Disclaimer: the guys who make hospital food must be in league with the guys who make airplane food.
Fall
This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping
—Staind, "So Far Away"
Chapter One: Unnatural Smile
Kurama took his sweet time returning home, but Hiei remained frozen in his seat until then. When the door finally did open, his frightening expression might have been enough to persuade Kurama to shut it again and stay in the hall, but fortunately, Kurama was too curious.
"Hiei?" Kurama said hesitantly. "Is something wrong?"
"You could say that," Hiei said, his smile never fading.
Kurama sighed, sitting on his bed and staring at Hiei with a sort of exasperation. He shrugged and folded his hands on his lap.
"What do you want from me, Hiei?" he asked, his laced fingers dropping lazily between his knees. "If you could only tell me, I might…I don't know. I might be able to fix it."
"There is only one thing I want from you," Hiei said, "and we both know what it is."
"But that's nothing new," Kurama said, his voice a tie between stern and bored. "This is something that's making you angry, something I've just done recently. What is it?"
Rather than answer, Hiei waited silently. He knew Kurama would figure out his problem in a moment if he would only stop to think, and if he wouldn't—well, Hiei needed him to, that was that. He would be patient for as long as it took. He watched with some amusement as realization dawned on Kurama.
"You were listening when I talked to Miyuki," Kurama said as though this were highly offensive. Hiei tilted his head forward and slightly aside to indicate that Kurama was correct.
"And you heard me say…" Kurama trailed off, realizing what must have happened. Normally, Kurama would keep this information to himself and merely act on it, but he was not in his right mind. He hadn't been for a long time. Hiei tilted his head the other way, another "yes."
"Oh, Hiei, I didn't mean…"
"Didn't mean what?" Hiei asked after a small pause, not noticing or not caring how shell-shocked Kurama looked. "Didn't mean what you said? Or," he said more forcefully, "didn't mean for me to hear?"
Kurama leaned over, dropping his entire upper body onto his legs and hugging his thighs. He quivered slightly and Hiei tried to feel sorry, but failed.
"All of it…"
Hiei did, however, feel a little nauseated at the weakness of this fallen hero. "Kurama, pick yourself up off the ground and have some pride, would you! Explain yourself! This is hardly the greatest of your problems right now!"
Kurama did pick his head up, but his sickly eyes didn't do much to sooth Hiei's stomach. He seemed about to cry, something Hiei definitely did not want to deal with.
"Hiei, I'm so sorry," he said in an emotional voice, his eyes wet but free of tears (for the moment, Hiei thought). "It was only an excuse, nothing more than that, and if I'd known you were listening, I would never have said it. I…I don't even know what I meant. I'm so sorry."
" 'He might leave if I seem too disinterested'?" Hiei quipped, sounding insulted. Kurama sobbed quietly, dropping his head into his hands. Hiei briefly wondered if he shouldn't have brought that up so harshly, but Kurama's response was far too emotional for mere words to be the cause. He must be undergoing some inner turmoil.
His words muffled by his own palms, Kurama tried to shout his reply. "And you don't understand!" he said. "I can't risk losing you! You're my only link back to Makai and I'm not ready to give that up!" Kurama cried again a little more softly and paused to regain his breath, his back rising and falling slowly but dramatically. "I'm not ready to give you up…"
"Me?" Hiei asked incredulously. "You've never had me to give! If I recall, it was you who rejected my love, not the other way around. But there are no second chances, Kurama, and that offer has expired." A more painful lie, Hiei didn't think he'd ever had to tell, but he convinced himself that it was for the best.
Kurama raised his head once more. Although Hiei was sure he had never let a tear fall, his eyes were bloodshot, as though he had not been sleeping for several days. Perhaps he hadn't, or it felt that way. Pity, which Hiei made sure to hide, began to creep into his conscious mind. He bashed it away with the reminder that Kurama could have returned home—his real home—at any time, yet chosen not to. Shameful.
