14. In the Light
As long as it felt, and to me it felt like an eternity, another night comes to an end. It's not a fiery dawn that brings it to a close, but rather the gray, spent sunrise of a town still staring at a ceiling of clouds blotting out blue skies that surely must still exist beyond them. I do notice a thinning of the steel lid, far ahead of me, poised on the horizon's rim. It will still be a few hours before sunlight finds its way into Forks and its surrounding forests.
I released my grip on the window and retreated to the woods as soon as visibility increased, out of precaution more than anything else. This sleepy suburb is rarely graced by the presence of any human presence. I haven't seen any cars go by the whole night. I'm still holding the crescent moon in my hand, getting ready, thinking about the potential pitfalls of the day just beginning. Brandon was rather quiet last night; no talking in his sleep.
I could easily run all the way to the meadow, but this is not an option for Brandon so I run home instead, to retrieve my car and get a change of clothes. Alice pops by to tell me everything looks good and that in her visions I've tilted the odds and I seem to be ahead. She also reminds me not to get complacent, despite all that, and I wholeheartedly agree. I know today I will have to be more vigilant than ever.
My sister also reminds me that I will probably show Brandon what I look like in the sunlight. I never spend much time worrying about clothes, but today, partly spurred by Alice, I consider my options a little more carefully. I choose a black halter top, so later, when I remove my jacket, he will be able to see more of my skin than usual. Gray pants and a dark parka will look fine with that, I believe. Alice agrees and I'm off.
I knock at Brandon's door at seven thirty, as we had agreed. Noises from inside his room tell me he's up and presumably ready.
"Good morning Brandon," I greet him when he opens up, already dressed for hiking and with a backpack slung on his shoulder. He must be bringing food and water, the very things I don't need at all. I make a mental note to try and remember, in the future, that my boyfriend has needs very different from mines.
"Good morning, Lynn." He responds, after a brief hesitation, as I have a chuckle, half nerves and half amusement, at the fact that we are wearing similar colors today. "What?" He blurts out.
"We match."
His attempt at a smile turns into a half frown. I wonder why.
"Yes, but you look like a model and I look like an unemployed lumberjack." He has a point, I think to myself.
"It's overcast," he says, looking up, "but the clouds are starting to thin out. They will clear up later this morning, according to the forecast."
"I know." I wink at him as we get in the car, but it's just a way to hide my own fears and uncetainties. I push the play button on my radio.
"You said you like this band, right?"
He told me it was one of his favorite bands, so the other day I bought all of their albums. I'm glad I did.
"Yeah. You like them too?"
"I do now. Great lyrics." I'm not lying. He does have good taste.
"So, how was the hunting? Did you have any fun?"
"No, but Alice did. She's more playful than me." I decide not to mention Jasper's presence. I never told him about Alice's premonition, or the way the day could end, and I don't really want to get into it. If I know him well, he would ask me a million questions I don't want to answer. But I don't feel like I'm lying to him; I've been warning him to stay away from me for a while now; he knows there are risks involved. I don't want to scare him unduly with too many details. I'm confident now that, as long as I stay alert, I will be able to keep him safe.
"What do you usually hunt then? Bears? Deer?"
His curiosity truly has no limits.
"Those too, yes, but I prefer mountain lions. Emmet likes grizzlies. Alice usually enjoys frolicking with deer and elk."
I reply honestly, but darker thoughts have stated stirring again. Yes, I'm sure I can be careful, but Alice's vision distracted me, for the last day or so, from another thought that, if I wasn't a vampire, wouldn't let me sleep. Today, Brandon will finally see me in the sunlight, and he will realize how alien I actually am. This day could still end with a different kind of tragedy…. If he decides to walk away, I won't stop him. I owe him that. But where a life without him would be, in my future, I see only the gaping maw of a bottomless abyss.
"Lynn? You look tense…."
And of course he's perceptive as usual. I ponder whether I should lie, but then decide to be truthful.
"I'm sorry. I'm…. It's difficult to explain. No, not that. The truth is, it's just painful to talk about."
"You can tell me anything, Lynn. What is it?" Bless his innocent heart….
"Did you tell your father you would be with me today?" I ask him instead of answering, stalling for time.
