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When You're Ready II
I sighed. I looked around the room that I have abandoned for the last three months. Nothing seemed to have changed at all. My dresser was still filled with photographs of Matthew and our friends.
I approached my bed and opened the suitcase that was lying there. I started unpacking my clothes and everything else I brought with me to Hillwood. My phone rang and on the line was Phoebe. Already checking if I got home okay. I laughingly told her I got home in one piece. A long silence followed. I knew what she was thinking. She was worried that once I got back here I would go back to being the sullen Helga. I told her that I would call her later and continued unpacking.
My carry on bag was the last thing that I started to empty out. I saw an unfamiliar envelop fall out. As I opened it I knew it was from Arnold. He must have slipped it into my bag when he hugged me goodbye. He didn't want me to leave, I could tell from all the looks he had been giving me since I told him my decision.
I unfolded the letter and recognized his familiar handwriting.
Dear Helga,
I cannot tell you how hard it is to write this letter. Last night when you told me you were leaving, a constant thought kept running through my head. Don't let her go. I realize that it is not my decision and even if I don't want you to go back to the place where you knew so much pain, I realize that you need to go. Otherwise you will constantly subject yourself to emotional turmoil, just like what you have been doing for the last year. And I realize that I don't want that. Not for you.
The past three months that you have been here have been the best months of my life. Despite our slow start, I managed to get to know you. The real you, the you that you have previously reserved for your friends back there in LA. Our walk last night have been most illuminating. Last night I felt like you were ready to move on with your life. Until of course you said that you were going back. I can't tell then, but the truth is I feel a little hurt. Not because I want you to stay here but because I just want you.
And that's the truth. You see Helga the moment you asked me to make the promise to you, I knew the end of that sentence. When I'm ready to fall in love with you. Well, I have been since that summer that you moved away. When you came to my house to say goodbye I knew I meant more to you than any other person in your life. Your confession was what brought me out of the fog. And I am hoping that mine will bring you out of yours.
Last night I was just about ready to tell you that I am in love with you. But I chickened out. Instead I am pouring my heart and soul into this piece of paper, something that you probably won't ever read unless I get the courage to actually give to you. But it's there nonetheless. I am in love with you Helga G. Pataki, and I have been for the last eight years of my life. It may not be as long as your devotion to me, but I am hoping it would be enough. When I saw you two years ago with Matthew I felt defeated. I could feel that you love him right then and there. And I questioned everything about you, about me, about us. I thought I imagined that one moment we had before you moved away. So I did something completely stupid. I went out with Lila. I felt nothing for her, she may have felt something for me. Looking back on it now I realize why I did it. Because you told me you were so jealous of her back in fourth grade. Going out with her made me think that I was hurting you the way you hurt me when I saw you with someone else. I know it seems cruel of me to involve someone like Lila into my misery. It took me a year to get out of that one. But when I did I knew that I was not kidding myself that I love you. Then you came back here. I felt hopeful. I thought that maybe it was our shot now. We can finally be together, the way we are supposed to. I did not know something as terrible as Matthew dying had to happen to bring you back to me. You still love him. His death just insured his immortality in your heart. When I saw him two years ago I imagined him fading away from your memory as I become your present and your future. I still feel that way. I wouldn't ask you to forget Matthew altogether. But I also don't want you to forget me. I want to be there for you, now and for always. I know how funny that sounds, after all we are just eighteen. Spending these three months with you confirmed my undying devotion for you.
I may not be able to compete with Matthew, and I won't even try. Because somehow, I know that you and I belong together. You knew it when we were three, I knew it when we were ten. Maybe then you stopped believing in it, but I hope that my belief compensated for the loss of yours. So hear me when I proclaim my love for you, I AM HEAD OVER HEELS, ASS BACKWARDS IN LOVE WITH YOU, HELGA G. PATAKI. And I meant what I said last night, when you are ready to fall in love with me, I will be there. I will wait for you, just as you have waited for me. And I can say with absolute certainty that I won't fall in love with anybody else.
With love,
Arnold
I could feel my hand shaking as I put down Arnold's letter. How is it that the men in my life can change everything just by writing a letter?
Note: There you go. Hope you enjoyed reading this.
