19. Experiments in Intimacy

Brandon looks much happier now, and yet I feel guilty, like I still owe him an explanation.

"I'm sorry I suddenly ran away earlier on… I was just so surprised. Most humans are drawn to us, yes, but once they really get close they feel that something is wrong, that some undefinable dangers lurk behind our refined appearance. There are exceptions of course. We are very attractive and lust overrides self-preservation in some, but it's unusual."

He swallows hard, his eyes wide open. His lips twitch, but he seems to have a change of heart. Like he has something on his mind but decided not to go there yet. After a brief cough he tries a different tack.

"Maybe too much of my throat was exposed." He says grinning and tugging at his collar to expose more skin on his neck. I'm not surprised to hear myself life; if he was trying to be funny, he succeeded.

"But really, I'm probably just one of those exceptions. I cannot possibly convey to you how much I crave your touch."

We both laugh a little more, but it feels due to nerves rather than real amusement. I think he's trying to tell me, not too indirectly, that, like me, he's also been thinking a close friendship is not enough. I feel a moment of queasy dizziness when I realize we both desire much more than what we've had so far, despite the dangers involved. We have a long way to go to get there, but I know, at least, what the first step should be. This is my first chance to dabble with romance, that is true, but I have been reading books and watching movies about relationships for decades.

"I want to try something, but please remain still."

I tell him as I search my mind and body, one more time, for any sign of the predator that, not long ago, couldn't resist the lure of his smell and I find none. I know I can't be complacent, but I feel like I have made it through the knot and feel much more confident than I ever had. His aroma is still enticing, that's for sure, and my throat still burns dully when I breathe in his scent, but it's something that has no influence over me any longer. I slowly lift my arm and caress his chin as lightly as I would caress a butterfly's wings.

"See, everything is fine now. This is all so new to me but it's becoming easier with every minute I spend with you."

In response, he kisses my hand, his lips soft and warm against my skin.

"You can come closer then. Would you like to?" He stutters. I hear his heart beating faster, like the pistons of an accelerating car. Solid thumps, ratcheting up in frequency and intensity.

I don't say anything. I doubt there would be any need to. Instead, I gently hold his head between my hands, silently letting him know that he should remain immobile. I inch closer to him, looking at the blood coursing through his veins, slightly turning, until I can rest my cheek against the soft flesh between his chin and his Adam's apple. My hands come down and rest on his shoulders. I move around a little more and eventually manage to line up one of my ears with his heart. I sigh, completely relaxed and bask in the happiness my proximity to him is bringing me. Whatever discomfort our intimacy is causing me, it's almost unnoticeable.

"Can I hold you?" He asks, a strange quaver in his voice.

"Please," I whisper back to him, closing my eyes.

Hesitantly, I imagine more scared of my predatory instincts than afraid to hurt me, he wraps his arms around my body. The fingers of one of his hands run through my hair, sending ghostlike shivers down my spine. Hi entire body leans against mine, enveloping me in his warmth.

We remain like that for a long time. I bask in the heat coming to me in waves from his body, his dreamy caresses, and of course the myriad natural sounds filling the air around us. Some memories, ancient ones, quietly stir in the depths of my mind. Of course, I never had a boyfriend before, but this kind of intimate feeling is not new to me; it must be reminding me of hugging my mother, of the sense of peace and security it brought to my fragile human existence. And I enjoy it now that this contact means something rather different, as his body responds in natural way to our physical proximity. I ignore that for now, although it does flatter me, and I sit quietly, pretty much in his lap, for a long time.

As nice as it is, eventually I feel like looking at his beautiful, liquid eyes and I turn to face him.

"Was that very difficult for you?" He asks, trying to hide his eagerness to hear my reply.

"No, it wasn't difficult at all. It was really good. The thirst is always there, but other emotions are becoming stronger, overriding it, making me forget it entirely. Was it hard for you?"

"No, of course not."

"You know what I mean…" I peer at him, maybe leer a little, hoping he gets my drift. I don't want to talk about it directly, but a flirty hint doesn't seem out of place.

"Cheater. You already know the answer to that question. But okay, if that's how you wanna play it…. Yes, at first it was really very hard."

It's still pretty easy to make him blush, I think. It makes me feel a little naughty.

"I wish we didn't have to be so careful…" He adds unexpectedly. "But it was a heavenly first contact nevertheless. Your thirst is a bigger issue. I don't want you to suffer because of me."

When he's so cute and shy, and yet considerate, he's really lovable.