"No, actually I told everybody I know that I will meet you on Sunday and that today I'd go hiking on my own." I groan inwardly; does the boy have a death wish?
"Why would you do that?"
"Because I owe you, and because I trust you."
I admire his candor, but feel a little aggrieved when I realize he's not taking my warnings seriously… Maybe his feelings for me are as strong as he claims they are. That realization brings me more pleasure, immediately followed by a painful sense of guilt.
"And you still haven't told me what's really bothering you….." He adds, an imploring look on his face. What am I going to do with this boy?
"I'm a little scared." I finally reply, my voice reedy and weak.
"We both know you simply cannot be scared of me, so….?" He's looking askance at me, trying to make me laugh with the exaggeration of the gesture, but it doesn't quite do the trick; things are getting serious.
"Today you will see me in the sunlight….."
Without thinking, I grab his crescent moon again; it's become my talisman.
"That's one reason I wanted you to give me something to hold on to, just in case you decide, wisely, to stay away from me in the future. A memento of the days when I believed we could be together for a long time will be very important to me if…."
I didn't want to talk about this, but the words just seemed to tumble out of my mouth without my consent. It's all so bleak.
"Lynn, this all seems so bizarre…. The way I see it you are the flight risk. You keep trying to push me away even as you pull me in, not to mention how much you mess with my mind. And you're beautiful and smart. Of course physically you belong to a superior race, so there's no competition there. Any guy in the school would die to go out with you. You got it all backwards; I'm worried you'll leave me."
I laugh, thinking that he'd never spoken such a long sentence before. And of course he's so misguided. He really doesn't seem to realize how great he is. I have to try and fix that.
"You're right. I'm the one to blame. However, you really don't see yourself clearly. You are still growing up of course, but you are becoming more attractive; you have beautiful green eyes, and you have many interests. I can read minds, remember? At school, every girl wanted to meet the new guy. It's true that for some it was just because you were a novelty, but many found you attractive when they saw you in person." I can't help smiling a little; he's so clueless it's kind of adorable, although….
"Come on. There is something you are not telling me…"
"I used to think humans were not observant at all, but you see everything." I wonder whether this should make me angry or not. I'm not sure. I love how sharp he can be, and yet it also scares me a little.
"Okay, it is true that some girls eventually thought you were painfully shy. I think they have a point. You blush so often." I laugh at that, and at his immediate blushing. He knows how to distract me.
"So that doesn't bother you?"
"I find it sweet and endearing. And you have other qualities you don't seem to notice. You are smart too, Mr. advanced-program-in-Phoenix, and you are not a quitter. Your childhood must have been difficult, but it has made you stronger."
I just look at him, unable to hide my feelings. He's my life, now and as long as he wants to be. Unfortunately, today could be the day he finally rejects me. Depressing thought or not, I have to steel myself for what his reaction will be.
"But maybe, after you really see me, after you truly understand how different I am," He barely asked me questions, and yet I feel like he's forcing me to reveal my innermost thoughts, "you'll be the one who wants to walk away. If that's the case I won't blame you and I won't try to stop you. At school I will leave you alone unless we have to work together in our French class… Next year I can make sure I'm not in your courses and…"
My mind fills with dread and I have to gather all my strength to keep talking, to tell him all about it, to reassure him that I will respect his wishes.
"Hold your horses. I got it. Stop preparing for a life without me. I really think it's not going happen unless that's what you want. Let's just enjoy our hike for now, okay?"
And of course it was all kind of useless. He thinks I'm worried about nothing.
"You are so stubborn…" But I am not upset about it this time. It's one thing that gives me hope.
"I told you that already. You should have believed me. I can't lie to you. I'm not good at it in general, although as you know I can clam up, but with you I'm always completely honest."
"No," I don't buy it; he might be honest, but I'm sure he has his own secrets, his own plans for what he should or shouldn't say to me.
"You edit. And your mind is the only one I can't read. It's maddening. But maybe sometimes I look at things the wrong way. Maybe you are wiser than me." The thought just occurred to me but it does have some merit. I've been so wrapped up in my own misery to really understand how I might, even involuntarily, affect other people.
