15. Keepsakes and Forebodings
Another gray, misty morning comes around. Banks of fog have slowly coalesced out of a cold, moonless night. The majestic trees that fill most of this sleepy suburb of an even sleepier town are giants wrapped in gauzy shrouds, towering all around the Swan residence, their branches silently swaying in the wind.
I hear sounds all around me, but it's a given that I still mostly focus on Brandon. I hear him getting up and heading to the washroom. His dad has already left. He seems to have risen earlier than usual, and I wonder whether it's because he knows I'll pick him up. My frozen heart flirts with a little imaginary warmth.
Anyways, this is my cue; I need to get ready as well. I run home, change into dry clothes for appearances' sake and drive back to his place.
When he finally walks outside, I'm already there, parked in his driveway. He timidly scans the horizon, maybe worried I won't show up after all, but he smiles as soon as he notices my car's presence. I return the smile as he clambers into my car. I double check the heat is on; my passenger will need it.
"So, if you can't sleep what do you do at night?"
Ah yes, his usual, endless curiosity.
"No, today it's my turn to ask questions, remember?" He'll have to keep it in check for a bit; I'm far from done. I finally have a chance to ask him all the questions that have been besieging me since I met him and I won't pass up this opportunity. I stifle a laugh when he sighs and then quietly consents.
"Alright, well, I think my life was pretty boring, actually, until I met you. What would you like to know?" Come to think of it, I had so many queries in mind I'm not sure where to start off now.
"You told me you read a lot?" I decide to open with this one because it's something else we probably have in common, although of course I've been around a lot longer and I have more free time than I know what to do with.
"Yes, it's something I could afford even on my mother's meager salaries. I just got a library card and borrowed a lot of books. I read many genres."
"Favorite novels?" This could be interesting.
"'1Q84'. By Haruki Murakami."
Good answer, I think to myself. That's a fantastic novel. But I have to admit that, once again, he's thrown me a curve ball; as far as I know human teenagers, especially male ones, tend to prefer stories with a lot more action. Murakami's surrealism seems more suited to adults.
"Raymond Chandler's 'The Big Sleep'. The Lord of the Rings. Neuromancer." Yeah, this makes sense. Young boys often like SF, Tolkien and mysteries. But then again, Chandler had a lot more depth than some pseudo-literary writers, and he was one of Murakami's major influences. I should re-read some of his stories. It's been a while.
"And 'Number Nine Dream'. It's so good." He adds to the list in a hurry.
"Who's the author of that one?" The title sounds familiar but I don't think I've read it yet.
"David Mitchell; he also wrote 'Cloud Atlas'." Oh yes, excellent writer. It's one of the novels I was planning to read next, before Brandon turned my life upside down.
"Okay, favorite music?"
"Clair de Lune, in classical. Bright Eyes is my indie band of choice." Variegated tastes. I like that too.
"Any others?"
"Muse, Arcade Fire, Built to Spill, Modest Mouse. And some soundtrack music. I like movies." He likes alternative rock then. I wonder if he likes jazz, or if it's something he could grow to like over time. It's too bad we are already at school and we need to go to class.
The whole morning, which I mostly have to spend away from him, is even more boring than usual, but it gives me a chance to plot some of my next questions. I resume grilling him at lunch, after deflecting some half-hearted attempts of his to change the subject. I focus on his relationship with his parents now; while I consider myself very lucky in terms of my vampire brethren, it's also true that I haven't been part of a normal human family in a long time and those memories have faded. I wonder how much I missed out on. It doesn't really matter, though. I just want to know everything about him.
When he tells me about his parents' divorce, he does his best to put on a brave face, but I can read in his mannerisms, and in his tone of voice, that those were hard times. I can also sympathize with his father; when I read between the lines, it's clear that when Brandon jokes about the fact that Swan males can fall in love pretty hard he's mainly trying to hide some of the hurt his dad must have felt when his wife left him to flee Forks. I feel saddened and yet elated when I realize Brandon also meant to imply, in a roundabout way, that he's fallen for me.
