Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Solace
I clutched the letter tightly in my hand. I looked out the water and felt as though the grip within my heart was released. I stood up from the dock and started walking. I knew nothing of where I was going. I was completely unaware of my surroundings, all I was aware of was the letter in my hand.
I found myself standing outside Sunset Arms, I was incapable of movement. I wanted to knock and ask for Arnold. I tried to lift my arms and do just that, but I couldn't. I was turning away when I heard the door open.
It was Arnold's grandfather. He looked the same as he did seven years ago. His brow furrowed as he looked at me. "Are you looking for Arnold?" he asked me. I merely nodded and followed him as he gestured for me to come in. "You look awfully familiar young lady. Do I know you from somewhere"
I found myself shaking my head at his question. Then I heard someone exclaim "Eleanor!" I was about to turn and look for where the sound came from when I saw Arnold bounding down from the stairs, a glum expression on his face as his gaze fell on the letter in my hand.
The next thing I knew I was somewhere else. Alone. With Arnold. I tried to take in my surroundings and vaguely recognized Arnold's room. He steered me towards his couch and sat me down. He took the chair from his desk and sat down opposite me.
We sat there in silence.
He reached out for the letter in my hand, tentatively. I was still clutching the letter tightly. As soon as our hands came in contact I let go of the letter, I felt burned by his mere touch. I turned away from him. I tried to focus on the changes in his room. The room seemed smaller. But the skylight was still as magnificent as ever. The posters on his wall proved that he has grown up, it was filled with bands and movies. I felt like a total intruder for being there at all, ironic since I never felt like that before even when I was nine and I hid at behind the very couch I am sitting on just to protect my secret.
He cleared his throat to get my attention. When I gathered the courage to meet his eyes, I could tell I have managed to hurt him through my reaction towards his touch, but I could also tell he was overlooking my transgression. He was still holding the letter in his hand, as though it was the most precious thing in the world. I could feel his mental urging. He wanted me to talk to him. He used to be able to push me in the right direction in the old days. I could tell he was trying to save me just as he used to all those years ago. My heart felt so heavy all of a sudden. I could feel the urge to cry overcome me. The letter and the sympathetic expression on Arnold's face was my undoing. I raised my hand to the corner of my eye and felt the one thing I was missing a year ago, I felt my tears forming. I saw a drop fall into my lap. It finally came. The emotional breakdown that I was supposed to have upon learning that Matthew was dead. And it was happening before the very eyes of Arnold, my first love, my first obsession.
I felt so broken. The tears kept pouring. I was half-amazed at what was happening. But eventually I accepted the flow of all the emotions I kept bottled up for the last year. I recall Arnold moving beside me and cradling me in his arms. I remember whimpering incoherently about Matthew. I remember saying over and over "I love him so much, it hurts." I can't remember anything else.
My eyes refused to open. I had to try several times before managing to do so. And when I finally did they hurt like hell. As if I had been crying all night. I looked around me and realized I wasn't at the Hyerdahl's guest room. Everything made sense when I looked up towards the ceiling, from the bed I was occupying. I saw the skylight and I remembered all that happened last night.
Arnold comforted me as I finally broke down. I must have been crying all night. He must have carried me to his bed when I finally calmed down and slept. I also realized that I did not have Matthew in my dreams. I felt sadness overcome me once again. When will it stop hurting? It was as if my emotional breakdown still did not fill the emptiness in my heart, in my soul.
My internal anguish was interrupted when I felt like someone was staring at me. When I turned to look to confirm that Arnold was indeed looking at me, I saw him looking at something else. He was staring at the locket I have always hidden underneath my clothes, sometime during the night it must have slipped out and it now lay haphazardly on the bed, still around my neck. I could tell he was wondering whose photograph was in it. Our gazes met and I found myself staring into his blue eyes, something I haven't done since I was ten.
He looked away first. He wasn't about to force me into talking, I could tell. He was watching his steps lest I shutdown again.
I took off my locket and held it out to him.
