Chapter 12

Ren made it a point to avoid me most of the day. She was very smooth about it too. I would try and gesture at her, or get close to her, and she'd always slip out in the knick of time in such a way that anyone else would assume she truly hadn't noticed me in my efforts. But I knew. I did manage to meet her eyes once and that brief moment confirmed for me her strong desire to stay as far away from me as possible.

But I wasn't going to let her off the hook that easy. I'd made that mistake already.

At lunch time the next day, I found her near the doorway of the crowded cafeteria, about to leave. She'd be going to the library to work on her senior project. She'd been doing so for months and considering how seriously she took school matters, I'd doubt she was done already. She hadn't told me what her project was ever, only that it would take a very long time if she wanted it to be any good. And Ren doesn't ever want things to just be any good, she needs them to be perfect. I also had the beneficial knowledge of exactly where in the library she liked to study, as it was one of the few places she'd ever allowed me to get close to her in school. In fact, it was there that we had our first kiss…

I ate lunch with her there, in the library, that day. We'd been together for about two weeks and this was the first time she'd given in to my constant pressuring her to let me eat with her. Honestly, eating lunch with someone is hardly putting up a red flag, I don't know why she was, and still is, so adamant about avoiding public appearances even platonic ones at al costs. Anyway, during this two weeks we'd had four 'dates'—I use this term loosely since I consider going out, generally in public, an important part of a date and ours were more just hanging out in my room, watching a movie. The same stuff I did with Louis and Twitty, as friends, I did with Ren. The only difference was I'd sit closer to Ren. Now, she usually gave me a little peck on the cheek or something before she left, but that was it. Our first real kiss was in the library that day.

I came in a little later than her, and sat across from her. She was noticeably nervous, constantly glancing around to see if anyone was coming, if anyone would see. It was a table in the very back of the library, in a rather secluded corner. Quite private and rarely used by anyone other than Ren; but of course at this moment, when I was sitting across the table, a good three and a half feet away, eating, a crowd would show up and they'd be able to tell, possibly from the way I was holding my sandwich, that we were in fact, more than just friend. I'm never going to understand the logic behind some of her fears.

But anyway, we were sitting across from each other and she was working on her project—scribbling something down in a notebook and refusing to let me see the contents. Quickly glancing around, out of respect for her fears, I made sure no one was around, then I got up and pulled a chair closer to her. "Come on, let me see."

"What? No, not now," She replied, flustered. "Go back to the other side."

"Why? No one's back here, Ren."

"You've been bugging me to let you come here all week, and now I let you, and you just have to push for more…"

Hmm…story of our relationship… very perceptive.

I argued. "Who's going to see us? Even if someone did, we're not doing anything remotely suggesting that we're…"

"Stop, Tawny, come on." She didn't seem too thrilled with me. But I, nevertheless, decided not to stop.

"What are you worried someone will hear me say something? Say it?"

"Tawny,"

"That maybe not friends… or not just friends…"

"Tawny please," she persisted.

"I'm whispering too, so who's going to hear me? I could talk louder…like this." I raised my voice to a tone loud enough that it could be heard possibly at the other end of the room if there weren't so many bookshelves blocking the sound.

"Tawny!" She snapped at me this time, in a harsh whisper.

I just laughed at her. She was freaking out, but she wasn't really angry with me. Otherwise I would've stopped. She knew I meant no harm and was just messing around, so, as much as it bugged her, she took it.

However, when I raised my voice just a little louder, with the intention of making a still pretty quiet announcement that Ren Stevens was my girlfriend, she cut me off…with a kiss.

I was running this memory of a more pleasant time through my mind as I entered the library and, covertly as possible, made my way to the back corner, where I assumed she would be.

I stopped a little short of the small open area where her table would be, and peered through the bookshelf before it to make sure she was there. She was.

Taking a deep breath, I stepped out from behind the shelf, meeting her slightly startled gaze head on.

She stared at me for a few seconds, and it seemed as though I couldn't move as long as she did, like she was holding me there with her eyes. But then she cast them down at the table's smooth surface, closing her notebook and setting it down in front of her.

I took the seat across from her and she simply kept her eyes fixed on the table.

Not quite sure where to start, I just thought I'd deliver what I hoped would be a little good news first. "I explained things to Louis… so we're… we're not together anymore."

I think I heard a faint grunt escape her, but for the most part she remained silent.

"I told him that I only said yes because everyone was watching and I didn't want to embarrass him."

Still nothing.

"I told him… and I told Steve, actually… that I… had a crush on you."

Now her head jerked up, her eyes suddenly ablaze with what could only be described as complete terror.

"Just me." I swiftly added. "I told them about me. Not you."

She sighed with relief.

I decided to give her a few moments to respond but she opted for silence still.

So I continued. "I talked with Ruby yesterday…"

I'd hoped this would prompt a response. It did not.

"She said you told her about…us."

Now she looked up again.

I waited for her to speak.

Her lips parted a little, and I thought maybe she'd finally say something. But I was wrong.

So finally I decided to play my wild card. I moved over to her side of the table and pulled up a chair real close to her. She didn't look too happy about it, but she didn't object either. "So, after the dance I saw you at that party…" I paused, giving her a moment to interject that she did not use. "I got pretty drunk." Pause again. "I slept with someone." Her eyes flickered. I continued: "I don't know how drunk she was, if at all."

She shifted uneasily in her seat and I figured that one of three things was possible: 1) She remembers that night full well, 2) She remembers that she also slept with someone and she now suspects it was me, or 3) She has no memory of that night at all (though how you could wake up in someone else's bed naked after a party and not at least consider you'd had sex is beyond me). I personally had a feeling it was the second.

"Ren, say something, please."

She hesitated for what seemed an eternity before finally speaking. "There's nothing to talk about."

Not the response I'd hoped for. "What do you mean?"

"You gave up on me, Tawny," She mumbled, almost inaudibly.

"What? No I…"

"You gave up on me and you're… the one person I needed not to do that. But you did. In a very big way."

"I don't understand."

"You never do," she said, rising from the table. "But that's never been particularly important to you either."

I couldn't speak, and I can't now even begin to describe the feeling twisting in my chest at that moment.

She gathered her things and started to walk a way.

"Wait," I managed, and she stopped but didn't look back at me. "Give me another chance, Ren. Please."

She didn't move, didn't speak.

"We're perfect and you know it," I struggled to get the words out of my mouth, the fear that she was really leaving me for good so strong now that I was having trouble keeping my tears from falling. "I will not give up on you again if you don't give up on us now."