AN: Here we are, another chapter here.
I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!
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Chakotay was almost certain that Kathryn Janeway had never looked more endearing or adorable than she looked in that moment. It wasn't fair, perhaps, to call her adorable when she was commanding a Starship, threatening aliens that tried to bully her or her crew, or otherwise keeping things under control, but it felt right to call her adorable when she stood before him, in her nightgown, wringing her hands.
Her cheeks were pink, and her expression was trapped somewhere between a smile and absolute panic.
Chakotay caught her hands. He squeezed them in his, working some of the tension from them. He pulled her to him, rested his chin on her head, and held her against him for a few moments without even bothering with words.
He felt the moment that she finally relaxed a little. He felt her muscles release some of their tension. He felt her sink into the hug. He smiled to himself when she drew in the deep breath, purposefully, and let it out in a loud and satisfied sigh. And he held her, a few moments after he felt her relax, just to be sure that the anxiety didn't invade again the moment that she was free from his arms.
Chakotay squeezed her shoulders as he pulled out of the hug. She looked visibly more relaxed, but the nervous smile was still on her lips and she regarded him with wide eyes.
"Do you want to talk about it some more?" Chakotay asked.
"Starfleet would never approve," Kathryn said.
"Starfleet is in the Alpha Quadrant," Chakotay said. "Frankly Kathryn, and at the risk of offending you? I don't give a damn about Starfleet if they're determined to stand in the way of my family and my family's happiness."
The slight smile on her lips tugged her mouth a little further upward in a quick show of pleasure over the words.
"It's my job to be the captain," Kathryn said. "My entire purpose is to guide this crew and get them home safely."
"That's your on-duty purpose, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "That's what some people call your job. It's not your life, and it's not your entire purpose. There is more to Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway than simply being a captain."
"They have expectations of me, Chakotay," Kathryn said.
"And you meet and exceed every single one of their expectations," Chakotay said. "You—give everything you have to this crew, Kathryn. And they love and appreciate you for it. You also told them, though, the importance of having a multi-generational ship. Do you remember that? It's important to the very survival of all of us. You also told them that you would never ask them to sacrifice everything in their personal lives, and you wanted them to live their lives to the fullest in their off-duty hours."
"I meant that," Kathryn said.
"I know you did," Chakotay said. "And now you're leading by example. You've already told them about our relationship, and they accepted that. They congratulated us. The next natural step is a child, Kathryn. Some of them may even be waiting for it—expecting it. Before they dedicate themselves to having a child, they might want to see that it's…I don't even know…that it's possible. It's a way of life that they can pursue here in the Delta Quadrant. You're their captain—leading them by example."
"It's so small, Chakotay," Kathryn said. "It's hardly even there."
"But it's there," Chakotay assured her.
He had lost count of how many times they'd been through these arguments—all of which came to her throughout the day and night like little jolts of panic—lightning strikes of worry. It was part of the settling in phase, Chakotay had decided. He had nothing at all to base his thoughts on. They were rooted only in his gut feelings, but he felt that Kathryn simply had to go through these worries and concerns and she settled into the realization that she was carrying a child, and she was destined to be a mother.
As the moment of announcing her pregnancy to the crew approached, and she faced fully admitting to everyone that surrounded her that the baby was real and she was facing this change—this great transition—in her life, Kathryn's anxiety grew.
And with each surge of growing anxiety rising up in Kathryn, Chakotay felt another wave of peace flow through him. She could handle this. He was sure of that. She could handle anything that the world threw at her—no matter where she was in the universe. She would handle motherhood with all the grace and strength that she used to handle most everything else. She just needed to get through the growing pains of the settling in phase and, perhaps, a few other aftershocks that might come, here and there, as her pregnancy progressed.
As sure as Chakotay felt that Kathryn could handle this, he felt sure that he could get her through it. He could get her through anything. He wouldn't admit it to her, but she clearly needed him, for the moment, even if it was just for emotional strength that he could offer her—and he was enjoying the feeling of being needed by Kathryn.
"What if it's too soon?" Kathryn asked.
"We might have talked about it being too soon before the Kazon," Chakotay said, "but I'm afraid that I let the cat out of the bag. I ruined that for you, Kathryn. And I'm sorry. I stole, from you, the chance to choose the moment that was best for you."
"Oh," Kathryn said, a great deal of feeling escaping her in such a simple sound. She stepped forward and touched Chakotay's face affectionately. "No. You didn't take anything from me." She smiled at him and raised her eyebrows. "The Kazon might have, but you didn't do anything wrong."
"It's such a simple thing," Chakotay admitted, "but it makes me hate Seska even more to know that, because of her—because of her teaming up with the Kazon to always try to get whatever would benefit her the most— they took your chance to do this your way. How you want and when you're ready." He shook his head at her. "There's nothing I can do to give that back to you, and…honestly? That hurts me."
"I guess…you'll just have to promise me there's a next time," Kathryn offered.
Chakotay felt an inexplicable warmth flood his chest.
"As many times as you want," he assured her. "But it won't be the same, will it? It won't be the first time."
Kathryn shrugged her shoulders.
"Maybe it won't be the same for everyone else," she said. "Maybe—the second or third time…or even the fourth, right?" Chakotay smiled to himself and nodded, catching on to her teasing over their previous discussions that she thought that four children would be perfect—enough to be a large family, too few to be an overwhelming sized family, and just enough that there was no actual middle child. "Maybe all the ones after this aren't exciting to anyone else. They just shrug and say—they're having another baby. But the next one will be special to me. Because it'll be the first time that I get to decide exactly how I want to say it, even if I know that nobody's listening." She laughed to herself. "They're probably not listening now. You know the rumor has spread through the ship already. I bet if I were to step outside those doors, three people would ask me about it before I could reach the turbolift."
