Ickiakki- So many reviews! Actually, I asked for people to review. Next time, you ask! I really want reviews, you see? Otherwise, my story will go underappreciated, you see? No, I'm not a ganster. I don't do drugs! And, I don't jack people. Seriously. Oh, and, I will answer your reviews at the very end. And, Envy is Swiss! Seriously. His original for is. That must mean Ed is Swiss too... Oh yeah, I am alive! It just took me a lot of time to brainstorm for this chapter. O.O I am alive? Yeah, I am. P

Kitsune Freak- Hello, friend!

Ickiakki- Gah! Since when did you get here?

K/F- The same way you, Shalin, Kathy, and Phillip all got into my story!

I/A- Agh! I've been discovered! Well, this will be a Greed chapter.

Road Rage!

Chapter Two: "Potheads"

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As Wrath was off visiting Pride, Greed realized he was alone with Gluttony. With no Lust to control him. Greed knew that the oaf had good intentions, but, uncontrolled, Gluttony was dangerous. Gluttony ate fangirls! That was enough to prove that he wasn't safe. So, Greed decided to go to the place that Gluttony would never venture- the library. Greed hesitated. The library? No. It was too geeky for him! Greed had gotten enough money from his acting job and the Donut Mafia. Well, he couldn't get into the real mafia because they sucked, and, he was the only one with a gun, and, the I.D.D.S.(Illegal Dug Dealing Service) was closed from further on due to money managing problems. Kids, Greed is the example of a person you shouldn't be!

"What? Hey, wait a sec! It sounds like I'm on crack, I know, but seriously, I don't do drugs!" Greed shouted, waving his fist in the air. "People are starving! They can't come out of their homes to get food and junk 'cause of all the gang fights! We only sell drugs 'cause the government won't give us jobs, or stuff to sell! It's our only way out."

And thus, we discover that Greed is actually good person. Anyway, he was wandering around in the library, when a certain novel caught his eye. It was the classic, The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. No, that is not a typo. His name is pronounced 'Alexander' but spelled that way. As Greed scanned the book cover, certain things came to mind.

"Wow, man, this dude has a funny last name," Greed snickered as he picked up the book. "Dumba-"

"It's pronounced due-mahs, not dum-ass, you idiot!" a shrill, high pitched voice insulted.

"Hey! Wait a sec, I must be going crazy! What was that Wrath said about hearing voices? Oh yeah, ' The voices only talk to me cause I'm special '. Yeah, whatever. I hope that runt is right," Greed muttered.

"Oh, so you think schizophrenic people are special, huh?" The Voice mocked.

"Agh! That's it! You're not here, so I'll just have to ignore you- I mean, I hafta ignore it. Right," Greed explained to himself.

"You can't ignore me. Listen to me! Nobody else ever does! They just step all over me! You listen to me, or else!" The Voice boomed.

"Fine then, if you're not a voice, come out and tell me your name," Greed sneered.

"Sciezka," she said, as she stepped out from behind a bookshelf.

Greed began to laugh uncontrolably. He was worried for nothing. In fact, he was so absorbed in his laughter, that he began to bang his fists against the bookshelf. He would've done something stupid, until he realized that Sciezka had gotten past security. He put on his 'serious face'.

"Hey, how'd you get in here? You probably got in here the same way that fangirl did. Security!" Greed called, which really meant, "Gluttony!"

"No, no, please, don't!" Sciezka sobbed as her attitude changed automatically. "The libraries are all closed! Please, let me stay!" She grabbed his foot.

" 'Ey, get off me!" Greed scolded, with no regards to Sciezka's emotion. "You didn't answer my question! How'd you get in here?"

Sciezka stopped sniffing, and looked up. "I poofed. It's the newest form of transportation! No doors, trains, or automoblies needed!"

"What? Oh, yeah, right. We need better security," Greed grumbled.

"I'll help you!" Sciezka squealed, delighted by company. She grabbed Greed's wrist, and they 'poofed' out of the building.

Wrath stood in Pride's doorstep, and knocked on Pride's door. A maid opened the door, and oddly enough, she looked like a lot like Dante.

"Dante?" Wrath stammered, aghast.

"Watch it! I needed extra money!" Dante said between gritted teeth.

"Then why do we live in a mansion?"

"Shut up and get inside!"

' That must be Dante,' Wrath thought. 'She has the exact same attitude.'

"Wait here, you little wretch, I'll go get Pride," Dante said, in her usual irritated mood.

