I saw him.
He had the saddest look on his face. I've never seen him so miserable in my life. He looked at me, as though he wanted to hold my hand in his. I reached out my hand. But I couldn't touch him.
I saw a river appear out of nowhere. It separated me from him. I shouted his name, but the wind muffled my cry. I need to be with him. I looked down the waters and saw nothing but black. I looked back at him. He was just standing there.
"I'm coming Matthew. Wait for me." I shouted once again. He didn't seem to hear me. He was shaking his head. He was so far away. But his eyes were so clear to me. It was a reflection of all the feelings I've had since he died.
"Matthew I need you." I shouted once again. I could hear the desperation in my voice. I waited for him to say something back. I wanted to hear his voice. But he just kept shaking his head.
He was turning away from me. I knew he was going to walk away. I looked at everything around me to see if I could do something to get to him. His figure was becoming smaller. In panic I jumped into the river. I felt the water lull me into sweet oblivion.
I woke up from the dream. I felt my heart pounding rapidly. This was the third time this week that I had that dream. I've been in Hillwood for the last two months. And in that period the dream has been haunting me. Every time I woke up I felt the intense desire to weep.
I looked at the clock beside the bed. It was only five in the morning. I sighed. I haven't had a decent sleep since I've been here. I decided to get up, since the pattern was I wake up and can't go back to sleep. I silently went down the stairs and walked into the Hyerdahls' study.
They had a wide variety of books. I started looking for any book that sparked my interest. I have read most of the classics, so I was branching out the non-fiction part of their collection. I finally settled on the book on the current president. My favorite seat was Mr. Hyerdahl's sofa. It had an ottoman where I can settle my feet. I found my comfortable position and started reading.
The sun was about to rise. I put down the book I was reading and decided to watch the sun come out. I heard Phoebe's mom moving in the kitchen and I saw the clock hanging on the wall. It was already seven in the morning. I noiselessly left the study and sneaked up to the guest room. Everyone was worried when they found out that I couldn't sleep the first week I was here. So I resolved not to worry them further by keeping the fact that I had the recurring dream.
I could hear Phoebe getting up in her room. Our relationship seemed so strained lately. I know she's trying hard to help me get through whatever it is I am going through. A part of me just doesn't want to be helped, I guess she feels I am more out of reach here than when I was in LA.
I sat on the bed and reached for my bag beside it. I rummaged through it. I found what I was looking for. A group picture on my sixteenth birthday. Everyone looked so happy then. Matthew and I were at the center of that happiness. He had his arm around my waist and I had my head on his shoulder. I can't seem to put down that particular photograph. I long for his arm to be around me again. I sighed and knew it was impossible.
A knock took me away from the sad train of thought. I knew it was Phoebe. "Come in." I murmured. She quietly entered. I saw her looking at me as if trying to find out if I was any better today. She sat beside me and asked what I was going to do that day. I shrugged and remained quiet.
"Helga, I'm really worried. You don't seem toenjoying yourstay here. When I asked you to come here I thought I could-." she broke off. I could tell she was hurt that I have kept everything I felt from her. I reached out and took her hand. I wanted to say something that would make her feel better. But if I lied I knew she would see right thru me.
"I'm sorry if what I am in this moment is not the way you want me to be, Phoebe. When I was back in LA I didn't give myself the time to think about Matthew. Since I came here I think about him all the time, somehow it helps me, being alone, not being as talkative as I used to be. I've been around everyone and said everything I had to say to the people who needed to hear it. Since coming here, I got the chance to exist again, not the way I used to be, but at least I can try . I think only I can help myself." I told her the truth.
"Pheebes, don't hold it against me if I purposely leave you out, in certain aspects of what I'm going through. It's hard enough being strong for Matthew's family, but I had to be strong for mine as well, I know I didn't let you know what I was going through, mainly because I know I won't have the strength to be strong in front of you too. I guess its my weakness, the need to be strong. I just have to deal, in my own pace. I'm sorry, but this is what I have to do." I looked at Phoebe and saw tears were about to fall. She hugged me tight and left the room, as if she didn't want me to see her cry, especially since I seemed incapable of shedding a tear myself.
I lay down the bed and looked up the ceiling. Wondering if I will ever go back to the way I was before. If I can ever live again. I miss Matthew. I turned to my side and closed my eyes.
