She ached deep inside.
The pain of the things wriggling inside her, forcing her to bow to their will.
She didn't want to do it.
She didn't want to sully herself like this.
She didn't want to hurt him.

But what could she do?
The last vestiges of her sanity were slowly slipping away, and the only thing left in her brain was an insatiable lust.
She wanted him. She wanted his love deep inside her.
Her stomach pushed out, her womb threatened to explode. Not because there was anything in there - it was entirely hollow. No, it was because there was too much nothing.
She was filled with Void, with the Emptiness of the Boundaries, and she had to get rid of it.
She had to spill it all out of herself, and into him.

But he was so far away. She couldn't reach him; no matter how far she stretched her hand out, another hand came from within her and pulled it back. Come to me, she would say. Come to me, my beloved. I want to love you and only you, and I never want us to be separate.

You want that too, don't you?

He smiles at her, touches her briefly, and walks away.

No, this isn't what I want.

She pushes her hands at her sides, balls them into fists, and is filled with frustration.

No, this can't be what he wants. I know him, I know what he wants. He reaches out to me, touches me, kisses me. When he does it I can tell he truly enjoys it, he truly feels fulfilled.

So why?

Why does he spurn me now?

I... I don't know. I can't know, he's closed himself off from me. I don't know what's going on inside of him.

I need to know.

She gets up from the bed. The blood on the sheets drips slowly onto the hard floor.

drip, drip

As it falls it pools into a hexagram, glowing faintly.

She walks, at first stumbling clumsily. Her feet are unaccustomed to the ground. They've only known the lightness of this bed these weeks. The lightness, the airy heaven where she felt him. Deep, driving inside her.

Now it is an empty hell, and she needs to break free.

She walks more securely now, her feet possessed of purpose. She doesn't know where they lead her; her mind is too preoccupied to care.

The blood continues to drip from the sheets.

She can't remember whose blood it was, where it had come from. The events of the past days were too much of a blur, a kaleidoscope of memories that make no sense if she tries to focus on them.

She goes to the bathroom, washes her face.

Her eyes are bloodshot, despite sleeping for who knows how long.

She has a cut on her cheek.

Is the blood hers?

She doesn't know.

She doesn't care.

Only Senpai exists in her thoughts, only he can command her attention.

Senpai... Senpai, what happened to you? Where are you? Why aren't you here?

How can I wake up without you by my side?

She washes her face, rinsing off the blood from her cut.

As she goes back to her bed, she notices a pair of shoes near the door.

Senpai's shoes.

Oh, thank goodness, he must be in the outbuilding.

She runs out, forgetting the previous awkwardness of her step.

"Emiya-senpai?" She calls out to him, heart pounding, waiting for a response. Her mind drifts to thoughts of his back, his muscular back...

She shakes her head, and goes to the outbuilding.

The lights are off.

She peeks inside, but he is not there.

Her heart is heavy with pain, and despair. Resentment.

How could he leave me? Didn't he say that he would protect me when I'm sick? Didn't he say he would make sure nothing would happen, that I would get better?*

She walks slowly, stumbling on the way, back to her room.

Once she returns, she sits on her bed. There is still some blood soaked into the sheets, though most of it did drip off onto the floor.

She smells the blood, sniffs it like a hungry dog.

Senpai...

She lays down, ready to go back to sleep. Her thoughts begin to drift.

Senpai... I miss you. I know I'm a bad girl, I know you need to punish me, but this isn't how to do it! If you want to punish me, instead of leaving me, just hit me. Kick me with your boot. Rape me. I don't care... just stay here with me.

I love you.


Her eyes are closed, her mind is nebulous.

She is only tangentially connected to "the World".

With just a little flick, she can escape it entirely, the Spiral.

It constricts around her, wanting to pull her back in.

No, she won't let it.

She pushes out.

She hears Senpai's voice on the other side.

He sounds so mature, so manly...

He can rescue her from anything.

Senpai, rescue me.

Be with me forever.

Save me from this Spiral.


She opens her eyes.

What a strange dream...

She sees only the ceiling, which seems unfamiliar to her no matter how many times she sleeps in this room.

It's Senpai's room, in Senpai's house, and without Senpai here she just feels like a stranger.

An invader.

She sits up. She needs to eat something, keep her strength up.

If she doesn't, she might die before he gets back.

He will get back, she knows he will.

She can smell him, even now.

Is he close?

Her eyes focus.

Before her, she sees a ruin. A pile of rubble at the other end of the room.

Did... is the house falling apart? Emiya-senpai's house?

The house must be missing him... it must need him as much as I do. And when he's not here, it falls apart.

Or is it because I'm here? Am I making it fall?

Why am I so bad? Why can I never be happy, never be saved, no matter how much I am punished?

No matter how much Senpai loves me?

"Senpai," she whispers softly.

"Emiya-senpai..."

Will he never answer?

She sees a form on the rubble. Who?

"What a strange little girl you are."

A voice.

A man's voice.

She focuses her eyes, to see a red form. Red, like the blood on her sheet.

"S-Senpai? Is... is that you?"

She still cannot see who it is.

"Well, I can't say I know who you mean by 'Senpai', but let me ask you a question instead."

He stands up from the rubble, and walks over to her.

His steps are powerful, sure, confident.

He gets close and she can see him, see his face.

It's so beautiful...

He puts his face close to hers.

"I ask you," he says.

Why do I want him? Why is he so... Why do I want to be in his arms forever?

Do I no longer love Senpai? Am I so fickle, jumping from one man to the next?

...

I really am bad. I don't deserve to live.

Senpai, when you come back, please.

Kill me.

He speaks anyway, uncaring of her inner turmoil.

"Are you my Master?"