Nyan Gentle Sis Even Gel Lion: A Crack-Fic Potpourri

Disclaimer: Studio Khara owns the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion. I don't. Not even after I offered to trade Anno a rare body pillow of the Old Nebukawa Teacher for them.


The More, The Scarier

"Aren't you Commander Ikari's son?" asked Rei, as she and Shinji rode the escalator.

"Yeah," said Shinji.

"Don't you have faith in your own father's work?" asked Rei.

"Of course not! How could I trust him?"

Slowly, Rei turned...

XXXX

"Rei," said Gendo later that day in his office, "Section Two tells me you killed the Third Child. Did you?"

"Yes, sir. He expressed distrust in you. I thought it best to remove a disloyal element from NERV, as a possible security risk."

"I see." Gendo pushed his glasses up. "Rei, in future do not kill the Third Child. He is required for the Scenario."

Rei bowed. "I apologize, Commander. Should this sort of situation arise again, I shall content myself with a simple slap in the face."

Gendo smiled. "That's my girl. You may go."

Kouzo, standing beside the Commander, watched Rei leave the room, then said, "Ikari, you seem rather cavalier about your only son's death. And what did you mean, 'in future?'"

Gendo looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Come now, Fuyutsuki. You think I wasn't prepared for an eventuality like this?"

"I-"

"Hold that thought." Gendo picked up the phone and pressed a speed-dial button. "Dr. Akagi. Has the recently-discorporated Soul Codename WUSS returned to its creche in Terminal Dogma?"

"One moment, sir," came Ritsuko's voice on the other end, followed by keystroke sounds. "Yes, it has."

"Good. Begin transfer to Body WUSS-02 immediately and call me back upon completion." He hung up and faced his right-hand man, who now looked pale.

"You... cloned Shinji too?" said Kouzo.

"Of course."

Kouzo tensed his fists at his side. "Ikari, you've gone too far. I won't keep silent about this. I'll-!"

"You'll what, sensei? You'll be curious to find out whom else I can easily replace?" Gendo lowered his glasses and grinned at the Sub-Commander.

Kouzo's eyes widened. "How did you get my-?"

He unclenched his fists. "Ahaha... never mind. Forget I said anything." God, I miss being an unlicensed physician, he thought. It was much less risky.


Rejected Eva Spin-off: Are You Being Fanserviced?

Premise: The NERV staff are re-imagined as employees at the Lorenz Brothers department store in London. Several characters have been aged up, or down, from canon, as necessary. You'll figure it out.

"Mmmmen's wear," said sales assistant Mr. Nagisa in an artificial baritone after picking up the receiver. "Yes, we do indeed carry mech plugsuits... Yes, we just got in a shipment of cobalt blue-on-white this morning, assorted sizes... You're most welcome, sir, and thank you for calling Lorenz Brothers. Have a pleasant day."

"Mr. Nagisa, are you free?" said floorwalker Lieutenant Hyuga as his subordinate hung up the phone.

"I'm free!" said the other in his flamboyant, chirpy way.

"Mr. Fuyutsuki, are you free?"

"Mmph?" said the elderly men's wear department head, roused from a nap. "Oh... yes yes yes, I'm free."

"Very good. Mr. Ikari's called a staff meeting in two minutes' time."

"'Ere!" Junior sales assistant Mr. Kaji, who'd been trying as usual to pick up Miss Katsuragi in the ladies' department, came running. "You di'in't ask if I was free."

Lieutenant Hyuga sighed. "Yes, an, er, oversight on my part. You'd best attend too... I suppose."

XXXX

"Good afternoon, everyone," said Mr. Ikari in the meeting room. "I've received a memo from upper management. It stipulates that, in commemoration of International Giant Robot Day this coming Monday, all clothing sales staff are to model NERV-brand plugsuits during opening hours."

"Oo-er!" said Mr. Nagisa. "I must check whether NERV's got any pink ones for men."

"Well, I think it's a ridiculous and demeaning idea," said ladies' wear department head Mrs. Akagi. "And I am unanimous in that. Although... I wonder whether the pet supplies department carries any plugsuits for cats. I think my pussy would look simply adorable in a snug-fitting-"

"Duly noted, Mrs. Akagi," said Mr. Ikari, rolling his eyes.

