I hated you.

I hated the fact that she loved you first.

I hated that you met her first instead of me.

I remember the first time I told her I loved her. In her eyes were pure uncertainty. I knew she would reject me.

Instead she took my hand and squeezed it tight.We stood in front of each other saying nothing. I looked into her eyes and I knew she was fighting an internal battle. You and I were the topic of this inner struggle.

I knew she would smile at me and tell me that we were better off friends.

I fought the impulse to pull my hand away and just walk out on her. But her grip was tight. I stared at our linked hands. I felt utter desperation. Never had I wanted someone more than I wanted her. I fought the impulse to hold onto her tight and never let go.

I kept staring at our hands and felt that this was how it should be.

She was meant for me.

I wanted to erase your presence in her life.
And replace it with mine.

When I finally looked up, tears were streaming down her cheeks.

With my free hand I took out my handkerchief and wiped her tears away.
I told her I wanted to be with her so much, but not at the expense of her unhappiness.
She smiled through her tears. She pulled me closer to her and whispered ever so softly. That she wasn't crying because she didn't want us to be together. She finally realized that she had to let you go, in order for us to work out.

Even then I hated you. For even after years of being away from you, you still seem to have a hold on her.

I told her not to let go. Just to move on, to live. I told her you will always be there for her. You will always be the boy who held the umbrella over her when her life seemed empty of meaning. You were the constant adviser when her path seemed unclear. But most of all you were the biggest inspiration, that helped her become the wonderful young woman she is today. Because of that you will never be gone.

She smiled at me. I knew then I had her heart.

We were fourteen then. Two years. That's how long we have been together. I love her more each and every day.

But today I was faced with a difficult task. I thought I would finally come face to face with my biggest rival for Helga's heart.

You were supposed to surprise her for her sixteenth birthday. Phoebe told me not to tell Helga about your surprise.

I wondered then if Phoebe even knew that I was with Helga. And if she did, then what the hell was she thinking! I wondered if you knew that Helga had a boyfriend. I wondered if, once she saw you, she would just fall into your arms, and leave me behind. I wondered if you finally knew the end of the sentence of your promise to her.

Early this morning, as I was watching her sleep, I knew all my insecurities about our relationship would be exposed upon your arrival.

The surprise would cause her to react naturally, with no chance to put a mask on to protect me. So I told her. I didn't exactly know how I wanted her to react.

She was quiet for awhile. Then she shrugged as though the appearance of her old obsession did not bother her the least.

We proceeded with the preparation for the big bash her parents set up for her.
All throughout the party I kept watching her. I saw her glancing at the door once in a while. Then towards Phoebe who would just shake her head.

When it was time for her birthday dance I took her into my arms.

She smiled up at me. A little too brightly, I thought. I saw her look at Phoebe again. This time Phoebe looked at her sadly and shook her head.

I knew then you were not going to show yourself. I looked into her eyes and saw a glimmer of disappointment. She put on her mask and pretended that everything was alright.

I felt myself go rigid. When the song ended I felt her stare on me. I refused to acknowledge it. I excused myself and left her on the dance floor.

I was fed up. All throughout our relationship I felt as though I was competingagainst you. I felt like it would never end.

I didn't even bother to say goodbye. I went to my car and just drove aimlessly.

I ended up at our special place. The beach where I first told her I loved her.

I looked out the ocean and wondered if my love for Helga would ever be enough.

It was three in the morning when I finally went home. I sneaked into the house quietly and went into my room.

And there she was. Sleeping on my bed. I looked at her. I love her so much.
I sat down beside her and she stirred in her sleep. I laid down beside her. Her eyes fluttered open. She touched my cheek and told me she loved me. I couldn't look her in the eye. She sat up and started babbling about our plans for senior year. We were way ahead of our class. We talked about traveling around the world.

I couldn't understand why she was talking about our plans two years from now. Then she switched to the topic of which university we were going to attend. What our lives were going to be like.

When she stopped, she looked at me pointedly. I knew then that she had planned for our future.

OUR future. Just like that all my thoughts and insecurities flew out of the window.

I gave her gift number sixteen, she smiled at what I gave her and just laid down next to me.

I wrapped my arms around her and we stayed like that until the sun rose.

Everything that happened, happened yesterday. I love her, she loves me.

What I want to know is why you didn't come in.

I saw you there yesterday. You looked in as Helga and I were dancing. Is that the reason?

You saw her happy. You didn't want to come and ruin it. Is that why?

If so then thank you.

I want you to know, if ever you do get the courage to face her, and fulfill your promise, I will fight for her with all that I am.

But if I see her happy with you, I will return the gesture you made yesterday.

I will let her be happy.

Note: There you go. The letter that Matthew sent to Arnold before he died. Hope it was okay. I don't know when I'll be able to update, but I promise that I will. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.