CHAPTER FIFTEEN
         yin and yang

"She'd never choose* you*, Corinthos. Never."

 
        
Jax's words echoed in his mind, as they had all through the long hours of the remainder of the night. Sonny got up from the couch and paced the floor of his penthouse living room for the umpteenth time. The club had closed hours ago and there'd been no sign of Alexis since Carly had insinuated herself in the glassed in dining room

 Alexis wasn't home. He knew. He knew from the self satisfied smirk on Jax's face that Alexis had fled the club. And even as he knocked on the door of her penthouse, he knew she wasn't there. He could feel it; it was an emptiness in the air that told him so. But he'd knocked anyway. He'd sent the guard on his door down to the lobby, and even though  the report from the lobby had been that Alexis hadn't been seen since she'd left for the club with her sister, he found himself going to the door. Once or twice, he'd even gone so far as to open the door, as if staring at the door across the hall would somehow will Alexis into appearing.  

Where was she? Who was she with? Who had she turned to, since it obviously wasn't him? His mind envisioned one scenario after the other and none of them were good. Jax was the obvious conclusion. He'd been her husband. And something in Sonny was forced to admit to his belief that marriage was a thing that was sacred. Even if it were between friends. It meant that Jax and Alexis shared a connection….and Jax had been a friend and confidant of Alexis' long before he, Sonny, had ever had the good luck to become involved in her life. What if she allowed himself to be a confidant again. What if she had turned to him in her pain… he refused to allow his mind to even finish the thought. Even so, his mind threatened to spiral downward towards a dark mood. Jax had to know Alexis better than he, Sonny, did….or did he? It was a question that Sonny couldn't answer. That was not something Sonny was used to. The downward pull strengthened and his mind darkened…he never knew how to fight this great sucking wound that would threaten to suck him in a moment's notice.  It frayed the edges of his soul – not that Sonny would ever admit that aloud.

         ***

Another soul close by was feeling just as frayed as his, if only he'd known it. Alexis stepped into the elevator and punched at the buttons, grateful for the closeness and silence of the elevator as the polished chrome doors slid shut with a sibilant hiss. All she wanted right now, was her own bed. And sleep – dreamless, restful sleep.

         Slipping on a fresh shirt and running pants  from his closet– her own was the worse for wear -  with dawn only less than an hour away, Alexis paused after fastening the last button on her borrowed shirt, to look down at the man still sleeping. Jax had come home, still high on the success of opening night. She'd let his own enthusiasm carry her along. After all, she'd had enough time alone on the yacht to face her own heartache and jumbled thoughts. Too much in fact. Once Jax's maitre'd had left her, she'd stripped the gown from her body and changed into a set of clothes she'd always kept on the yacht. She couldn't strip her mind of thought so easily…Her mind had only managed to go round and round in circles and she didn't like where it kept returning. So it was easy enough to join Jax In one toast, and then another and another… the man who had held her in his arms without asking any questions, without judging her. He had just been there for her and that had been enough. The last remnants of a bottle of a rare vintage of a French burgundy wine sat on a nearby table, with less than an inch remaining in it. That explained the throbbing at her temples and the red stain on her silk blouse, but not the throbbing ache in her heart. There wasn't enough wine in the world to erase it.
        
        
Alexis stepped off the elevator gratefully, key already in hand. She slipped it into the lock and turned the key.  It didn't turn. Alexis sighed aloud. It was stuck again.

"Need some help with that?"

         Alexis turned and looked at him. Sonny, still dressed in the clothes from the night before, was looking as rumpled and wrinkled as she felt. His normally well controlled hair had slipped loose of his control sometime during the night; a few errant curls had slipped down across his brow. He looked as though he had gotten as little sleep as she had.  The small smile on his face looked almost forced,  threatening to slip away even as it was formed… and was that a new sadness in his eyes?

Before she could answer, Sonny was crossing the hallway to her. His hand slid over hers as he reached for the key, his fingers warm and strong as they curled around her own. She had to control her instinctive reaction as her heart leapt at his touch. But she couldn't let that matter to her like that. She was just too tired of everything.

