Chapter 2: Stairway to Heaven (WARNING: Unsafe. Closed for Renovation)

Story so far: Link, Malon, Saria, Ganondorf, Darunia, and (last and least) Ruto and Zelda, are off on a trip to a theme park when they run into someone who forever gay-ens their lives. Drake, a peculiar (to put it lightly) teenager from the future is a gaming-geek particularly obsessed with the classic Zelda 64 game, Ocarina of Time, and instantly recognizes the whole group, much to their eventual dismay. With no delay, all hell breaks loose in the form of inter-dimensional portals, giant eating utensils, rental-car breakdowns, butt-raping hobos, and worst of all…Dora the Explorer. (To read of these terrible tales, check out my friend's corresponding fic. His author name would be: Ninjaquail) Their most recent fiasco begins with a dive into Cleveland, Ohio-World, a dive soon discovered to be twenty thousand feet high and lacking in any significant body of water. In the words of manure-farmers everywhere, "Oh, Shit."


Right from the start, Drake's keen intuition and sharp intellect told him something was wrong. Drake, of course, turned right around and told his keen intuition and sharp intellect to shut up because he was busy having a hellavuh time and he knew how the two liked to get in the way of that. For one thing, he was getting hit by an extremely strong breeze, the several-miles-per-hour kind. He also was undergoing the peculiar sensation that his innards had finally gotten fed up with their lot, packed up their bags, and were now a mile off behind him, a sensation distinctly associated with rapid vertical descent, otherwise known as –

"FALLING!" Drake bellowed at the top of his lungs. "WE'RE FALLING!"

Link, who had entered the portal a few moments before Drake and was now a distance below him, glanced up, eyes red with loathing.

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!" He bellowed back, desperately trying to conquer the roar of the air rushing past them as they plummeted from twenty thousand feet above the span of Cleveland, which Drake had surmised was probably where the portal had opened up.

Dangerous things, portals were, what with the lack of warning labels and all. They could open up anywhere. That's why had Drake had taken the liberty of posting "Attention! Do not feed the Flamingoes", "Caution! Do not enter if you have the ability to see, hear, touch, taste or smell things", and "Warning! The yellow ones aren't edible" in front of three of the more hazardous galactic gateways, as a heads up for some of the uninformed inter-dimensional tourists that liked to wander universes for exotic postcards. This, however, he hadn't expected.

"DAMMIT, DRAKE! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON YOU SON OF BITCH!" Link continued to holler.

"I JUST TOLD YOU! WE'RE FALLING, STUPID!" Drake explained. He smiled, seeing the rest of his companions arrayed in a sort of staircase spiral in the air beneath him, their different-colored outfits making them look like skittles. The farthest down was Ganondorf, who been the first to "jump" and was a couple of hundred feet below looking like a flailing ant.

Before the "dive," Drake had been brave enough and honorable enough to take on the position of rear guard, which involved sending everyone else before him into potential danger in a very brave and honorable way while he bravely and honorably stood guard on the side of the portal that everyone already knew was safe and waited to see whether any of them survived when they came out on the other end. Unfortunately, his despicable shoe-laces had turned against him, and he had found himself plummeting in shortly giving Link's back a good shove.

Drake supposed that he should've been thinking of a way out of what was almost certainly impending doom for Link and everyone else, but he remembered that the last time he had tried thinking, really thinking, he had ended up naked, bruised, and hanging upside down from a flaming clothesline over a pit of rabid, flesh-eating, platypuses while ululating aborigines pelted him with orange golf balls (don't even ask). Thus, he figured the best thing to do would be to wait around and see what Fate had in store for them. He couldn't have known that Fate was having its nails done and wasn't going anywhere.

Link, too, was not feeling the slightest fear about smashing against the ground at several miles per hour. This was not, however, because he was under any misapprehensions about Fate, or because he found the sensation of his face being stretched like a condom, to be pleasant. He was busy focusing every fiber of his being on being angry at Drake. His fear, sensing this in him, grew very afraid, and timidly backed away to avoid angering his anger even further.

