Infertility Wars

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

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Chapter Four

Hip To Be Square

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House slid a cup of pens across his desk. Staring at the new arrangement, he slid the cup back to its original spot. He squinted his nose and placed the cup back across his desk. Before he could move it back, and start the entire process over again, a sharp jab of pain shot through his leg.

Convulsing in pain, he slid into his chair and pulled out his trusty Vicodin. As soon as he placed the pill in his mouth, there was a knock at his door. House looked over his shoulder and saw Lisa Cuddy push the door open. He swallowed the pill and twisted uncomfortably in his chair. Usually, he'd say something about her impressive cleavage right now, but sometimes pain knocks the fun right out of someone.

Cuddy, seeing House's face contorted in pain, said, "I'll come back."

"No," said House. "It's okay." The Vicodin would start working soon and he'd be as loopy as a fruit loop. Then, oh yes then, he could say something about her cleavage.

"You sure?" Cuddy pointed with her thumb towards the door. "If it's not a good time-"

"Since when do you care?"

"Since you look like you just got hit by a train."

"Thank you. You look divine too." House took in a deep breath and continued. "What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you had any idea who screwed up your office."

House looked at his desk, saw the cup of pens, and pushed them to the opposite side of the desk.

There, he thought.

"Screwed," sighed House. "Even my office gets a screw every now and again. And me, as charming and handsome as I am, can't even get that redheaded nurse down in the clinic to come to bed with me."

Cuddy crossed her arms and tapped her fingers.

"Oh, sorry," said House as he placed his hand over his mouth in mock surprise, "I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"So, you have no idea who..." House watched as Cuddy searched for a word that had no double meaning. "...ransacked your office?"

"I have an idea."

"You do?"

"Sure, but it's not a very likely idea. I have another one though, which has promise. I just don't know why they would do it."

"Are you having trouble with a jigsaw?" Cuddy looked surprised.

"I've got the jig, just not the saw."

"The 'saw' is the reason, right?"

House's eyes lit up and he pointed at Cuddy as if she were spot on, "God you're good. You should be the next Miss Cleo."

Cuddy rolled her eyes and walked across the room and sat down on the edge of House's desk. She looked down and moved a cup of pens across the desk. House sucked on his teeth in exasperation.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, that's not my entire reason as to why I cam down here."

"No way."

"I wanted to tell you what happened to me today, because I don't want the same thing to happen to you."

"Did Foreman mug you again? I told him that if he needs a raise, all he has to do is blackmail you."

"House, shut up." Cuddy shook her head. "It's about Hank Bomar. He came to my office today, practically breaking down the door."

House was slightly impressed.

"He tried to scare me into firing you. I told him I couldn't do that because you have tenure. And he told me that there is always a loophole."

"Sounds just like him." House murmured to himself.

"Then, after he called me a few choice names I told him to go screw himself and he stormed out of my office promising me that he and his clients would hear from him again."

"'Screw' must be your word of the day." House nodded as he situated to a more comfortable position in his chair. "Most sane people, who ever get the wonderful opportunity to meet him, tell him to go screw himself."

"How do you know?"

"College. He was going to be a doctor too."

"He was?"

"Oh, yeah." House waved his hand. "But that's not nearly as interesting as putting him and Foreman in the same room."

"What? Why?"

"Let's just say that I think he's a serious contender for whatever they call the leader of the KKK."

"Oh, my God!"

"Yeah, he's a big, squishy teddy bear, that Hank Bomar." House paused, watching Cuddy go through a mix of emotions. Surprise, hate, and disgust: just to name a few.

"I can't believe you went to the same school as him." Cuddy had a look of confusion on her face. "Why didn't he become a doctor?"

"I don't know, but I think he found his calling was putting innocent black men and woman in prison."

"Jesus."

"Yeah, that's exactly who he thinks he is."

"So much for me warning you," said Cuddy as she slid off his desk. House quickly moved the pen cup back to its spot.

"Well, I'm not one to bad mouth people," House ignored Cuddy's blatant rolling eyes. "But he's a real bastard."

"And that's saying something coming from you." Cuddy said.

