16. The Longest Night

I glumly walk outside with Alice, already missing Brandon and worried about my sister's visions. While I was busy talking to him, in the cafeteria, it started drizzling. We wade across a few puddles on the way to my car. I'm just staring at my feet as we walk, my mind lost in a maze of desires, hopes and recriminations. A bitter, scornful laugh blooms on my lips when I remind myself that, not so long ago, I was bored out of my mind and still didn't understand the meaning of the word 'love'. Then, appearing out of the gathering mist, Jasper greets us, his voice steeped in the southern drawl he usually chooses to hide when we are at school.

My head whips up so I can look at him, my teeth clenched and grinding.

"What are you doing here? Trying to make sure you win your stupid bet? The death of another human is nothing to you then…."

My tone of voice is harsher than I intended it to be…. What's a silly bet in the grand scheme of things? Nothing really. Besides, by now I should know he goes wherever Alice is. No matter, his callousness still bothers me. So little respect for human life. But I have to admit Alice's news set me on edge; I'm also venting some of my anger. At least I know things won't get out of control. I'm sure Alice wouldn't have let him join us if it could lead to a fight.

Jasper backs off, raising his open hands in a placating gesture and casting a quick glance at Alice, who just winks at me.

"Peace, sister dear. You know how fond we are of gambling. I didn't mean anything by it, but Alice told me it made you really upset and I wanted to apologize."

I scoff, but my body relaxes a little. I wonder whether he's affecting my mood but no, I can usually tell when he does. It's just that I have other things on my mind. But then again, an incontrollable urge to explain myself forces me to utter a few more words.

"I'm not really mad at you…. But it was disappointing. You all know I have been alone, and in a sense lonely, for a long time. I know, he's a human; that is a major complication. Still, I would have hoped that my beloved siblings could have found it in them to try and see things from my perspective. I know you see them as inferiors…. You made that clear."

"I know, I'm sorry. That's partly why I'm here. It's true that sometimes I look down on them, and that my self-control can't rival yours. We've had very different lives, and believe in different things. But I understand that you love him, and I can't bear to think how losing Alice would affect me…. I apologize again milady, and I promise I will do anything I can to help you get through tomorrow, even though that means losing the bet. Whatever. Money means nothing to us, and there will be new bets soon enough."

He looks really contrite, and I remember Carlisle's words. He told me Jasper wasn't too happy with my contemptuous dislike of his lack of rstraint, and I have to admit there is some truth in that. I definitely love my family, and have loved them since long before I met Brandon, and yet I'd always considered myself different from them, maybe even superior to them in some ways. I now realized I was selfish, ready to tease him for his weakness, always rubbing it in, showing off my self-control. I was so blind.

"No, I understand it in a way…" I reply in a mellower, more conciliatory tone. "I always thought I was so smart, and I am in some ways, but now I can see I didn't really empathize enough, especially with you. Like you said, we've had very different lives. I should really be more understanding. I was so pretentious, wasn't I?"

"Well, a little…" Japer replies curtly. We all have a good laugh and then pile in the car. I drive, as usual.

"So we are really going hunting then?" I notice Alice exchanging a quick glance with Jasper.

"It can't hurt." Alice responds, "but I doubt it will be enough. It's a start."

"Fair enough. I'll drive to the national park then." Once we get there we will run even farther from any human presence, but maybe not as far as we sometimes do. They know I want to return to Brandon's place later, to make sure he's okay. My obsession never goes on vacation.

"But Alice, I have a doubt. I feel like you might be overreacting. That vision you showed me…. Are you sure you didn't just remember it and let your worries go into overdrive when you recognized the place? If it's just an old vision…."

She shakes her head, a pitying expression on her face.

"I wish that was the case, Lynn, believe me. But it's not. I'm sure of it. It's filling my mind with terrible images, right now. No. It's not a memory. It's a nexus, and there seems no way to escape it. Have a look for yourself, if you don't believe me."

I bite my lips, unable to refute her words and yet unwilling to just accept them as truth.

I'm immediately plunged into another nightmarish vision, the car blindly swerving and as I struggle to regain control and keep at least part of my consciousness focused on the road.

