10. Family OUtings
I wait for my siblings in the car, listening to Claire de Lune and thinking about Brandon. Unfortunately, I won't see him for a few days. It will be sunny tomorrow, and my family and I have already planned to go hunting. Of course, people were led to believe that we go on family trips every time the weather is nice, but that's not exactly true. Normally, we just don't go to school, and we all do whatever we like (and with our parents' blessing). Tomorrow, though, we won't be lying to the humans; we have planned to go into the mountains for two days, all together, one big happy family. Carlisle insisted on it and arranged it weeks ago. At the time, I also thought it was a good idea, but now it will keep me away from the boy and that bothers me. Alas, there's nothing I can do. The sunshine would prevent me from going to school and talk to him, so staying in town wouldn't make a big difference. I wouldn't be able to talk to him.
When the CD stops spinning and the car becomes silent, I imagine Brandon turning in his bed, and the words he uttered so serenely in his sleep, the words that might have changed the course of my life for the rest of eternity. As I remember how he twisted and turned under the covers, the softness of his voice, and his regular breathing, I start composing a melody in my head. I haven't written any music in a while, but the feelings he brought back into my life need to be expressed, somehow. When my siblings finally arrive, I've already sketched out, in my head, a new piece, a memento of the one night that I will never forget.
They don't really ask me any questions; the fact that I chose to have lunch with Brandon has made it pretty clear that I won't be ignoring him any longer. I make a conscious effort not to read their mind to spare myself the misery that would result, but occasionally my concentration slips and snatches of their thoughts are exposed to my involuntary snooping. Rosalie's seething, of course, but I shy away from her immediately. Emmett, normally gruff and competitive, is sincerely worried, but that's easy to read in his expression; he was never able to hide his feelings. Alice just looks forward to getting to know Brandon. It makes me glad, but it scares me too. I'm still so confused...
When we get home, on impulse I go sit at the grand piano in our living room. I'm the only one who ever uses it. Lately, though, I'd lost interest. I haven't touched it in months. I run through a few simple scales to warm up, so to speak, and segue into the first part of my favorite classical piece. I hear Esme's pen stop moving, upstairs, and she soon appears by my side, already smiling. Alice also perks up and grins impishly at me; Rosalie's frown intensifies even though she's arguing about sports with Emmett and pretending to ignore me.
"You are playing again." My mother tells me, one of her hands resting on my shoulder. She sounds surprised, but pleasantly so. She can't disguise the happiness in her voice.
I remain quiet until Debussy's piece is complete and then, with a smile, I play some of the passages I dreamed up earlier on. When I realize that they sound even better than I'd imagined, I'm pleased and I feel my smile grow even larger.
"This is new." Esme shrieks joyfully. "You are composing again. I'm so glad… This boy must be the source of your inspiration, then?"
"Yes. He is." I choose not to tell her about my breaking and entering, even though she would understand; it's too embarrassing.
I have the main themes for my piece, but it needs an intro. I pretend to be in Brandon's room again, watching the clouds drift past the lonely moon, and try alternating a low D with a chord progression higher in pitch. I keep the chords sparse, ethereal. I think of Brandon, dreaming of me and uttering my name in his sleep. I add a transition, and now the intro flows smoothly into the first movement; from there I figure a way to make the melody glide toward the soaring runs of the second section. Alice sings along, adding a higher descant to my initial notes. I smile at her and incorporate her contribution into my playing.
"It's such a lovely tune." Esme murmurs. Alice and Jasper pile more compliments on me, but I'm busy. I'm still not sure how it should end, and finally I decide to bring it to a stop with a somewhat neutral, unresolved chord. If Brandon's dream revealed his true desires, that still doesn't assuage my fears about our future. I manage to hide the bitterness that suddenly overwhelms me.
"What kind of piece is it?" Mother asks me.
I think of Brandon again and a genuine smile chases off my dark forebodings.
"It's a lullaby."
"A lullaby." She mumbles. "Play it one more time. From the beginning." I am happy to oblige, even though, when I reach its end, my uncertainties crowd my thoughts again.
Rosalie approaches us, scowling. Emmett tries to coax her outside, but it doesn't work.
