Finding Self
Alexis closed the door behind her, shutting out the concerned look on Johnny's face. She didn't miss the look of worry in his eyes when she'd come out of Sonny's apartment and crossed the hall to her own. No doubt, he'd seen what state she'd been in last night. And he'd probably been around when Sonny had gone to retrieve her things. She wondered, not for the first time, if Johnny ever slept.
Enough of trying to put off what she'd come to do. Alexis took a deep breath and straightened her spine as she walked into the living room. Funny how quickly she'd gotten used to Kristina's presence because now the place seemed altogether too quiet without her. And enough of stalling, she told herself sternly; this is not why you've come here. She crossed the room to stand before the fireplace, her eyes going to the mantle where several small pieces of antique pottery from Russia and Greece lay, between pictures of her family. She smiled, even though it was a sad one. That had been Kristina's doing. Pictures of Nikolas, of Kristina and Alexis, of Nikolas and Kristina and one of Alexis and Stefan.
She picked up one of the objects, a miniature Faberge egg made for the Catherine the Great, the last great Tsarina of Russia, one of their family's ancestresses. She fondled the smooth shape in her hands and this time, instead of feeling sorrow, she could hear the laughter they'd shared as she'd opened the velvet box it had come in.
Alexis felt some of her old resolve returning. Mason's words had struck a nerve, just as Sonny's concern and caring had done. She had to reclaim her life. She couldn't let Sonny take care of her, even though a part of her rightly cherished it. It wasn't him, it was her. Or more to the truth, it was Helena and the hold she had had on her life since the day she was brought to the Island.
"I won't let you win." Alexis murmured aloud. She walked the length of the mantle, touching each treasure in turn. "Can you hear me, Stefan? I won't let her win." She turned and walked to the window, looking out over the city. Somewhere out there, Helena was celebrating the death of her son.
"You can't have my life too, Helena." Alexis swore aloud. "And I will see to it that you pay for Stefan's murder as well." Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day, Helena would pay. She felt a new sense of strength and purpose move through her. Perhaps it was her own Cassadine blood calling out for vengeance, maybe it was Stefan's ghost whispering in her ear; whatever it was, it felt right and good. Helena might celebrate Stefan's death, but Alexis would celebrate his life.
Alexis felt strong again. Still filled with grief yes, but a new power filled her. She replaced the Faberge egg back in its place, smiling at her memories lined up along the mantelpiece. Stefan wasn't dead. He would never really die, as long as he held a place in his heart. And he always would. She could feel his presence now, close to her. Alexis closed her eyes, trying to grasp the whisper of his spirit and draw it near to her; no into her.
No, Stefan wasn't dead… in her mind's eye, she could see her darling half-brother, the darkly golden Greek-Russian knight in shining armor of her childhood. She saw again his deep-set gaze, his slightly sardonic smile, basked once more in the warmth of his approval. Unconsciously, Alexis' own lips curved in response to the look she had grown to know and love so well. She could her his voice calling to her…
"Alexis…"
There was a soft knocking at the front door. As Alexis opened her eyes, she realized that it had been going on for some time. It came again, more insistent than the time before.
"…Ms. Davis? .. Alexis?" What she had first thought was Stefan's voice, she recognized as Johnny's. She shook her head slightly as she moved towards the door. Funny, how Stefan's presence had felt so real to her just then. She supposed that from now on, there would be many times that she would feel him around her, like a guardian angel. She smiled at the thought as she crossed the room and opened the door.
Johnny was standing there, hand raised in mid-knock. His eyes looked over her carefully, concernedly, looking for some sign of distress. "I'm sorry, Alexis." He said, looking slightly embarrassed. "I didn't mean to disturb you; I just wanted to let you know that Mr. Jax was on his way up."
"That's all right, Johnny. I'm sorry I didn't hear you knock the first time. I didn't mean to worry you at all." I'm all right." She answered. "Really." She added, seeing the look in his eye and knowing that his concern wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. She smiled at him, trying to reassure him as she stepped out into the hallway.
As if on cue, the elevator doors opened and Jax stepped out. "Alexis." He said, his concern more than evident by the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice. They hugged, then Jax took a step back, studying her.
"Yes, I know. You can say it – I look like hell." Alexis said.
