Her moods were volatile like that. She could be so depressed one night with me, after a fight or something. But the next time we saw each other… it was like nothing had happened.
90 of our fights started with me trying to get her to tell her family. I was ready to tell Louis and I wanted her to do it with me. I felt that I couldn't tell him and then sneak around with his sister behind his back. It was bad enough to be doing that, but to tell him would mean I was starting to open this part of me up. I've always felt that the truth is an all or nothing area.
Ren always promised she'd try and tell. She never succeeded. She was too afraid. And I, selfish as I am, blamed her for the fact that I hadn't told my own parents yet. I was ready, but she didn't want me to out myself to our day-time crowd until she could do the same. I liked the idea of having someone to go through it with me, so I agreed So technically, I could blame her… but I was afraid to tell them alone. I don't know why I put so much pressure on Ren to do it. I don't know why she never called me on it.
Anyway, the fight we'd had in the car the night before was among the 90. Again, I'd brought up the argument that if she really cared about me, if she really wanted to be with me… she'd tell. I'd then proceeded to curse myself in the safety of my bedroom. I had been very patient with Ren, and we'd been together for months in secret. It was perfectly reasonable that I wanted to make it public, but I wasn't going about it in a fair way. Or was I?
I considered telling my parents myself before they left for the airport, but they were running late and left in frenzied rush. I figured I'd bring it up with Ren again. I wouldn't pressure her to do anything, I'd simply tell her that I was going to tell my parents. Who knows… maybe if it was well-received news on their part, Ren would be more comfortable telling hers.
There was a knock at the door around 11, peering through the spy hole I saw Ren, staring at the ground and glancing over her shoulder. Making sure she hadn't been followed, no doubt. She was always so paranoid.
"Hey," I opened the door.
"Hello," she replied, giving me a light kiss on the cheek.
Every time we touched, in any way we touched, the feeling that surged through me was incredible. It was like a drug, this addiction I had to her contact. Just leaning next to her could give me a sort of rush, tying my stomach into a nervous knot, but not painful or sickening. It made me weak in the knees. I don't want to give the impression it was merely physical attraction that bound me to her, because it wasn't. We connected on so many levels. It was this physical side-effect of the love-drug that made me put up with her demands for secrecy . I was with her because I…
"I brought a movie," She said, stepping past me into the entryway. "Romeo + Juliet."
"Again?" I asked, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms, feigning irritation to cover the thoughts racing through my mind all of a sudden.
"It's been like 3 weeks since we last watched it. It's my favorite movie." She explained with a smile, pulling me in for another kiss. An effortless attempt at persuasion that succeeded as perfectly as she planned it.
"Ren," I reluctantly pulled away from her. "I need to tell you something."
Sensing the urgency in my voice, she straightened up nervously. "You're parents are gone till Sunday… we could enjoy the whole weekend in private. If you're going to start with me again can't it wait until Sunday?"
"Yes," I smiled. "I'm already planning to save that until Sunday."
"Well, what is it then?"
I hesitated, I had two bits of news and didn't see them as complimentary. So which one did I tell her? Well, telling her that I was going to tell my parents was bound to start a fight. Telling her what I'd just realized could yield a million different reactions.
"Tawny?" She touched my arm gently, pulling me out of my contemplations.
"I… just wanted to tell you that… I think…" I stopped. "Nothing. Never mind."
"What is it?" She pressed, it was obviously something big if I had trouble saying it.
I looked up at her soft brown eyes. "I wanted to tell you that," I inhaled deeply. "I think I'm in love with you."
The silence that followed my proclamation seemed to drag on interminably. She just started back at me, eyes wide. She taken her hand from my side.
"You…you don't have to say… you love me or anything," I stammered. "I just though that I should tell you."
"Yeah, yeah," She whispered. "But… that's… it's… big."
I smiled weakly. "I guess."
"I don't know…" she started. "I've never been… I mean, how do you know?"
"Ren," I sighed.
"You said it, you have to have something to back it up with, don't you? You can't just say something like that."
"I don't know, I just… you know, there's no pressure on you here. Let's just go watch the movie, ok?"
"But there is pressure on me. How can I not say something back?"
"You've said plenty back already."
"No, but I mean. I don't… I don't know if…if I love you."
"Ok, that's fine." I tried to pull her to the living room but she stopped me.
"I know that… I've never felt the way I do about you before." She said quietly. "But I've never been in love before. So I don't know if…"
"It's fine, Ren." I cut her off, not wanting her to keep torturing herself with emotional confessions. "Let's go watch the movie."