"And bleached from me brain," said Mr. Kaji with a grin, earning a death-glare from said woman.

"That's quite enough of your cheek, Mr. Kaji," said Mr. Ikari. "Now then, as today is Tuesday, that should give us all ample time to fit each other for plugsuits. Any questions? Good. Back to your posts, then."

XXXX

Monday came and went mostly without incident, although when "Young" Mr. Lorenz came by at closing time, he found Mr. Kaji clutching a clipboard to his pelvis, but chose not to say anything. (Just as well, as Mr. Kaji was trying to hide his plugsuit-highlighted erection after Miss Katsuragi's rear seam split wide open and she ran off to change.)

"I take it our International Giant Robot Day promotion was a success?" he asked Lieutenant Hyuga.

"Yes indeed, Mr. Lorenz. We're now sold out of plugsuits, and have ordered more." He omitted to mention that was because the supplier had messed up and sent mostly clown suits to fill in their stock.

The ancient man smiled. "Excellent. You've all done very well," he said, his knees buckling as his scantily-clad nurses Mari and Midori leaned forward to prop him up.

"I think I need a bigger clipboard," said Mr. Kaji under his breath.


Am I Blue?

Asuka couldn't say why, but she had to know. So she used her precocious mathematical knowledge to calculate the best spot, within the NERV women's locker room, to observe Rei without Rei observing her. Once situated, she decided to be extra-cautious and face away from her co-pilot, stealing backward glances just long enough to answer the question which had camped out in her brain. After a few such whip-twists, she had her answer.

However, Rei had somehow managed to see her, as she was soon to find out.

"Pilot Soryu, is there something you require of me?"

"Ah!" The Second Child jumped in place. "N... no. It's nothing, Ayanami."

Rei tilted her head. "Are you sure?"

Asuka sighed. Quickly weighing various options in her mind, she decided on the truth. She turned to face her colleague and said, "I was just curious as to whether you were... as blue below your waist as you were on top of your head; that's all." (She would've used the old "carpet matching the drapes" metaphor, but reasoned - correctly - that Rei wouldn't understand it.) "Now I know. Yay?"

"You seem to be taking an inordinate amount of interest in my genital area, Pilot Soryu."

That did it. "I-! That wasn't-!" Asuka suddenly found herself sweating like a horse, her face redder than her plugsuit. "I- I'm not- stupid doll!" She ran out of the room, into the hallway.

I wonder, thought Rei, whether I should inform Pilot Soryu she's still completely naked. Her mouth turned up ever so minutely into something approaching a smirk. If I'm ordered to, I will. And she began to dress, taking her time about it.


"World of Cardboard" Speech (with apologies to TV Tropes)

"What've you got in that beaker, Takao?" said Misato to the AAA Wunder's engineer as she entered the ship's makeshift lab.

"Oh, hello, Captain. This is a compound I've been developing. It's meant to transform various substances into cardboard. With it, we could instantly nullify the defenses of NERV's EVAs, vehicles, even their very headquarters."

"Impressive," said Misato. "Does it work?"

"Well, that's what I mean to find out. All I need is someone to test-"

"Let me do it, sir!" came a plaintive teenage voice behind them. "I can help."

Misato spun around. "God damn it, Shinji. What are you doing out of isolation?"

Sakura sprinted up to them. After pausing to catch her breath, she bowed to her commanding officer. "I'm so sorry, Captain. When I dropped off his lunch, he knocked me down an' ran out the door. By the time I'd picked myself up an' gotten out my gun, he was outta range."

Misato sighed. "We'll review security procedures later, Lieutenant. For now, just return him to his quarters so he can go back to brooding over our not saying why we're all pissed off at him."

"No!" said the inexplicably fast Shinji, grabbing the beaker from Takao. "I'm tired of brooding. I know I can't pilot, but I just want to be useful. I- hey!" He swerved away from the three pairs of hands which tried to take it back, and ended up splashing its contents against the wall opposite them.

Misato sprang into action, as much to keep herself from detonating Shinji's collar as anything else. She filled another beaker with water from the lab sink, and tossed it at the wall, hoping to dilute the fluid. But it was too late: a big patch of wall not only turned to cardboard but, sopping wet, collapsed and left a hole leading to outside the ship.

Fortunately, the Wunder was parked safely on the ground. Not so fortunately, there happened to be a wormhole in the air right there, because wibbly wobbly physics wysics. The liquid thus found its way through into another universe...