"I have seen you looking better. When was the last time you've eaten?" Was all that Jax would say in reply. "Never mind, we're going to lunch and I do mean a real lunch."
"No need to get bossy – do you hear me arguing with you?" Alexis asked. She turned from him and headed towards Sonny's door. "I just need to pick up your papers and we can go over them over lunch. Does that meet with your approval?"
Alexis glanced at Jax's face as Johnny stepped to Sonny's door and opened it for her. She stepped through and left it open in a silent invitation, but she knew Jax would rather be boiled in oil before he stepped over Sonny's threshold willingly. Her own swift glance challenged him to question her about her obvious ease about entering Sonny's personal space.
"It will have to, won't it?" Is all that he would say. "We don't have to go over the Chicago contracts now, you know."
"Nonsense." Alexis answered. She was back in the living room by now, gathering up the papers she had been working on and putting them all in one folder. "I've been working on them, I have plenty for you to go over and revise and you need it like – yesterday…" As she reached for the last sheet of paper, it slipped from her grasp and fluttered to the floor.
Alexis bent down to retrieve it, but as she did, her vision blurred suddenly and the room to spun sickeningly for a moment. She grabbed for the coffee able edge, and from somewhere beyond her senses, she heard her coffee cup overturn in its saucer as her hand knocked against it clumsily.
"Alexis?" Jax's voice came from far away, but then as he repeated her name, it was closer. Her vision cleared and Alexis looked up just as his arms came around her.
"Are you all right?" he demanded, not liking the sudden paleness that had come into her face. He had heard the change in her voice and had stepped forward into Sonny's doorway just in time to see Alexis sway alarmingly as she tried to catch her balance against the coffee table.
She shivered, but even as Alexis held onto his arm for a moment, the feeling passed. She stood on her own. "I'm fine. Really." That last was to both Jax and Johnny, who had stepped into the room and was looking at her with equal expressions of disbelief and concern. "I should have eaten a real breakfast this morning, but I had no appetite, and it's catching up with me. I bent too fast to pick up a piece of paper and got a little light headed. And that's all." She made a move as though going to pick up the errant piece of paper that had started it all, but Jax beat her to it.
He waved it in front of her face. "You don't need to be working yourself in exhaustion."
Alexis plucked the paper from his fingers. "I'm not doing that. With good reason, I haven't slept well and I haven't had an appetite. Under the circumstances, it's not so surprising. But we can go to lunch and I will make a reasonable attempt to choose a healthy meal." Her lips quirked slightly. "Reasonable, Jax."
She checked the folder again, to make sure she had everything she wanted. It was all there except for one file. Alexis thought for a moment, then remembered that it was still in her car. She gathered up her purse and on a whim, pulled out her cell phone and made a quick call. To her disappointment, Sonny did not pick up. Then again, she had reassured him that she didn't need babysitting and she had insisted that he go and take care of his business. He must be a in a meeting that couldn't be interrupted. In spite of that, she felt a let down. That little episode of light-headedness had worried her just a little, and to hear form Sonny would have been nice. Sometimes just the sound of his voice was all the medicine she needed.
But Jax was right; what she needed right now was some food and good company. Ready now, she slipped her arm through his. "I'm ready. Shall we go?"
Faced with her smile, Jax couldn't help but return it. "I'm more than ready." He led her out of the apartment. Anticipating them, Johnny punched the button before they reached the elevator. Alexis smiled her thanks, but Jax turned a less than genial eye on him. "And we won't be needing your – services." Jax told him.
"Jax.." Alexis said. She shook her head slightly.
Jax looked at Johnny, who returned his own stony-faced gaze. "If it's necessary, I can arrange for legitimate protection."
Johnny opened his mouth to respond. Alexis interrupted him.
"Before this gets out of hand, can I say anything?" she asked as both sets of eyes turned to her. "We are not going to have this. This is my life, and I will be the one to decide what is going to happen in it.
"We are going to eat at La Luna Bistro. I have my cell phone, and I'll be perfectly safe with Jax." She told Johnny. "We don't need any bodyguards for the moment – from anyone. I've fought long and hard – longer than either of you could possibly understand, to learn how to live my life under my own rules. And today is going to be all about that. And I don't want to argue any further about it."
And she didn't.