Things are now much simpler in French class. The teacher is happy to put on the second part of the movie and kick back and Brandon and I are happy to spend the whole time holding hands like we did yesterday. Good karma all around. I wish Brandon and I could just watch movies all day instead of going to more silly classes. Maybe in the summer….
We have to spend the next classes apart, but I resume my third degree at every break, focusing on his mother now and learning more and more about him and his family history. Every time he satisfies my curiosity, he makes me a little happier and I'm floating among the clouds by the time we can leave and head back home, even though, I must admit, I'm not too fond of his mother. I know he loves her, but he can't hide the fact that she wasn't the most responsible parent. I also wonder whether her easygoing lifestyle forced him to be more mature than most kids his age usually are. One again, it saddens me to think of how hard his childhood must have been.
As I drive back to his residence, my classes already completely forgotten, I pepper him with more questions about his hobbies. It's soon clear that I'm familiar with most of them, since I already knew he likes to hike, read novels and play music. I remember that he used to live in Phoenix, Arizona, and almost become a little jealous; that is one part of the country we have never really explored. It's supposed to be hot and sunny most of the time. The temperature doesn't mean anything to us, of course, but in a place like that we would have to avoid humans and stick to the wilderness, and that's not the lifestyle we want. If anything, we try to pretend we are humans whenever possible, not to avoid scrutiny as much as to try to forget how different we are and feel normal again.
I'm not surprised when Brandon tells me that he really likes it up here, but that the landscape is, of course, very different. I listen enrapt to his descriptions of his former environment and try to picture the sun-scorched panoramas he so eloquently depicts with his words. His words joggle memories of movies set in Arizona and make it easier to picture in my mind what he's saying. Unaware of the time passing, we end up remaining parked outside his home for a couple of hours. His dad told him he'll be back late tonight, and Brandon is never in a hurry to separate from me.
Eventually he has to head back inside to get something to eat. He waves goodbye to me airily, probably assuming I'll head back to my own family, but his heartache is clear for me to see. Tonight, I decide to drive off. I rarely go home these days and when I did, the other day, to tell them how Brandon had discovered our secret, I was only there for a short time. I know my parents must miss me, Alice admitted as much to me this morning, and in truth I miss them too.
On the way there I see my sister and Jasper, sitting and holding hands near the lake, waiting for the sunset, and wave at them as I drive by. At our house, Emmett and Rosalie are nowhere to be seen. A quick look at the garage confirms they're not around; Rosalie's favorite car is not there. They must have gone for a ride. Esme and Carlisle, however, meet up with me right away and let me know Alice informed them of my imminent visit. As I expected, they're glad I decided to spend some time with them. I smirk when I notice my car is still untouched; my prediction that she wouldn't be able to go through with it must be correct, but I wasn't lying when I told her it means nothing to me now. It's just a lump of metal as cold and unyielding as my vampire limbs.
Esme seems particularly keen on fussing and fawning over me, eliciting a few laughs from Carlisle, and eventually she convinces me to let her have a look at my wardrobe. She winks and says that now I'm dating and I should pay more attention to my attires. I grumble back at her that Alice is already lending me her expertise, but eventually I give in and indulge her. We both know it's mostly just an excuse to spend more time together. Father finds a way to surreptitiously make himself scarce and give us some privacy.
For a while, I can forget some of my fears about the future and engage in some lively banter with my mother, but when she asks when she can finally get to meet the boy my mood takes a turn for the worst. It reminds me that, as happy as I am now, the future is still rife with potential dangers.
"I don't know, mother…" I tell her tentatively. "I mean, under different circumstances I would have already brought him over….."
"Lynn….. you know he has nothing to fear from us. I already care for him, believe it or not. I can see how happy he makes you. And Alice already loves him like a brother. I'm sure I will love him too."
"But at what price, mother." I reply sullenly. "I'm not sure I can bear the thought that I could be the reason he loses his humanity…"
Esme sighs and shakes her head.
"You're always so serious Lynn, but you're forgetting something. His becoming one of us… It's not something we want to impose on him. It would have to be his choice. Don't you see…. When Alice sees a future in which he becomes part of our family, it's not a loss to him, it's what he wants. I know you are a fighter Lynn, a warrior, but there are things we need to accept. You know her gift is mostly infallible."
