Adira did not like not knowing what was going on. She liked to have inner-knowledge, and skills, and anything else useful that she could get access to. It was why she had first wanted to join the Brotherhood. The Dark Kingdom was a place of shadows and mystery. The only people in the kingdom who knew what was going on were the royals, their direct advisors, and the knights of the Brotherhood.

Since she wasn't really interested in trying to marry the prince, and everybody knew that Quirin was going to be Edmund's second, she knew that the Brotherhood was her best bet. Besides, one of her favorite things to do was to prove people wrong when they underestimated her, and most people underestimate the female knights.

Adira hadn't really been there to make friends. She treated her peers with civility, as much as she thought they deserved, anyway, but didn't do more or less than that. Until, that is, Quirin came to her with small, hurt, feral Hector in his arms.

She hadn't meant to get attached, either to Hector or to Quirin, but she couldn't help it. She was intrigued by the younger teenager, and just as protective of him as Quirin was. Which was why Adira hated that she couldn't help Hector, or even be allowed to try half the time.

Quirin had brought Hector here, and Adira didn't even know for sure what his situation had been like before. She'd heard rumors, of course, but she didn't give much merit to them. They ranged anywhere from him being an orphan who was living on the streets, to him being the pet of a crazy wizard who had given him human form. There had even been rumors spreading that Hector was actually a spirit, either of a poor child who had died in a tragic accident, or someone sent by the moon herself.

Some stories were clearly more ridiculous than others, but Adira didn't listen to any of them. She took Hector's word for it, and nobody else's. Not even Quirin's. And all Hector had said was that his dad had hurt him, and hadn't given him a proper name. That could mean a lot of things, and if he didn't want to talk about it then it was none of Adira's business.

Quirin knew more than Adira did, so it made sense that he helped Hector more with whatever trauma he was dealing with from the past.

But then that mess with Mikhail had happened, and once again Adira could only offer generic support, because she didn't know exactly what had happened. Edmund was the one who was able to step up and help Hector this time, because he knew what was wrong.

Adira should have been able to help Hector more when he panicked and attacked Kara, but she'd been useless. Edmund had been the one to speak on Hector's behalf, and Quirin had been the one to calm him. Adira hadn't been able to do anything to truly help him. She tried, but it wasn't enough.

Hector had so many issues thrown onto his shoulders, and Adira knew that Quirin and Edmund could only do so much to help. Even if she had yet to be enough to really help Hector, there had to be something she could do one of these days. So when Quirin went into Hector's room, trying to drag him out because he spent far too long in his room, and she'd heard him asking the younger boy some concerning questions, she got worried.

Adira had been down the hall when Quirin first went to see Hector, but she'd heard him say something about blood, and it was clear how concerned he was. Adira had hurried to try to help, only for Quirin to yell at her and lock her out.

She let her annoyance at Quirin overcome her concern for Hector, because if she let herself think about what could possibly make her friend, who had been in good temperament just moments ago, frustrated or worried enough that he would take it out on her, then she would panic so much that she would be unable to function at all.

Something was wrong with Hector, but that was nothing new. How bad did it have to be for Quirin to react like this?

Adira pushed that concern to the back of her mind and leaned into her frustration instead. Quirin wasn't being fair. He wasn't the only one who was worried about Hector. How dare he push her out like this?

She wanted to break down the door and demand answers, but Hector was clearly upset already. Loud noises and shouting would just upset him more, and as irritated as she was with Quirin she wasn't going to take it out on Hector. So she waited. A few minutes later Quirin came out just to demand that she get the doctor. He didn't even tell her why. He just locked her out and sent her on her way while he took care of Hector.

Adira did as she was told, just because she wasn't going to make Hector suffer if he really needed the doctor. She thought about going back to waiting outside of Hector's room, but she didn't want to be yelled at by Quirin again. Instead she went to Edmund's room. If Quirin wouldn't listen to her, maybe he'd listen to their prince.

Edmund didn't have as much sympathy for Adira as she would have wanted. He just seemed to think that Quirin knew Hector's needs best and they needed to give them time and space. It was infuriating, because Adira knew that he was right. She exclaimed her frustrations about not being able to help Hector when he needed it. Edmund just gave her a sad look.

"Hector trusts all of us, just in different ways and for different reasons." Edmund said quietly. "The only reason he has any trust for me is because he thinks I saved him."

Adira frowned. "From Mikhail?" Edmund sighed and nodded. "I thought you did save him." She didn't know what had happened with Mikhail, but she knew that the prince had been there, and Hector hadn't seemed physically harmed too badly. Adira had assumed that something terrible had been about to happen, but Edmund had stepped in just in time. Was that not the case?