"Don't you mean 'sir'?" Wrath grinned.

"Watch it! If Sloth didn't love you so much, you wouldn't be living in luxury!"

"I will always be nice to Mommy. Besides, how come you listen to her?"

"Because she makes a part of the money! Just shut up while I go get Pride!"

"Don't you mean-"

Dante slammed the door on Wrath. He realized that, though taunting Dante was fun, he would have to take her advice. She had a nasty temper, and she might've kicked him out. Plus, leaving a bad impression one one of the maids would give Pride's family a bad first impression. How could Pride's son take it, anyway? Dante hated children. Heck, she hated everything. What a nasty old hag. Well, as Wrath was waiting to deliver Pride's... Whatever it was that Lust sent him, he began to look around, and remembered what he was wearing.

Oh, no, I shouldn't be wearing these clothes! I've been told several times my high shirt looks feminine, and with my long hair people mistake me for a girl... Hm, I wonder if I can get away with transmuting some clothes now...

The maids all stared in awe at the lightning coming from who-knows-where. Since they had never gotten an education, explaining why they were maids, they thought it was just some fancy science project Pride's son was working with, so they resumed what they had been doing earlier.

As Wrath was swinging his legs, Dante returned.

"Have you transmuted your clothes again? Shame on you, you're such a troublesome child," Dante scoffed.

"Dante, if you really want me to be nice to you, you should be too!" Wrath pointed out.

"That will never happen. You know I'm never nice to anyone. I hate people."

Right after Dante's little statement, Pride and Selim walked in on them. Dante's expression changed dramatically.

"Why, hello sir! Fine day isn't it?" Dante put on a fake smile, her left eye twitching.

Kiss up, Wrath thought.

Pride, assuming that Dante had finally lost all her sanity, coughed a bit. "Wrath, did Lust send something for me?"

"Yes, sir," Wrath said in his cute little voice, handing the paper to Pride.

Now, as Pride and Dante left the room, Selim still waited. He then peeked outside the door to see if they were both gone, and when they were, he slammed the door shut.

"Hey, are you feeling okay? Don't worry, I know there's no such things as monsters," Wrath muttered while looking at Selim strangely.

"I'm perfectly fine, and I know monsters don't exist... Except for fangirls," Selim shivered.

"Gah! I hate them!"

"They're overly obsessive. I'm glad daddy doesn't have any."

"Of course he doesn't! He's married! It's just common sense."

"Fangirls have no common sense."

"Hm, you're right."

"Hey, can you help me out with something?"

"Depends."

"Well, I've always thought so, but, moms are girls, right?"

Silence.

"I-I think so..."

"Well, are you sure? I think they are, but what if we're wrong?"

"O-Of course they are! If they weren't, they would be gay!"

Selim's face became white. "You mean... My parents might be gay!"

"No, no! Pride can't be gay, he called Envy gay once! And, he was insulting him, so I don't think Pride, or your mom, is gay."

"Oh, thank you. I was beginning to wonder how I was born... Where do babies come from, anyway?"

"I think you would like to preserve your innocence, my own has been swept away from me by Envy."

"How sad! You poor thing!"

"I know."

"Well, what can I get my mom? I've got something for Dad, but, I have no idea what to get my mom."

"Let's go ask random people!" Wrath cried in jubiliee. He and Selim then went on a search for a random female.

Greed was being dragged around by Sciezka, who had mumbled something about knowing people who could help Greed with security, through the city streets. He was still in his own world, trying figure out what Sciezka had meant by 'poof'. He didn't know that she meant it literally, though which prevented him from understanding anything. So, as he wondered how she could do such a thing, they walked along The Boulevard. Yes, that's the name of the street. When the citie's founders were naming the streets, they could never come up with a name for the first one, so they just named it 'The Boulevard'. But, they could figure out names for the rest of the streets, which was what everybody else who lived in the city thought was dumb. Maybe that's why so many messed up anime 'celebrities' lived there.

In order to reach their destination, they had to go through the slums of the city. Sciezka was always scared to go through this way, so she whimpered.

"What is it? Oh great, now your gonna cry," Greed paused for a moment. "Oh, yay! Where's my emergency stash of popcorn?"

"Sssh! I don't want any thugs to here us!" Sciezka whispered, while hissing.

"You mean gangsters? Don't worry, they won't harm you with me around."

"Ugh! Pervert! Stop pretending you're so great!"

"No, seriously. I mean it. They're friends!"

"Yeah, right!"

