15. Confessions

The myriad smells in the air, the sunlight on my skin, and of course Brandon close to me, caressing me, they all combine to create what I would describe the perfect day. Even in the sunlight, I don't scare him. I don't just feel happy, I also feel so completely relaxed.

That's why, when he unexpectedly leans closer to me he, triggering instincts that are as much a part of my nature as his shyness is part of his, I feel my throat flood with venom and my muscles tense as my body, without any conscious decision on my part, prepares to feed on him. Thankfully another part of me, the one I spent the whole night honing and prepping for this very occurrence, springs into action and, thanks to my powerful legs, I jump away from him and back to the shelter of the trees so quickly it all must be just a blur in his eyes.

As soon as I'm among the trees again, I worry that in my haste I may have harmed him. He was holding me lightly and I may have wrenched one of his limbs off in my rush to get away from him. Fortunately, that's not the case. He looks fine, although dumbfounded and a little dejected.

"I'm sorry." I voice weakly, ashamed of myself and aware this might look like a kind of rejection to him. But at the same time I rejoice. This was the moment Alice had seen, it has to be. Before she forced me to face the possibility, and the night I spent focusing on this, she had seen how a moment of carelessness, mine and his, could have led to disaster.

"I am too," He mumbles "I just wanted to be closer to you…. You smell so good." My dead heart feels like it's breaking when I hear the truth and perceive the sadness coloring his voice. That's okay. This can be fixed. The other outcome, however, would have been final.

"I know. I am really and truly sorry," I intone lamely as I slowly walk toward him.

"What did I do?" His voice is quivering; my evasion really affected him.

"You didn't do anything wrong," I try to comfort him. "You just surprised me, that's all. I haven't spent this much time close to a human since I was one. It's not easy. It's becoming more manageable, but I need to be careful…." Words don't seem to be enough but for now they're all I have, and more pour out of my mouth. "I swear I will not hurt you. I want to be with you, believe me. I just have to take things slow and make sure I stay in control."

But, I add to myself, I hope you never find out how close we both came to complete disaster.

"Okay,"

He tries to put a brave face on, but the pain is still visible on his features. He's so honest. I don't deserve him, and I'm probably all wrong for him, and yet here we are. I know we both want to be here.

"I upset you, Brandon. I feel really bad about it."

"No, it's okay. It makes sense. It's just, you know, I couldn't help it. The gravitational pull you exert is hard to withstand." He seems to be struggling with some internal debate of his before adding:

"There is something else, isn't there?"

I peer at him, trying to fathom what he's really driving at. He couldn't know of Alice's forebodings, could he?

"I mean, this whole excursion wasn't just about showing me what you look like in the sun…. There is something else you want to tell me… Is it really that hard for you to be close to me?"

I see. He doesn't understand it completely, but parts of him must have divined the danger he was in. Not that I haven't warned him before, of course, but it is true that I still haven't been completely honest with him.

"Once again you are very perceptive. Brandon, I'm a vampire…"

I stand up, gripped by a wave of bitterness and resentment that has been building up over the centuries. I'm still alive, and right now happy to be, but I'd also never been more aware of the cost….

"I'm a natural predator of humans. All of my instincts are drawn to your blood; nature only meant for you to be a source of sustenance for the likes of me, nothing more. And that is not all… I'm not just a hunter; I'm a deadly one. My looks, my voice, even my scent, draw you in."

My explanation might be a clear case of overkill, really. But I can't stop. The words flow out of my lips infused with bitterness that has tormented me for a long time.

"As if I even needed any of that."

I follow that up with a quick demonstration of my superior speed, darting through the trees and back to the meadow so quickly he can barely follow my movements.

"As if you could outrun me."

But speed is not my only gift. I rip a bough from the tree it belongs to, a bough that strong humans would need various machines to saw off, and slam it against another one. Splinters fly in all directions, the target mangled by my uncalled for attack.

"As if you could fight me off."

I can't look him in the eye now, filled with disgust for what I am and will always be.

"Now you know what you are really dealing with, the kind of monster I am. Now you know why you should run away… Why I won't blame you if you do."

I spit the words out, hardly aware of them, and wait for his response with bated breath.

"And you said you're not a superhero… This is all so cool."

What did he just say? But surprise soon gives way to hilarity. I sit down on the grass next to him, trying to get my laughter under control. When I succeed, I have one question for him.

"Are you even human? Aren't you ever afraid at all? Are you one of those people who were born without a self-preservation reflex?"

I laugh some more when he, a puny homo sapiens, rolls his eyes at me, clearly exasperated.