"Don't we know it," gushed House.

"So, how's your patient?"

House was taken aback by the sudden change of subject. "I dunno. I haven't been paged, I assume she's all right, for right now."

"What do you mean?"

"Cameron started her up on some pneumonia meds. Mrs. Raye should be getting worse any minute now."

"Why did you let Cameron give her medicine, when you don't think that's what she has?"

"To shut Cameron up."

"House! That's a horrible-"

"Yeah, ain't I a stinker? Wanna go watch?"

"No, not really."

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

"Back in my office." Cuddy started for the door.

"Every party has its pooper."

x x x x x

House was air-guitaring with Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' - and it was great. He would have kept on air-guitaring, except for the fact that a southern brunette was now standing at the doorframe of Exam Room One. And she was looking something fierce.

"DR. HOUSE!" Dr. Drew screamed as she walked across the room and turned down the volume. "This is the second time in an hour that you have blasted all our eardrums."

House slapped his own hand. "I've been bad, haven't I?"

"Please keep it down. You don't have to see any patients as long as you allow me to be able to hear myself think."

"Aye, aye!" House saluted her. Then he started to whistle and twiddle his thumbs. "Not one more peep from me."

Drew turned around and started towards the door.

"Peep!"

Drew turned back around and glared at him.

"Okay, that was the last one. I promise."

"It better be," she threatened as she slammed the door.

House waited until he heard the other exam room door shut and then he went to work. He looked on his CD and picked the most insanely annoying song on there. And he cranked the volume.

It was only a moment before he saw his door open again.

"HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS!" House screamed over the music to Drew. "SONG'S SO CATCHY ISN'T IT? EVER LISTEN TO ALL THE LYRICS OF 'HIP TO BE SQUARE'? YOU SHOULD! CHRISTIAN BALE IN AMERICAN PSYCHO SAYS THAT IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE PRESSURES OF CONFORMITY OR THE IMPORTANCE OF TRENDS, BUT THAT IT'S ALSO A PERSONAL STATEMENT ABOUT THE BAND ITSELF! WHO'D A THUNK IT!"

He watched as Drew crossed the room, pressed the off button, found the cord, yanked it out of the socket and turned towards him.

"You're a moron," she stated simply as she took off with the stereo.

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Walking down the halls and enjoying the hospital scene was something House enjoyed. Especially, because, if you leaned against the wall closest to where all the nurses were, you would hear all of the latest gossip. House loved his gossip. His favorite bit so far had been about a month ago when he'd found out that Chase had given one nurse a look one day, and that she'd practically had to change her pants.

House had been waiting for the right moment to give Chase the news. But nothing ever presented itself, so House was stuck with this delicious gossip all to himself. He'd probably tell Foreman, because Foreman would find it funny. Cameron would just look at him crossly and Chase would turn red. Yeah, he'd tell Foreman.

However, checking out the hospital scene today came at a price. He had to face Mrs. Terri Raye. As he reached her room, he saw Foreman inside. Now was his chance to get the Chase-Pants-Thing off his chest.

House slid the door open and stepped in.

"You never told me the results of the test, Foreman." House stated.

"I forgot?" Foreman shrugged. "She's negative for GBS."

House turned his attention towards his patient. It had been a long time since he'd seen her. She looked decent enough. Short black hair, gray eyes, pointed nose, and some killer boobs that he hadn't remembered.

"Greg, wow, you've gotten old." Terri said, surprised.

House licked his lips, "And you've put on weight! Especially in the hip region. But, golly gee wiz, if it ain't nice to see ya."

Terri coughed a little. "He hasn't changed. That was endearing once, you know." She said to Foreman.

"I still can't believe you dated him. I've met this other lady he dated once, and I still don't see how she dealt with him." Foreman was having this conversation like House wasn't even in the room.

House decided to keep the funny Chase gossip to himself. Foreman didn't deserve to laugh.

"So, one date constitutes dating now?"

"Try our entire senior year, and then you'll be closer," said Terri.

"Well, we only went on one date the entire time. That to me means we had a date. Not 'we dated' because dating, in essence, consists of more than once."

"Who do you believe, Dr. Foreman?" Terri asked.