"Wake up sleepyhead." I felt his breath on my face. I reluctantly opened my eyes. I smiled at the sight that greeted me. Matthew was smiling mischievously. He rarely got the chance to wake me up. My father had the tendency not to trust any guy who's in my room. Not even Matthew.
I closed my eyes again. He pinched my nose. I refused to budge. "Come on, Helga. It's your sixteenth birthday. I won't give you your present if you don't get up right this instant." I just smiled and ignored his warning. I knew he could never resist me and my pouting techniques.
"Fine. Get some more beauty sleep. You'll need it. Tonight is your night to shine, my love." I involuntarily shivered as he whispered those words to my ear.
I opened my eyes and he was getting up from my bed. I pulled his arm and he landed right where I wanted him to. "Where's my present?" He smiled at my childishness and pulled me into his arms.
"I'm waiting." I murmured. I heard his choked laughter. He told me to close my eyes. I smiled to myself and leaned my back onto his chest. I could feel his breathing. "Open sesame." he whispered to my ear.
He presented me with a ring box. I turned towards him and he was grinning. Anticipating my reaction. I took it from his hand, and opened it. It was a plastic ring, the exact replica of what he gave me when we were twelve. It was a sunflower ring. I lost the first one when we were at summer camp three years ago.
I looked at Matt and he was smiling. "That's gift number one. Fifteen to go." I smiled at him and just shook my head at the wonder that is Matthew. I gave him sixteen gifts for his birthday two months ago. I grinned at him speculating on what the other fifteen would be like.
"Can we just stay this way for awhile?" I asked him as we went back to our previous position. I felt him nod against my back..
"We should get up soon, your dad's going to hunt me down if he sees us like this." he murmured to my back. I unenthusiastically got up. He did the same.
When I looked at him I realized something was amiss. Something was obviously bothering him. When I asked him if something was wrong. He shook his head and I let the subject drop. For now.
When I opened my eyes, I wished hard that I could see my eyes reflecting in Matthew's. I was disappointed when I didn't. I got up from the bed and started preparing for my daily routine.
It was already eleven when I left the house. I had with me my bag. It was full of food from Phoebe's mom, my phone and a notebook that remained empty of words that used to come so easily. In my pocket was the photograph I have been staring at since I started having that dream.
I spent most of the day at the park. I had the notebook and the picture in front of me. Desperately trying to write something. Anything. I heard people talking as they walked by. They were all full of life. I stared at the empty sheet of paper. I looked up again and saw a couple eating ice cream as they took a walk in the park. They were laughing and teasing each other. The guy was pinching his girlfriend's cheek. She playfully punched his arm. He pretended to be hurt and dropped on the ground. The girl joined him and the entire thing started all over again. I directed my gaze elsewhere.
Today seemed worse than any other day. The dream, then the conversation with Phoebe, another memory of Matthew and finally a couple who were as in love as Matthew and I were before he died. I closed the notebook and got off the bench. I looked at my phone and it showed the time, it was only two in the afternoon.
I started heading for the Paris. When I got there I sat on our usual seat. I took out my notebook and opened it. I reached for the photograph I had in my pocket and put it in front of me. A waitress approached me and asked me what I wanted. All I ordered was a black coffee. I returned to my previous preoccupation and kept staring at the notebook and the picture.
It seemed like such a long time when I finally managed to write down a word. I wrote Matthew's name. I stared at it. Then at the picture. Then back on what I wrote. I started writing. I wasn't exactly conscious of what I was doing. It seemed that Matthew's name triggered something in me.
I filled up the first page, then the next and the one after that. Words were rushing through my head and my hand wrote them down. I felt someone sit beside me, I automatically shut the notebook. It was Phoebe. She smiled at me, "So you're writing again?" I shrugged and asked where Gerald and Arnold were.
"They went to the restroom." as she said this she moved to the side of the table. They later joined us, complaining about school work and the pressures of senior year. Phoebe and Gerald were arguing about something. I wasn't really aware of what they were arguing about. All I knew was that I missed the banter that Matthew and I were so adept at doing. I sighed to myself.
I felt someone nudging me at my side. It was Arnold. He smiled at me when I turned towards him. He nodded towards the notebook I had my hands over.