"You write music for a human boy, now?" She grumbles at me, finally letting her anger spill out for all to see. "And you have lunch with him? How long is it going to be before you just tell him all our secrets?"
"Rosalie. That's rude." Esme replies, but I catch a glimpse of my mother's misgivings about my crush. They are much weaker than the joy she feels knowing I am capable of love, but they are there nonetheless. Then I hear something else, something in Rosalie's mind, something shameful she had been desperately trying to hide from me.
Unthinking, I bark a short laugh. She staggers backward as if I'd physically hit her. She knows I gleaned the truth, and before I can say anything she stomps out of the room, Emmett after her, clearly baffled by his woman's reaction.
"What was that all about?" Esme asks me immediately.
I try to deflect her inquiry, but Alice joins in and I know she won't be easily denied. And besides, what does it matter? It's not like we don't know Rosalie that well.
"She doesn't want the human to find out about us, that's true…" I tell them, "but it's not the whole truth. She is jealous."
"Jealous?" Esme replies, puzzled. "You mean she's also attracted to the boy?"
"No, of course not, but the first day of school he asked about me, and ignored her completely. As you know, she can't stand that. Her beauty is her main reason to exist, so the fact that the boy preferred me has offended her deeply. At least she has the decency to feel bad about it."
Alice laughs, but she's not surprised.
"And of course," I add, "now she hates me for knowing how petty and childish she really is." I shake my head. We always had our differences, but also some shared interests, like fast cars and racing. Now I'm not sure we will ever be close again, but it doesn't matter. I have more important things to worry about. Esme hugs me wordlessly and tells me not to worry about her. She is sure Rosalie will eventually change her mind. I don't know if I agree, but I let her console me. Whatever her reasons, Rosalie is right about one thing: dating a human is not easy for us, and my future is still one big question mark. When I remind Esme of that, eliciting a cheeky eye-roll from Alice, my mother turns serious.
"Don't despair, Lynn." She immediately replies. "It won't be easy, it's true, but you'll find a way. I know you will. You are the best and brightest of us all."
If I could blush, I would. The praise my parents always pile on me is a little excessive at times. Maybe it's because it was just the three of us, at first.
"Rosalie would probably strongly disagree with that assessment." Alice interjects with a mischievous glint in her eyes; the thought doesn't bother her.
"Well," Esme replies tactfully, "she's not musical and she has only a fraction of Lynn's academic achievements in her history, so I'll stand by my words, whether she agrees it or not. There is more to life than beauty, something not uncommon among us anyways."
"But mother. I'm scared. He seems as eager to spend time with me as I am to be with him, and I could have never imagined how much joy that brings me, but as we all know this could potentially lead to fatal accidents." I can't bear the thought.
Esme looks at me like she's ready to scold me.
"Lynn, don't worry. Your will is like tempered steel; I know you can resist the temptation, and I know you won't put us all in jeopardy. Believe in yourself. Besides, how could the boy not like you? If he's as smart as you told me he is, he must see what a catch you are… Beautiful, clever, talented…. What's not to like about you?"
I laugh so hard it's unladylike.
"He still doesn't know I'm… well, so different from him." I always loathed the V-word and even now I prefer not to use it.
"It's true that it won't be easy." Esme adds, pensive. I manage to stay out of her mind; if she doesn't really believe this, I don't want to know. "But I still think you'll find a way."
I can only hope she's right.
Later that night, when Carlisle returns we pile into our largest SUV and head to Goat Rock for our family camping. Normally we just run, of course, and we travel in small groups, usually couples, although occasionally they take turns bringing me along. This weekend, we have decided to do things differently. Carlisle wants us to try and replicate the human experience, so we will drive to our destination and we will even bring our own tents. We can't be human, but Carlisle thought it would do us some good to imitate some of their customs and try to go on family outings, at least once in a while.