Edmund shook his head. "I helped, and did what I could, but I was too late to truly save him." He sounded more pained than Adira had ever heard him being.

"What happened?" Adira asked. Edmund shook his head.

"He didn't want people to know." Edmund said. "It's his right to privacy." He didn't really sound like he believed that, but he'd clearly made up his mind, and if this was really what Hector wanted then maybe they needed to go for it. Hector very rarely voiced his desires. This was probably good for him.

Adira rubbed her arms. "What do you think is wrong with Hector this time?"

Edmund grimaced. "I don't know." He looked out the window. "I keep on thinking that Hector's troubles are over. He's been through enough. Surely the moon will at least bless him with some time to get over what he's already experienced."

"And then we're proven wrong." Adira huffed. She had never had as much faith in the moon as Edmund did. The way that she saw it, their fates were in their own hands, but Hector was starting to change her mind about that. He hadn't chosen any of this, and no matter how hard any of them tried to change or overcome things it seemed like they were just going two steps forward and five steps back.

Adira chuckled humorlessly to herself. "You know, sometimes I wonder if Hector would be better off somewhere else." Clearly none of them knew what they were doing. Edmund began to nod his agreement, and then the door was slammed open. Quirin stormed inside. He looked exhausted, terrified, and furious. He glared at Adira.

"What did you just say?" Quirin growled. Adira blinked, thrown off by his anger. She hesitated to answer, which angered Quirin. He let out an angry shout and pushed her harshly against the wall, making her hit her head. "I swear, if you've ever said something like that to him, or made him feel like he doesn't belong here, I'll…I'll…" The fire in Quirin's eyes fell away, leaving him looking completely devastated.

"Quirin," Edmund touched his arm and gently pulled him back. Quirin made a pained sound that was just shy of being a sob. He let go of Adira and leaned back against Edmund. Adira's chest tightened and she wrapped her arms around herself to try to get rid of the tingling feeling on her skin. She hated unexpected touches, and Quirin's anger did nothing to help her feel less uneasy about it.

"I-I'm sorry." Quirin said in a shaky voice. Adira couldn't bring herself to be mad at him. Now that she could see for herself how unsettled Quirin was, she couldn't push down her concern anymore.

"What's wrong with Hector?" Adira asked.

Quirin was quiet for a long moment, as he was trying to find his words. Finally, he spoke. "He…he hurt himself."

Adira shuddered. "He what?" She said breathlessly.

"He dug his earring into his palm." Quirin said numbly. Adira felt like she was going to be sick. She'd made that earring for Hector. She thought it would help him. This was not the kind of help that she had in mind.

"Why-?" Edmund's question trailed off. He didn't need to finish it.

"Hector's been feeling numb for a while now." Quirin said. "I didn't even notice. He hurt himself in desperation to feel anything."

Adira didn't really understand that. She could see the hurt in Hector's eyes every time she saw him. How could somebody be both numb and hurt? Except, that sounded a little familiar. Shock. Maybe it wasn't the exact same thing, because Adira knew that there were physical symptoms to shock that Hector just weren't showing, but maybe it was the same basic idea.

Adira had been told growing up that shock was the body's way of struggling to accept something that it really didn't like. Maybe Hector's numbness was because his mind was trying to accept something that it didn't like.

Considering everything that Hector had been through, Adira wouldn't be surprised if there were a few things that he didn't want to accept. She wouldn't want to accept any of it herself.

"I don't know what to do for him anymore." Quirin said in a hushed tone. "The doctor's giving him stitches now. I feel bad for leaving his side, because I said I'd be there, but I…I couldn't do it."

"You put too much pressure on yourself." Edmund said. "You don't have to do any of this alone." He gave Quirin's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "We can see Hector together. You can be there for him, and I'll be right there for you."

Adira frowned. She didn't think that Hector would appreciate feeling crowded. Besides, he needed help right now, and even if Adira didn't know if she could help him, she had to at least try. She couldn't give up on Hector.

"You guys have fun with that." Adira rolled her arms back. "I have something else I need to do." She started to leave the room, ignoring Quirin's concerned looks and the way that he started to reach out for her.

"Adira, about what I said earlier-" Quirin began.

"This isn't about you." Adira said plainly, because it really wasn't. She could talk to Quirin about the way he had stepped out of line, but that could wait until later. Right now Hector needed her more, and she needed to at least try to do something to help him.

"I'll join you guys later." Adira said. She made her way to the royal libraries, grabbing a few books about the mind, trauma, shock, and why somebody might hurt themselves. She brought them down into her bedroom and sat on the floor, surrounded by her books.