Alexis walked into the apartment. Everything was still and quiet in the pre-dawn silence. A glance at her desk showed her answering machine's memo button blinked like a tiny red beacon. Not trusting herself to look at Sonny, she crossed over to it, tossing her bag and the shirt down beside it before hitting the play button. She hit the play button and Kristina's voice began to talk.

"Hi Alexis, it's me, Kristina… but I guess you know that already. Anyway, I couldn't find you in the club, but it was such a madhouse, I figured this would be the best way to keep you from worrying. Ned and I have decided to jet down to New York City to catch this really cool band playing in a little after-hours joint in lower Manhattan. We've got a clue that they just might be the next big thing, and if we can get them for L&B Records, I'll be back in the morning.. I promise. Don't be mad, I'll bring you back some NY bagels and the Jamaican beef patties that you're crazy about but won't tell anyone about. Don't worry, I'll tell Ned they're for me." She laughed a goodbye and the machine beeped to signal the end of the message. 

            Knowing Sonny was standing behind her, Alexis found herself reluctant to turn around. One part of her was glad as always to help him, to wipe away the hurt she thought she'd sensed in his eyes when she'd turned to see him standing there in his doorway. But another part of her wanted nothing more than to crawl upstairs to her bed and seek a dreamless rest. Using anything to put off the moment when she'd have to turn and face him, Alexis slowly shrugged out of her coat.

            Sonny hesitated, seeing the tiredness in the every line of her body as she stood at her desk. He was so used to keeping everything hid inside, that his expression never changed, but inside, he felt bad; Alexis looked so weary when she'd seen him in the hallway. Maybe he should have just left her alone… she clearly wasn't wanting company. But he knew he couldn't leave things the way they had been between them last night.  He hadn't even thought about  her once the thought of Courtney being in the club with AJ had entered his mind. But he wanted to make it right with her. He'd left Alexis without a second thought, and that had been wrong. He'd been wrong…He searched for the words to tell her so, but they eluded him.

            So the two of them stood there, wrapped in an awkward silence.

            "I'm sorry." The words sounded inadequate, even to his own ears. "It's just that when Carly gets like that…" His voice trailed off helplessly. How could he explain how things were between Carly and himself, when he couldn't explain it to himself?  Sonny's eyes fell, suddenly unwilling to face Alexis'.

             His gaze froze as it fell upon the desk. A white hot wave of emotion seared through him. The sight of her crumpled blouse answered his questions. Even the ones he hadn't dared ask.

"There;s no need for any explanations at all, Sonny." Alexis answered. "We're all adults, and the choices we make, well, are the choices we make..." Alexis turned at last, her heart heavy, but finally ready to face him and the truth of the matter. She expected to see the truth about his feelings about Carly in his eyes. What she saw was Sonny looking not at her, but at her desk. Her eyes followed his gaze to the jumble of her blouse and her purse. Even as she lifted her eyes to his, she knew, suddenly, what she would see now. And she was right. Whatever she thought she'd seen his eyes earlier, was fading away and shifting into a stubborn opacity that blanketed any emotion he might be feeling.

But for once, Alexis was feeling just as stubborn. She steeled herself against anything – no everything – her errant heart might be telling her. Face it, this was the reality. Sonny could say what he liked….but when Carly called, he went running. He might not like to admit it, but it was there…she'd had that fact shoved into her face one too many times.  Enough…and with that thought in her mind, she met his gaze as coolly and as calmly as his now glacial and carefully neutral eyes met hers. Never mind if she was crumbling inside. She steeled herself against any impulsive response. Once upon a time, not so very long ago, Alexis would have known that he was hiding behind his carefully uncaring gaze and she would have made Sonny talk it out. She was good at that…and they were close enough that she could do it, break through his walls like no one else could do. , and she knew that something was behind that dark gaze that was focused on her. But at this moment, she simply did not have the energy left for anything but herself. And herself wanting nothing more than to drag herself upstairs and into her bed….anything to get from under Sonny's gaze. The part of her that wanted to open up to  him, to be as honest as they always were with one another, that thread was still binding them together… but the hurt was there now too… it was too fresh, too raw...and Alexis just didn't know if she could deal with anything more at this moment.