As Greed tried to explain, Sciezka refused to believe him. Greed finally gave up, and realized that he did not know where Sciezka was taking him.

"Where are you taking me?" Greed demanded.

"To... Wait a sec? Where was I taking you again? Hold on, let me think," Sciezka stopped to think, and shrugged. "I'll tell you when we get there. It'll be much more fun that way!"

"Fun? This is so far from fun," Greed whined, beginning to sound like Wrath.

"Stop whining!"

"Geez, now you're beginning to sound like Dante."

"Who's that?"

"She's this nasty old hag- I mean, lady- who's always bitching at us."

"Oh! So you're saying I'm a bitchy old hag?"

"Yeah. That's exactly it!"

Before Sciezka could scream, a Puerto Rican woman, seemingly in her fifties, threw a teakettle at Sciezka, while muttering something insulting in Spanish.

"See, what did I tell you! Just shut up!" Greed said warned through gritted teeth.

As Greed and Sciezka were arguing, they didn't notice that they were walking into a dark alley.

"Hey, you two!" a voice called out of the darkness. Greed and Sciezka froze.

As they looked into the alley, a couple of roughly dressed thugs came out of the darkness. One was tall and bulky, one was slim and normally-sized, and one of them was incredibly short. The other two looked like twins. Sciezka cringed in fear, and dug her hand into her purse to prevent any violence, and awaited something to happen. Nothing happened to her, and she opened her eyes to see what was going on. Her jaw dropped as she saw the scenario she was in.

The entire dark alley had begun to sparkle, and random strawberries and oranges were floating everywhere. Greed stood there, pink sparkles and all, with his arms open.

"Greed my man!" All the gansters said in unison, sparkling as well. Before the gang and Greed could share an embrace, Sciezka noticed something odd.

"What the fuck? All of you guys are Indian!"

"Racist!" they all screamed at Sciezka.

((A/N: Why Indians? Because, if I made them hispanic or African American, I would be stereotyping! And that's not right. Besides, I myself am Indian, and I know a lot of Indian names...))

"Who are you guys?" Sceizka asked out of sheer curiousity.

"We are the I.D.D.S.!" they all replied, with even more sparkles.

"The what?"

"The Illegal Drug Dealing Service!"

"Shame on you!"

"Hey, if the cops didn't let you get jobs, and there are people starving in their homes 'cause of gangfights, there is no other way to provide people with the essentials!" Greed scolded.

"Wow, I never knew you gave a damn," Sciezka replied, with a new respect for Greed.

Now, Lust wandered around the mansion, taking in the wonderful sound of silence. Nobody was home! Well, Gluttony was guarding the door, but he didn't make much noise. Suddenly, the wonderful silence was broken.

"Lust!" Dante shrieked into the hallway.

"Dante? Why have you ruined my precious silence!" Lust moaned.

"To give you this! I've had it with this place! Pride's house is much nicer!" Dante scoffed as she handing Lust the deed to the mansion, and quickly dissappeared. There it was, shining in her hands. Now that Lust had the deed to the house, she could finally do what she had always wished to do! Rule like a brutal dictator and punish anyone who got in her way!

Well, Havoc was walking through the slums of the city, depressed. The Colonel always stole his women, and the only girl who hadn't fallen for the Colonel had rejected him- Katherine Armstrong.

A/N: She is a real FMA character too! And yes, she rejected Havoc 'cause she thought he was wimpy.

As Havoc moaned and groaned, the short Indian gangster, who's name was Shalin, was looking for customers, and noticed Havoc's cigarette. He also noticed that Havoc was wearing a State Alchemist uniform, and that little midget's brain was thinking up a plan to get him involved.

"Hey, you!" Shalin called out in his wimpy, shrill little voice. He had caught Havoc's attention."You look depressed. Having trouble with women?"

"How did you guess?" Havoc said, surprised he was talking to this guy.

"Oh, it's what most guys are upset about these days. Hey, want a drink? I'll buy."

"Why not? It's not like you're gonna get me drunk, or something," Havoc muttered.

"Of course not!" Shalin lied.

Meanwhile, Greed and the IDDS were having an odd conversation while they were waiting for Shalin. After all, they had a lot of catching up to do.

"Hey, that your new girlfriend? She seems to geeky for you. What about the snake girl that threatened to whoop our asses?" The tall scrawny one asked, also known as Sanjay.

"No! Sciezka was trying to invade the library where we lived, and I was hiding there. Besides, Martel and Kimblee are having a bombing spree at the fashion show," Greed explained.

