Evan!

How could this have happened? How? Everything has gone down. Life is just not the same. I can't even express how I feel because I don't know exactly how I feel. Everything has just gone down hill since the explosion. Everyone has gone crazy.

Tom's gone mad. He's got a hell of a temper, which doesn't surprise me seeing as he just lost his wife. But we lost something too. We lost our beautiful, loving, caring Jo. As well as our station. I don't think Tom realises that he wasn't the only one that has suffered. All of us have. And on top of everything that's happened I just had to walk in on Susie and Ben with their lips locked together.

What I don't get is why the hell Amy didn't tell me what was going on. That and the fact that Susie was supposedly 'in love' with me. Yeah right. I wish Jo would come back. Maybe then we wouldn't be in this mess.

This is all Ben's fault. He was the one that made her stay at the station. He wouldn't let her leave. If he had just let her help for once instead of treating her like...oh what's the point. It's not like anyone's ever going to listen to me anyway. They're all too busy worrying about PJ and how he's feeling, or worrying about the way Tom's acting. Or too busy making out in the mess room!!!

I don't know whether I should cry or whether I should just hold it all in. no matter how hard I try I cant seem to let my emotions out. I try but all it comes out as is anger. Anger towards Ben, anger towards the Baxter's and worse, anger towards myself for not being there for Jo when she needed me.

I knew she and PJ were going through a tough time and she had put in for a transfer and I was too busy trying to find a way to get to Susie. Big waste of time that was seeing as she doesn't even want me anymore. If Jo were here she'd know what to do. She'd help me sort this mess out. She was always like that Jo. Putting others before her. I think that's what I'm going to miss most about her. It's just not going to be the same without her around.

Ben

It's all my fault. I should have let her leave. I shouldn't have tried to push her where she didn't want to go. I should have listened to her. She's dead because of me. Me and my stupid arrogant...Jo I wish you were here. I should have concentrated on trying to make you happy instead of trying to get you and PJ back together.

I still cant believe that he called her 'Mags' in front of everyone in the station. I can't even start to think how she felt at that moment. All I know is I saw the pain she was in. I saw the pain in her eyes every time she saw PJ walk into the room. I miss her so much. She had always been there for us whenever we needed her. And when she needed me the most I had been too blind to see it.

I remember when she first moved in. Neither PJ nor I had invited her but she did it anyway. She moved in and there was nothing either of us could do to stop her. But I'm glad she did that though. It was great having her stay with us. I mean sure she could be a little irritating at times and she did seem to get on my nerves a lot, but she still managed to fill the hole that was left in our home. She made it feel complete.

I miss everything about her, I miss the sarcastic comments, I miss her attitude but most of all I miss her friendship. She had always been there for me when I needed her. She had helped me with so many problems I had. I remember my drinking problem. She was very persistent and tried as hard as she could to get me to quit. And eventually she got through to me. I stopped drinking. I don't know if that ever would have happened if Jo hadn't been there for me. She kept telling me 'the answer to your problems doesn't lie in the bottom of a bottle' and she was right.

She was always right. No matter how hard we tried to convince her otherwise she always stuck to her guns. She always came out on top no matter what it took. She had a gut instinct that on more occasions than one had led her to trouble however it had also helped us to clear several innocent people. I guess that's what made her a good cop. She always had something to prove and she was never going to stop until she proved it. Especially if it meant saving an innocent person from jail or worse.

That's another thing I loved about her. She always put others before herself. I remember countless times she was willing to put her life and her career on the line just to prove someone's innocence. I'm really going to miss having her around. I'm also beginning to miss our old station.

The new place we're in seems more like a warehouse than a police station. Then we've got those new members. Kelly and Joss aren't too bad I guess but they're always getting on the way. I just wish things could go back to how they used to be.

What happened to us?
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely.
What happened to us?
And deep inside I wonder did I lose my only?