"What are you writing?" he asked
I merely shrugged and forced a smile. I wasn't exactly ready to present to the world the fact that I could write again. Particularly since they didn't know I even had a problem. I felt Arnold staring at me again. Every time the four of us were out , there were moments when I feel that was all he does. This happens every time. It was kind of annoying when I first noticed it. But as the weeks rolled by I just got used to it. I try to catch him in the act but he would avert his gaze elsewhere. It was a stupid cat and mouse game we developed.
"So, Brian says hi by the way." he blurted out of nowhere. I gave him a look that asked where those words came from. He, himself, had a confused look on his face. As if he, too, was wondering why he even mentioned Brian in the conversation.
"I actually saw him yesterday." I was still looking at him as if he grew another head.
"Oh. So do you guys hang out a lot?" I raised my eyebrows at him as he looked at everything else but me.
"I go to the music store a lot, I guess. To pick out CDs, he does work there you know." he finally turned towards me again as he heard my answer. He seemed embarrassed at the turn of our conversation. I merely shook my head at him and wondered to myself what was going on in his head.
When I focused back my attention to the discussion that Gerald and Phoebe were having, I realized that Phoebe was gone. She went to the counter to order more drinks for us. I also realized that we were joined by the three beauty queens. That was what I call Rhonda, Nadine and Lila to keep up the pretense of being the same old Helga they used to know, if only for a little bit.
"What were you writing Helga?" Lila was looking at my notebook as she asked me this.
"Oh, nothing. Just a stupid notebook. Nothing of great importance." I hurriedly put the notebook away. Unfortunately, as I safely tucked the notebook in my bag, the photograph I was staring at earlier, slipped out of the pages. Just as I was about to grab it, someone else managed to take it before I could lay my hands on it.
"Well, finally. I've been asking you so many questions about LA. You wouldn't even share a smidge of information. Maybe this would enlighten us a bit." Rhonda stated as she turned the picture around.
I tried to control the inexplicable fury I was feeling in that instant. How dare she invade my life like this! That was my property. She had no right to look at it without a permission from me! I took a few calming breaths and in my mind tried to talk down the violent urge that was coming over me.
"Oh la la. Who is this gorgeous man beside you? And does he have his arms around you Helga dear? My my. Are all Californians this hunky? I got to get me one of those." I closed my eyes as I heard her gushing over my dead boyfriend.
The others at our table were leaning over her to look at the picture. I wanted to rip it out of their hands. But a part of me was just exhausted with having to deal with them at all. So I sat there quietly and let them have their fill. I will not succumb to temptation and lose all control that took me years to master.
Until…
"Helga, are you and that boy dating? Or still dating? Because if you're not can I have his number" Rhonda smirked as she said this.
I longed to shout he's dead you witch. He's dead. I'll never see him again. He'll never tell me he loved me. I'll never feel his arms around me, his hand in mine. I'll never be able to tell him that I do love him more than anything else in this world.
I felt myself break. All the walls I put up just so I won't break down were collapsing around me. The agony of losing him has been building inside me. I just never let it out. At that moment I felt as if my strength was finally failing me. I wanted to cry and shout and yell and just break.
I wanted to blame Rhonda for this empty feeling that is inside me. I wanted to blame her for making me realize that no matter how much I try to hide it I'm as weak as the next person. But I couldn't. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know anything.
I despise feeling so weak. I despise the fact that Matthew left me alone to deal with his death. I loathe the fact that he left me. He left me here. All alone. I detest having to deal with him being gone, everyday of my life for the last two years. And for as long as lived, I suspect. I've been swimming in this sea of misery and no one is there to save me. For he is gone. It was as though he tookall of me with him.He left my soul empty and bare. Why did he have to die? I longed to cry out to the heavens. I just want him back. Is that too much to ask?
In that moment I didn't care what the people around me thought. I stood up and decided to leave. If I stayed any longer I knew I would lose my sanity. Without any hesitation I walked away. I felt all of them looking at me strangely. I didn't care. I was so numb inside that they could have thrown stones at me and I wouldn't have cared. All I wanted was solace. But the one person who could provide it was gone. So there's no point.
I walked away.
Note: Thanks to all who read this story. I appreciate it so very much. Those who took the time to review all my thanks. In the next chapter I changed the POV since I felt it would be better if it was seen through someone else's eyes. It would be after all, the chapter that followed the huge revelation on the mystery that was Helga. So you have been warned. I'm actually working on it now, so maybe on Saturday it'll be ready. Thanks again to those who took the time to read this.