She hugs me, the contact pleasing despite our lack of bodily warmth.
"And yet, I know I'd feel responsible…"
She frowns, and changes tack.
"Well, then, if that's so important I'm sure you will be able to stay with him without changing him. I know it won't be easy, and frankly I'm not sure it is the best choice, but I know the strength of your will, and your stubbornness…" She notices I'm becoming upset. "My dear child, you and Rosalie have more in common than you think…. Despite the fact that, of course, you are so utterly different in other respects."
"Are you sure mother?"
"Yes, dear, I'm sure you will be fine. I know you. I trust you will find a way to make it work."
I just wish I could believe it as completely as she seems to but I know I will do my best to prove her right.
Carlisle rejoins us and, sensing the mood has darkened, does his best to lift our spirits with some funny story about his work at the hospital.
Despite my best efforts to allow them the privacy of their own thoughts, eventually I slip and take a peek at their true feelings. Actually, I'm warmed by the notion that they do trust me as much as they stated in words, but something else shatters my composure.
"The others are betting on whether Brandon will survive the hiking trip?"
I ask my parents, flabbergasted, my muscles involuntarily tensing and my venom flooding my mouth in spurts. I feel angry a first, but then anger soon turns to sadness. Why can't they understand how I feel about Brandon?
Esme and Carlisle exchange a chagrined look and then do their best to calm me down.
"Lynn," Carlisle intones "you know how childish your siblings can be, and how betting on everything under the sun helps them deal with the boredom we all feel at times. Despise them for it, if you really need to, but don't forget they are part of our family and that you love them too. Any rash action would have dire consequences…"
My father's wisdom brings me back from the brink of frenzy, and eventually I can cool enough to reflect that it's not such a big deal. Under different circumstances, I would have probably been happy to gamble with them. But there is one thing I need to find out, and so, in control of my powers and still determined not to intrude, I ask them one simple question…
"So, who's bet against me? Who dared? I'm just curious."
Esme shrugs; she's not interested in those childish contests of ours. Carlisle patiently explains that Alice and Emmett think Brandon will survive, while Rosalie and Jasper have bet that I will take his life. Still, he urges me not to take it too seriously. Rosalie is still quite mad at me and she wants to see me fail, possibly unaware of how tragic the consequences of such failure may entail, and Jasper resents what I remember Alice once termed my 'smugness'. It's true; I've never been afraid to show off my superior self-control. It pains me, but I must accept that I'm far from being the perfect sister I sometimes delude myself to be.
"Is it really possible that I might hurt Brandon?" I ask them out of the blue. I just need to know what they think. "Am I really endangering him?"
"No, Lynn…" Esme hugs me again, and won't let go for a long while. "I know you won't. I know you better than you know yourself. You won't hurt him. You've been overconfident, in the past, for a reason; you have more control over your actions than any of us, except, perhaps, for your father."
Carlisle tries to deny that, modest as usual, but Esme and I won't let him. Still, her trust has given me strength, and as I leave I promise to myself that I will not let them down.
Driving back to Brandon's place I consider talking to Jasper and Alice but in the end decide not to; I'm still cross at them for indulging in this abominable bet of theirs. I need more time to cool down. I'll talk to them the next day.
Soon I retake my old post and spend another night nor far from the boy of my dreams, listening to the sounds of the forest. They used to be one of the few things that kept me sane, but now they're more like the soundtrack of my transformation. The future is still uncertain, and that worries me, but I try to push the thought away from me. The boy is restless tonight. I hear him turning under the covers, probably unable to sleep. When he finally does, he provides a pleasant distraction by mumbling my name again in his sleep. I bask in the happiness it awakes in my dormant heart.
On Friday morning, when he walks out, clearly sleepy and barely awake, I'm already in his driveway, waiting for him, at the wheel of my car. I fend off some vague attempts of his to turn the tables and ask me more about me, and resume my quest to learn as much as possible about his background.
At first I delve more deeply into his literary tastes, but shift gears a little when I realize the simple fact that he likes to read sets him apart from most kids his age.