Kurama tried once, in vain, to choke out a reply. Taking several deep and calming breaths, he tried again with more success.
"I'm sorry…"
Hiei shook his head. "How many times," he said, clearly disappointed, "do you think you can say that? How many times…and still have it mean something? How many times can it still mean anything? I told you the offer of my love had expired and that is not an offer I can reinstate with any ease. In fact, it is not an offer I will reinstate for any price." The lies trying to throttle his soul, Hiei plowed ahead bravely and ignored his writhing heart. "You can only apologize so much, Kurama, before it becomes so routine that it means nothing."
For the first time in five years, Kurama shook his head in response to Hiei's forceful declaration. He mouthed words a few times before speaking clearly.
"You're wrong, Hiei," he said softly. "I say I'm sorry because I mean it. When you say it means 'nothing,' " he said with more force, sounding like the Kurama Hiei remembered from six or even seven years ago, "you mean that it has no meaning for you. I, on the other hand, still mean it with all my heart. I am sorry you heard me say those words and I am sorry I wasn't more thoughtful of what you might think if you heard me speak. And if you don't want to accept that, then I can't do anything to change your mind."
Irritated at Kurama's insolence but pleased that he had broken away from his melancholy, Hiei contented himself with a small nod. Kurama looked away, almost pouting but not quite, and Hiei smiled a little. It was sort of endearing, the way Kurama tried so hard. It made Hiei want to forgive the poor bastard without so much as a questioning glance.
But he did give a questioning glance and he tried not to forgive Kurama so easily. So what if he risked hurting Kurama's feelings? That was the price for making Hiei spend so much time making sure Kurama didn't sink into another depression and, say, kill himself. Anyway, Kurama didn't look too hurt.
"Do you want to?" Kurama asked after awhile. "Do you want to accept that?"
Hiei shook his head "no." "Not really," he said. "In fact, I'm certain I don't want to accept it at all. But—!" Here Hiei put up his hand to forestall the natural argument. "No matter what I do or don't want to do about your musings, I have a greater mission at stake, so I will accept your conclusions and move along."
"A greater mission?" Kurama said at once. Hiei did not like the suddenly suspicious tone, but the question, he supposed, was inevitable.
"I might as well make it my mission," Hiei said evasively. "Not assigned by Koenma, of course, but unless it's completed, you'll be of no further use to him, anyway."
"And what might this all-important mission involve?"
Hiei looked longingly out the window. This was his fault, really, for bringing the subject about, but he wished Kurama would drop it and let him get on with things. What was his all-important, self-imposed mission? Get Kurama back to Makai, of course, and force a confrontation with Miru. But he so wanted to avoid the rage that would follow if he told Kurama his plans!
At some point, Kurama had stood and paced closer to Hiei, jerking him up by his shoulders and forcing him to stand. Hiei mightily resisted this, but in his unwillingness to hurt Kurama, the effort was pointless.
"You never did give reason to keep coming back to visit," Kurama said in a low, threatening voice. Hiei deliberately and uncomfortably avoided his gaze, his lip slightly curled in his tenseness. "Well? Now might be a good time, don't you think?"
Hiei turned to the other side, still not looking at Kurama. "What am I supposed to say?" he asked, his voice showing him to be more at loose ends than he felt. "That I was watching out for you in this perilous world full of humans? That's not true at all, and you know it."
Kurama lightly touched his fingertips to Hiei's throat and then firmly grabbed his chin, forcing them to make eye contact. He raised an eyebrow expectantly.
"So then what was the reason?"
"I was making sure you didn't kill yourself!" Hiei shouted angrily.