Adira didn't like studying. It was difficult to focus, and she didn't think it would be easier now that she was already upset . She would like to meditate, but she needed to get this information for Hector.

She decided to compromise, switching between reading for a bit, and meditating for a few minutes about what she'd just read. It wasn't a fast process, but at least she was making progress at all.

The writing was confusing, and she didn't know if she believed all of it, or thought that it related to what Hector was going through, but she was getting just a few ideas.

A few hours later Adira was tired, but ready to see her friends. She stood up and stretched, leaving her books behind her. She made her way back upstairs and into Hector's room. Edmund and Quirin were sleeping on side chairs, looking completely drained. Hector was curled up on his bed, wide awake, but with distant eyes.

"How's your hand?" Adira asked. She sat at the edge of Hector's bed.

Hector's fingers twitched. It looked like he was trying to close his hand into a fist, but the extensive bandages, and maybe some lingering medicines, made it difficult. "It's fine." He muttered. "Sorry for using the earring."

"I'm not bad at you for it." Adira said honestly. "Can I talk to you for a bit?" Hector shrugged. It was a good enough answer for her. "You know, sometimes my head feels like it's so full of all of the bad stuff that it feels like there's not even any more room to let the good in."

Hector frowned. "Bad stuff?" She didn't like to talk about it, but Hector looked intrigued and desperate, like he just wanted somebody who he felt could actually understand and relate to what he was feeling. Adira knew that when she was younger, she'd wanted nothing more than to have somebody to rely on. Maybe she could be that for Hector.

Adira rubbed a hand harshly across the cheek that she always kept covered up with red paint. She couldn't get rid of all of it with one nudge, but she got enough of it to show that there was something underneath. "I was born with a birthmark on my face that scared people. They thought that it was a bad omen, or a sign of a curse."

Hector brought a hand up to his own face, near his eyes. He could probably relate, at least to this much. Adira continued. "I was also teased and feared for my white hair. I heard people talk about me behind my back constantly." It was why she didn't pay any attention to the rumors about Hector. "There were actually people who thought that I was a spirit claiming physical form."

Hector's eyes widened. "How do you know you're not? How can you tell? Is it just something you know?" He sounded genuine and nervous, like he really wasn't sure if he was human or not.

"Well, if I was a fairy or spirit I think that I would be able to use magical powers." Adira said. Hector didn't laugh, but he cracked a small smile. "Really though, I know I'm human because I feel like one." Adira laid a hand against her chest. "I breathe like a human, and like you. We move the same way." She held up her hand, and Hector mirrored her motion, looking curious. "I eat when I'm hungry. I sleep when I'm tired. I long for a connection with others that understand me."

"But I thought that spirits and fae were a lot like humans." Hector pointed out. "How do you know we're not one of them, and we just don't know it?"

Adira hummed to herself. "Well, even if you were a fae, does it matter? You look human now, and want to be one, right?" Hector nodded. "So why shouldn't you be? We've said that family is who you want it to be, not necessarily where you came from. Is that any less true if you have the blood of fae instead of the blood of your father?"

Hector was quiet for a long moment. "I guess not." He muttered, though he still sounded confused.

"Why do you think you're a fairy?" Adira asked.

Hector stared intently at his bed. "Because I'm not normal. I'm not like everybody else."

Adira scowled. "There's no such thing as normal. I'm different from Quirin, and he's different from Edmund, who is different from his own father. Nobody's the same, even when they're family."

"But everybody else makes sense." Hector insisted. "I don't."

"Of course you don't." Adira gave Hector a bewildered look. "A big part of who we are is because of where we're from and how we were raised. Edmund is confident and maybe a little arrogant sometimes, because he grew up being told that he was going to lead the kingdom someday. I've been underestimated by people my whole life, and I taught myself how to stop caring about what other people think of me, or else I'd be caught up in doubt. If I hadn't done that, I don't think I would have been able to take the training for the Brotherhood."

Adira leaned closer to Hector. "Our past makes us who we are, and what we do today helps to change us into who we're going to be tomorrow."

"What if I don't like who I am tomorrow?" Hector asked.

Adira shrugged. "You can make new choices that may make you into another person the next day. We never stop growing and changing. That's part of being human."

Hector looked at his hands. "I've changed a lot." He clenched his fists. "What if I change into someone mean, and you and Quirin don't like who I am anymore and don't want to be my friends?"

"You'd have to change quite a bit for that to happen." Adira said. It wasn't the kind of thing she usually thought about, because she didn't see the point. Why should she let the stress of what could go wrong stop her from enjoying things in the present? But just because she didn't worry about it didn't mean that other people didn't.

Adira sighed as she tried to figure out what she could say. She wasn't good at this emotional comfort thing, but Quirin really wasn't good at this either. They were all out of their depth.

