Warnings: Some graphic imagery


Lucky Child

Chapter 11:

"A Fate to Defy"


Hiruko appeared as soon as I fell asleep, beaming up at me with fondness I didn't understand. I scowled, crossed my arms, and sighed. Seeing him again was something of a relief (looks like I hadn't dreamed our first encounter, after all) but I felt more annoyance than satisfaction. This jerk had a lot to be sorry for, and even more questions to answer.

I wasn't letting him go without a fight. Not like last time.

Putting on my best do-not-fuck-with-me face (one I might or might not have picked up from Yusuke), I said, "You again, Hiruko?"

"It's been a while." His grin was like the sun, warm and ever-present. "Have you calmed down since the last time we spoke?"

"Not remotely."

Although his smile didn't waver, he somehow looked aghast. "What?! But it's been years!"

"And yet my ire hasn't faded in the slightest," I deadpanned. "Allow me to pick up exactly where we left off. Who are you? Why did you do this? Why did you make me Keiko? What are the consequences of breaking the rules? Why do you want me to break the rules? Who—"

"Oh, child, details!" He waved a dismissive hand. "Now, now. Paltry little details like those don't matter!"

"Yes, they do. They do to me."

"You were dead."

My questions died on my tongue. Hiruko didn't stop smiling, but the air of gravitas surrounding him changed the grin to an oddly jovial grimace.

"That car crash smashed your head in like a watermelon," he said. "Brains and blood all over those leather seats you loved so much. Teeth rattling in the cupholder like loose change, eyes pulped and bloody and sprayed across the dash. Closed-casket funeral for sure." He wagged a finger. "You should be thanking me! I gave you this lucky second life of yours, you lucky child. Be grateful."

Finding my voice wasn't easy, especially when I'd just learned something so gruesome about my own death. All I could manage was a stammered: "It's…it's hard to be grateful when I worry about the unlucky child whose place I stole."

"Oh, child. You didn't steal anything." A pitying smile this time, edged with comfort. "To steal requires intention. And these events you did not intend."

"Outcome and consequence bear greater weight than intention." Now the words came easier; I'd said them years before in a college classroom whilst studying Kant, Comte, and Aristotle. "Just because I didn't mean to steal Keiko's life, doesn't mean her life wasn't stolen. And it doesn't excuse the theft of her existence."

"But you were not the agent of that theft, and therefore you are not culpable. You were acted upon. You did not act. You lacked agency and input in this situation." Hands spread, a ringmaster welcoming me to his personal circus. "And thus, you are absolved of blame."

I snorted. "I feel like I'm back in undergrad, talking to you."

"Well, you should. I'm using the logic you studied in that Agents, Action, and Ends class your senior year with Professor Thrall to prove my point."

"I knew that bullshit sounded familiar!" I couldn't help but laugh. "Wow. Never thought my philosophy degree would come in handy quite like this."

"The world moves in cycles," Hiruko said. "Some useless things become useful. Some useful become useless."

I did not reply. Was it just me, or did Hiruko look a little older than the last time we met? His limbs seemed longer, ganglier, like a teen in the middle of a growth spurt, and his cheeks had lost the pudge of baby fat. But it had been years since I'd last seen him. Maybe I was wrong. His red robe with the purple belt, the fishhook in his ear, and the wooden sandals were the same as before. And he still had that ridiculous pink hair.

Hiruko cleared his throat. I shook myself back to the present.

"Right," I said. "So. Where are we?"

"Didn't you figure that out last time?" he said. "We're inside your head, of course."

I looked around at the endless grey landscape, the star of long shadows beneath our feet. This, too, hadn't changed. Just as featureless and bleak as last time.

I said, "Dark in here."

"Of course it is. You're a serious person." He tipped me a wink. "Lighten up a little, why dontcha."

My lips pressed together. "Why does everyone say that to me?"

"Because it's true. Because you need to."

For no reason at all, I thought of a butterfly—blue wings shimmering, pinned under glass like the kind my aunt Diana collected before she died. Oh. Oh, that association made sense.

"Step on a butterfly, change the future," I said. Hiruko looked confused, head cocked to one side. "Ray Bradbury's 'A Sound of Thunder'. I've read that story too many times to underestimate my power in this world."

"Your power?" Hiruko's nose screwed up like a child presented with Brussels sprouts. "You think you have power here? Ha!" He laughed like a dropped coin purse. "You think highly of your own importance."

