Dreams and Delusions
The avalanche of sensations crashed down upon him, a mind-jarring flood of sight sound and worst of all – feeling - surrounded him, enveloped him. Over and over the same scenes played through his mind and Sonny was helpless to escape their merciless grip.
…The stench of his terror was strong in his nostrils; Sonny's body trembled uncontrollably. He hated feeling this vulnerable, this frightened, this so out-of-control.
…He was a small child again, huddled in that cramped, filthy space under the stairs, terrified, wanting to weep but afraid to, terrified of the wrathful storm the tiniest sound would bring. His small bruised and beaten body huddled in the farthest corner, the darkness pressing down on him like a living thing, pressing out every sense in him, all light and sound and sense of feeling…but feeling was worse, hearing was worse, the words that cut him deeper than any blow, seeing was worse of all…the hatred of the eyes looking on him, the sight of his mother's body, battered and bruised and broken time after time after time, ...even as he watched, the ugly purpled hues chased themselves across her flesh…knowing that there was no escape plunged Sonny's soul in the dark place, the place of weakness and despair.
...Searing heat fanned outwards, searing his sight with a fiery kaleidoscope of heat, light and noise. Arms were holding him back from plunging into the burning mass of twisted metal, knowing even as he struggled to break free that he was already lost, that everything was already lost… He never forgot the cruel crackling, hissing sound of the fire, as it consumed his life and hopes and dreams. He wanted nothing more than to fling himself into the morass of flame, to quench the agony and guilt that burnt in his heart. He screamed her name. "Lily..."
…The screeching of brakes trailed on and on, like the scream of a dying woman a dagger plunging into the depths of his soul. Then came the long sickening drop into nothingness, the dark wind whistling in his ears, engulfing all hopes… and the thin echo of Carly's scream as it must have sounded like, fading away into a empty, soul-harrowing nothinglessness that chilled him to his very marrow…And the knowledge that it had been him and his actions that had sent her out into the night, alone was an agony that struck at him again and again, the pain shredding, tearing into him in an unending agony…
Sonny wrenched himself free of the nightmare. His body jerked upright, a gasp escaping his lips as his eyes opened. For a moment, the terrifying kaleidoscope of images continued to dance before his eyes for long moments before they faded.
He swung his feet to the floor before leaning forward and burying his head in his hands, trying to bring his breathing back to normal. His hands shook as he ran them over his face, feeling the sweat on his brow. Sonny swore softly to himself, angry at this lost of control, even if it was only in his dreams. Exhaling sharply, he straightened up. His eye was caught by the blinking red light of the phone's answering machine. He remembered that he'd shut off the bedroom phone, determined to get some much-needed sleep.
Sleep was what he had gotten, but no real rest. Determined not to dwell on his dreams and refusing to allow them to have dominion over him now that he was awake, Sonny reached out and hit the replay button.
A part of him wished that it was Alexis' voice he'd hear; but just as quickly as the thought came to him, he banished it from his mind. His choice was made. But a fresh stab of pain nicked his heart as he realized that she hadn't called. But what had he expected – hadn't he made it clear to her that he didn't want to talk to her right now?
The first two messages were from Jason. Sonny made a mental note to get back to him later, unwillingly to deal with the issues at hand. Jason could handle it and Sonny would tell him so. When the third caller played, he wished that he had called Jason back instead. It was Carly. As if his dreams weren't enough, she sounded so much like a little girl lost that it brought all of his guilt surging back into his mind.
He didn't know if he could face her. She tried not to show it, but Carly was still afraid, still scarred by the ordeal she'd been through. She was didn't even remember what had sent her fleeing in her car into the accident that had almost claimed her life. Carly had told him a tale of delirium; she didn't even remember how long she had been lost in the woods. Only by the grace of God had she found an old cabin somewhere in the woods and had broken in somehow, otherwise, she would have died of exposure.
He had almost killed his ex-wife with his selfish actions and worst of all, she didn't even remember the why of it. He didn't know whether that was a curse or a blessing. But either way, Sonny could remember; he'd never be able to forget it. And at some point, he'd have to tell her the truth, wouldn't he? Sonny didn't know how he was going to do it.
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It had been a busy morning of phone calls, and Carly lay back in her bed, stretching slowly against the pillows. It felt good to be pampered and catered to again. Bobbie had been in every chance she got, fussing over her like she was a little girl in bed with a bad cold, asking her if she were comfortable, too hot, too cold or did she want a drink.
Carly glanced at the clock at the side of her bed, and true to her expectations, a soft knock came at the door. She carefully fixed her features before calling out, "Come in."