"DRAAAAAAAAAKE! DRAAAAAAAAAAKE, DAMMIT!" He bellowed. Drake spared him a brief downward glance, which was all the opportunity that Link needed to holler, "YOU'RE A FUCKING DICK!" Through the horrendous din, it ended up reaching Drake as "BORE A CLUCKING DUCK!" which had a completely different effect than the one intended. Now Drake was busy thinking about giving Algebra lessons to hybrid poultry, and was an even farther cry from helping anyone.

Link, infuriated to no end, looked back to see Malon flailing below him, with Saria a little further beyond. Second to last, before Ganondorf, was the round M&M like form of Darunia. He wanted to drop down to them, but he had noticed that they had adopted the annoying habit of falling at the same rate as he was, probably due to that pesky Newton's law. For a moment it seemed that physics stood in his way like a metaphorical brick wall. Link, on the other end, who was (had I mentioned?) extremely pissed off, told Newton's law to go fuck itself. With that, his descent began to speed up until he found himself level with Malon, upon which he reached a conclusion that made Einstein's general theory spin in its grave: the laws of the universe were relative to your pissed-off factor.


At that moment Malon's consciousness was prancing about in a very happy place. Perhaps it had something to do with the rush of air that was bullying her eyes into the backs of their sockets, perhaps not. All she knew was that, where she was, there wasn't any wide stretch of ground rushing at her like the hand of a well-aimed slap. There weren't any immediate, life-threatening perils to deal with. There weren't any inter-dimensional portals, sitar-virtuosos, or ugly canaries. And most importantly, there wasn't any Drake. At least, no form of him that wasn't struggling frantically as it was suspended precariously over a vat of ravenous, flesh-eating, platypuses.

No…she was safe and warm in the cozy livingroom of her ranch-house all the way back in Hyrule, a cup of steaming coffee in her hand. There was the familiar leather sofa pleasantly worn with use, the sound of her large father snoring nearby, and the vague smell of horse manure (though perhaps that was not the most pleasant part of the hallucination) wafting freely through the open window. Out that window she could see the fences of the ranch's corral, horses grazing lazily, the figure of Drake suspended precariously over a vat of ravenous, flesh-eating, platypuses. Everything was…perfect.

Which was why the sudden, violent slap she received from Link was not at all welcome.

"What do you want!" She snapped at him.

Link stared at her. He had been quite alarmed at the inebriated look that met his gaze as he finally leveled off with her. When she hadn't responded to his screams, which were difficult enough to hear over the noise of the harrowing air flow around him, he had grabbed her andslapped her sharply. The look she had given him then made him briefly consider slapping her againunder the guise of makingsure she wasn't still hallucinating.

"What do I WANT!" He shouted back. "MAYBE I WANT YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

She seemed puzzled for an instant, as if seeing their situation for the first time, glancing left, then right, and finally…down. The ground had never looked so uninviting. She clutched frantically at Link's tunic and began screaming.

"OH MY GOD! LINK! WE'RE FALLING!" She observed loudly.

"REALLY? I HADN'T NOTICED! WHEN I SAID, 'WE'RE GOING TO DIE,' I WAS MAKING A PHILOSPHICAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE FRAILTY OF LIFE! IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS SITUATION!" The fact that he managed to make his voice drip with sarcasm the way bee hives dripped with honey, while still bellowing loud enough to regurgitate his lungs, was something of which he was especially proud.

However, Link'scaustic remark went unnoticed. Malon continued hysterically.

"SOMEONE DO SOMETHING! HOW THE HELL…--" There was a pause…then, "DRAKE!" Her head shot upward. "YOU STUPID FUCK! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! I'M! GOING! TO! KILL! YOU!"

"MALON!" Link hollered.

"WHAT!" She barked back, annoyed at being interrupted.

"HE CAN'T HEAR YOU! THERE'S NO POINT! FUCKER'S TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT DUCKS! BESIDES, YOU'D HAVE ABOUT TWO MINUTES TO FUFILL YOUR DEATH THREAT BEFORE THE GROUND DID IT FOR YOU, SO WHY BOTHER? JUST FOLLOW ME!"