"I edit, yes, but just a little. You don't tell me everything you think either. You may be a vampire but you're still human too, right?"
That's a good question. How should I address it? There are things I need to tell him but they could be a little premature.
"It's… complicated. Actually, until recently I thought I was…., well, no, I don't want to talk about it right now. Let's have our hike first. If you don't run away I'll answer any questions you might have then."
"Is it a promise you'll keep this time?" he asks with a tight, labored smile.
"I swear." I pretend to hold a bible while I say that. This time we both laugh.
"But until then, I have a few more questions for you…."
He makes a weird sound that I interpret as an expression of dismayed frustration. He must be tiring of my third degree, but it's best we talk about him now. I need to stop thinking about my own fears and satisfying my own curiosity is probably the best way to do that.
First off, I go to one of my favorite topics of conversation: movies. Ironically, they didn't even exist when I was born, at least not in terms of what they ended up becoming. Early black and white shorts, with no dialogues at first, were only a very early precursor of the kind of films we can enjoy now. Sometime in the sixties, my whole family became fascinated with them. It was an entirely new way to spend our endless nights and it allowed us another illusion of normalcy; what is watching a film if not sitting down and imagining you are somebody else?
Unaware of my reminiscences, Brandon mentions classic Science fiction movies like 'Watchmen' and 'Blade Runner', surprising me a little. I know that many kids, especially if male, love science fiction, but the ones he mentioned are truly special ones; dark, brooding epics lauded by critics and with a depth often lacking from the kind of mindless action SF teenagers seem to favor. He doesn't seem to realize that, because I detect a shift in mood, almost like embarrassment, when he admits to also loving some romantic comedies. Something shocks me by omission.
"I thought every teenager loved horror movies." I eventually ask him.
"They're okay, but not my favorites."
"So you never watched movies about vampires?" Yes, I must be a masochist. I keep coming back to the one topic I was hoping to avoid.
"Oh sure, but not many. I didn't find them that interesting. They seemed too farfetched…" He's funny, but not wrong.
I try to move away from vampires by delving into his family life, particularly curious about his dad and mom.
"It's a study in contrast, really. My mother was always the outgoing, extraverted one, constantly in search of new adventures, and new experiences. My dad, taciturn and a little dour these days, fell in love with her when they were still very young and he was a lot more romantic. Opposites attract, I suppose. My mom couldn't stand life in Forks for long though, and eventually had to make a run for it. I was forced to tag along."
"You told me your father hasn't really moved on…." I didn't know him well, but I feel some sympathy for his plight.
"Despite the bitter ending, we were the best things that ever happened to him. So yes, he never truly moved on. I suppose there is still hope but he certainly took it a lot harder than mom. I told you he fills the house with photos from the couple of years they lived together in Forks. It's not healthy, I think."
I'm sure he's right, but then again I know I won't be able to move on either if we ever break up
"Do you have any other relatives you see often?"
"I sometimes see some cousins, but my paternal grandparents have passed away. I met some of them but I was so young I can't remember them well. My mom lost contact with most of her family when she ran off to Forks with dad but one of her brothers visits us often. If anything, my dad is pretty close to Billy Black. His kids, Jacob and Rebecca, are about my age and I spent time with them in the summer, during my visits. We played all kinds of games to kill the inherent boredom of fishing trips. We were so young…."
I can't say I like those two a lot. We won't hurt them, but we are certainly not a little peeved by the fact that they broke the treaty with barely a second thought about it. And the wolf girl, of course, tried to take him away from me. I almost snarl when I think about her.
"Do you hang out with them often these days?" I ask him trying to cool down a little. I know their friendship is important to him.
"Sometimes I go see them on the rez, on weekends, or they come by with their father to watch games with my dad. They were in town once this week."
"Let me ask you something…" If they told him those old stories, I suddenly wonder whether they might decide to involve his chief Swan. "Do you think your friends might want to warn your father? About me, I mean."
He hesitates before answering, giving my query some serious consideration before addressing it.
"I'm sure Jacob and Rebecca wouldn't. They are satisfied that you and your family will respect the terms of the agreement. If anything, I imagine their father might be more likely to. He looked at me funny the other day. Maybe my friends told him I'm dating you."