In her mind, my face and teeth are smeared with blood and his body, limp and lifeless like a discarded, broken marionette, is still in my arms. My skin is unusually bright; bloated on, and sated by, his life force, I look almost human. Except, of course, for my eyes; they're so red they almost glow in the darkness. I need all of my will strength to wrench my gaze away from the two main actors and study the background. Yes, it's the meadow. I recognize it. But I'd still like to hope Alice is somewhat mistaken.

"Okay, but Alice, it looks exactly the same as before. I still think it could be a memory…." I'm clutching at straws and I know it but I don't really have a choice. It's all that's keeping me sane.

Once again, there is pity, and sympathy, in her eyes.

"That's all I can see now, Lynn. Look again. The chances of it happening are really high now. We have to change that."

I brace myself, and take another peek. She is trying to show me something, how she sees it all… It's like being inside a diamond, or a geode. A confused mass of planes are all around me. They completely fill the view. Possible paths, I imagine, but the gruesome sight I was just treated to fills most of them.

"No," I shriek.

"Yes." Alice repeats ruthlessly. I feel my mood alter a little, like Jasper is trying to give me some strength. It doesn't do much but I'm glad for it…. The pain this all causes me could be unbearable without his help. But he can't do this forever…. The realization that despite all of my planning I'm here again…..

"But not everything is lost, der sister. As bad as this looks, it looked even worse just a couple of hours ago, before I dragged you away from the school. Maybe there's still a way to beat it. It won't be easy, that's true, but we might have a chance."

So mad, at myself, that I can barely see the road, I give up. Not even my reflexes can allow me to remain at the wheel now. I find a suitable spot and pull over.

I hold my head in my hands, while I imagine smashing this stupid car to bits and then laying to waste the entire forest. I hate this. I hate my destiny. I hate feeling so impotent. My anger doesn't last, though, and soon a bone-weary melancholy pervades every fiber of my being instead. I can't just give up. My brain is still human, and as such designed to solve problems, to figure out solutions.

"Wait….. Can't there be some other way around this. If I don't go there then….."

Alice hugs me, but her words wound me.

"Lynn, you know I've been having visions for a long time. I learned to analyze them, to read them, to understand them. Sometimes I can look beyond them…." She scoffs, and looks at Jasper. "I'm sorry Lynn, but that's not going to work. All the paths lead to a turning point. The meadow could become a different place. You've been inside my mind. You've seen how most of the tiles reek of darkness and ruin. There is a knot, a reckoning, a future moment that will decide everything for you. I hate sounding like Cassandra, but you will have to face it. Just find the right outcome."

"No." I respond, vehemently. A different kind of fire seems to be consuming all of me now. Rising fury. I've always been a fighter, I remind myself.

"I'll go away then. The world is big. It will cause me pain, but I can do it." And yet, can I endure the complete hell my existence will become? But if I don't have any other choice….. And there is hope I could end my life. I think…

"No." Alice's gaze hardens. "Sister, now you are making me angry. Why are you so intent on destroying yourself and Brandon? I don't want to lose you both."

"Alice, no, I just…. "

"If you leave you will come back." Her eyes are still hard, unyielding. I'd never seen her so mad. "You are not in control of your own will anymore, sister. I'm sorry I have to be the bearer of bad news but it's the truth. You can't stay away from him. To use one of our teacher's favorite expressions, that ship has sailed."

I grab my head again.

"What have I done?" I reply, through my arms and clothing. "I should have never come back from Alaska. The happiness I've felt the last couple of days pales in comparison to the price we will have to pay…. I…."

"Lynn," Jasper's voice is hoarse, but a welcome distraction. "Alice loves you too much to tell you but there were never any paths that don't go through that knot, that turning point she sees in your destiny. That threat has been looming over you entire life since you met him. If you had stayed in Alaska, maybe you would have never fallen for him as you have done in real life…. But you would have come back." He stares at me sadly now, sorrowed by my plight, free of judgment or pique. Maybe a truer brother than he'd ever been. "You would have come back to hunt him, to feed on him, to drink every drop of that delicious blood of his….."

I feel sick to my core. I was so…. Full of myself. So detached. Too busy playing my games to see the big picture. Of course part of me was still scheming, plotting to quash my nascent feelings for him and then, like Jasper said, hunt him down. In that thread, his life would have been very short, rather than eternal.

"If what you say is true…." I finally tell them, "what should I do?"