It was all she could do to keep the soft and tired expression on her face as she gazed up into the face of the woman she had grown to hate over the years.
"You wanted to see me, Carly?" Alexis kept her voice carefully neutral.
Carly's voice was just as carefully neutral. Her tone was soft and almost friendly. Almost. And that put Alexis on guard – not that she hadn't been from the moment she'd stepped into the room. "I probably shouldn't be having visitors – I mean, the doctors say I need all the rest I can get. It was a real –" she stopped as though searching for the right word. "…ordeal – that I've just come through."
"You're looking well enough." Alexis answered. In fact, Carly was looking extremely well for someone who had been through an 'ordeal', despite the weak act. And that was all too transparent; but Alexis decided to play along for the moment. "I am curious as to why you called me."
"I wanted to thank you in person."
"Thank me?"
"I've heard how you were by Sonny's side while the search for me was going on. And I'm sure that I'm speaking for both of us, when I thank you for being such a good friend."
"Both of you…" Alexis repeated. She was even slightly amused. She didn't miss Carly's emphasis on the word friend, any more than Carly had intended her to. A single eyebrow arched upwards.
"Yes, we're both very grateful to you." Carly continued. "Well, as Sonny's attorney, you've always looked out for his best interests. So I was glad to hear that you were with him. I can only imagine how upset he was when I was missing. He's hardly left my side since I've… returned."
Alexis didn't say anything, but her eyes glancing around the room spoke for her.
Carly's gaze followed hers. "Of course he needs some rest, so I sent him home. Poor Sonny, he was exhausted from sitting by my bedside all day and all night long. He's thought of nothing but me since we laid eyes on each other."
Alexis knew that for the lie it was. For a moment, a flashback of Sonny's haggard face danced before her eyes as she'd seen him a few hours earlier, and the desperation and pain that had filled his embrace rippled through her. Her rage flared as she looked at the woman who had put him through it and had done it on purpose, as she was becoming more and more convinced. More than likely Carly had begged him to stay when she knew he'd need rest. But Alexis wasn't about to let her anger get the best of her. Instead she banked her anger carefully.
"How about you, Carly? Have you gotten enough rest? It must have terrible for you out in the woods. The doctors didn't find any injuries?"
"Well, that's why they want to keep me under observation – when what I really want to do is go home. Home." Carly sighed; rather dramatically, Alexis thought. "I can't wait – I mean, we can't wait to get home. Sonny, Michael and I. It will be good for us to be together as a family again."
Alexis mentally rolled her eyes. Home? If she was referring to the penthouse, then maybe Carly was still delusional. As far as she knew, Michael was still at the brownstone with his grandmother, and there was no way that Carly didn't remember that Sonny had divorced her. So this was the angle Carly was playing. Alexis decided to play along for a bit. "Yes, I'm sure you missed them very much." Alexis put a concerned look on her face. "How many days did you say you were you lost in the woods?"
Carly raised a hand to her brow. It trembled the tiniest bit. "I…I can't really remember that. Time didn't mean anything – I mean everything was one big blur. I can barely remember stumbling through the woods... and being afraid, because I didn't know where I was." She looked up at Alexis. "I don't even know how I got there."
"You were in a car accident, Carly." Alexis reminded her. "You drove your car off of a cliff."
"I know, that's what everyone tells me. Sonny won't talk about it, though. I mean, where I was going, or what could have caused me to have the accident in the first place?" Sonny hadn't brought it up at all, but that's the same as not talking about it, as far as Carly was concerned. "I don't suppose you know anything about it, do you? Maybe Sonny told you something?"
"Maybe you should just wait and let the memories come back to you naturally." Alexis wasn't about to walk into that trap. Carly was not about to get her to tell anything that she could turn around and use as a weapon against Sonny.
Carly frowned. "That's what Sonny says."
"Great minds think alike. And people that are close – like Sonny and I – usually do think alike. Do you know that sometimes we even finish each other's thoughts and sentences? That's how close we've become." Alexis smiled. "But enough about my and Sonny's relationship; we were talking about you lost and alone in the woods. I have to say it, you look remarkable for someone lost out in the wilderness."
"I guess it was my desire to get back home to my family." Carly said, her voice flat. The emotion that should have been there was totally lacking. That and the innocent wounded expression she'd been wearing on her face had been wiped away by Alexis' last comment about she and Sonny.
"I'm sure it was. I know you know how much Michael missed you." Alexis decided to take a gamble. "Michael even thought he saw you one night."