"When I turned sixteen he gave me this. He mentioned in his letter to you, this particular gift." Silence reigned. He nodded in encouragement. " Gift number sixteen. His most special gift to me. I lost my locket the year before, the very same locket I kept your picture in. That locket was my source of strength. Every time life seemed unbearable, I held onto the locket and the memories. It started as a way of clinging on all that you symbolized, especially when you were so far away. But it evolved into my solace. It eventually stopped being about you and just about the locket. He knew that, but somehow he was still jealous of you. So he gave me that"
Arnold opened the locket and I knew he saw a photograph of Matthew. He remained expressionless. He looked at me again.
"He gave me that locket, and that made it special enough. But he was not just special, he was extraordinary." as I said those words Arnold gave me a puzzled look. I stood from the bed and walked over to the chair where he obviously slept in last night. I took the locket from him. I showed him the engraving in front of the locket, "when life seem hopeless, hold onto this…hold on to us" Then I opened the locket and showed him the secret it held. Matthew had the jeweler build another opening, behind his own photograph. And there it was, a picture of Arnold, with another engraving "just a back up, in case my strength is not enough. "
Arnold was quiet. I found myself tearing up once again. Tears were streaming down my face. I lowered my head and tried to hide my grief from him. I felt him take my hand in his and squeeze it tightly. I looked up at him gratefully.
"Let me be your strength, just as he intended me to be." he murmured. He wiped away my tears with his free hand. He let me cry in his arms again.
For the next few days Arnold became my constant confidante and companion. He was constantly on my side, ready to be the shoulder I could cry on. I found myself crying over the simplest things. I was finally relieved to have someone I could truly open up to. I rarely spent any time at Phoebe's house. Most of the time Arnold and I stayed at his place. I told Arnold everything about my relationship with Matthew. By the third day he knew every detail of my three year relationship with Matthew, but I haven't told him how Matthew died.
I was finally on my path to healing. But I did not realize that somehow I was neglecting someone in my life. I still talked to my parents everyday. I could tell they are both relieved whenever I call them. I think they detected a change in my voice. I could tell by the way they talked to me that they knew sending me to Hillwood helped me find myself again. I also talked to Nicole and her entire family from time to time. They seem to get along fine. They told me they missed me and I say the same to them. Yesterday, Nicole asked me when I was coming home. I told her soon, but I know there were some things that I still need to do here.
I look at my reflection. I see myself. My face lost its gloomy expression. I found smiling and laughing easier to do these days. I smile at my reflection, the girl I saw smile back, a natural smile, no force required. I directed my gaze at the photograph on the mirror, the same picture that started it all, the one that Rhonda saw and made a comment on. I traced Matthew's figure with my forefinger and smiled. We looked happy together. His arms were wrapped tight around me. I close my eyes and for a moment I felt his presence beside me.
The doorbell stopped my reverie. I knew it was Arnold. We agreed earlier to go for a walk at the park. I checked my appearance again and started for downstairs.
I knew Phoebe let him in, they were talking in hushed whispers. I tiptoed down the last steps.
"So where are you guys going tonight?" I heard Phoebe ask.
"Just for a walk." Arnold answered
"Oh. Okay, take care then." I could tell that Phoebe was about to walk away.
"Would you just tell me what I did instead of giving my the cold shoulder all the time." he seemed impatient as he said this.
I was unaware that there was something amiss between Arnold and Phoebe, then again the last couple of days had been focused solely on Matthew.
"And don't you deny that you haven't been giving me the silent treatment. You can barely look at me, let alone talk to me"
"What do you want me to say Arnold? That I'm jealous of you. That I am so mad that out of all the people she chose you to confide in. That after an entire year of worrying over Helga, she chose someone else. Well, I am. Mad! Angry! Jealous! I knew Matthew. I knew how they were together. I knew how much she hurt when he died. Hell! I knew every tiny detail about Helga. Her unhealthy obsession with you back in fourth grade. Her reaction when Matthew first told her he loved her. I knew everything. Even when she was back in LA and refused to succumb to her grief. I knew it was all because she was trying to be strong for everyone else. Then I invite her here, in hopes that she will finally let it all out, to her BEST FRIEND. I have been the one constant in her life, before you and after you, before Matthew and after Matthew. And where were you? For the last seven years that she's been gone you never really asked about her. That's why you didn't even know about Matthew. And then I ask you if you wanted to go to her sixteenth birthday as a surprise and you did not even have the courage to go in. Then she comes here and all you can do is make goo goo eyes at her. Then you decide that you want her. Is that why you are doing this? So she can end up in your arms? Tell me Arnold, are you in love with her? Are you using her pain as a means to get to her heart"
I was unable to move as I listened to Phoebe's tirade. I immediately felt bad for the way I have been treating her. She was right in saying that she has been the one constant person in my life. I did not know that by being released from the grief that Matthew's death caused me, I would end up hurting my best friend.