The car ride turns out to be fun. Rosalie refuses to look at me, but the others are relieved to see me in a better mood and we chat about all kinds of topics. We also make a few bets about the outcome of the baseball games slated for next week, but my heart isn't in it. If my mood wasn't already out of control, constantly seesawing between agony and unbridled pleasure, driving away from Forks has added another, thus far unexpected, cause of concern. The farther we drive, the more worried I become about Brandon. He almost died in the parking lot; only my presence, and my feelings, saved him. I dread he might run into other dangers while I'm away. Once again, I have to admit that imagining a life without him only causes me unbearable pain. Humans are so fragile. Disease, accidents, natural disasters… Any of those can easily, from our perspective, end their life. I feel like I'd been waiting to meet him for a long time; if something were to happen now it would plunge me into more abject misery.
When we reach our destination, we park the car near a trailhead and easily carry all our gear farther into the forest, up to the shores of a lake, well away from the few campsites for humans. We erect our tents, just props really, and Carlisle even lights a fire; we all sit around it even though its warmth has no effect on us.
"Is this really necessary, Carlise?" Jasper asks him, looking amused. "It's nice we are all together. We could probably play some baseball tomorrow. We are pretty far from any human settlements. But a fire?"
Carlisle smiles affably as he sits on one of the logs we arranged around our burning logs. Tongues of fire sizzle and crackle as they feast on the drying wood.
"Do we really need a house to sleep in, Jasper? Or the clothes that Alice designs for us? Or to go to high school?" His grin is somewhat dreamy, as if he was staring at vistas denied to us.
"Well, no, not unless we want to mix with humans, of course. Something I'm very new to. Before I met Alice, I never even dreamed of doing that. I was at war for a long time, as you all know…"
My father shrugs.
"You know why we do it; to feel human again, and remember who we were before the poison changed us."
"But father." Rosalie's turn now. "What should we do now? Wouldn't humans be eating?"
"Maybe," Carlisle replies, looking at her askance, "but they also have another time-honored tradition: the telling of scary stories."
We all have a laugh at that.
Carlisle joins in the hilarity, but then he turns mischievous.
"Maybe we shouldn't be so casual about all this, however. There are other vampires out there who could, if they so wished, put an end to all of us."
The laughs have died down. The Volturi are no joking matter.
"We could take them, if we had to." Emmett says, drooling at the prospect of a fight to the death. Rosalie looks knives at him (I see twirling scimitars in her thoughts). We all start talking at once and Carlisle asks for silence.
"No, we could not, Emmet. We would fight them, and probably gain a merciful death, but they would defeat us. When I spent a few years with them, I saw things that would shock you. They use human as pets, and slaves, not to mention they feed on them."
"Who gives them the right to tell us what to do or not to do? And to kill vampires who disobey their rules?" Emmett grumbles thunderously.
"Their strength." Jasper replies curtly. Alice just nuzzles him, almost perched in his lap. I feel jealousy again; if only Brandon and I could be so casually intimate…
"But Carlisle," he continues, "tell us more about them, since you seem to be in the mood. You've always dodged the subject in the past."
"Yes, I have. For good reasons. But I'm tired of keeping my silence. I have a hunch we will meet them again at some point and I think I shouldn't withhold information from you any longer."
My father has all our attention now, and he proceeds to tell us some stories from the days he lived with them, in Rome. He'd been trying to discover more about our nature, and traveling across Europe in search of answers, when he ran into them. The Volturi, no matter how ancient, didn't really have any answers; they don't understand the venom any more than we do. But they had their rules, and no compunctions in meting what they consider appropriate punishments.
Some of Carlisle's stories manage to shake us up a bit; I think even the mighty Emmett shivers when our father describes the powers of a vampire witch called Jane, and her penchant for sadism. If my life wasn't strange enough, now it's also ironic, somehow. My siblings are now flirting with an emotion that is mostly unknown to us: fear. It's so new to some of them that they might even enjoy it, for a fleeting moment at least. But I've been living in fear since I met Brandon, so many fears; fear of hurting him or killing, fear for his life, fear he might not be a part of mine. Carlisle's stories fail to impress me now; I don't need any more reasons to be frightened.
Later on we ask Jasper, the master strategist among us thanks to the years he spent fighting vampire wars in South America, what he thinks of our chances if we were to take on the Roman vampires. He tells us in no uncertain terms that we would be doomed to lose that confrontation, and he does so in a rather graphic manner. Meanwhile, the forest has become silent. All living creatures flee gatherings of unnatural entities like us. The hush that has descended over the clearing fits the atmosphere conjured by Carlisle's tales.