"I was hardly in such a position," Kurama said, his voice frighteningly bitter. Hiei stopped his struggling and his eyes widened a small bit, completely of their own accord. Was that the reason Kurama was putting on this terrible façade? But that was so…backwards… Hiei could hardly believe it. Yet…
Based merely on the few words passed between them in the last few seconds, Hiei had gathered that Kurama had stayed in the human's world, living up his disguise, and not killing himself simply because killing himself was what he most wanted to do. By staying in the human's world and not killing himself, Kurama was denying his most potent desires and, apparently, what his logical mind was telling him to do. That is, die. By doing so, he would be somehow getting back at Hiei for something…he wasn't quite sure what. How Hiei had tied himself into that mixed-up non-reasoning, he wasn't sure, but thinking it through, he was almost positive that he was right. There were no other explanations, logical or not.
"You're fucked up, Kurama," Hiei said incredulously. Kurama narrowed his eyes as though to say "Well, obviously."
"What is your reason?" Kurama asked again. Hiei found himself a bit tongue-tied, but tried to speak nonetheless.
"To watch over you," he said insistently. Kurama raised an eyebrow, at which point Hiei nodded sternly. "And what's more," he persisted, "I don't care whether you believe me or not, because that is why I kept coming back, and I will complete my mission."
"Which is what?" Kurama snapped. Before Hiei could think, he blurted out his motivations.
"To bring you back to Makai so that we can find Miru again and you can kill her, once and for all!"
Kurama dropped his hold on Hiei at once, as though he was being burned. Although that was entirely within the realm of possibility, Hiei was not harming Kurama in any way and he even stumbled a step or two when Kurama released his grip. Rubbing his shoulder to return circulation, Hiei looked up at Kurama angrily, but his expression softened almost at once.
The fox looked absolutely stunned. Maybe that had been the last thing he was expecting, but whether it was or not, he was certainly not prepared for its impact.
"You knew that was my reason," Hiei said bitterly, rolling his shoulders back. "We've both known it since I started these ridiculous visits. Why are you so stunned to hear me say it out loud?"
Kurama shook his head and shrugged, his eyes oddly dulled. Hiei discretely inspected him out of the corner of his eye. Was Kurama crying? No, it couldn't be. Not only had Hiei never seen Kurama cry, but Kurama was expressionless. Even as he told himself this, though, Hiei saw little trickles of salted water falling down Kurama's cheeks. It was an odd thing to see: Kurama's blank eyes and careless face crying openly, as though he was sad. Funny in its morbid way.
"Why?" Hiei pressed. "Hadn't you accepted it by now?"
"I had," Kurama said. "I've known it all the while. It's nothing to be surprised about."
"Yet you are," Hiei said with dawning recognition. "You tried to deny it to yourself? Why?"
Kurama only shrugged again and turned away, staring fixedly at the window. Not out it, Hiei noticed, for his eyes were focused too close. The glass couldn't possible be that interesting.
"Kurama," Hiei said, waving a hand before Kurama's face to attract his attention. "If you're forcing yourself to believe—wrongly—that I'm here for social calls, then we need to get you back to Makai as soon as possible. Today, maybe. You're sick."
Kurama smiled grimly and walked around the bed, not once looking at Hiei yet somehow addressing him all the same.
"If you insist."
Prepared to launch into a long argument ending in his forcing Kurama to come with him, Hiei's open mouth went slightly slack before he closed it with a quick jerk of muscle, sending him tripping back a small step. Was this a good thing? A bad one? Both? Hiei cocked his head curiously and watched as Kurama walked over to the telephone.
"Who are you calling?" Hiei asked in a burst of sudden suspicion.
Kurama looked over with a mild smile, his eyes slightly lidded. "Yûsuke, of course."
"Why?" Hiei walked over to Kurama as he asked, preparing to pull the phone away.
"To tell him to pack his bags for the trip. It would be rude to appear suddenly on his doorstep, don't you think?"
Hiei did pull the receiver from Kurama's slack grip and slammed it into the cradle, glaring at his soon-to-be companion. "We're not bringing Yûsuke," he said firmly. "Or Kuwabara, for that matter. Or Botan or Yukina or anyone. We wouldn't tell Koenma, if we could help it, but he'll think it odd for you to go back after all this time," Hiei began to muse out loud. "It would be wiser to clue him in now, but I won't give him any details."