"What you would do… No, what you have done many times, Lynn." Jasper replies, his face creasing into unexpected gentleness, but there is always a hint of steel underneath his velvet. Lice smiles at him and leans closer. "Face your demons in battle, head on, as you always do. No fear. No regrets."

He's fierce, and pure, and so brave. I can see why Alice loves him so much. I feel another wave of sorrow for how I used to treat him, the contempt I showed for his perceived weaknesses.

"He's right, Lynn. Right now, all your paths lead to a knot, we've discussed that. If you had stayed away things would have even worse. The know, or crossroad, is in your path now. Don't run. Don't hide. Prepare for it, however you see fit, and go through it. If you can make it across, on the other side there are much better possibilities for both of you."

She winks at Jasper and I see, in her depths, Brandon and I, with our vampire family. He will be with me forever, but he will never blush again.

I grimace. And yet, part of me wants that. It's like Emmett said; it would make everything so much easier…. But I don't want to be responsible for that. I really don't.

Then I notice anther image in her mind, another thread. It's fuzzier, flickering, but right there nonetheless. The scene is not much different, just another family reunion in the living room of our demesne. In this one, however, Brandon has visibly aged. His body has filled up a bit and it looks like he has a five o'clock shadow instead of the current peach fuzz. He's still human. As frail as it is, the fact that this thread exists encourages me.

I gasp and comment about it. Jasper and Alice exchange another look.

"Yes," it's her turn to read my mind, or use the future to guess what I'm thinking. "It's a possibility. Not the likeliest to come into being by any means, but certainly there. But I have to warn you…. I still don't know your boy, and my brother, very well."

"So?" I look at her, puzzled.

"This means all of my visions are based on you and, therefore, your will. He might have different ideas."

"You can't be serious." I immediately rebuke her, truly stunned by the direction our chat has taken. Jasper and my sister just laugh my scowl off.

Alice hugs me.

"My dear Lynn… You are the smartest of us all, but sometimes you can't see things right under your nose. It's to be expected. This is your first love after all. You being who you are, it will also be your last."

"Madam, may I be allowed to refresh her memory." Jasper drawls as he curtsies.

Alice trills a laugh and responds in the affirmative.

"Lynn, have you forgotten that the very few men aware of our existence sought us out to beg us to give them the gift of this eternal life. And really," he plows on before I can object. "Why wouldn't they? The human existence is filled with pain, their body is so fragile, and their lives are short, often filled with noise and little else…."

He's right. I was worried about that myself. Worried something might happen to him while I'm not watching.

"Out here," Alice intones cheekily, "mass shootings are probably not to be expected, and you could deal with those anyways, but violence is always a possibility. And then you have disease, natural disasters, crime, accidents. The list goes on."

"We have to be monsters to survive…." I mumble, stunned.

"That's what you say." Jasper replies calmly. "When we were humans we also fed on animals. I don't see the difference. You and Carlisle have taught me that it is possible to feed only once a month…. Most humans will cause a lot more suffering then we do. They treat their livestock horribly, reward their beasts with certain death and a life of imprisonment. Are we the real monsters?"

"Alright, you two, we are getting off topic…" Alice finally steers the conversation back to the real issue. "Take your man to the meadow Lynn, but be ready."

"Yes, don't be afraid. But don't be complacent either. Know that this is the time that will define your whole existence." Jasper intones solemnly.

"Yeah," I mumble back. "No pressure right?" and finally we all burst out laughing, relieving the tension. But I'll do as they say, and as I've lived most of my life; I will face my fears.

But I do have to be prepared, so for now we re-enter the car and drive to the national park.

We get there as the twilight slowly shifts into a dreaming night, the sky daubed in black paint spackled with stardust. Here, away from the cities, the distant orbs gleam in complex patterns. The light of stars maybe already spent, collapsed hulks edging toward the closest black hole, still reaches our eyes, last remnant of the silent suns that gave it birth. We admire the view for a moment and then, after exchanging a curt nod, we run into the woods, away from our vehicle and farther away from the human infestation that has now plagued this planet for centuries.

I look at my companions as we flit through the trees, dark shadows blurred by the speed of their movements, and, despite the darkness and perils ahead of me, despite the nightmare that tomorrow could turn out to be, I smile at them.