He seized several times at her dress, which was flapping wildly about her, and dragged her closer, before gripping her hand firmly. He then began to speed up his descent again, until he leveled off with Saria, whom he added to his human chain. Within a few moments, Darunia, and finally Ganondorf were recovered. Their combined fury for Drake at the moment (after Ganondorf, he had shoved them all in, one by one, before they had known what was happening) was a force so impressive that the laws of physics had long since scampered off with their tails between their asses and were now hiding behind a theoretical wall until everyone calmed down.

"WHAT'RE WE GOING TO DO!" Darunia didn't have quite as much trouble being heard as everyone else. But his extensive facial hair was an entirely different matter. He could barely speak without the rushing air force-feeding him his own beard. "I'D SAY WE HAVE – PTH! – FIFTEEN SECONDS BEFORE WE – PLAH! – SPLAT AGAINST THE – PBBT! – GROUND AND END UP LOOKING LIKE A 6-LAYER LASAGNE – PUH! – WITH TWELVE VARIETIES OF – PAGH! – MELTED CHEESE AND FRESH TOMATO SAUCE!"

The capacity for hunger in the hefty Goron never failed to amaze Link. Even when the man was falling to his doom while munching on his own mustache, he was hungry.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO! WE'RE GOING TO NOT DIE!" He stated with such determination that had the pompous law of gravity so much as raised a measly protest, Link would've ensured that it never dropped apples on geniuses again.

"IS THAT STATEMENT GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT?" Questioned Ganondorf in a timid shout (difficult to do).

Words cannot describe the intensity of the look that crossed Link's face.

"I TAKE IT BACK! WE'RE GOING TO NOT DIE! WE'RE GOING TO LAND UNHARMED ON OUR FEET, BRUSH OURSELVES OFF, TAKE A STROLL OVER TO THAT McDONALDS DOWN THERE AND DEVOUR SEVENTEEN CHEESEBURGERS EACH, AND GANON OVER HERE IS GOING TO EAT MAJOR SHIT FOR THE SAKE OF SYNTAX ACCURACY."

As if in answer to his remark, the ground finally reminded them all that it was still there, and with blinding suddenness, rushed to close the last 50 feet between the seven hapless Hylians and their dooms. At this point conversation was abandoned in favor of terrified screams.

Amazingly, one instant before Death's metaphorical guillotine (scythe, whatever) would've severed their souls from their bodies, before the flyswatter of Fate would've squashed them into so much organic goo, the ground unexpectedly froze inches from the ends of each person's nose. They all lay facing towards, and floating above, the dull gray of a concrete plaza, still screaming in terror.

Link was the exception, and with a grit of his teeth, his rage-power had the whole gang floating upright to touch down noiselessly on the ground. Nearby, bewildered pedestrians gawked like…well…like they had just seen two Hylians, a Kokiri, a Gerudo, and a Goron, fall from the sky, freeze inches above the ground, and then float noiselessly to their feet.

"There." He stated matter-of-factly. "Did I tell you, or what?"

The others had lapsed into shocked silence and did not reply at first.

"So, whose ready for McDonalds?" asked Link with an utterly incongruous nonchalance that even Drake would've envied.

Of course, only Saria was thinking of their remaining companion at that point.

"What about…Drake?" She whispered. There was some collective shrugging on the part of Malon, Darunia and Ganondorf.

"Screw him," Link replied, just as his ears caught the sound of a screaming moron smacking heavily and wetly against the asphalt, "He can pay for his own damn burgers."


Er...I'm not sure what you'd think of that (and if you aren't either, then my work is done). Its been forever since I wrote anything for this. I guess I just felt like picking it up again. It still has yet to go somewhere. Its supposed to have to do with music, but the closest I've come to that is mentioning an Hindu pop icon. I'd tell you its going to get better, but I've been taught that lying is wrong. Remember, flamers are always welcome (they keep me warm during the winter). Positive feedback is also appreciated, though not necessary. And blue is a color. Just so you know. And as for which came first, the chicken or the egg, I'm not sure, but I heard their bed creaking behind a locked door and when it finally stopped, one of them was like: "I guess we answered that question." I couldn't tell which it was, though.