"Hush. Don't say that. It's not your fault I am who I am. You take everything so well and you trust me so completely. I couldn't ask for more. Your unconditional acceptance is everything I've been dreaming of for the last few weeks. They felt like a very long time, even to me, endless maybe. Here," I gently take one of his hand and bring it close to my face, press it against my skin. "Can you feel how warm my cheek is?"

He appears surprised, but soon smiles.

"Don't move." He says. My curiosity piqued, I obey his instructions and turn into a vampire statue. He strokes my face, slowly and delicately. I close my eyes, filled with more feelings I'd never known, and when one of his fingertips glides along my lips I open them slightly and my tongue darts out, reaches for his skin. I hear his heart stutter and start up again, and he must notice because, probably embarrassed, he withdraws his hand.

I just look at him, while a thousand scenarios flit through my thoughts. Desires I'd only read about but never actually felt ravage my mind now, send shivers down my spine, seem to turn into liquid warmth sliding through my bloodless veins, saturating my body with imaginary heat. I have to admit to myself that I'm even more like our classmates now, my head stuffed to burst with fantasies. I think of our bodies pressing against each other, the warmth coming from him in relentless bursts, our lips joining….. All of this is somewhat painful, as any unfulfilled wish could be, and yet it also brings me pleasure. I just stare at him for a few minutes, speechless, at the mercy of the emotions coursing through my body.

"I have lived a long time," I finally say to him, and yet I can't really find the right words to describe how I feel right now. I wish you could comprehend the complexity, the confusion… all swirling in my mind, in my limbs, along my skin… even in my bones. I wish you could understand me…."

"Tell me…" He says, his voice oddly hoarse.

"I don't know that I can. I've read so many books, watched so many movies…. And yet language deserts me now. I told you about my physical hunger. You might not be fully aware of what our conversation implied, since you are not addicted to illegal substances. However, intellectually you understand the concept of addiction. But that was just an analogy. Even long before I met you I had to feed to survive and my metabolism requires blood. Humans can't go without food either, so I'm sure you understand that easily enough. But now, there are new wants… And needs…. Also uncertainties, and fears…."

"As a human, I'm afraid I'm all too familiar with those feelings, Lynn. I think I understand them better than you think…. They're the probably like ones that are scattering my thoughts and rearranging my internal organs in new configurations every time you dazzle me."

He might, at that. These are different times; topics that were mostly taboo when I was young are now discussed openly all the time.

"Is it always like this then, to be human?"

"For me? No, never, I never felt anything like it, that's for sure. I can guess what those hungers are based on everything I learned, what friends or my parents told me, my normal upbringing, but I think I feel the same confusion you do because I never actually experienced anything this powerful, anything so earth-shattering and life-changing…."

He becomes quiet and just observes me carefully, quietly, but also taking his time. It's not the lecherous appraisal of a pervert, more like the stunned bliss of a worshipper. And, I think, he seems to be calculating something, pondering what to say next. I know what I'd like him to say. I shouldn't. I really shouldn't, but I hope for it with all my heart nonetheless.

"Can you guess what I'd like to try now, since this is a day for experiments in intimacy?"

He feigns nonchalance, but I don't buy it. His heart is pounding like crazy. It's something that matters to him a lot. Yes, I'm sure I know what he's thinking. I now understand this moment was always unavoidable. It's the most natural next step for individuals who feel toward each other like we do.

"Yes. I think it's the same thing I'd like to try…. Please, don't move a muscle." He nods, swallowing hard.

I use both of my hands to gently hold his head again and move slowly, oh so slowly, closer to him. I know we both want this, but I proceed with caution, mindful of Alice's warnings and of my recent close call. And yet, o, that instinct seems to be gone. I feel like I'm in complete control now. His presence causes me some physical pain I can easily ignore, but, for now at least, not much else.

And so I move closer, and closer still, until my lips finally touch his. An explosion of sounds and colors shatter the darkness of my mind and I hear angelic choirs singing in my ears as I kiss the boy of my dreams. As much as I want to just let these feelings overwhelm me I can't; I know I must remain vigilant. And yet, I'm also surprised by his ardor… Before long, he's pulling me closer to him, his lips pushing harder against mines. I reciprocate his enthusiasm but only for an instance, because than I remember what would happen to him if my teeth were to rupture his integument and I gently force him to move back a couple of inches. Part of me wants to keep kissing him of course, and much more than tht. But this is not the time yet, if it ever will be.

His current blush reaches epic proportions.

"Brandon…."

"Lynn, I'm so sorry." He mumbles, thoroughly distraught.