"What got you interested in reading? These days many kids your age don't read at all, unless it's text messages on a computer screen." I end up asking him, eager to hear his reply.
"When I was in junior high school I had a reading assignment. I really enjoyed the book I picked and luckily the guy my mom was dating at the time lent me a few novels."
This is interesting. A turning point in his life. Those can be truly momentous; I should know. If it wasn't for one of those I wouldn't be here today.
"What book was it? The first one you read, I mean." He looks oddly please when I asked him that, as if he was hoping I would.
"Well, keep in mind that I was eleven or twelve when I read it and it was a book written for children. You probably never even heard of it. To be honest, it's still one of my favorites. It was called 'How to Become King', and I think the writer was actually Dutch. Obviously I read an English version."
"Now I'm rather curious. You're right, I haven't read it. What is it about?"
This is surprising; I thought I'd already devoured or at least collected almost every novel worth reading.
"It's about a kid who has to face a series of challenges to become the next king of a fictional land. The overall plot is nothing unique; the beauty of the book is that every challenge is obviously a metaphor for problems that affect our society and how they could be solved if people were less selfish and more willing to work together."
It does sound interesting, and not at like other kids' books. I also like his enthusiasm. He really loves that book.
"I still have a copy, if you want to borrow it." He adds shyly.
"I think I will." I reply as we walk, hand in hand, past students still stunned by our pairing and openly gaping at us. Brandon's friends now take us for granted, but other kids still hadn't heard the news. I walk with my head held proudly high. I want all of them to know that Brandon and I are together..
When we separate to attend our classes, at first I'm rather distracted, still reliving in my mind some of the events of the last few days…. Not long ago I was afraid to even look at him and now I can spend time with him, ask him all the questions that had been festering in my mind, driving me mad, and I even got to hold his hand for a bit. Life is so unpredictable. And his scent, while still painful to endure, doesn't seem to exert the deadly attraction it used to. My constant exposure to it is definitely helping. I'm even feeling tentatively optimistic about the future.
Jessica is in one of those classes, and I decide to briefly scan her mind. When she notices me, her thoughts take a dark turn.
'Look at the former ice queen. She must be feeling so smug. She never paid attention to any of us, but when she did see a boy she liked she could get him right away. It was never a contest…. Brandon only has eyes for her. It must be nice to be a Cullen. They can always get whatever they want, or so it seems.'
But soon after, her mind drifts in a rather different direction, taking me by surprise.
'I wonder if they have already kissed. And if they have, what could his technique be like? Has he ever had a girlfriend? Would he take the lead, or would he wait for a more experienced partner to do so…."
He words devolve into graphic images, and I hastily sever our telepathic link. Not long ago, I would have cursed humans and their endless preoccupation with mates and reproduction, but now I feel embarrassed instead. When I allow myself to indulge in a similar fantasy, albeit with me in her place, and wonder how it would feel to hug him and press my lips against his, my body sends confusing signals to my brain, an odd mixture of pleasure and pain, a stirring of desires I'd been, so far, unfamiliar with…. They have a physical effect on me; it's like some of my inner organs are trying to rearrange themselves, to transform into something different. This is madness. Oh, Brandon, I wonder, in how many ways will I be putting your life in danger? I shake my head.
When I enter my next class I'm still distracted by the fantasies Jessica's filthy mind has awakened in me and odd sensations I'd never experienced before. Paradigm shifts I thought would be impossible are nevertheless happening, even without my consent. Since I know my body is actually rather immutable, I can only surmise that it is being affected by some momentous changes in my psyche. Those are also rare, but, in my case, they are also undeniable.
My head is still in the clouds when Alice jumps into the seat next to me and addresses me in an agitated, quivery voice.
"Lynn, what is going on?" She practically hurls at me. "What's wrong with you?"
Before I can reply that I don't what she's talking about, I instinctively enter her mind and find myself wrapped in one of her visions. It is a dark one, full of murk and empty spaces, and composed around the shriveled, blood-drained corpse of Brandon. I'm kneeling next to him, a dark red liquid dipping from my half open mouth. I'm holding my head with my hands. I don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out, with a sinking feeling in my chest, that I'm responsible for the tragedy filling her thoughts.