The hunting part of our expedition doesn't really take long. Jasper and I track down and eventually feed on a couple of mountain lions, while Alice ands up frolicking with a deer for a while before eventually ending its life.

In truth, I've been feeding more regularly lately, as a precaution, so by the time I'm finished with my prey I'm completely sated. I know it won't be enough to guarantee Brandon's safety, but if he dies it will be because of the irresistible allure of his scent, not because I truly need nourishment.

After the hunt, we find a rocky outcrop, a bluff. In front of us, majestic constellations unspool in the murky depths of the night. The many sounds of the forest, however, soon become muffled as creatures small and large seek to put as much distance as possible between them and the vampire hunters among them.

We remain quiet for a while, but eventually I feel like it's my duty to break this interminable silence.

"Alice, what do you see? Any changes?" I keep my eyes lowered, my mind closed. I'm afraid of her answer.

Aware of the fear spurring my tongue, Alice smiles kindly at me.

"Compared to this morning, we have certainly made some progress. When I met you in class, chances tomorrow would turn into a calamity were close to 90%... Now they are a more reasonable 80%."

My head falls, my shoulders sag under the weight of my guilt and I can only stare at the ground.

"Lynn," Jasper is by my side, but he doesn't use his power. He knows its effect wouldn't last long anyways. "Do not despair. We managed to get things moving in the right direction. It's a start."

"My love is right, Lynn. This morning you didn't really have much of a chance, now you do. There must be something else you can do to tip the scales…. To avert this potential disaster."

"Maybe," I mumble shaking my head, "but what else can I do?"

Alice and Jasper look at each other.

"We don't know," Alice eventually says, punctuating her words with a tiny shrug. "But you are the brains of the family. Well, you and Carlisle I suppose. How many doctorates have you guys managed to collect? You will figure it out. I know you can."

"There is one thing I wanted to add…" Jasper stars at me, and yet his eyes are somewhat glazed, like he's really seeing something else, something in his memories.

"You know I was alive at the time of the civil war. I remember one morning, months after becoming a vampire, walking among the dead, thousands of them. I was with a coven already, the one led by my maker, and lover, but of course that wasn't our work. We only fought other a covens. No, those dead were because of the war. Humans slaughtered other humans, just like we warred against members of our kind. Anyways, I remember thinking that if it hadn't been for my maker, I would be one of those broken dolls lying strewn on the battlefield, their limbs twisted in the final throes, their last labored gasp for breath frozen in their faces, the fight lost. We would all be dust if it wasn't for our gift, Lynn. Make this time count. Remember that you will have to fight for what you want like all the rest of us, vampires or humans."

I thank him. I know how hard it is for him to dredge memories of those times back to the light of the present. It's ancient history, and painful at that.

When all is said and done, I'm still not feeling very optimistic about all this, but their support gives me strength. And Alice has given me an idea. Carlisle has never dealt with a problem quite like mine, but he's the smartest man I know and he's been alive a lot longer than any of us. Of course, there are other vampires in this world, and some of them are ancient compared to him, but he's the patriarch of our family. I explain to Jasper and Alice that I would like to get back to Brandon's right now, to be near him. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I hope he can inspire me somehow. And yet, it wouldn't hurt to ask for Carlisle's advice.

We talk about it and eventually they agree to drive my car back. I will just run home; it will be much faster, partly because I won't have to be restricted to roads. I thank them again for their support and, after a brief hug, I take off into the woods. I know Carlisle spends every night at our place, with Esme.

As I head back, I only focus on moving as fast as I can. Something is telling me that I should get back to Brandon. It's probably just part of my obsession with this boy, and yet this is a pull I can't resist. At the moment I can't meditate on it, because I go so fast that even with my superior reflexes I have to pay close attention to what I'm doing.

When I get home, just before midnight, my parents are waiting for me by the lake. Alice said she would call them and let them know. She also explained the situation.

At first, they both smother me with affection, worried about me just as much as Alice and Jasper, if not more. They are, of course, aware that I'm approaching a potentially tragic turning point in my life. They believe in me and I know their words are true; only Brandon could lie to me and get away with it. But in terms of actual help, Esme is dumbfounded…. She doesn't deal with humans much these days, perfectly happy to work on her design and taking taking care of her family instead. I ask Carlisle for his advice, hoping he might have something, anything, for me.