Was that a sudden trace of nervousness in Carly's eyes? Alexis decided to press it. "No one can convince him otherwise. Sonny says he talked to him about it more than once. And Michael insists that he wasn't dreaming or making it up. Isn't that something?"
"It sure is." Carly said. She reached for a glass sitting by her bedside and took her time sipping at it. Stalling. Of that Alexis was suddenly certain. For a moment, she was back in court, facing a hostile witness, ready to go for the jugular, knowing that they were ready to crack. She could tell when a witness like that was not saying all that they could, and she was dead sure that Carly was hiding something. All of her instincts were screaming it.
"Well, I hope everyone leaves him alone about it. After all, I'm back now. And if it gave Michael some comfort to believe that he saw me, well, what harm can it do? What's important now is that we get our lives back to normal."
"Normal." Alexis repeated. "And just what would that be, Carly?"
"Well for me, the most important thing is Michael's happiness. And that means making sure his family is happy. Sonny, Michael and I." She stared directly into Alexis' eyes. "We need to be happy as a family."
Carly was so sure of herself and her plan, it showed in her face. Sonny wants me back now. " She informed Alexis. She was barely trying to hide the smugness in her voice. "He was frantic while I was lost."
"He was wracked with guilt, Carly." Alexis studied Carly carefully as she spoke, and was gratified to see a sudden flare of anger and admission spark into the other woman's eyes. "Don't mistake it for more than what it was."
"Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" Carly shot back without thinking.
"Why is that, Carly? What is it that I shouldn't be mistaking for more than what it was?"
Carly realized her mistake and tried to backpedal. "What's important is for Michael to have his family together the way it's supposed to be."
"Sonny will always be a good father to Michael." Alexis said. "I'm sure I can speak for him when I say that. Anything more than that, well, what is meant to be, will be."
"What's meant to be is Sonny and me." Carly said, sitting up straighter in her bed.
"Is it, Carly?"
"Nothing or no one will ever change that!"
"Not even Sonny?" From the ugly expression that seared its way across Carly's face in reaction to her words, Alexis' intuition hardened into absolute certainty. If Alexis had questioned Carly's memory any time before, she was sure it was faked now. The flash of anger and pure hate in the other woman's eyes told her all she needed to know. Carly remembered that Sonny had divorced her and Carly knew that she and Sonny had been together.
"Not even you!" Carly spat at her.
"Me? I've never had anything to do with what goes on between Sonny and you – and I don't now."
"Liar! You couldn't wait for me to be gone – could you –" Carly's tirade stopped almost as soon as it had started as she realized what she had said. Her words had betrayed herself. Her face flushed in an ugly mix of embarrassment and fury.
Before either of them could say anything else, Bobbie came in the room. She had a meal tray in her hands and sat in down on the table near the door, before crossing the room to open the curtains and let the sun shine in. She glanced curiously from Carly to Alexis and then back to Carly again, knowing that the two of them had never been on the best of terms, but chose to do nothing more than greet Alexis cheerfully before moving to Carly's bedside.
"I'm so glad that the doctors haven't found anything seriously wrong with you. They would have let you come home yesterday, but they knew I just wanted to baby my baby for another day or two." She smiled at Alexis. "It's great to have connections."
"I'm sure it is." Alexis said. "So Carly hasn't shown any signs of malnutrition or dehydration? She ignored Carly's momentary glare.
"Nothing serious; they really are surprised, but I know why." She dropped a kiss on her daughter's forehead. "My girl is strong. Her body did what it had to do even when she didn't. I'm sure it was the thought of Michael is what kept her going."
Carly looked directly at Carly. "I'm sure we all know Michael was her first and only concern."
Bobbie bustled around the room, drawing back the blinds to let the sunshine in, and then came back to fuss at Carly's pillows and blankets, clearly intending on doting on Carly. "But even though the doctors have given her that absolutely amazingly clean bill of health, I'm taking her home with me for the next little while. Sonny agrees with me. Since Michael has been staying with me since the accident, the best thing is not to rock his world any more than we need to."
She sat down next to Carly. "I hope you're still not upset that Sonny did agree with me. After all, Michael has been staying with me since before you were missing. He woke up so many times, looking for you in your old room. I think that would help him with his nightmares for now. And as your mother, I'm not taking no for an answer."
Was the smile Carly put on her face looking a little forced? Alexis' smile widened. There was definitely more than a touch of frustration in her eyes. "Being at the brownstone probably is the best thing for everyone involved, Carly. I'm sure your mother knows best." Alexis paused for the teeniest bit before she added, "Sonny too."