Foreman looked at Terri and nodded towards her.

"This is a conspiracy!" House moaned, he turned around to leave the room, when he came face to face with Cuddy. "You come to conspire against me to?"

"Maybe. I heard that you once dated the lucky lady." Cuddy said with a wink. "If I had known this before I wouldn't have said no to such an adventure."

As he walked towards the door, leaving Foreman, Cuddy and Terri to have girl-talk, House came face to face with Cameron.

"What is this? Party central? Is there free beer that I don't know about?" House threw up his hands in defeat.

Cameron's eyes widened and she turned around, going back the way she came. House didn't understand women, but he did understand Foreman and he needed to talk to someone sane. Pulling out his pager, he paged Foreman and waited a few seconds. When he saw him coming out of the room he pulled him over to a corner.

"What?"

"I think Cameron trashed my office."

Foreman looked shocked. "Really? Do you know why?"

"I'm not sure." House said truthfully. "But, don't tell the lippy Aussi, because then the entire state of New Jersey'll know that I think Cameron did it."

"But, what if she didn't do it?"

"Honest mistake and I'll probably never know who did."

"She has been acting kind of funny hasn't she?"

"Yeah..."

"I NEED A NURSE!"

House and Foreman looked up quickly to see a few nurses running into Terri Raye's room. They both look at each other and hurry towards the commotion. House watched as Foreman ran in and was checking the machines in the room.

Terri Raye had stopped breathing.

x x x x x

"So it's not pneumonia." House twirled his cane, smirking at Cameron.

"Told you," gloated Chase as he looked pointedly at Cameron.

Cameron sighed. "So, now what?"

"Good question," said House. He limped towards his board and picked up his marker. "So, what are the symptoms?" House started writing on his dry-erase board:

muscle weakness

respiratory failure

"Is she on oxygen now?" House asked as he finished.

"Of course," said Foreman.

"So, with such a short list, it can only be one thing." House turned around and looked at Cameron. "Go test her for steroid use."

"But..."

"She's a P.E. teacher. Do it."

Cameron's mouth opened to say something, but House gave her a look. She stood up and stormed out of the office.

"Steroids?" Foreman looked surprised.

"Terri would never use steroids, but it's a damn good cover-up." House turned back towards his board. "So, how'd the history come Chase?"

"Everything she told Cameron was the same and I even asked a lot more. I couldn't have gotten anything else."

"Is there a 'but' to this?" House was doodling on the board.

Chase smiled, "Yes. I talked to her husband and he said that she had had an outbreak of shingles, but that the previous doctor, for some reason didn't put it on the chart."

"My kind'a guy," said House.

"So, that's why she was being treated with Acyclovir." Foreman said.

"Shingles," Chase started, "Maybe shingles started the symptoms."

"What is shingles?" asked House, hoping to lead his two sane ducklings in the right direction. He, of course, was already planning his next move.

"Chicken pox for adults." Foreman stated simply.

"What else?"

"It's a virus," said Chase.

"Right. What problems start off with the onset of a virus?"

"Maybe she's got a viral disease," Chase said as he watched House write shingles at the top of the board. "Have you gotten the results back for GBS?"

"She's negative for GBS." Foreman shrugged. "No irregular antibodies."

"Yeah, it's never that easy," House said, turning around. "And out of the millions of viruses... let's pick... Hantavirus."

"Hantavirus?" asked Foreman. "She's practically got no chance of survival if it's that. And, she'd need to have a constant supply of rats around her."

"What? Want me to pick meningitis? We already had an outbreak of that. I'm not up for another one of those."

"I guess we could put her on Ribavirin." Chase suggested. "It won't keep her from dying if she has Hantavirus, but it'll give her body a shot to fight it off by itself."

"There's an idea. And Foreman?" House topped his marker.

"Yeah?"

"Ask for rats. If she says no, you and Chase go check out her house. Knock up some floorboards. I bet the place is crawling."

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After Thoughts: Yay. Chapter Four! A big thanks to my reviewers. Hope you liked this chapter. :)

Look forward to Chapter Five entitled:

Bad Medicine