"Why the fashion show?"

"Kimblee is bomb happy, and Martel hates fashion shows. I think it's because the fashion agent said she wasn't girl enough to be a part of the show."

"Ah, revenge, then?"

"Yeah, that's Martel. She just took Kimblee along incase."

"Where the heck is Shalin?"

"Aww, I think he'll be here soon."

Shifting scenes, at the fashion show, Kimblee and Martel were laughing maniacally. Paris Hilton, who happened to be one of the judges, was trying to bribe them with money. It wasn't working. So, the whole building burned to the ground.

Well, as Shalin was dragging an obviously drunk Havoc through the streets, he spotted another possible customer. Denny Brosh and Lieutenant Maria Ross had both succeeded in getting drunk by themselves. What luck for Shalin! Now, they wouldn't question him about Havoc. So, Shalin took advantage of their hangover and proceeded to bring them to IDDS headquarters, which was really their appartment. They all ended up smoking pot in the hallway. Well, Greed and the IDDS didn't, since they weren't that stupid, and Sciezka decided that smoking would do something to upset her photographic memory.

As the IDDS was counting their money and watching the State Alchemists get high, the door opened, and in the doorway was a tall Indian girl with wavy dark hair, and faded highlights.

"Hey guys! I brought the popcorn...? What is this? This isn't my room! This isn't my house! And, heck, these aren't my friends!" Mallika noticed. Then, she asked, "Who are you guys? Hey you! You're not sneaking out of here!" Mallika scolded Greed.

"I'm Greed!" Greed began his trademark intro. "I want women, I want money, I want power and-"

"Greed? Oh, now I know where I am. Ickiakki! Get me out of here before I reveal your true name! Wait a sec, if I'm not in the real world... I can meet all kinds of cool, fictional characters! Like Lestat! Hey, you, Wealth, or whatever..."

"It's Greed! I want wealth."

"Fine then, Greed, do you know a blonde guy with long hair?"

"Sure I do!"

Poor Mallika did not realize that she was not being specific enough. It was a huge surprise she didn't mention 'vampire' since that is her favorite word and current obsession.

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Ickiakki/- Okay, the weirdest thing about this chapter is, well, I was listening to rap the entire time. That gave me a couple of ideas. But now, whenever I listen to rap, instead of just Rik, I picture Greed. All the time. And, I picture Envy as one of those weird voices, Wrath when it's an angry, smaller voice, and Lust when there's a female voice... And, Rik when there's a really low voice, and- By the way, I have a picture of Selim, for those of you who want to see it. Listen to "Trance to Homunculus"! The song for the Homunculi! Gluttony's voice is so creepy... He's the weird laugh in the song. Just go to envy. go to the media, then the mp3 section, and download it. It's so cool! Here are the answers to your reviews! Um, about the confusing transition of the world they're in... Well, let's not go there. But, I won't update until I get 40 reviews! I know, you're all like: "40! o.o 0.o o.0 0.0" But that's it. And, it will give me a lot of time for my next update. . Don't worry, Envy will be back in the next chapter. Sorry it was so rushed... I had to update.

The Next Chapter: The Conspiracies of Man Mountain

X-Mirai-X: OMG! That's so cool! You hate him too? Awesome! high five

Rodaigon: Yeah, we kinda... Swapped reviews? You could say that.

Rashianew: Finally, a reviewer who came here without my recomendations! Cookies for you!

Aztec Goddess: Really? I've always thought the EnvyxLust pairing was really overlooked. And, you are an example. See? Nobody really thinks of this pairing, but it's pretty obvious. Psst Envy looks better just standing next to Lust. She's a good image.

Tsuki: Oh, thank you! I'm sure your fanfics are good too, though.

Nikuyoku/E N V I O U S: Yeah, I always kept misspelling your name, so I used it. Except, I twisted it a little bit.

Fullmidget Alchemist: You and many others agree with me that Greed looks like a pimp. But, spoilers In Chapter 54 of the manga, He possesses Ling, and now becomes an Asian pimp in Asian clothing! endspoiler

Eodaiya: Wow. That was a very exaggerated, but very much appreciated, review!

Kitsune Freak: Well, Envy or Lust wouldn't use a word like, "Oh, shoot!" or, "Oh crud!". Of course not! I have to keep them at least a bit in character!

Shale101: Yes, it is. Thanks!

roxri: Okay, well, you just keep telling yourself that...