"Please. I'm afraid of a lot of things. When I have to talk to a pretty girl I'm so scared I can barely retain control of my bladder. I also have an allergy to guns and knife-wielding lunatics."

That is interesting, and it leads to another question, one that completely fills my mind. I feel like if I don't ask it right away it might start swelling, expanding, flooding the inside of my brain until my skull finally bursts open.

"You seem to be able to talk to me just fine. Does that mean you don't find me appealing?"

His mind still opaque to me, I can only wait for words to clarify his thinking.

"I find you extremely, absolutely, totally gorgeous. I think you're hotter than the sun, really, despite your body temperature. And I was really shy around you the first time we met. Of course, the fact that you looked at me like you hated me didn't help. The next time I saw you, when we actually talked, at first I was so nervous I could just stammer inane replies, but you kept asking me questions nobody else ever uttered or cared to find out an answer for. I started feeling comfortable, like I could just discuss anything with you, like you would listen to me without judgment. You wouldn't let me stall or clam up and you seemed more interested in me than anybody else had ever been. I had never had a conversation quite like it." He pauses for an instant, collecting his thoughts.

"But it's more than that. When I'm with you I feel emotions I'd never even dreamed of. Like… we belong together."

Lovely blushes aside, he made a good point.

"Oh Brandon…. You know I feel the same. But before we talk about this, I have some confessions to make. For one, you are looking at a killer."

This is the time for me to bare it all isn't it? I showed him what I look like, and ow I have an urge, apparently incontrollable, to expose whatever other skeletons are hidden in my closet. If he can deal with those, we will soon be able to forge our new path together, a path based not on lies but on complete honesty.

"I'm sure you had your reasons."

I snicker a little more.

"You are always full of surprises. But you are not wrong, in a sense. Carlisle made me a vampire and taught me the vegetarian way of vampirism, as we call it. It's our inside joke. Over time we met other vampires that had different ideas. Many of them swore human blood was so much better, so much more fulfilling, like a religious experience even. I started wondering about it, and decided to venture out on my own. I wanted to feed on humans, but I still didn't want to be evil. So I only stalked murderers, or worst. I rationalized it by telling myself that I could truly quench my thirst and do some good. I hoped that the souls I saved by removing killers from society would balance the lives I took."

"But eventually you went back to your family."

He appears to closely observe my reactions, maybe unsure I'm being honest with him.

"Yes. I really missed them. It was only Carlisle and Esme at that time, but they were my parents. They were everything to me. Also, drinking human blood wasn't the deeply moving experience other vampires had described. It wasn't worth it. I made too many memories I wish I hadn't. They still crowd my thoughts at times, grotesque gargoyles indelibly carved in the frosty permanence of my vampire mind."

I think, with bitterness, of the cockiness, the self-confidence I felt when I decided it was time for me to strike out on my own, to carve my own way through life, away from my parents. I was such a fool.

"But," and yet, no matter how much those memories pain me, I can't escape the knowledge that there is something much worse, much darker, something he needs to hear about. "I have one more burden weighing on my conscience. One more confession. Maybe the most hideous, the most repulsive. Your accident wasn't the first time you were dangerously close to dying. You remember your first day in school? Our French class?"

"How could I forget? You really looked like you loathed me. I couldn't imagine what I had done to deserve it, if it was really about me. Sure, in Phoenix I was a bit of a chick-repellent. My lack of ambition didn't sit well with most of the girls in my school…. But I had never even said hi to you…"

It's not easy, but somehow I find the strange to look him in the eye.

"This will be hard to explain… but your blood is uniquely appetizing to me. The fact that you were bleeding that day didn't help. Still, it would have been bad regardless. It had never really happened to me before. To be honest, every fiber in my body wanted to feed on you, right there, right then. I ran through my mind a hundred scenarios that would have allowed me to do so, everything around me shrouded in a blurry, crimson haze. I'm ashamed to say that some of those twisted plans involved ruthlessly slaughtering the whole class. You were like a demon that had been sent to Earth with the sole purpose of damning me and my family to hell."

I close my eyes, my mind filling with images of that day. Of course, I try to remind myself, I did find a way to stay in control. Things could have been a lot worse. And yet, I feel ashamed. I try to make him understand.

"Somehow, my years of training, of denying my basest impulses, allowed me to resist those urges. If I had given in, we would have been discovered, and that would have been bad in ways I cannot fully disclose to you yet. Let's just say, for now, that we have many reasons to keep our existence a secret."

