CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
A Friend In Need
"I shouldn't have come." Alexis had gone out into the vestibule of the church. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. She turned her head to glance back into the church, her eyes going straight to Sonny. He stood at Bobbie's side. He looked so tired, she thought with a pang of empathy. And he was shutting down, closing everyone and everything off. Carly's death had cost him so much.
She should have never come. Maybe her presence was just one more painful reminder of what the two of them had shared.
"Alexis, are you all right?" Kristina had come after her, of course.
"Me? I'm fine." Alexis answered. "The ones that are truly hurting are back in there." She gestured back into the church. "And I think I made a huge mistake in coming here."
"Sonny needs you..." Kristina started to say, but Alexis interrupted her.
"Did you see him just now? He doesn't need me. All I did by coming here, was to remind him of what he lost..."
Kristina took her by the shoulders gave her a little shake. "No, Alexis, that's totally untrue. He's grieving for Carly... true enough. He wouldn't be the man you love if he didn't mourn her. But she's his past."
"You don't understand..." Alexis began. She could never explain the depth of Sonny's emotions to anyone else. Or how much blame he's taken on himself as the cause of Carly's death.
"Of course I can't." Her eyes softened in compassion. "But I understand this much. Carly was his past, by his own choice. You're his future. He chose you, Alexis.
"You've got to remember that and believe in it. Sonny needs time to accept her death. He never thought that their breakup would lead to Carly's death. Even though it didn't, I'd guess that this is what he's feeling right now. But who could have foreseen that happening? You have to be strong for him right now. Be still, if you have to, be silent, if you have to. But be strong, because you have to do that too. Sonny needs you to be."
Just as they turned to go back inside, Alexis spotted a familiar face. Jax was coming through the church doors, and directly behind him was Mason. Jax, Alexis and Kristina exchanged hugs. Mason waited and then shook Alexis' hand warmly.
"You're looking tired, Alexis." He said, a look of concern on his face.
"It's been a long day for a lot of people." Alexis answered. Jax slipped an arm around her and Alexis leaned gratefully against him.
"I'm glad to see so many people came out for Carly's memorial." Jax said. "She was a unique person. It's a shame she never found the chance to reach her full potential." His eyes hardened just a little. Then he looked down at Alexis. To one who knew her, Jax recognized the pain in her face that Mason had mistaken for fatigue.
Words burned on his lips. Words of anger and recriminations. Jax knew that Alexis was suffering, and more importantly he knew exactly why. She was hurting because of Corinthos. She'd allowed herself to get so close to the man that she was sharing his pain in purest empathy.
Somehow, Jax kept his anger under control. He wanted nothing more than to protect her from what he saw happening. Alexis' heart was so big, so full of feelings for others that it was no wonder she felt Corinthos' pain. But Sonny couldn't appreciate that. He wouldn't. He'd just use it to salve his own pain. But Jax kept quiet and didn't say any of the things he knew to be true. There was no way he would knowingly add to Alexis' pain, today of all days. But he was more determined than ever to get her away and out from under Corinthos' influence as soon as possible. But now was neither the time nor the place to begin. He was here to be whatever comfort he could to her.
Jax took her hand in his. "We're here to celebrate Carly's life. And it's surely a comfort to Bobbie to see so many remembering her." He said as he led them all inside.
With Jax on one side of her and Kristina on the other, Alexis felt infinitesimally better as they seated themselves in one of the rearmost pews. She was here, as much as she didn't want to be. And she'd stay to the end. Not for her sake, but for his.
The ceremony began. People stood, they spoke, but Alexis barely noticed what they said. Everything in her was focused on Sonny. In spite of the distance between them, she could sense the pain in him. He sat, his body too still, his eyes riveted on the coffin nestled in a thick, towering mass of flowers. Breathe, Sonny. Alexis said silently. She took a deep breath of her own, feeling the pain coming off of Sonny in waves of palpable anguish. Unconsciously, her body leaned forward slightly in her seat, as though she were reaching out to him.
Sonny, just breathe...
Finally, it was Bobbie's turn to speak. She walked to the podium and began to talk about her daughter. But before she could get more than a few words out, her voice choked. She swayed slightly and then suddenly; Sonny was at her side, supporting her. After a moment, Bobbie recovered, and then as she lifted her eyes, her face paled.
A split second later, there was a sudden murmur that moved through the church in an audible wave of shock. Alexis turned with the rest of the crowd and the world dropped out from under her feet. She knew that if she hadn't have been seated, she might have fallen from the shock.
Carly was standing in the doorway. Her gaze was as confused as the ones staring at her. She took a few hesitant steps into the church, walking unsteadily up the aisle. She halted halfway as she saw the coffin for the first time. Her eyes got even bigger in her face as she saw her own photograph staring back at her and realization flooded her face. She gasped, whirled around and fled from the building.
Pandemonium erupted in her wake. Everyone came to their feet at once, and Alexis along with them. Her first thought was of Sonny, and unerringly, her eyes picked him out. Wild-eyed with disbelief, he was fighting his way through the crowd. Another moment, and he had disappeared in the same direction Carly had fled.
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Wrapped in mind-numbing despair, Sonny stared at the golden oak coffin before him. The scent of the masses of flowers surrounding it was cloying and oversweet, almost choking him. The small chapel wreaked havoc with his claustrophobia. Sonny felt as though he was barely able to breath; he was drowning, dying with the icy weight the guilt pressing down on him. It was as though the very air itself were pressing down on him from all sides and it was all that Sonny could do to remain in his seat.
Dimly, he was aware of a sense of relief that Michael wasn't here to see this. How could he make him understand that his mommy was never coming back? How was he going to tell him, he thought miserably.
Sonny would have given the world, his soul, anything to have another chance at making things right with Carly. She'd misunderstood his concern. When he'd shown an interest in her club, when he'd kept guards on her and Michael, she'd thought it meant that he still loved her the same way he'd always had. And Sonny hadn't realized it until too late what a mistake he'd made. What he wouldn't give for just another chance to make it all right.
The ceremony moved forward, but for Sonny, it all took place in another sort of haze... people got up to speak words of condolences or memories of Carly, came over to shake Bobbie's hand or hug her and offered their sympathies, but Sonny barely registered any of it, lost instead in the crushing cloud of guilt that enveloped him and swallowed him whole. To those around him, he appeared stone-cold and unemotional, his eyes black and stone-cold; but inside, where no one could see, Sonny was dying a small death of his own, drowning himself in a sea of agonizing guilt.
Finally it was Bobbie's turn to speak. She stepped up to the podium, tears glistening in her eyes as she looked out over the crowd. She tried to speak once, then again, but her voice failed her. The tears spilled over and down her cheeks as she finally succumbed to truth of it all – that her only daughter was dead. Sonny felt her pain; it was a physical thing, a sledgehammer of pain that crushed his chest with a series of savage blows. Without thinking, he went to her, one arm going around her to comfort and strengthen her.
There was a sound, an intake of breath that rippled through the entire church. Sonny raised his eyes just as Bobbie sagged against him in shock and disbelief.
"Car-Carly?" Bobbie whispered incredulously.
Sonny's heart pounded in shock and amazement. He was frozen at the sight, his senses unable to take in the sight of Carly standing in the doorway of the church, staring around as though she couldn't understand what she was seeing...oblivious to the fact that people were staring at her with the same shocked expression on their faces.
Was she real? Was this really happening? As he watched, the figure turned and ran. Unsure of anything anymore, oblivious to everything and everyone else, Sonny raced after her, unsure if he were pursuing a ghost, a dream or his own personal nightmare.