"But we should," Kurama insisted. "Koenma will tell them, anyway. It's all right."
Hiei shook his head, glaring again. "I don't want to give them more details than I'll give Koenma, and Yûsuke will ask for them."
"And he won't be satisfied," Kurama said fondly, "until he gets them all."
"Exactly."
Smiling dimly, Kurama walked from the phone to his backpack, which was hanging from a doorknob. Picking it up, he began to place various objects in it, then opened his closet and took his standard yellow tunic. He folded it and placed it in the bag. Watching curiously, Hiei didn't think to stop him until then.
"You're not staying long," he said. "We'll find her and leave. No need for extra clothes."
Turning his dazed grin to Hiei, Kurama shook his head. "No, because you see, it will be difficult to find her, the way it was last time. We will be led down many wrong paths. I will need clothing to last me so long."
Hiei raised an eyebrow and shook his head, as well. "You'd only be wearing the same dirty clothes over and over. We won't have much time to stop, unless you require sleep. Don't take more than you absolutely need or you'll be too weighed down."
Kurama chuckled mindlessly. Hiei tried to get another good look at him, but Kurama kept turning away. "Silly," he said. "I am only taking what I need."
Skeptical, Hiei took the bag from Kurama's hand and began to paw through it. He found not only the yellow tunic, but also a small stuffed fox, a studded brown leather belt, and several mismatched socks. Tossing each item away as he removed it, Hiei threw the bag back to Kurama and shook his head.
"I can hardly see us going to some social event that would warrant that belt," Hiei said disdainfully. "Leave the bag here and come with me."
"Come with you?" Kurama asked, that freakish smile still on his face. "I'm sorry, there seems to be some misunderstanding."
Hiei watched Kurama, making sure his own face betrayed nothing.
"You see," Kurama went on, "I will be the one to defeat my own problems, and I don't really need your help. Therefore, your presence would merely slow me down."
Shaking his head with a tiny smirk, Hiei put his hand on Kurama's shoulder (with rather more pressure than was necessary) and pushed him, sending him down on the bed.
"You're hardly in your right mind," Hiei said sternly, as though disciplining a bad child, "and you need more help than you can afford to bring."
All at once, Kurama seemed to melt. His head dropped down and he rested his arms on his legs, crossing his ankles. Hiei stepped forward, hand extended as though to touch Kurama, but not actually making contact. His brow furrowed in confusion and a little concern, Hiei decided to stand in front of Kurama and hope he looked up some time soon. Luckily for him, after a few small sobs, Kurama did look up.
"Oh, gods, Hiei…"
Bending over slightly so as to be on eye level with Kurama, Hiei put his hand beside Kurama on the comforter. "Yes?"
"I…I don't even know what I'm doing anymore… Everything's so confusing! I'm going crazy, and I don't know what to do!"
Hiei sat on the floor and moved his hands, resting them on Kurama's knees. "That's why you should come with me to Makai," he said comfortingly. "So we can destroy Miru once and for all, and you'll be rid of all this madness."
"But I can't!" Kurama cried, shaking his head wildly. "I can't do that by any means! She'll escape, just as she did last time, and she'll find out where I am and stalk me again, just as she did in Makai. I can't afford demons on my doorstep every day because of her!"
"Not if we kill her," Hiei said, doing his best to keep an edge of impatience out of his voice. "That's why you've got to come with me, because I won't take that prize from you by any means."
"But I can't risk it."
At that inopportune moment, as luck would have it, the phone rang. Hiei looked over at it with pure hatred in his eyes, but Kurama, glad for the normalcy of it all, leapt up and snatched the receiver.
"Hello?"
I would like to make two entirely offhanded comments for anyone who's interested, one of which being the voice actors for YYH started recording in 2001 (although to the best of my knowledge, at least the last saga, or maybe the last two or even three, never aired in the U.S.), the second of which being yes, Miyuki was a humorous digression who became a convenient plot twist, entirely of her own volition.
