** - Chapter was influenced by the song Hurt. If you would like songs for other chapters please let me below. Thank you for reading.

Hurt (Johnny Cash version )

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain the only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away but I remember everything

What have I become my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away in the end

And you could have it all my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear
You are someone else
I'm still right here

If I could start again a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way


10:00pm Elliot looked up and as he drove away. He could see his kids in the window. He didn't need counseling. He had been a cop for thirty five years and dealt with many hard things in his life. He knew his kids were worried but he would be ok. Elliot drove. He wasn't sure where he was going or when he would stop. He just needed air. He needed to go home. Home… Back to where he had so many hopes, dreams and memories.

"Bell, hey stabler here." Elliot made a call to his Captain in Organized Crime. Ayanna Bell. "Do we have any updates on Wheatley?"

"Hey, Elliot," Bell answered. "I love how you listened to me about having time off. My undercover Gina was able to place a bug in Wheatley's house. Now we just need to wait and see if we gain any useful info."

"Anything I can do to help? With Eli gone it's too quiet being home. I would rather work." Elliot said as he pulled over to the side of the road. He had reached his destination.

"Ok, if you like to do something. I would like you to visit Angela again. Keep building a friendship with her. Maybe ask to meet her in a park and go for a walk. Choose somewhere public. Keep me updated and please get some rest." Bell said as she hung up.

Elliot looked around to see his old neighborhood. Right in front of him was his first home. He remembered how happy and proud he was the day they moved in. They were two young kids with a baby and so much in love. A whole world ahead of them with so many possibilities. He saw all his five kids grow up here. If only time could have stood still.

1:03 am. Elliot arrived back at his apartment. He could see the kids had cleaned up some since he had left. All of the leftovers were in the fridge when he grabbed himself two beers. Elliot remembered he had Liv's letter she had given him. He sat on the couch and opened it.


Elliot,

As I write this I am unsure if I will be at your intervention. Honestly, I'm not sure I deserve a place there tonight. We have been apart for ten years. So many memories, experiences and time spent apart. So much distance. Part of me already feels like I know how you will react. You will feel blindsided, angry and put a wall up. You will not listen to our concerns determined to prove you are ok.

Elliot, please. Please get help. Your kids need you. You all have suffered a terrible loss. You all need each other to lean on more than ever. They are scared of losing you. They love you. Honestly, I'm scared of losing you. I will give you space as you have asked.

Liv


He called her number. His hand was shaking. Voicemail. "Liv hey, it's me. Elliot. I'm sorry. I messed up. I read your letter. I just keep disappointing you. Please call if you can." Elliot was growing anxious again. He was worried he may have pushed Liv too far. And then saying I love you. When he had been gone. Disappeared as Liv had said. For ten years. He would try calling her again. Maybe she was busy. He knew she never went to bed early. "Liv, it's me again. Please call. I just like to talk. Please. Bye."

Elliot waited ten minutes and tried again. "Olivia, please call me back. I .. I need you. Please" he said as he began to cry.

2:30 am Forty minutes passed by. He drank two more beers. He would call again. Now she was just being rude and pushing him away. When she said she would be there. "Olivia, hey" he said angrily. "So now you are pushing me away? I bet you never even read my letter explaining why I left? How can you say you will be there and then screen your calls?" He hung up and paced the room. He grabbed two more beers and downed them quickly.

Elliot waited another hour and made his last call to Olivia. He was beginning to slur his words when he spoke. Elliot screamed in the phone "Liv, no I should call you Captain Benson. Your silence is clear. Message received. I will leave you alone. Bye."

Elliot hung up and threw his phone across the room. "Dammit" Elliot yelled. His anxiety was worse. His hands were shaking and tears were streaming down his face. He grabbed the remaining beers and drank alone in the dark until there was none left.

5:30 am Elliot walked into his bathroom staring into his mirror. He took off his shirt and threw it on the floor. He could see he had lost some weight as his muscles were more defined in his arms and chest. He needed a change. Elliot grabbed his beard trimmer and decided to trim his hair. He started small and soon he was shaving more and more of his hair. Until he was completely bald.