I reel, as if I'd been physically struck, but I regain my composure when I remember that it's an old vision, one she showed me before, and also one that I thought couldn't come to pass anymore.
"Alice, what's going on? Why are you showing me this old vision of yours? Surely, we must be past all that…."
She scoffs, a strange expression turning her face into an image of sorrow.
"We thought this possible future had been banished, but it isn't so. It's back. I just saw it again. And look…. Look at where this all transpires…"
I grit my teeth and search her thoughts again, bracing myself for the horror waiting there. As I do so, the shadows that filled the background part, revealing a meadow far away from civilization, filled only with flowers and wildlife.
"No," I say under my breath but still loud enough to elicit a puzzled glance from our teacher. Class hasn't started and he's still checking attendance. We continue the conversation at volumes that make it impossible for humans to overhear us.
"You must be wrong!" I whisper to Alice. "This is impossible. You know how feel about him I can't see myself losing control anymore and…."
"Lynn, listen to me…. I don't care what you think. Something in your plan for tomorrow has made this thread a viable one again. It's not the only possibility, but right now it is the most likely to take place. I'm sorry, but my talent doesn't lie. Maybe you've become overconfident…. I'm not sure. But the danger is clear."
"I don't believe it." How can it be true? After all that's happened, and how close we finally got to each other… No. It isn't possible. And yet… when has she ever been wrong?
"Lynn…. We don't have time to waste. I love him like a brother already, and I won't let you put his life in danger. He doesn't deserve this, and let's not even talk about what it would do to you. I don't want to lose both a brother and my favorite sister." I'm sure she also wishes she could cry, but her determination is unshakeable.
"But Alice, there must be something wrong… I'm telling you."
She shakes her head, resolute.
"No, Lynn, don't be careless. In my vision, that's what could lead to ruin. You may think, or even believe, that you are in complete control but clairvoyance tells me otherwise. This is serious, and, if you care about him as much as you tell me you do, we can't ignore it. At lunch you'll make up some excuse and leave with me. We must do everything we can to make sure that this particular future doesn't become reality. We'll go hunting first, so your thirst will be less of an issue."
I try to fight her on this at first, but eventually I give in. I know I can't change her mind and now I'm worried too, scared that a moment of carelessness could undo all the efforts I've put into getting closer to him.
The rest of the class, I just turn images of her vision in my mind, again and again, a taste of ashes in my mouth and an unshakeable sense of dread tingling, like a fever, in my bones. My dreams for a future with him try to reassert themselves, but can't quite do it.
When I finally see him again, at lunch, I put on a brave face and resume my questioning. I don't want him to see how worried I am. I grope blindly for some topics of conversation and end up asking him more about music and his mother; maybe listening to him will at least be a distraction.
When we should return to class, I can't postpone the bad news I must give him any longer.
"I'm sorry, Brandon, but I have to leave early today. I should have let you drive your own truck I suppose, but I didn't want to waste any time we could spend together."
I don't want to tell him something has just come up. I don't want him to worry. This is my burden.
"I see." He answers, bravely trying to hide his evident disappointment. "Don't worry about it. You know I like to walk and I'm glad you gave me a ride. I just wish you didn't have to go so soon. French will be really boring now."
Even now, he can find me a way to make me laugh.
"Yes, it will. Won't it? But it's for the best. I'm going hunting with Alice. If I am going to spend the whole day with you tomorrow, I need to make sure I'm not thirsty…." Not quite the full truth, but at least part of it. He already knows there are risks, after all.
"With Alice?" He asks, his curiosity piqued. At least he doesn't realize how suddenly my plans have changed and doesn't question me further on my motives. "Why only her?"
Thankfully, this is something I can answer easily.
"Well, she's the most supportive. I told you I can read minds, but she also has a unique talent; she can see the future. She knew this was coming, and she says you and her will be best friends one day."
I was going to tell him sooner or later.
"Okay, that's cool." I search his face for sign of fear or concern but find none. He's not afraid of my siblings either, although maybe he should be.
"You'll have to tell me more about her skills when I'm finally allowed to ask you questions again. But allow me one about a related topic for now," he asks, pouting. "Does that mean the others don't like me?"
