Summary: Helga loses someone she loves. She povides comfort for everyone but herself.
Disclaimer: I own nothing (regrettably).
He is dead.
I remember his mother called to tell me what happened, she said everything in a very hollow voice, I remember dropping the phone.
The funeral was beautiful. His friends were there and they said wonderful eulogies. Beautiful words that truly reflected the person that is Matthew. I sat beside his family. His mother was sobbing uncontrollably, his sister was weeping quietly. His father was silent, trying to keep his grief at bay. I stared at everyone, watching their reaction, at the death of an amazing person. I saw some girls from school crying, his male friends were all silent and brooding. His best friend was trying very hard not to cry. I walked to his side. He looked at me, I saw his eyes brimming with unshed tears, I took his hand and placed it in mine, then I told him, "Let your tears flow, and your heart grieve, for he was a man who never hesitated to let his emotions lead him to where he is supposed to be. To honor him you have to mourn for him and then start living again" At my words he broke down, he hugged me fiercely, as though I was the one thing that could save him. I held him and let him cry over the death of his blood brother.
After the burial everyone went to their house. I heard people talking about him. About his achievements but mostly about his kindness, how he was the epitome of a perfect son, brother, student, friend and boyfriend. It was hard hearing those people talk about him in past tense. I wanted some solitude so I went up to his room. There I found his mother. She was clutching his favorite shirt, wanting to imprint his scent to her memory. When she saw me, she hastily tried to pull herself together. She seemed embarrassed to be seen in such a state. I looked at her and truly saw the grief she had burdened herself. I felt that she needed comfort, I wanted to try and give it to her. I walked over and held my hand out to her. She took it tightly, for the second time I felt as though I was a lifeline. I led her to a chair. We sat there in complete silence for a while. I was staring into the emptiness, she was silently weeping. Then I broke the stillness, "Do you remember when we were eleven, how he would go insane every time summer starts? He dances goofily from here to the kitchen, where you would give us cookies and milk." I saw her smile sadly. "Do you remember when we were twelve, how he would try so very hard not to cry as you guys were dropping us off in camp? Then after ten minutes there, it was like he did not even remember why he was upset in the first place." I saw her smile fondly at the memory. Then as though she felt guilty for even feeling something other than grief she frown. I looked at her " I need to hear more. I want to know more about him. About things I never saw and never heard about him, and I think you can tell me all that I need to know." Then she started telling me her stories about him. For the rest of the night, she was herself again. I knew tomorrow she may go back to being a shell of a person , but tonight she is his mother, who loves him wholeheartedly. Then there was a knock. It was his dad, who told us that everyone was gone. His mother nodded and stood up. When she was by the door she looked back at me and said "Thank you." I nodded and asked if I could stay there for a while. She smiled and said yes. His father kept looking at me, then after a while he finally left.
It has been three months since I have been to their house. I heard from people around me that they have been having a tough time. I suppose that happens when someone you love dies. I decided to go to their house for a visit. The sun was blazing. It was a hot walk towards their house but I was determined to get there. Finally I got to the door. I stood there, sweating profusely, wondering if I should knock, I never had to before. Just as I was about to the do it the door swung open, It revealed his sister, Nicole. She looked terribly frail. Her eyes were red and puffy, I wanted to hug her right then and there, but I held back. Instead I revealed what I was carrying with me, her favorite ice cream. She forced a smile and stepped back to let me in.
"Mom's in the kitchen. Go say hi." with that she went up to her room. I did just as she said. When I went in his mom hugged me and told me they missed me. I nodded and said likewise. She looked tired, but there was hope in her eyes. I felt that it was because of me. The unspoken message was received loud and clear. I asked for some spoons and bowls and proceeded to Nicole's room. When I got there it was a mess. It was a bad sign for she has always been a neat freak. She was staring out the window. "I saw you looking at the door earlier, that's why I opened it for you. You know, like I always did when he…um." she couldn't even say his name. Tears were already running down her cheeks. I put the ice cream down and went to her. "Say his name Nic." "I can't. It's so hard! Every time I think I can I just can't do it." her grief evident in her voice. "Matthew" I said. "Your brother is Matthew. And he is dead." She turned towards me sharply, her eyes narrowing with disapproval. "Why are you here Helga?" "I'm here to see you Nic, I knew you would be like this, you can't accept that he really is dead." "Stop saying that! It's as if he meant nothing to you! You didn't love him did you? That's why it's so easy for you to say that he is DEAD! How can you be like this? I never even saw you cry at his funeral!" I can sense that she is just starting her tirade so I let her continue. "I hate you! Here you are standing here telling me my brother is dead. Don't you think I know that! I feel it inside me…this huge emptiness, I loved my brother and now he is gone, I don't know what to do? I miss him. I miss Matthew! Why did he have to die!" she was barely standing and was sobbing uncontrollably. I knew then that it was okay. I slid down the floor next to her. Wiped her tears with my hand and enveloped her in my arms. She continued crying for a while longer, her shoulders shaking with sheer anguish. I just held her. The sun was down, the house was cooling down. Nicole and I were still on the floor. She hasn't stopped crying. I realize why it's so hard for her. She's only fourteen, she worshipped her brother. Her brother adored her and would never want to see her like this. "It's okay to miss Matt. It's okay to feel sad, mad and out of control. Your brother loves you, so very much. He'd hate to see you like this, but he'd understand. When it comes to you he always seem to." I saw her smile slightly. "But know that he's never gone, he is always inside you, the emptiness you have is not really empty, it's just him trying to worm his way out, be recognized, you know how he is." she was smiling more. "But most of all he will never be gone, he'll be in your head, telling you that you're not doing the right thing, he'll be in your heart telling you to follow his guidance. Like he always has. He is so much like you. When I see you, I see him too. He lives in you. So he is always there, for you and for me." she hugged me tightly, once again the lifeline. Then we both stood up. Nicole looked around her room and said "Yuck! I suppose this is him trying to get out, right." I smiled, she started laughing, then she stopped and asked "Is it too soon?" "To laugh? Never. Besides, this is so like him." I gestured around me. With a final laugh she started picking up her clothes on the floor. It was as though she was picking up the pieces of her life as well.