XXXX

...And that universe's Shinji woke up at the sound of his alarm clock. "Sorry," he said to no one in particular. He scratched himself and walked into the hall, where he encountered Asuka. "Sorry," he said to her.

"Idiot!" said the redhead as her fist met his face. "I haven't said anything yet and already you're apologizing." She watched him hit the floor face down. "And now you're going back to sleep? Get up, Dummkopf, and fix my breakfast. A good breakfast. With sausage." She jumped up and down on him, not realizing that would only delay her command (and potentially pop his disks). "Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! I am the Great Asuka Langley Sor-"

"KEE-KA-KUUU!" Into the hall stumbled Misato, naked except for one of those novelty baseball caps with a beer can and straws attached. "Nothin' like the first beer of the day. Now I'm all ready to sexually harass Shinji and ignore Asuka's existence. Life is gooooooood!"

XXXX

Later that morning, Kouzo stopped by Gendo's office, where he found the Commander with his hand in a fishbowl.

"Ikari. Lorenz just called."

"Can't it wait, Fuyutsuki? I'm right in the middle of punching my goldfish... Okay, I'm done."

"Glad to hear it. So, SEELE wants to know how soon we-"

"Hold on," said Gendo. He walked over to his desk and pressed the public address system button.

"Attention, minions! This is your Commander. Effective tomorrow, all female employees will wear official NERV belly-dance costumes and stiletto heels to work. Except for First Child Rei. If I catch any of you trying to force her into one of those costumes, I'll bury you alive in the failed-EVA graveyard... which we do NOT have. I, Ikari thy God, have spoken!"

Gendo lifted his finger from the button and looked up. "How was that? Should I maybe have closed with a villainous laugh?"

Kouzo sighed. "Ikari, I'd prefer we leave that sort of thing aside and focus on our core mission here."

"Making Shinji's life miserable?"

"No. Cooperating with SEELE just enough to further our own Instrumentality plan, so you can unite with Yui."

"Right. Yui. Of course. Union is good."

Give me strength, thought Fuyutsuki.

XXXX

Meanwhile, the bridge bunnies engaged in light banter as they worked.

"Misato Misato Misato Misato Misato," said Makoto.

"Sempai sempai sempai sempai sempai," said Maya.

"Guitars guitars guitars guitars guitars," said Shigeru. "Oh, hello, Rei."

"Salutations, Lieutenants Hyuga, Ibuki and Aoba." said the First Child. "I am here to transmit a message from Dr. Akagi. Begin transmission. 'Keep this under wraps for now, but a... me from another universe just entered my office through some sort of quantum portal. She says that an untested chemical compound has leaked from their universe into ours. She's been observing us remotely and is concerned that the compound leakage somehow caused an atmospheric chain reaction which has turned all our personalities into cardboard, so to speak.' End transmission. I shall now leave." She pivoted in place and marched away.

"...I don't understand," said Shigeru. "Our personalities are now 'cardboard?' What does that even mean?"

"I know, right?" said Maya. "I don't feel like a shallow person. I think maybe Akagi-sempai has been working too hard and should take some time off. With me. In a hot tub full of whipped cream."

Makoto and Shigeru thought unsexy thoughts to get that image out of their mind.

"Anyway, it's a ridiculous idea," said Makoto. He stood up and walked over to the wall. "Next she and her so-called double will tell us this whole place is made of cardboard." He smacked the wall for emphasis. And the Geofront came tumbling down, the force of the collapse also pulling several of the Rebuildverse's characters into the TVverse.

Thus it was that Rebuild!Shinji, wandering among the ruins, came face to face with TV!Shinji. "Oh, hey," he said. "You didn't do this by any chance, did you?"

"Hi. No, it wasn't me. It started on the bridge, so probably one of the technicians did it."

Rebuild!Shinji exhaled deeply and smiled for the first time in fourteen years. "Oh thank God. At least one of us isn't a world-ending cosmic chew-toy."

TV!Shinji looked at his feet. "Well, I don't know about 'world-ending,' but as for the second bit, I've got news for you..."


Mana Mana, Doo-Doo Doo-Doo-Doo (Sorry for the Earworm)

"Stand, bow, sit!" said Hikari with military precision.

