A/N: Not much happens here, just moving the story along. A filler chapter, if you will.
Chapter 14
After she disappeared around the bookshelves, I couldn't find the strength to move—her words still sinking in. I knew then that we were over. I'd made my offer and she'd rejected it, and I could keep trying but somehow I sensed it would be fruitless. I wasn't destined to win her back. If we were ever to have another go at romance it wouldn't be either of our own doing. I'd played all my cards and Ren had played hers, Fate's was the only concealed hand.
Maybe it was something in her tone that resulted in my complete resignation. She didn't think we should get back together… she loved me…but she didn't want to be with me anymore. We were done. We'd had our shot, I'd screwed it up, and that was that.
Eventually I managed to move out of the library and finish the school day. Lifelessly going through the motions, I spoke to no one and kept to myself. I didn't understand how she could tell me she loved me but didn't want to be with me… though the more I thought about it, I had seemed ready to break things off earlier, when her stubbornness regarding her coming out couldn't be altered. And I had loved her then, as much as I did now.
That day, my personal Black Day, I came out to my parents. They were supportive, as I'd expected them to be. So far, Steve Stevens was the only person who hadn't been. And he was he one who really could've changed the course of everything. Funny how things that seem so insignificant, such as the solitary opinion of a man, can make all the difference in the world.
Louis confronted me a few days later, noticing my somber mood (he could be aware of others' feelings, it just usually took a few days for him to notice—persistence was necessary if you were to become important enough for him to take his mind off a personal problem and ask about it).
"Is anything wrong?" He asked, thoughtfully enough.
I shook my head, remembering what he'd said about if Ren actually came out and we hooked up…Part of me always anticipated telling Louis about Ren and I, as I'd never really thought about us ending, but now it seemed unnecessary knowledge for him. The relationship between Ren and I would remain confidential, as she'd always wanted, and others were informed of it strictly on a need-to-know basis.
One negation of the indescribable pain inside of me was all it took to get him off my back. Twitty was the same way. Tom was the only one who seemed convinced that something was up—he continued to ask me if everything was ok nearly everyday for two weeks before giving up.
Amy found out what had happened, probably from Ruby—both of them gossip-mongers.
"Hey, Tawny," she approached me one day, nearly three weeks after my Black Day. "I heard about you and Ren."
I remained silent, not feeling the need to confirm.
"I can imagine how much you must be hurting… she's probably not doing too good either…" she began explaining her own "first true love" and its tragic demise.
I did not want to hear this right now; she probably figured that I'd had three weeks to really take it in and be in that place where I wasn't ready to talk with anyone, blah blah blah… but she apparently thought I was ready now and I wasn't. Truthfully, I didn't feel like I'd ever be. I didn't see what good would come from discussing it with anyone else—I know that sounds strange coming from the daughter of two psychiatrists, but it's how I feel. There are some things you can't really talk about, some things other people won't really understand or at least won't be able to help in anyway. Saying all of it out loud would only force me to relive it and I couldn't do that.
When I finally tuned back into Amy's monologue, she's shifted the focus from herself to me. Apparently, she wanted me to participate in a double-date.
"So anyway, I think it would be really good for you to come. Stacy is a sweet girl, very smart, and she's liked you for a long time. But she knows the situation, with you and Ren I mean, so there's really no pressure, she doesn't mind being a rebound girl. She doesn't think it matters. It would just be a good way to get out and have some fun, you know? You could really use it."
"Stacy Morris?"
"Yeah."
I thought a moment. Stacy Morris was a pretty girl, blonde hair, slightly curled, with soft gray eyes. Blondes aren't at all my 'type' but she'd always managed to catch my eye. I hadn't talked with her much but if Amy said she was smart, she must be… Amy actually has a pretty high bar as far as intelligence was concerned. She wouldn't hesitate to tell you if someone was just average or a complete idiot.
I took a deep breath. "Why not?"
It couldn't hurt to try and Amy was probably right, it would be good for me. Ren wasn't an option anymore so I had to pursue a new path no matter how much I might not want to; it had to be done. Stacy seemed just a good a place as any to start the healing process.
The date went very well, though I had a hard time not thinking of Ren. Everytime Stacy took my hand, or touched me at all, I felt like… I don't know, like I was cheating or something. In my heart I was cheating Ren, but in my mind I was cheating Stacy—a girl who liked me, who probably put a lot of thought and energy into this evening, who I felt nothing for, who I knew I felt nothing for, who I'd lead on to think I was really giving her a chance.
She asked me out again for Valentine's Day, which was only a week away at this point. I agreed to go. She had asked in front of Amy, and the latter's prodding gaze had forced me to say yes. She only wanted to help and I appreciated it, even if I didn't really think it was working.
I could understand how in theory this was a necessary 'step' to getting over Ren, but I didn't understand how it was working. Stacy was pretty, but not like Ren. She was smart, but not like Ren. She was interesting, but not like Ren. Ren was perfect in my eyes. Perfection is not easily achieved but Ren had done it. At least for me she had. But that goes with that saying: No one is perfect until you love them.
The only thing wrong with Stacy was that she wasn't Ren.