That makes sense. Their father could be even more distrustful of us, and of course he's a close friend of Brandon's dad. It's something I'll have to keep an eye on.
I keep probing and discovering more about him, but, all too soon, we reach the trailhead. Brandon seems eager to get started, unlike me, but I explain to him that we won't be following the official trail.
"Hmm, you mean we'll be bushwhacking?"
I can't resist the temptation to tease him a little, amused by the situation.
"Worried already? I thought you were really into hiking…."
He grins and shrugs.
"Not too worried, no, but yeah, four or five miles of that could be a pain."
Yes, I can see how that would not be easy for a human. He doesn't need to fret.
"We'll only bushwhack a little. I beat my own path to a spot I like. It's not as clear as a normal trail, but I'm sure you'll be fine. The terrain is flat most of the way. I just didn't want to make my path visible from the clearing. I like my privacy."
"Lead the way, then." He says curtly, ready to shut up and walk.
Okay Lynn, time to do this. I tell myself. Nothing to be scared of. Or, well, at least not much. My whole life could go down the drain today, nothing to worry about, no pressure. Yup, if I keep repeating it like a mantra I might end up believing it too. It's still cloudy here, but it will be sunny by the time we reach our destination. I take a deep breath, savoring the smells of the forest, and remove my parka. It will make things easier later.
Brandon seems a little stunned but I'm not sure I understand why. I scowl at his strangely vapid expression and head into the trees. Fortunately, he seems to snap out of his trance; I hear him stomp after me. Humans are not as lithe as my kind can be.
It doesn't take long to reach my path, and from there it's pretty easy going. I walk slowly, mindful that he needs to be careful; today the weather is dry but it was raining last night and my trail is muddy and slippery in spots. I'm ready to come to his help if needed, but he can negotiate the route without any real issues.
The canopy of leaves above us blocks most of the sun, meaning our arrival at the meadow will be pretty dramatic. While we hike, we chat a little more about movies and books. Anything that will take my mind off the moment of truth ahead of us is welcome. It's an odd time for me; on the one hand I feel really tense, but on the other hand I always come here alone; it's the place where I can get away from my family and, consequently, from my own self. It feels novel but also really nice to be here with Brandon; it seems so perfect. The two of us, alone in a beautiful forest, together. Once again, reality is going beyond my craziest dreams. The peace I feel, whenever I can quell any anxiety about the future, is truly complete.
We reach my sanctuary in less than two hours. Despite his injury he kept a pretty good pace. I used to always be in a hurry, but since he's with me, now I don't need to be. I just enjoy our leisurely walk, with just one flaw: it comes to an end way too soon. I can only hope it won't be our last hike together, but that is not up to me.
When we reach the edge of the clearing, now full of light, Brandon, strides purposefully ahead without noticing I lag behind him, unwilling to leave the shadow lurking beneath the trees. I really think this place is a special spot and it seems to have already worked its magic on Brandon. His smile tells me everything I need to know.
His expression changes when he notices, coming to a sudden halt and looking around, that I'm not with him. He looks at me and, mischievously, beckons for me to join him. Part of me wants me to run away; maybe assuming a negative reaction would be less painful than actually observing it. But no, I can't do that. I've come all this way. I'll have to face the music, however unpleasant it may turn out to be.
And yet, I can't bear to look at him now; if his expression turned to disgust y whole world would crumble and turn to dust. I close my eyes, squeezing my eyelids shut, scared like I had never been, and walk into the warmth of the sun-swept clearing.
"Lynn." He practically shouts right away, forcing me to open my eyes. "You're even more beautiful in the sunlight. Why didn't you tell me?"
What did he just say? I'm… Beautiful?
This doesn't seem possible, and yet his smile is sincere, I can tell.
"You don't think I'm ugly? A monster? An alien?" I had to ask.
"No. What's wrong with you? I mean, yeah, okay, obviously you are not a normal human being, but different doesn't mean ugly. You are gorgeous. You almost got me scared for a bit, there. I didn't know what to expect. This is incredible."