Alexis never knew how much she hurt him. What he saw was Alexis armoring herself against him…something she'd never done before. That was new. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. Too much, in fact. Sonny turned and walked out of the penthouse door.

            Alexis stared almost unbelievingly at the door as it closed behind Sonny with a soft click. She shook her head, her emotions all in a jumble, then walked tiredly to and then up the stairs to bed.

            ****

            Kristina returned home early that afternoon, in her usual whirlwind manner. She came through the door, bursting with energy and enthusiasm, full of her impromptu trip to NYC. But she came home to find a tired Alexis sitting at her desk.
            "What's wrong, Alexis?" she asked, drawing nearer to her sister and looking down into her face. Somehow, as always, she knew her sister too well. "The last time I saw you last night, you  were dancing with Sonny…and looking very happy…"   Comprehension dawned. "what happened between you and him?"

"Kristina…"  Alexis was really too tired to even question how it was that Kristina had come instantly to the right conclusion.

            "It was Carly, wasn't it?" Kristina asked. "I don't like feeling this way about anyone, but I knew from the first time I sensed her aura, I knew she was a disruptive influence."

Disruptive influence… That was putting it mildly. Alexis couldn't help but thinking. Arguing with Kristina could be exhausting on a good day and Alexis knew that this was definitely not a good day…. and she just didn't have it in her to dissemble further. "It wasn't just Carly, Kristina."  No it was Carly and AJ and Courtney and yes, maybe even Jax. And last but not least, it was Sonny himself. That was definitely more than just Carly.

"You were happy with Sonny...you two have kindred auras…. You bring center and calm to his explosiveness, he brings a light to your innermost self….  you're yin to his yang."

That comment struck too close to home for comfort. Over the past year, Alexis had come to believe exactly that, though she'd never put it into words…they finished each other's sentences and shared each other's silences and everything in-between. If that didn't signify some sort of bond between them, she didn't know what did. But her tiredness and dejection had left her brittle and easily upset. She snapped some reply at Kristina, she didn't even know what she said, but neither did she stick around to hear her reply. In a very un-Alexis like move, she ran up the stairs to her room and slammed the door behind her. She went into her bathroom and splashed some water on her face. A few minutes later, she headed back downstairs.

Kristina stared dumbfounded at the stairs. The sound of a door slamming heightened her confusion. It was so uncharacteristic of Alexis to run away from everything….except her own feelings of course. If Alexis was said to have a fault, it would be that. A knock sounded on the door, and still dumbfounded by Alexis' actions, Kristina went unthinking to the door and opened it. Sonny stood there. Kristina smiled slightly, and stood aside silently and let him in.

Alexis' voice came from upstairs, drawing closer with every word. "I really am sorry, Kristina, I guess I'm more tired than I thought. I didn't sleep well, and yes, before you tell me, it had everything to do with you-know-who."

Sonny and Kristina looked at one another. He held up a finger to his lips and somehow, Kristina knew that staying quiet was the right thing to do.

Alexis continued talking. "You're wrong about the yin and yang thing though. Carly is the yang to his yin. He reacts to everything she does. She knows it and she uses it every chance she gets. And why shouldn't she, it works. It's funny in a way, though. He knows that I care about  him, but after the misunderstanding we had this morning, he probably thinks that I ran out to have sex with another man. Either to prove that I don't have feelings for him, or else to get back at him for what he had..or hadn't done. That's a typical Carly move… But I couldn't sleep with Jax… or any other man…that was the furthest thing from my mind. Because God help me, or bless me for it…"

Alexis came to the bottom of the stairs, and turned the corner to find herself staring into Sonny's sable eyes. Her shock in seeing him just standing there stopped her from having the wit to stop the words still coming from her mouth. "The only man I care about…the only man I want is……Sonny."