"Maybe," I said, tone mild despite his insulting comment (one that gave me pause, because clearly I had to be important if I'd been given a second life in the role of an anime character…right?). "No matter how much or how little power I possess, I have the potential to change the events of Yu Yu Hakusho's timeline. If I were to get someone killed due to my interference, I'd never forgive myself. That's why I take myself seriously—not because I'm important. Because I care."

"So you're just going to passively slip into Keiko's skin, not use your knowledge to make things better?" Hiruko's disappointment was palpable despite the ever-present smile. "Knowledge is power, as they say. You think you're powerful, so why not use that power to benefit those around you?"

"Because knowledge can be dangerous as well as powerful." Then I ducked my head, scratching at the back of my neck with sheepish self-consciousness. "But no. I won't just passively become Keiko."

Hiruko's head cocked. "Oh?"

I took a deep breath.

I told him: "Much as I fear the consequences of changing things, I fear losing myself even more."

The words were both difficult and easy to speak at once: difficult because I knew they sprung from a sense of petty pride, one that could hurt those I loved if I gave it too much sway, and easy because that pride was an integral part of my character. My pride represented a part of myself I held dear, because it gave me the strength to be myself. It gave me the strength to push past insecurity and tell detractors to go fuck themselves, because I was going to be myself with no apologies.

Too bad pride goes before a fall.

But it also goes hand in hand with one's identity.

Being a fractured version of my old self around Kuwabara and Yusuke felt good, dammit. Much as it could cause problems, I didn't want to lose my identity.

"Passivity is not in my nature," I said. "I refuse to just disappear into Keiko's allotted role." Then I grinned outright. Hiruko looked surprised. "I think the changes I've already made to Keiko speak to my willpower on this matter."

"They do," Hiruko agreed. "But I'm glad to hear this declaration from you aloud." He tipped another wink, conspiratorial and chipper. "Inspired decision, making your parents rich, by the way. That was a big change. And befriending Kuwabara? Very clever! You're breaking the rules with aplomb."

There he went, talking about rules again. What exactly was he after?

"Don't get too excited. I don't plan on acting recklessly," I said. "Any changes I make will be made with care, and with as little impact on others as possible." I tossed my hair, pleased when Hiruko's eyes widened. "Letting myself be myself is one thing, but I won't let that get in the way of canon, either."

A disapproving smirk. "A thin line to walk."

"But one I'm going to toe, regardless."

Smirk turned back into smile. "Well, if anyone can do it, it's you."

I suspected he was trying to throw me off with the compliments, so I didn't let myself fall prey. "You still haven't told me why you did this," I said. "For what purpose. Or how you did it. Or why me. Why did you choose me?"

Hiruko rolled his oceanic eyes. "There you go again, taking yourself so seriously! This situation has far less to do with you as a person than you think. I chose you for this, but there were other candidates who would have done just as well. You just became available first."

Wait—what did that mean? Other candidates? Became available first?

If others would've done just as well in my place…shit. Was I really not important at all?

I winced at that realization. "That sound you hear is my ego deflating. Just—whoosh."

Hiruko giggled, hand over laughing mouth. "Oh, Not-Keiko. Don't fret. You're not wholly unremarkable."

"Wow. 'Not wholly unremarkable.' Such a ringing endorsement. I feel so special."

"Don't be crass!" Hiruko chided. He clasped his hands behind his back and rocked on the platforms of his wooden sandals. "Let's just say I needed someone who wasn't passive. I needed someone like me." Yet another wink; did this kid have a twitch or something? "You aren't passive, and neither am I. Neither of us just takes fate lying down."

I frowned. His words rang inside my head like a struck gong.

"Wait…what kind of fate aren't you taking lying down?" I asked.

Seems I'd asked the right question, because Hiruko clasped both hands over his mouth with a startled "Eeep!"

That reaction (along with his saucer-round eyes) told me I'd hit the nail on the head.

"I'm right, aren't I? You have a fate to defy," I said, watching his darting eyes and nervous fidgets like a hawk. "I don't know what your fate is, exactly, but that's what you're up to. And you said this thing that happened to me isn't really about me at all. Which means it's about…you?"

He pantomimed zipping his mouth shut. "My lips are sealed."

I wasn't about to give up, though. "If this is all about you, it means…well, you're using me to further your own fate-defying goals."

More furtive, guilt eye-darting from Hiruko. Well, that was insulting. If I hated the thought of losing my identity, I despised the thought of being used even more. I scowled and tapped my foot on the indistinct ground, irked, but I couldn't indulge my emotions when there were questions to be asked.