Chakotay smiled at her.
"Then you owe the announcement to that one person, somewhere on the ship, that eschews gossip and hasn't heard," Chakotay said. "Announce it to them."
"Who would that be?" Kathryn asked with a laugh. Chakotay shrugged his shoulders.
"Ensign…Vanderbilt," he said. "That dark-headed ensign from Minnesota that's always nervous when you speak to her. The one that eats alone, most of the time, in the mess hall."
Kathryn smiled to herself.
"She's in engineering," Kathryn offered. Chakotay nodded. "She's always reading something." He nodded again.
"She hardly talks to anyone," Chakotay said. "B'Elanna said she prefers to keep her head down, but she does good work. She just doesn't fraternize very much. But she's always excited when you know her name."
Kathryn smiled sincerely.
"She's sweet," Kathryn said. "Young, but dedicated. Enthusiastic."
"She'll be happy to hear about Captain Janeway's baby," Chakotay said.
"And Commander Chakotay's baby," Kathryn added with just a touch of fake indignation. Chakotay nodded his approval of the addition.
"I'm sure nobody's told her yet," Chakotay said. "So—even if you think nobody cares or nobody's listening? Ensign Vanderbilt, in engineering, is listening."
Kathryn laughed to herself. She reached for Chakotay and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug and rubbed her back, letting her linger in his arms for as long as she wanted and needed. They had plenty of time. Kathryn was under doctor's orders to be off-duty, and she was following the doctor's rules better than she normally did. There was more at stake now, after all, than there had been before.
"Can I be honest with you, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked when she pulled out of the hug. She padded away from him, on bare feet, and he followed her to the replicator where she requested decaf coffee that she could sit and sip.
"I hope like hell that's a rhetorical question, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "Otherwise—I'm not sure what we've been doing. I might have to question everything about our relationship."
She smiled just before she put the coffee cup to her lips and tasted the warm liquid. She hummed in satisfaction.
"Don't, please," she said. "I only meant—I guess it was rhetorical." She walked over and sat down on the couch of the living area that had once belonged to Chakotay, and he followed, sitting beside her. Later that day, they would move back to their quarters. They would go and resettle into their lives and their "home" on Voyager. She wanted to wait, though, until she'd made the announcement before either of them emerged from Chakotay's old quarters.
Kathryn didn't want to be congratulated for what she hadn't officially announced yet. Chakotay was in no hurry to go anywhere, and he was fine with indulging her. He would have been happy to share any space with her.
Kathryn leaned her head against him for a moment before she returned to sipping her coffee. The hand not holding the mug trailed down and she rested her palm over her stomach.
"I think I'm most afraid that—if I make this announcement now, I'll have to make one later that I really don't want to make," Kathryn said. She laughed nervously to herself, and it came out as little more than a loudly exhaled breath. "I didn't know if I wanted to do this at first. I didn't know if we should try to do this. But every day that I spend knowing that—it's there? I feel like I get closer to it. It becomes, somehow, more important. More real than it was the day before. I know that's ridiculous."
"It's not ridiculous," Chakotay assured her. He pressed his hand over hers. She smiled at him, clearly enjoying the gesture. "Every day that I know it's there, it's more important to me, as well. Maybe that's the way it works at this stage."
"I also know that the likelihood that it'll just go away," Kathryn said, "because it was too weak to stay or…because of some other reason? I know that likelihood is pretty high for at least five more weeks. That's an announcement that I don't want to make, Chakotay."
"Why don't we just make this announcement for now?" Chakotay asked. "The happy one. And let's not worry about the other, OK? Not unless we have a reason to. You're healthy, Kathryn. Very healthy. You're strong. It's healthy. The heartbeat is good. Everything checks out. You'll follow the doctor's orders, carefully, and you'll be as careful as you can. But—for today? Let's focus on just making this announcement."
Kathryn smiled to herself. The smile had barely left her face for most of the morning. Her cheeks were probably sore from holding it so long. She'd retained a hint of the pink blush on those very same cheeks since she'd woken, knowing that this was the morning when she was going to make their news official. The smile on her lips made Chakotay's chest feel full. With each passing moment, he grew more and more aware of exactly how much he loved this woman. If he'd had any doubts at all, they were gone now.
"For Ensign Vanderbilt?" She asked, teasing him.
"For Ensign Vanderbilt," Chakotay said, nodding his head. He produced her combadge from his pocket and offered it over to her. She toyed with it, holding it in her palm, for a moment. Then she activated it and requested that a ship wide channel be opened.
"This is Captain Janeway," she said. "I know that many of you have probably heard rumors. Voyager is our home, but she's a small ship—all things considered. And I know that many of you have probably wondered about the veracity of these rumors. I wanted to address the rumors for everyone at one time. I have spoken to you all about—continuing our lives aboard Voyager. We are building a future, even as we journey home. We're not putting our lives on hold, and I would never ask you to do that. I hope you will extend the same courtesy to me. As you know, Commander Chakotay and I have been in a relationship since we were living on the alien planet that we called New Earth. It is with great…great…happiness that I announce to you all, today, that we are working toward building that future on Voyager on which we will all rely. We don't know, yet, if our addition to the future will be a boy or a girl. We don't know much about him, or her, except that they're healthy and growing. That's all we're asking for at this time. I look forward to sharing this experience with all of you. And I look forward to seeing our little one grow among the family that I know they'll find on Voyager. As always, if you have concerns, or questions, or you simply want to chat? My door is always open to all of you. Janeway out."
Kathryn looked at him, with expectation, when she ended the announcement and closed the line.
Chakotay kissed her quickly and softly. He erased most of her concerns with the simple kiss. The rest he erased with a word.
"Perfect."