"It's not that; they don't really know you." I scramble, thinking of something I can tell him, something honest but not too heavy, or too discouraging. If I can get through tomorrow's turning point he will eventually befriend them, I'm sure of that. At this point in time, full disclosure might be a bad idea.
"They're just, well, incredulous. You don't know how many years I've been alone, never thinking I needed more than myself and my family. They're all just as surprised as I am, almost shocked really. Most of them are glad I met you, although a little worried, but Rosalie is really upset. She's mad because a human knows so much about us. It makes her nervous."
"I see…"
The seconds are ticking away and Alice will be whisking me away soon. I've been trying not to think about it, but if we can't dispel that vision of hers, if it looks like it could be the only outcome of going to the meadow with him, I might have to go away forever. I might never see him again. Darkness and agony beckon, but I stave them off, distracted by another thought.
"There is one thing I'd like to ask you before I leave…." I mumble, feeling unexpectedly shy now. "I'm a little old fashioned, as you probably noticed by now, and I would like you to give me something that belongs to you, something I could wear or keep with me all the time. Like a token of our feelings for each other, or a keepsake. I know, it's a little silly and of course you don't have to, but it would make me really happy."
For a few seconds he looks too stunned to talk. Just when I'm about to ask him if he's fine, actually worried about his wellbeing, he finally responds.
"It's not silly at all. Actually, I'd like that too."
He looks thoughtful, now, probably considering possible ways of satisfying my odd request. Then he pulls out a string around his neck. At the end of it dangles a crescent moon made of bleached bone. He takes it off and hands it to me.
"One of my mom's cousins went to Thailand last year and brought this back. It's not jewelry, I know, and it's just a cheap souvenir, but it's all I have right now. I'd like you to wear it…"
One of his mighty blushes suffuses his face with warm, delicious blood. I look at it and smile.
"This is perfect. It's very pretty and you've been wearing it... Are you sure you don't mind? I really don't want to impose…"
"Nonsense. I really want you to have it. Besides, I have another one. My relative brought two back. That way we could both wear one."
It will be another way to tell the world we are together, I think to myself, or something for me to remember him by if things don't turn out the way I hope they will. Some of the happiness I'd felt this morning comes back to me as I put it on. But unlike he used to do, I don't hide it underneath my top… I leave it outside; it is something for all to see.
"I'm so glad. And you would really like to wear something I give you? You weren't joking?"
"No, I wasn't joking; I'd love to. As long as it's not too feminine of course." He says, his face contorting in an expression I interpret as unhappy. I also recognize he's joking.
I laugh and untie a slim leather bracelet on my left arm and wrap it around his left wrist. It's not much, but I hope he likes it.
"It's just a trinket I bought in Alaska. We like the north. The cold doesn't bother us and the short hours of sunlight really suit us."
"Thank you Lynn." He seems really happy, and this makes me rejoice as well. Unfortunately it's time to go. Alice is already here, waiting for me to make some official introductions. I oblige, dark clouds filling my mind again.
"Hi Brandon. It's nice to finally be able to talk to you. I've been looking forward to it." My sister trills at him.
"Likewise." He mutters, a little tentative but, as far as I can tell, also pleased.
"You two make a great couple." Alice smiles mischievously as she says it, making his cheeks fill with blood again.
"Thank you Alice. I'm happy you are so supportive of Lynn." He stammers back at her.
"Are you ready, Lynn?" Alice asks me, a pointed stare aimed squarely at me.
"We can get your truck to school if you want, it's no problem." I tell Brandon. It's something that just came to mind but we can arrange it easily.
"No. Honestly, I'd rather walk. I need some exercise since I can't go to soccer practice this week. It doesn't look like it will rain soon. I'll be fine."
"Okay." I decide not to be pushy. Besides, I know how much he likes to walk and how badly he wants to play soccer again. I sigh inwardly, take his hands in mine and lose myself in his eyes.
When I ask him whether he thinks he can stay safe until tomorrow he nods and tells me to go and have fun.
I nod and walk out with Alice. As I do, I keep wanting to turn back to look at him but I manage not to.