"Was it really that hard for you?" I keep forgetting that, for all he has learned about us, he has no real way of knowing how challenging it can be to resist our instincts when certain circumstances arise.

"The hardest thing I've ever done."

"How about the rest of your family? Have they ever met somebody whose smell was so appealing, so irresistible?"

"As far as I know, only Emmet experienced something similar."

"What happened then?"

I'm sure my expression gives me away.

"He gave in to temptation, didn't he?" He mumbles huffily, clearly upset. It doesn't matter. I won't hide things from him anymore. I might as well just be honest about the whole thing.

"Yes. He wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't help himself."

"If you want permission to take my life you already have it, Lynn. That's why I'm here." The funny thing is…. He really means it.

"No, no, I won't hurt you. I swear. I can't. That day, though, I truly thought I would. It was agonizing, at first, to keep my innate thirst in check, but I'm getting inured to your scent now. I just need a little more time. This is helping. Emmet was younger, in vampire years. He hadn't had as much training as we do now. It was only once…." I lose my train of thought. For a moment I was so scared I might lose him I was rambling a bit.

"So, this smell… Are you saying that my blood is your own personal brand of heroin?" It's his turn to try and lift my mood now. But he also has a point. In fact, it's not a bad analogy.

"Yes, you're exactly like my personal brand of heroin. In so many ways. Denying my thirst was agony, but I'm so happy I did. My family doesn't deserve what would have befallen us if I had lost control. And of course I could never forgive myself if I were to hurt you."

"You were absent for a whole week afterward. I wondered whether it was because of me but it seemed idiotic."

"Yes. That day, after school I dropped off my family near our home and then drove straight to Carlisle's hospital; I knew that if I went to our place Esme would ask me to stay and I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. I told my father everything and he gave me his car. I immediately left for Alaska. We have some friends there who have a similar lifestyle. At first I thought I wasn't coming back, well, at least not until you graduated. After a few days, though, breathing the clean air of the mountains, it all seemed so absurd, ridiculous even. That day at school I was already very thirsty. I had been fasting for weeks. After some hunting, the remembered allure of your blood wasn't so overwhelming anymore. And of course I was homesick. I missed my family."

"And so you came back…" A genuine smile blooms on his lips

"I did," He would probably laugh if he knew how I'd convinced myself I could do it. I was so naïve. And of course I still had no clue I was falling in love with him. "I was determined to treat you like any other high school student. I was confident; I couldn't let a puny human chase me away. The fact that I couldn't read your mind was a major inconvenience of course, but I embraced the challenge. I figured I could just talk to you and observe your reactions."

I let out a deep sigh. That's something else I hadn't done in a long, long time.

"But then, the unthinkable happened. I got caught up in your answers, your intuitions, your way of looking at the world, the way you surprised me at every turn. Little by little, everything around us drained of a little color, a little substance, until it was just a faded photograph of no real interest. I was completely lost in the nuances of your expressions, your gestures, your perceptions… I had never really felt that way. You don't know how long I'd been sure I would never, ever feel anything like it. Years and years of contented solitude, aside from my family's company, and you blew my world to bits in the course of one class…. Or maybe not, maybe I'm deluding myself. Maybe I was already falling for you and I just didn't know it yet. While I was away, still angry with you and with myself, I kept thinking of your gentle green eyes and your lovely blushes…."

I pause for a few seconds gathering my thoughts, reining in some of the feelings ravaging my thought processes. The movies make it look so simple…. Loving someone is anything but.

"And then, of course, there was the accident. As a rule we try not to interfere in the affairs of humans. It would attract too much unwanted attention. And yet, when I saw that van skidding toward you all I could think was: 'not him'. After the fact, I wracked my brains in search of justifications, and even came up with a good one; if your blood had been spilled in that parking lot I would have certainly given away our true nature. But I never used it, not even with my family. It wasn't the real reason I saved you. You already know Rosalie was very upset. We had an argument, maybe the worst I ever had with any of them. Fortunately, Carlisle, Esme and Alice backed me up."

It's all true. We'd had arguments before, and a lot of playful fights. We all played to win, sure, but at the end of the day we all knew it was just fun and games. It was only when I feared I might have to protect him, when I felt he was in danger, that I would have been ready to fight my family for real. But I shouldn't tell him too many details. Things have changed a lot, and I want to befriend them in the near future. I need him to get along with them; they will always be a part of me, of who I am.