"No, I understand, believe me," and I really do. I wish I could show him how much I really mean this, but words will have to suffice. "It's just that I cannot let my instincts take over. Not yet. It's dangerous. Aside from the thirst, you know the scope of my physical strength. I need more time to learn how to be close to you. I want it so much, so badly, but I have to remain cool and collected until I grow accustomed to all this….. At least now I know I'm stronger than I thought."

"Yeah, right. On the other hand, I'm just as weak as I imagined." He looks down at his feet but I won't allow that; I want to look at his eyes again, so I prop his chin up.

"Can we just cuddle again?" It's not really what I want, but until I feel even more comfortable when close to him it will have to do.

"Okay." I find a comfortable position, my body pressed against his warmth, both physical and emotional; his complete acceptance of who I am feels like a safe, happy lace where I can find the rest I'd been craving for so long without even knowing it. When I feel him gently stirring against me, a long time later, I notice the sun is sinking behind the trees. He must be worried about getting back home. I'm not really sure on the rules he has to follow at home, or whether he has a curfew. His father seems pretty casual about things but during the week Brandon usually goes to bed early. Anyways, I know I don't want to get him in trouble.

"We need to go right?" I ask him, my voice a little subdued.

"My father will be worried if he doesn't see me at dinner. And I will need to eat as well. I only brought lunch in my pack."

"Okay. It will get dark soon here in the woods. Time flies, as always. But I can speed up our return. Let me carry you. We will go much faster."

I get up and help him up as well.

"Well, okay, I suppose, if you really want to, and as long as nobody sees us…. Having a girlfriend that belongs to a superior species is something else…."

He's really funny again, but not so funny that I wouldn't notice his choice of words. Maybe I should leave it at that, but a question comes to mind and I cannot hold it in.

"So I'm your girlfriend? And you're my boyfriend…?"

He puzzles it over for a few seconds, his face hardened by what I can only construe as serious concentration. The silence of his mind, once agin, fills me with frustration.

"Those words don't seem to be enough, I know, but they're the ones people will use." I like his answer.

"We know better." I tell him. We look at each other and laugh a little; our non-verbal communication is improving as well. His mind is still opaque I feel like we are getting closer regardless. Maybe over time we will become one of those couples who naturally understand each other without need for words. As I look around, though, I remember that there is another sot I would have liked to show him. This is the best time to go there as well.

"The sun is about to set. I was thinking we could take a little detour before we go back. We have the time to make it to a nice viewpoint if you won't be scared of how fast I can run….."

"I trust your vampire-senses." I replies, totally unfazed.

I lift an arm and point it at a nearby peak, part of the Olympic Range.

"Are you sure it won't take long? It looks a little far…"

It's also cute that he still doesn't seem to grasp how quickly I can move.

"It's closer than it looks. I can take us there in fifteen minutes."

"What are we waiting for then?"

"Nothing. Let's go, Sir Knight. I shall be your steed."

He rolls his eyes, exasperated, and then collects his stuff before riding me piggy-back, his arms tightly clasped around my neck. His extra weight doesn't slow me down at all and soon we are at the top of the peak I indicated to him. The timing couldn't be better, as the sun is about to sink into the lonely waters of the ocean.

"That was fun." He says excitedly as I let him off. "I know you keep denying it, but you vampires are great."

I pretend-scoff at him, but probably can't hide how glad I am to hear him say that. As long as my speed doesn't scare me it will be a lot easier for us to go places cars can't reach. And of course, I'm so glad I'm not running lone anymore.

"I always loved running, but even that is a lot more fun if you're with me…" It all seems so unbelievable, so farfetched. And yet its all true. We are here, together..

We hold hands and look at the view. An irregular ridge of hillocks swaddled in thick woods stretches below us, rushing to meet more imposing mountains capped with snow farther away. Beyond it, ahead of us, the red disk of the sun is sinking in the waters of the Pacific, bloodying the horizon. The cloudless blue sky gradually darkens in concert. A flock of birds in v-formation glides north on thermals only they can feel, their squawks feeble and distant. There is a rustle below us, and a bald eagle spreads its golden wings to gracefully soar above the thick vegetation before veering toward the shore. And I'm here with my boyfriend. This is another surprise; I'd never imagined how much pleasure could be derived from the use of such a simple, tiny human term. Just a word it might be, but for me it also represents the end of a lifetime of loneliness. I'm about to share that with him, when, out of the blue, something strikes me as odd. I was so relaxed, and we are such in an isolated area, that I let down my mind-shield, let myself open, exposed to the thoughts of anybody in the vicinity. I thought we were too far away from civilization to meet any other humans, but now some garbled words seem to have brushed against my mind. Come to think of it, it's not that strange; in these parts, quite a few humans like to hike and camp in the wilderness. I'd better focus on them, make sure they are not heading in our direction.

