Greed and Roy ever team up as two pimps to take over the cities riches and pretty girls? Well, nobody really knows.
Wrath- Would you give me a little hint at what happens next? Please?
Ickiakki- Fine. Let's just say Envy's manliness is at stake, Lust becomes something like that of a cruel dictator, and... Wait! I've said too much!