"I told them I would leave, but they demanded I stay. With my mind reading I could make sure that you kept our secret. None of us were optimistic about it, but our only contingency plan was another sudden departure. If you had blabbed, we would have left for a long time…"

It's okay not to discuss what some of them felt could be necessary, but I haven't been completely honest about my feelings. I should rectify that.

"I'm not convinced I could have left you alone, or forgotten you, but fortunately I never had to find out. Surprisingly, you never told anyone what had really transpired and I was extremely glad to report the good news to my family. They don't know you as much as I do now, but your silence really impressed them. You really never do what people expect; you live by your own code…."

"Yes, I've always been a bit of a freak, or untrendy if you prefer. It's strange but even the first time I saw you Cullens, so together and so united yet shunned by the other students, I almost thought my place was with you, not with the people I was sitting next to."

Now, that is totally unexpected. Most humans distrust us Cullens, or even despise us, quite naturally. But not him. Somehow he felt attracted to all of us. Maybe, in our tiny group he saw outsiders like himself, kindred souls.

"At any rate, I decided I had to do my best to stay away from you. You already knew too much and I had already caused my family too much trouble. But it wasn't easy. Even while keeping up the pretense that I wanted nothing to do with you, I was reading all the minds around us just so I could look at you, try to figure out what drove you, what made you who you are, and maybe why you were safeguarding our secret. Despite appearances, I was only becoming more obsessed by the hour and my permanent sulk was driving my family crazy. They thought I was losing my mind. I cannot blame them."

"You looked at me, and even spoke to me a little, when I played Clair de Lune at school…."

"Yes. I couldn't help it. I have listened to a lot of music through the years, but that is my favorite piece. It always touched me, resonated with me. I was just so surprised when, out of so many possibilities, you ended up playing the one composition I wouldn't be able to turn a deaf ear to. It was really astounding. It was like we already shared a deeper connection than I imagined. You made ignoring you a lot harder for me, as if it wasn't excruciating enough already."

I take a moment to collect the loose threads of my confessions again. I'm hopeful the darkest parts will soon come to an end. Finally, there is something much more joyful I should also confess to.

"But, having said all this, if I had killed you that first day, or if I hadn't saved you, my suffering would still be nothing compared to the nightmarish world of eternal torment I would be banished to if I were to hurt you today, in this very spot. Betraying your trust now would be unforgivable."

"What do you mean?"

It's important, maybe even vital, that he understands what I tell him next. I owe it to him, and to myself.

"Brandon… I have come too close to you, got to know you too well, allowed feelings I'd never even conceived before to take hold. If I were to harm you I could never live with myself afterward. Never. You are the most important thing to me now. You are the most important thing ever. The prospect of life without you is nothing but an unbearable, joyless void."

There. I may not have said it in plain words, but surely he must grasp what this all means. What my feelings for him are.

I look at him, as he struggles to interpret my utterances, and then I see him shift gears, try to think of a reply. I'm not sure what to expect, but I know what I'm hoping for

"You know how I feel. I'm here. I trust you…. But that is really beside the point. I'd rather die than stay away from you. My life is yours. How crazy is that?" As I listen to his words, I beam at him delighted. But I've been serious enough. It's time for a little facetiousness.

"When it comes to relationships you really don't have the best judgment, no…" I say simply, triggering another heartfelt laugh for both of us.

When I regain my composure, I look at him again, incapable of hiding the intensity of my emotions.

"And then the lion fell in love with the lamb…" I whisper to him, thinking of a painting Carlisle and I had seen a long time ago, one that had really impressed me.

"What a stupid lamb," He says, shaking his head, aware of the funny part of my statement, responding in kind, and yet, I feel, also mindful of the words I used, aware of the implied meanings.

"What a sick, masochistic lion." The joke is complete and we both have another chuckle. But he's not done talking, and I'm sure he's not making jokes any longer.

"When you smile, I feel like a stifling ceiling of clouds unravels and the moon shines through, bathing the scenery in pale luminescence. And then I can see that the long gloomy night of an empty life is no more, and the world around me is filled with beauty. You are my moonlight." He finally says, his whole face turning red, consumed by the flames of his desperate blush.

Once again, I wish I could still cry. They would be tears of happiness, but sadly they're not an option.

"No, don't say that. It's really very romantic. And in a way my long life was a night filled with distant stars, beautiful but cold, marooned in their remote corners of the universe, and the sunlight was mostly denied to me. But every time you come to me you bring some of it with you, like the moon reflects sunbeams and softens the darkness. Even in the dead of night, in your presence everything is brighter than it ever was. You're my moonlight too…."

We stare into each other's eyes and everything else, for me at least, ceases to exist.