"Lynn, what's wrong?"

"I think I sensed… something."

I don't hear anything and I decide to make a conscious effort, scanning the whole area for human thoughts. Because, I realize, the thoughts I heard had a kind of edge, and now a psychic aftertaste. The people whose thoughts I caught are not actual humans like Brandon; they belong to vampires.

"Something like what?"

"Voices in my head; the minds of passing strangers."

I make even more of an effort, straining to locate the strangers, but I barely feel a vague murmur that soon turns into silence.

"It's gone now. They're gone. Out of range." Fortunately, they were heading in a completely different direction.

"Why is that a problem? Maybe it was some hikers, or some nature enthusiasts planning to camp in the area….:"

"No Brandon. I don't think so. I can't be certain, because of how far they were, but I think they were vampires. Their thoughts have a different texture, for want of better terms, from humans."

"Maybe members of your family?"

"No, I'm sure of that. Some strangers. Individual minds have a somewhat unique flavor, or signature, and I would recognize them immediately if they were familiar to me. I'll need to talk to Alice and Carlisle about this." It was probably just passing by. Most vampires, unlike us Cullens, don't mind living in bigger cities; more prey is available to them there. I shouldn't scare my boyfriend unduly. I'll change the subject.

"Brandon, you were about to say something, before I interrupted you…."

He seems flustered for a few seconds, but then regains his composure.

"I was thinking of the words of a song I've been trying to write… It goes like: the hour grows late, another day is coming to an end; soon the lingering afterglow will turn into the velvet darkness of the night."

His words are nice, but I'm not sure how to reply to them, or what brought this about.

"Unlike you, or at least on a different scale, I know that my hours on this beautiful planet are finite." He explains, squeezing my hand but looking t the horizon, lost in the beauty of the sunset.

"It makes me sad, but also happy, because it reminds me of the fleeting beauty, and frailty, of our lives, and because I can share this precious moment, this sunset that won't quite be the same tomorrow or any other day, with you…."

I understand him now, but I think words re not necessary. Instead, I inch closer to him and we hug.

"Lynn," He says quietly, my face still pressed against his chest better to listen to his heart beat, "we talked about your thirst, which concerns me but doesn't scare me, but I never told you about the one thing that truly terrifies me. Something that makes death look like a picnic at the beach."

I can feel him struggle to keep his cool. Something truly does frighten him.

"What would that be? The vampires I felt in the vicinity? They could be dangerous, that's true…" I inquire.

Oddly, he doesn't reply at first. He just strokes my hair, parts them, then sends shiver down my spine when he deftly strokes my earlobe.

"No Lynn. I fear something much worse than other members of your kind… I'm only scared that you might leave me, that you might vanish into thin air and never come back to me. My body can only die once, but life without you would feel like a thousand merciless, gruesome executions." His features twitch a little, his eyes are a little glad. He's making an effort to hold back tears and he succeed.

"I won't." I tell him in hushed tones. "I promise." She step back a few inches, so I can have a better look at him.

"Please don't attack me this time…." I warn him.

Our lips meet again, tenderly. Mines, hard and cold, his, warm and pliant. Yet, the resulting combination is bliss. My eyes closed, I kiss him and let my long, bloody past swirl away in an eddy that threatens to efface who I used to be and rebuild something new in its place. Brandon's body melts against mine, but then he seems to go limp and I have to hold him up. Worried, I interrupt our kiss and watch him gas for air like a fish out of water. I think I know what happened; he probably forgot to breathe.

"Brandon, this time you almost fainted on me. What am I going to do with you?" This is rather amusing, but also annoying.

"I also need to get used to being with you, Lynn. At times you have another super power: you put my brains through a blender. It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it; I loved it and you should take my dizzy spell as a compliment. Wasn't it good for you?"

I decide not to answer that. I just run my fingers along his neck and shoulder blades, amused by his shivering when I do that. When he recovers control of his body, he looks strangely upset.

"You are good at this too, aren't you?"

"Good at what?" What is he talking about

"Being human, and being with other humans."

At that, I can't help laughing.

"I learn quickly."

I caress him a little more and, holding my hand, he plants tiny little kisses on my wrist, making me tremble and delighted. The dreamy colors of the twilight have gathered and deepened all around us.