The Volturi fade away in roman mists when Emmett and Jasper remind us we should play baseball after our hunt. Carlisle reminds us to scout for humans in the area before we do. A little pregame banter ensues as Emmett challenges Jasper to a match. They will take turns picking teammates tomorrow, but it's understood that their women will be on their teams. Sports and trash talking break our conversation in smaller groups, and we discuss rumors that part of next week could be sunny. When someone suggests extending our camping trip for a couple of days I object immediately. Nobody disagrees with me and we move on to other topics, but little by little, the happy couples among us take off on in different directions. Rosalie and Emmett disappear first, probably intending to perform their sexual acrobatics somewhere in the forest. Alice and Jasper slink away a little later; at one point, I literally look around and realize I'm alone with my parents. I love their company and I always will, but tonight this is something I dreaded; Carlisle knows about my changed attitude toward the boy and yet he hasn't said a word. I'm afraid that, now that I'm alone with them, he will let me hear of his displeasure.
Wanting to get it over with, I decide to speak first.
"Father. I'm afraid my recent behavior could be a cause of concern to you. I know you would have preferred I leave and…"
"Lynn," he interrupts me, his tone of voice warm and understanding, "you don't have to apologize. Like your mother already said to you, you have a right to be happy, or at least to do your best to be. I am not concerned for his safety anymore; if your feelings for him are that strong, I'm sure you will both be fine."
"But father, he still doesn't know what we are. If he finds out, he'll despise me…"
He must be aware of how sad I suddenly feel, because he sits next to me and hugs me, silent at first.
"My dear daughter," he finally whispers, "I wish I could tell you that things will definitely work out. I think they will, but it is a fact that there are no guarantees in life, and especially in love. Of course, our nature doesn't make things any easier when human partners are concerned. His rejection, and I know how much that would hurt you, is a risk you will have to take I'm afraid. I know that, if that's the case, you'll do the right thing and let him be."
"Carlisle, I told you," Esme chimes in, "the boy will fall in love with her too. How could he not."
Carlisle laughs at her.
"You're such a hopeless romantic…"
"But I know I'm right." She playfully rebukes him. He gives up and glides into her arms. While they're still kissing, I quietly slink into the forests past the edge of the clearing. Only once I'm farther away from camp, I sit on a sturdy Douglas Fir's bough, thirty feet or more above the ground, and think again of my mother's comments. I'm still not sure I agree with her, and yet I hope she's right; part of me wants that so badly just thinking about it hurts. I just wish, for the millionth time, that I was just another human.
The next morning we mostly dedicate to our main reason for being here: feeding. Alice and Jasper take off by themselves, but Rosalie joins Esme and Carlisle, probably intending to argue about my unreasonable behavior. Emmett and I go hunting together, as we often do. After gorging myself on the blood of a mountain lion, I watch my brother fight a grizzly. He lets the animal take a couple of swipes at him, before ending his life and draining his blood. By the time he's done, the bear's blood is all over him, while my clothes are spotless.
"You are not thirsty today, Lynn?" He finally asks, apparently sated.
"I already took care of that. I'm just not as messy as you are."
He shrugs.
"I actually wish they could put up more a fight. This is too easy." He does look bored. That's true; even the strongest animals are no amtch for us.
But I know he has something else on his mind.
"Lynn, I can't help worrying about you. Your moods, and your behavior, have been rather erratic as of late."
"Tell me something I don't know…." I reply facetiously.
"All that is perfectly natural, I think, considering that this is your first love. But still… A human…. We didn't expect that."
"Neither did I, Emmett, you know that. It just happened."
"He must like you…" He adds. He's probably the least intellectual member of the family, mainly as interested in a life of action as he was as a human. He seems to be seriously pondering the issue though. I feel a wave of affection surging within me… He's extremely competitive with other males and at times with his girlfriend too, but he always looked at me as a younger sister, even though I've been a vampire longer than him, and I find that rather endearing. He still competes ferociously when we play sports, but he cares about me.