And now he approaches me, not a trace of fear or annoyance in his limpid eyes, and gently takes hold of one of my hands, his fingertips skimming along my arm and wrist, light and wonderfully warm and supple. When I feel him try to lift my arm, I allow it. He looks at it mesmerized.
"I'm definitely not running away, you silly vampire. If you want to get rid of me you'll have to think of something else."
I laugh, more out of relief than anything else. And then laugh a little more when I notice he's trying a new smile on that didn't quite work out the way he was hoping.
And then I just look at him for a moment. He hasn't let me down. Despite all my fears, a tiny voice in my head kept telling me to believe in him. I know many humans would run away, terrified, but not him. His feelings for me are too strong. His fingers, still gliding along my skin, elicit sensations I'd never dreamed of. When he gently strokes the inside of one of my elbows something seems to break lose, some hardness becomes softness, the world is a different place now. It will never be the same.
"Brandon, maybe it's true. Maybe there is no way I can make you leave me. Words cannot describe how happy I am right now."
He lifts a hand to caress my face, and I do the same to him, careful as ever and now mindful of the darkness in Alice's visions, of the tragic mistake that could still make us lose all that we've been building up to since the first instant I laid my eyes on him.
"What do you usually do when you come here? Just enjoy the sun?"
"I just lie down and soak up the sun, yes. After some time I can feel a little warmer. Being cold doesn't bother me, it's natural to me, but letting some of the heat seep in reminds of the time I was still a human."
After another trance-like moment, timeless and perfect, we sit down on the grass. He touches my arm some more and I just close my eyes and drink in the bliss he's unwittingly provoking.
"I cannot tell you how that feels, but please don't stop. I had never felt anything like it, not even when I was still human." Maybe a little too honest, but I couldn't help it.
We spend a little more time like that, free to enjoy each other's company, away from our families and classmates, alone in the woods that are my, and now maybe our, home. We do that until his human nature forces him to take a break and pull out some food and wear out of his backpack. He devours the food, apparently famished.
"Unlike you, I'm only human Lynn. Hikes make me hungry and thirsty."
I laugh again and watch him eat. I can't really remember what I ate when I was human too, or what it tasted like. He seems to be enjoying his meal though.
"At lunch, in the cafeteria, you ate a little. I saw your siblings do the same…." The clever boy has spotted something else.
"It's just camouflage. Actually, human food has no taste for us, and we can eat as much as we want. However, we don't derive any nourishment from it, and later we have to regurgitate it. We'd rather not eat at all but we have to pretend to be normal human beings. If none of us ever ate anything sooner or later somebody would notice."
After wolfing down his sandwiches, he drinks some of the water. I just look at him, happy to be here, to be alive, and to be with him. But then I remember something else…
"I still cannot read your mind. It's so frustrating."
"Hey, that's how humans feel all the time. Well, most of us anyways, as far as I know."
"Please tell me what you are thinking…. I want to know."
I know he won't deny my requests now, but I'm a little surprised when I hear him chuckle.
"I was just wishing I knew what you were thinking. You're right. It is frustrating. Being irritated is all human life is about at times."
I stand up a little faster than a human would, and notice his surprise.
"I'm sorry, Brandon. It's just so easy to be myself when I'm with you. You can accept everything. I never thought I would meet a human like you. You were also thinking something else, weren't you? Tell me, please."
"I'm still thinking that I'll wake up in my bed any time now, and that in the light of day all of this, including you and my friends on the reservation, will only be a shadow of a memory. Pretty stupid, isn't it?"
My poor boy; he's still unsure of me. He still thinks I might leave him. He doesn't know that's an utter impossibility now. And yet, haven't I clarified this topic before?
"No, it's not." I say softly, "but Brandon, it is a little crazy…. We are not sleeping. I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to. Didn't we go over this before? Like, several times?"
"Yeah, but if you're part of my dream then I'm the only one who's sleeping. You have to admit that vampires and werewolves, as far as most people are concerned, belong in dreams, not in reality."
"Is that why you think this isn't real? Because of the existence of creatures from your legends?" Humans are a mystery to me at times.
"Well, that's not the only reason, no. You are here with me. If that's not a dream I don't know what is, but I wish it would never end."
I don't have to tell him; I know he understands that's how I feel too.