"You have a right to be jealous Phoebe." he responded quietly. A heavy silenced followed. I wondered if I should just go in and stop their confrontation. But I knew that they have to settle this otherwise it would be a constant issue between the two of them.
"You are right that you have been the faithful best friend. You have every right to be jealous. But have you ever wondered that maybe you are entirely too close. To everything. Just as you said, you know every detail. Maybe because of that Helga can't confide in you. Because she will have to stay strong. You knew Matthew. She needed someone who didn't, someone she could talk to without having to feel sorry for causing further pain for that person. I think Helga knows that if she talked to you about him, you will feel your pain and hers as well. She did not want to burden you with both. I can give her that. I can absorb her pain because I have no attachments towards him. I have always cared for Helga and I always will. I just want to provide her solace, because that is what she desperately needs. I want her painful grieving to take its natural course. And I am sorry if in your eyes I did not seem to care enough for her, that my lack of interest in her for the last few years diminishes your idea of caring. But the truth is not a day went by for that last seven years that I did not think of her. I wonder about my promise, I wonder about her promise. I couldn't ask you about her because I knew I did not need to. Because if something bad ever happened to her I know you would share it with me. Because you know as well as I do"
I tiptoed back up the stairs. I did not feel the need to know what was said next. I went back to the room and sat on the bed. I could see my hands shaking. He was right. About everything. Everyone I know in LA was too close, they had their share of painful memories to deal with, I did not want to cause them further grief. But he was wrong about him not having any attachments to Matthew. The letter was proof of that.
I try to calm myself. I did not want to have to deal with Arnold's feelings for me, not when I am barely managing to deal with my feelings for Matthew.
When I felt composed enough to go back down I stood up. I entered the living room and was welcomed with the sight of Phoebe and Arnold hugging each other. I smiled and I knew then that they have resolved their issues with each other.
I coughed noisily and the two broke apart.
"Should I call Gerald and tell him to get his butt here right this instant?" The two grinned at me and Phoebe shook her head. Arnold walked towards me and asked me if I was ready to go. I nodded and he helped me into my jacket and bade goodbye to Phoebe as we went on our way.
The walk was pleasant if not a little quiet. I knew Arnold was still mulling over what went on between him and Phoebe. I was reluctant to break his concentration. But he beat me to it.
"How much did you hear"
I gave him a wry smile. It was so typical of him, the way he can easily read me.
"Not much. Enough I suppose." I replied He shook his head at my answer. We kept walking. We were almost at the park.
"I was just wondering, why you did not tell me you were having trouble with Phoebe?" "I guess I was trying to put off the inevitable. I knew the moment that I handed you that letter, I would put myself in this situation. And I guess I liked the idea of providing comfort to the great Helga Pataki. I didn't tell you that Phoebe was mad at me because I felt guilty for depriving her the chance to be the shoulder you could cry on. But I can't help wanting to be the one to give you that." I nodded at his answer. We were finally at the park. We walked a few more steps and stopped at what has become our bench. I sat down and looked at my hands. I felt him sit down beside me. When I finally directed my gaze at him he looking at the sky.
I followed his example and did the same. The stars were shining brightly. I felt a sense of peace as I ponder the idea that Matthew could very well be looking down at us. I felt giddy all of a sudden. I looked at Arnold again and I laughed. He gave me a questioning look. I boldly took his hand and gripped it tight. The darkness could not hide the blush on his cheeks when I did this. I smiled more brightly. He was staring at me intently.
"I'm going home Arnold." the words came out of my mouth, I was surprised at what I said.
He looked bewildered as he heard this. "But why"
It was then everything became clear to me. And I knew I had to make Arnold understand.