"Maybe there will be some things that I don't like about you, but that won't stop me from being your friend." Adira said. "Part of being family is to be willing to see flaws, and love and help people anyway. If I think you're really gone too far, I'll try to knock some sense into you, okay?"

Hector gave her a small smile. He really shouldn't be comforted at the promise of physical violence. He must be more worried about who he might end up being than he was about being hurt.

"Thinking about the future is something that needs to happen sooner or later." Adira said slowly. "But that doesn't mean it has to happen today. If you can't think about who you'll grow up to be, then don't think about it. Just focus on today. Right here, right now."

Hector blinked. "I did that with Dad." Adira grimaced, but he didn't seem scared of doing things the way he used to do them. He was just making an observation. If anything, Hector looked a little relieved to have a little familiarity. It was in his instincts to do this kind of thing. Maybe letting him lean into his instincts was what he needed right now.

Hector wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I feel like I should feel something, and I don't, and that makes the not feeling stuff worse. And then I start to wonder if the numb will ever go away, and I feel like I'm trapped in my own head." That sounded like anxiety to Adira, and she knew how to cope with that.

"I want you to try something with me." Adira pushed herself off the bed and sat on the floor. Hector looked at her curiously, and when she gestured for him to join her he crawled off of the bed.

"You've seen me meditate, right?" Adira asked. Hector nodded. "It can help to ease your mind. Just take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Feel your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your fingers and toes." She didn't really know how to explain meditation. It was just something that came as second nature to her now.

Hector's face grew tense for a moment before it relaxed. "I know how to feel my body. I know what everything feels like when it's hurt, and I can feel it when it doesn't hurt." At least that was something.

"Then just think about your body. Be aware of how you physically feel, and let your mind focus only on that. Try not to let your mind stray back to what you were feeling before, but if it does stray then don't beat yourself up about that. Just take some deep breaths and go back to thinking of how you physically feel."

Hector didn't close his eyes. He just stared blankly ahead. He didn't look uneasy or stressed. He was just letting himself be. No expectations. No pain. Just this moment. Nothing else mattered.

Adira usually meditated for a long time, but she thought that after a few minutes it was enough for Hector. They could always do more later. She just didn't want to overwhelm him by asking him to do too much too soon.

"I've been doing some reading." Adira said. "I don't know what it's like to feel numb, but I know it'll probably need more than to just tell you to do things that you like." If it was as easy as that, Hector would have already done it.

"If we can't figure out how to make your mind happy, maybe we can make your body happy." Adira said. "Quirin said you hurt yourself because you were desperate to feel something. Maybe we can find some physical sensations that are good instead of bad. Like eating a good meal, or taking a long bath."

Hector rubbed his unhurt hand across the fur of his cloak. "I like soft fur."

"There you go." Adira smiled. "I don't know if any of this will work, but can we just try?"

"Okay." Hector said. He didn't sound very confident, but there was hope in his voice. He was willing to try anything. Adira would just have to keep an eye on him to make sure that he didn't do anything to hurt himself again.

"I like to meditate first thing in the morning." Adira said. "I usually do it in my room, or outside. What if I come do it up here in your room? You can join me if you want, but if you don't feel up to it that's fine too."

Hector tilted his head. "Getting out of bed is hard. Can I do it in bed?"

"I don't see why not." Adira said. Hector brightened. The hope was now shining in his eyes, and though it was dim, it was better than nothing.

"It's getting late." Adira said. She stood up and held a hand out to Hector to pull him to his feet. We can get some sleep, and then meditate tomorrow, go for a morning job around the castle, and raid the kitchen for some pastries."

Hector giggled ever so slightly, and it was music to Adira's ears. "Okay." Hector said. He stepped closer to her and leaned against her. Adira had to keep herself from shuddering. She didn't like physical touch, but Hector did, and after what had happened today she thought that he needed the touch a lot more than she wanted to avoid it.

"Thank you." Hector muttered.

"I'm not giving up on you." Adira said quietly. "None of us are." When Hector pulled away, only to drag her back towards his bed, she let him. She could let him curl up against her to sleep. She could make it so that there were some blanket layers between them. She didn't like the pressure nearly as much as Hector did, but she hated it much less if it wasn't skin-on-skin.

Hector curled up on the bed, with all of his blankets surrounding him. Adira laid down next to him, giving him the reminder that he wasn't alone.

Hector's body eased right away. He sighed contently and nuzzled against his covers. Adira took a deep breath to relax herself.

Today had not been good for any of them, and that was okay. Bad days happen sometimes. Adira just needed to do her best to try to make tomorrow better. That was the best that any of them could do.