"Most humans wouldn't be happy to sit with us at lunch, but he was eager to do just that. That I could tell for sure, even without gifts."
I don't have to read his mind to know he's puzzled by the whole situation.
"But Lynn," he adds, "you claimed you don't want to change him…"
"That's right." I reply curtly. "I couldn't do that to him."
"Yeah, okay, but I mean, come on, if you like him you must want to do more than just talk to him. Don't you want to touch him?"
I know he's implying a lot more than that. In his simple ways, I doubt he's capable of imagining a love that doesn't involve a physical connection. And yet, I have to admit that he's not wrong; I'd never been interested in a carnal relationship before but I do wish I could hug Brandon and kiss him…. However, that would be too dangerous, wouldn't it?
"I do, Emmett." I finally confess. "But you know that's not really possible…"
"And yet you love him? Do you realize how frustrating this will be if you keep seeing him?"
"Let's not worry about that too much, yet, Emmett. He might like me, but he still doesn't truly understand me." I look at him suggestively. "Anyways, I don't really have a choice anymore. You know we don't fall in love, or out of love, as easily as humans do."
"I still think that, if he loves you back, you should eventually change him."
I shake my head.
"I know you do, but I can't. It would be like killing him, not to mention I might deprive him of his human soul."
He stifles a laugh. He doesn't share the same philosophical concerns that Carlisle and I often agonize over, and he doesn't believe in things, like the soul, that he cannot actually see any evidence for. Sometimes I envy the simplicity of his though processes; his life must be a lot easier than mine.
"Tell you the truth," he adds, "Your self-control never ceases to amaze me. If his scent is as appealing to you as you describe, in your place I would have already taken his life."
"I know," I mumble, "you gave in to that kind of temptation once before right?"
He shrugs again.
"I'm not proud of it, but I won't beat myself up over it either. Some temptations are just impossible to resist."
"For you, maybe. To tell you the truth, I just wish we were back in Forks already. Let's go see if the others have fed. Maybe we can play our game and go back home after that."
He rolls his eyes at me.
"We'll go back tomorrow, as planned. Why do you care? We couldn't have gone to school today anyways, have you forgotten? You won't be able to meet him until next week. We might not be able to go to school until Wednesday or Thursday."
"I know, I know… It's just that…. I'm worried about him."
"Why? You're here. He should be safe."
I scoff and glare at him.
"That's not funny Emmett. And I won't hurt him."
"Look," he replies, not contrite at all, "you are the one who finds his scent irresistible, right? I know, you like him too much to lose control, or so you think… But it could happen. I know you don't like to hear that but it's true nonetheless. And… what else should he be afraid of anyways? His father is the chief of police and Forks is not particularly dangerous."
"Yes, you're right, I know… But it doesn't mean I'm the only danger in town. If it wasn't for my intervention in the parking lot, he would have died already. I understand you don't have to worry about Rosalie; she's a vampire like us. But how about humans? Have you forgotten how fragile they are? There are diseases, accidents, crime, the list is endless. You have to admit he doesn't seem to have the best of luck either; of all the places he could have gone to, he managed to pick one where a vampire would find his scent near irresistible."
"Yes..." He looks at the carcass of the bear "They are weak. That bear, a long time ago, probably also thought killing me was too easy. But regarding his luck, I have to disagree with you there." He says, grinning. "For one thing, that vampire fell in love with him. And she even saved his life already. You're like his guardian vampire, so far."
I admit he has a point, but I also remind him that I almost killed him on that very first day.
"And yet," he replies, "you didn't."
"Okay, okay, you win this one. But I still worry about him. Even now, I feel restless, jittery. I won't have any real peace until I can confirm he's fine."
He squints at me, scrutinizing me.
"You realize you are talking like a crazy person, don't you?"
I nod. He's right, but I can't help it.
"I was right then…"
"About what?" He asks, visibly perplexed.
"Love does make people crazy."
We both laugh about it and he hugs me.
"Whatever you do, sister, don't forget that your family loves you."
He whisper, his voice unusually gentle.
"I won't, brother." I'm not sure I'll be able to keep my word, but I'll do my best.