"There is something that I need to do there."
"What else do you need to do? You're finally grieving. Finally living again. What could you possibly need from LA? Are you going back to being strong for everybody else? You're doing just fine here Helga. Why can't you just stay here?" he gripped my hand tightly as he asked question after question.
I sighed and uttered "Matthew"
Arnold dropped my hand as he heard my answer. He looked away from me. I moved closer towards him and reached out my hand to his cheek. I gingerly turned his face back towards me. His blue eyes looked cold and empty.
"Arnold, you have done so much for me. You helped me be me again. I haven't felt like life is worth living until you made me realize that it is." he was still unresponsive.
"I need to do this. I don't want to go back there and be strong for everyone else. I want to go back because I need something from them. I need his family to tell me that I was good for Matthew. I need his best friend to stop hating me for not crying at all. I need my parents to know that I will be alright. I need to go to Matthew's grave and truly face the fact that he is dead. I think I just need to be weak with them." There was still no response from him. I let go of him and turned my gaze back at the sky. I wanted Arnold to understand that there were a lot of things I failed to do when I was in LA. Things that I can finally do after he saved me.
"I understand"
I looked at him. He looked at me and took my hand. He nodded and repeated the words he uttered. He smiled at me and I found myself smiling back. We sat there for a long while.
We spent two more hours at the park. Arnold looked at his watch and suggested that we head back because it was already ten o clock. I merely nodded and stood up as well.
The walk back was as quiet as our walk before. But this time we were walking hand in hand. I looked at our linked hands and I knew I had to tell him something. The one thing I have been dying to tell him when I heard his argument with Phoebe.
"Hey Arnold"
"Yes, Helga"
I gave him a smile, for the conversation was so reminiscent of the conversations we used to have back in fourth grade, minus the name calling.
"I have to tell you something"
"Okay, Helga." just like he used to.
"I knew you were there." "I was where?" he stopped walking and brought me to a halt as well. "I knew you were at my sixteenth birthday party"
"You knew?" he was awestruck.
I started walking again. He did not follow until I was a few yards away from him. He had to jog to keep up with me. I could see Phoebe's house drawing nearer. When Arnold finally caught up with me he grabbed my elbow and pulled my to a stop.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he gazed into my eyes. I could tell he truly needed an answer to his question.
I shook my head at him, "don't you remember? Your promise to me before I moved away. When you're ready. When you went to the party I saw you peeking through the room. I was surprised to see you the say the least. But I guess you weren't ready then, that's why I didn't force you to come in, even if I did see you"
"I guess I always knew how to finish that sentence. But things change, right? And you and Matthew got together because of your promise to me. I made you promise that you will let others see the beautiful person that you are. Now when I look at you I can't even see the angry girl you used to be." he was silent as though it pained him to say everything.
I remained quiet and let him get it out of his chest.
"You know Helga, when I first saw you at that party you were so different, you were smiling and laughing. Matthew was right there beside you, his arm wrapped around your waist. I knew then you kept your promise. You finally showed someone who you really are. I felt so jealous, not to be the one who helped you become this wonderful person. That's what made me turn away. I realize that maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought"
"So when you came back here, you and Lila hooked up?" I tried to hide my smile as I said this.
He gave me a frown as he nodded.
"That's really pathetic football head." he just shook his head as I reverted back to my fourth grade self. I reached up to him and caressed his cheek. "Hey Arnold, when will you realize that YOU are the reason why I became who I am today. You made me promise to more open to other people who come along in my life. Matthew was a beneficiary of that promise. I can never forget everything you did for me when we were younger, and I sure won't forget what you are doing for me now. I guess what I am trying to say is thank you." I stood on tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
We started walking again, he reached for my hand and I let him hold it. He was swinging our hands as we walked along. We arrived in front of Phoebe's house. We kept standing there, staring at the door. I started for the door, but I got held back by Arnold's hand. He pulled me back and held me close to him.
He whispered to my ear, "When you're ready." He let go of me and smiled. I opened the door and I looked back at him. He smiled again and murmured a goodbye. I shut the door. I couldn't get his smile out of my mind.
Note: There you go. Sorry if it took so long. I sincerely hope that you enjoyed reading it.