For the weeks that followed I kept coming to their house. Nicole and I would go for walk at eight in the evening. Like Matt and I used to. She told me that life at home was still a little off, but her mom was doing better than her dad. She often caught her mom smiling wistfully, thinking of Matthew no doubt. Nicole thanked me for it. As for her, she was getting as close to normal as she could. Her cheeks are looking rosier and her eyes were not so red and puffy anymore. She tells me that some nights she would wake up and cry , but it was as though she was also being comforted, afterwards. She thanked me for it. I shake my head at her thanks. I knew I had something else to do.
It was nine in the evening, Nicole had homework so she couldn't go for a walk with me. I decided to go there anyway. I knew it was late but I needed to go. Once again I found myself at the door. I was about to knock, when it opened and revealed his mother. She smiled and let me in. She asked me how I was I said I was okay. I asked her how she was and she smiled and hugged me. I could tell she wanted to thank me for Nicole. I just muttered an incoherent welcome. When she released me from her embrace, I asked her where his father was. A shadow flickered in her eye, her smile disappeared. "He's in his study." I told her I was going to see him she told me it wasn't such a good idea. "I have to try." she smiled sadly and let me go my way.
I knocked on the door. No one answered. I let myself in. He was sitting in his chair, behind a great table. He seemed so unreachable. He looked up and nodded at my direction. "Hello Mr. James. How are you doing?" "I'm doing okay Helga. What can I do for you?" he nodded at the chair in front of him. I took a seat. I was nervous. This wasn't his mother who always welcomed me since his death, it wasn't Nicole who cried on my shoulder. This was a man who wouldn't let anyone see his weakness. But I had to try. "Look Helga, you don't have to try to fix me, like you did my wife and daughter. I can deal with my own grief." he looked at me straight in the eye. "I'm not here to fix anyone sir, I merely reminded his mother and sister of things they already knew." he winced at my pronoun. "Mr. James, I know that the pain you are feeling will never go away, I just want to try and do what I can to ease it." He looked at me understandingly, "and what about your pain Helga? Will that ever go away?" "No sir, I don't think it will. But doing this, being with his family certainly lessens the ache." he shook his head slightly, smiled faintly, "Heck of a girl Matt chose! He loved you so much. Okay, Helga. I'll let you try." he cleared his table of everything and then looked at me expectantly. I looked at him, it was as though he was trying to placate me and my attempts. So I did as he asked. I tried. "He was working on this since your last birthday, he told me that every year he has to compete with what he did the year before. Since it's going to be your fiftieth he decided to do something that won't be bought at any gift shop." From my back pack I brought out a thick leather book. I laid it on the table. "He compiled your lives as a family. He was able to finish until winter of this year. He managed to get pictures from all your friends in college and put it all there. I tried to finish the rest. It's all there Mr. James." with that I got up and left.
I didn't hear from them for a week. I decided to stay away as well. I felt as though I did my part so it was their turn now. Then his mother called. They wanted me to come over for dinner. I accepted.
I was walking towards the door when it opened, it revealed all three of them. They welcomed me with warm smiles and hugs. I felt as though the past six months hadn't happened. We ate dinner, conversation was very much alive, there was laughter on the table. I felt a sense of calm around me. When dessert was served and eaten we moved to the family room. Silence settled over us. Then his dad hugged me. He was crying, I never saw him cry before. Then all three of them were crying, they wanted to thank me for all that I gave them. His mom hugged me and told me I was a part of their family, I held them all together. Then Nicole took my hand and said she did not lose a brother, she gained a sister. Then his dad hugged me again and whispered "Thank you for giving me my son back." I nodded. That was when I knew I did what Matthew would have wanted me to do. But at the same time I felt more alone than ever before.
Note:
I came up with this story about two years ago. It's about how you move on from losing someone you loved so completely, to death. I thought it suits Helga's character. Although I knowwhat she did in this storyis a bit out of character. But she is seventeen in this story, and they moved away from Hillwood, thusMatthew.BTW, they moved to Los Angeles, when she was ten. So she has been there for seven years at Matt's death. In the next chapter it'll be a year later and it'll be in a third person point of view. So there, hope you read it, we'll obvious;y you did if you got to this part, and that you liked it. Next chapter will be in a day or two, no school rocks!!!!!!!