"Thank you, Ms. Horaki," said the teacher once everyone had taken their seats. "Class, today we have a new student." He nodded to the bubbly girl with reddish-brown hair. "Please come up here and introduce yourself."

The girl wrote her name on the blackboard and faced her new classmates. "Hi! I'm Mana Kirishima. Pleased to meet you... and especially to meet Shinji Ikari, you hunky pilot hero, you." She dove straight into Shinji's lap and began making out with him.

"Kirishima!" said Hikari, blushing. "Leave Ikari alone. That is not appropriate classroom behaviour."

Mana ignored her and wrapped her legs even tighter around Shinji. "Mmm... mama like..."

Touji said, "No fair, Shin-man gets all the babes," while Kensuke began filming the spectacle.

Asuka fell off her chair and twitched on the floor, occasionally swearing in German.

Rei stared out the window. Mostly. She was emotionally inhibited, not dead.

The teacher shrugged and launched into his Second Impact cover-story lecture as usual, knowing he'd get paid the same pittance whatever happened in his classroom.

Shinji, for his part, shocked everyone by finally returning her embrace, really getting into it. It's not as though I could stand up right now, he thought, considering what else is standing up.

That unexpected response of his snapped Asuka out of her convulsions. She returned to her seat and turned to face him. "Shinji! What are you, stupid? Can't you see this Jezebel is just trying to get something from you?"

"D'awww," said Touji. "The Red Devil is jealous for her hubbEEEEE sorry sorry I'll shut up." Asuka nodded, let his eyebrows snap back into position, and went back to her seat.

Hikari, realizing she had no hope of restoring order, sat and enjoyed the show, while Asuka continued to insist Mana had some ulterior motive.

"As much as it pains me," said Rei, startling everyone, "I must concur with Pilot Soryu. Kirishima is after something of Ikari's, and not just his generative organ."

"Ewww," said Asuka. "But see? Even Wondergirl gets it." She walked over to Mana and yanked her head away from her insta-boyfriend. "C'mon, Kirishima, own up. You're trying to get something out of him, aren't you?"

Mana sighed, peeled herself off Shinji and stood up. "Well, I'm busted. I'm sorry, Shinji. Although you are cute, and a bafflingly good kisser, your co-pilots are right. I do want something from you."

Shinji couldn't meet her eyes. "I knew it was too good to be true. That someone would actually want me for myself..." He sighed. "So what is it you want? NERV secrets?" His voice was steel. "You're not getting them."

Mana sputtered. "Oh, please. You think I'm a spy for, what, some rival defense contractor? Get real. No, Ikari, what I want from you is very simple: your SDAT player."

Shinji reflexively touched the player, which was clipped to his belt. "What? Why?"

"Are you kidding? You know how much that model is worth these days? It's been out of production since before Second Impact. I can't begin to imagine how you picked it up in the first place, but I've got a client who's willing to pay you 50,000 yen, sight unseen. And I really could use the commission." She batted her eyes. "Pretty please?"

Shinji pondered this. "Well," he said with a half-smile, "I was getting a bit tired of the same twenty-six songs..."


Home Coming

"A... slightly larger-than-man-sized robot?" said Shinji, taking in the sight before him. "With a very much larger-than my, er, than man-sized dong. Is this what my father's been working on?"

"Correct."

Shinji looked up and saw his father on the walkway far above him.

"Father, why did you send for me?"

"You know exactly why," said Gendo.

"So you're asking me to take this thing and go out there and fuck?"

"Defeating our competition in the VR sex industry is our ultimate priority."

"Why me?" said Shinji.

"Because no one else can."

"No, I can't. I've never even seen anything like this before. I can't do this!"

"Get in the Fucking-Robot, Shinji," said Gendo.

"But... waiiiiiiit a minute," said the boy, as a grin slowly spread across his face. He pointed at his father. "You set this whole thing up just for that pun, didn't you."

Gendo burst out laughing. "Ah, you got me, son. I was just funnin' ya." He took off his glasses. "Come up here and give your old man a hug. It's been a while."

Shinji bounded up the stairs and into Gendo's arms. "I love you, dad," he said.

"I love you too, Shinji. Happy fourteenth birthday!"

XXXX

Hideaki Anno woke up with a scream.

"That's the last time I eat Ramen Curry à la Katsuragi just before bed."

The End