"Lynn, I'm still thinking about all this….. But I know it pains you to be away from him. Why don't we run back to the Swan mansion together, we'll talk. Give me a few more minutes to consider this."

I understand. This is a difficult topic and he wants to give it all of his attention first. I hug Esme and then father and I head to Brandon's place.

It's still only one am when we get back there and find a hiding spot in a thicket close to his backyard. I can't see his window from here, but we can hear any sound in the house. As we expected, everything is quiet. They must be both asleep. I can hear their covers rustle when they turn in their beds, but hardly anything else. Brandon is not speaking for now.

Carlisle looks at me and seems about to talk, but he visibly flinches and changes his mind about what to say.

"What is it you're wearing Lynn? I don't recognize that… And it has a strangely enticing smell…"

At first I'm at sea, lost. What is he talking about? But then I remember. Yes, Brandon's keepsake. His crescent moon made of bone. I hold it in my right hand and look at the markings on it. They're in Thai script, not one of the languages I learned over the years.

"Oh, yes," I reply. "Bandon gave it to me. Like a token of his affection."

Father laughs and shakes his head.

"You two must be the talk of the school. I wish Esme and I could be there to see you. Or wait, maybe we could. There are deep forests in the vicinity of everything around here."

I know he's joking and tell him so, but end up promising that if all goes well they will meet him in person soon enough. I can't resist adding, a little sassily, that of all people he should know why I'm a bit old-fashioned. My attention also drifts, for an instant, when I something pops into my mind, something that could be a glimpse of an old, faded memory. Something about another girl, one of my friends at school, before I had to stop going to help in the house. She was showing us something, just a trinket of some kind, telling us a boy had given it to her. And I thought of those old stories of kings, and princesses, and how knights would carry some concrete symbol of their lady's unconditional love and devotion. It was the only time, I know realize, during my human existence, of being vaguely excited at the prospect of finding a man. A sliver of romanticism. And yet none of the boys at the school inspired any feelings in me. I huff despondently. Why think of it now? I just want to be with him…

"Lynn," Carlisle finally says, after careful reflection. "I don't know if I and tell you anything Jasper or Alice wouldn't have thought of already…. But it seems to me that the key to all this is your love for him…"

"Yes…" I know there's more. I knew father wouldn't disappoint me.

"I mean, it's the reason we are here, isn't it? It's why you saved his life in that parking lot. You didn't know it, Alice is adamant about that, but you were already falling for him. And don't forget he has feelings for you too. He lied for you and Alice says he's really happy when he's with you, despite being aware of our … differences. Focus on that, and on controlling our hunter instincts. You see, I know wearing that is causing you physical discomfort, and yet you are willing to bear it. I know you can keep him safe, Lynn. You know a mistake can happen; use this knowledge as a weapon."

I hug him and thank him. His words fill me with hope, and gave me an idea. After he leaves me to my vigil, and I move my nest to a tree at the front, I hold Brandon's crescent moon close to my nose and breathe in, as deeply as possible. Of course it's only an echo of the smell of his actual blood, but it's enough to coax an unpleasant sensation in my throat and a tightening in my muscles. He was wearing it all the time, even in bed, and the old fabric rope has soaked up his scent. His gift was truly perfect.

And then I have a thought. I don't want to enter his home without his permission. I could but I won't. But I could go closer. Their only neighbor is away, the house empty and cold. I climb the wall under his window and open it a crack. Then I remain there, hanging from his sill and breathing his smell deep into my lungs, letting it fill my body completely and embracing, no, basking in the pan it causes, because only by doing that I can fortify my resolve, strengthen my love and pit it against my predatory nature.

Sometime later, my smartphone vibrates in my pocket. It's Alice.

"Lynn," she says, clearly excited, "the odds are now 60 to 40 in your favor. I don't know what you're doing, I don't have the foggiest in fact, but it's working. Keep doing it."

"I will." I reply, and turn the phone off, my other hand still busy clinging to the house. This will be the longest night of my life, but for him I know I can endure it.

I close my eyes and keep filling my body with his scent, drowning in it and gorging on the agony it causes me and the joy I felt when we spent together. The monster is not vanquished yet, but I will do my best to defeat it eventually. I will not go down without a fight.