"But what's your goal?" I pressed. "Why did you let me become Keiko—like why me, and why her, specifically? And why is that your method of defying fate? Giving me so much control and letting me choose which rules to break seems an awfully non-specific method of defying a specific fate. Shouldn't you try targeting your goals more precisely? You need to reexamine your tactics if you want to get anything done."

Hiruko opened his mouth, then shut it with a clack of teeth. He was still smiling, of course, but timidly. Like he wasn't sure he should be smiling at all. I almost grinned at the thought of throwing him off-balance—but then he raised a hand, fingers poised to snap, and my jubilation died.

"I think that's enough revelation for one day, don't you?" Hiruko said.

My mouth went dry. "No. No! Not remotely! You can't just leave me in the dark like this!" What could I do or say to make him stay? Think, girl, think! "If I'm helping you defy your fate, don't you owe me?"

At first I thought that logic, born of desperation and little else, had fallen on deaf ears. Hiruko's hand rose, fingers tensing along with my neck and spine—but then he loosed a helpless sigh.

"You're lucky I hate being in debt," he said, and then he stared at me down his nose despite his shorter height. "In the spirit of gratitude, I suppose I could shed a little insight." The imperious expression broke, and he kicked at the ground with a sullen tie. "Suppose I owe you that much, at least."

I started to talk. He levered a finger, pointing it directly at my nose.

"But I won't answer questions about me," he said. He planted both hands on his hips, the portrait of a defiant teen. "I mean it! Don't you dare try to pry, you hear me?"

"Fine," I said. After a quick mental scramble, I dove right the hell in. "If you won't tell me your goal, and the reason I was reborn as Keiko isn't about me, and you dodged my question about why you put me in her life, which means you don't want to answer that question at all—"

Hiruko ducked his head. I smirked.

"—yeah, don't think I didn't notice your subject change to my serious streak. Anyway, I guess the next best thing I can ask is…how much can I change about the timeline? Of Yu Yu Hakusho, I mean."

My fists tightened as the gravity of that sank in. This was all at once the question of most importance, and the question I least wanted to know the answer to. It affected everything…including whether or not I was allowed to be myself.

Because if being myself would change everything, and changing everything wasn't allowed, then being myself wasn't allowed.

And that was basically a fate worse than death, since it mean the death of my truest self.

Hiruko cocked his head. "Why do you want to know that?"

"Well, you said to break the rules. But if you're just using me, you probably don't have my best interests at heart."

"My darling, you wound me." Hiruko placed the back of his hand against his forehead and threw his head dramatically to one side. "Am I not trustworthy?"

"I'm not stupid enough to make assumptions about your allegiances." He gasped, but I didn't apologize. My wellbeing mattered more than his feelings. "Given that I can't trust you to do right by me, how do I know breaking the rules is actually a good idea?"

His eyes sparkled like chips of agate. "Easy! That's because no one will punish you for breaking them!"

For a second I thought I hadn't heard him right. "Wait. That's your answer?"

"This world is a very lucky oyster for a very lucky child, Not-Quite-Keiko." He tipped an imaginary hat. "Have at it!"

"Dude. No. That's not an answer at all!" I ran my hands through my hair with a curse. "Just because no one will punish me, doesn't make breaking the rules ethical. If you kill someone but don't get caught, you still did something terrible. What if—"

Hiruko threw up his hands, eyes rolling like spilled marbles.

"What if!" he cried. "Hypotheticals! Just live, young lady. Change events or don't. Break rules or don't. You won't be punished if you make changes, if that's what you're worried about." He pressed a hand to his chest. "Like I said, I'm not with Spirit World. And because I can see the question forming in your clever mind, no, Spirit World has no idea you're even here. You're not at risk for outside punishment!"

Much as that was a relief, it left me with a dire uncertainty. I asked, "What happens if Spirit World finds out I'm here?"

Hiruko shrugged. I groaned.

"You're next to useless." I pressed my fingers to my temples. "OK. Riddle me this. I have a plan. Something to really change Keiko. And I don't know if it will work, but if it does, things could…shift. They could shift in a big way, and I can't predict how far the ripples will reach. I don't think they'll affect anything in a huge way, but I can't be certain—"

"Ooo! Interesting." Hiruko clapped, delighted. "I love it. You have my blessing."

My jaw dropped. "You don't even know what the plan is yet!"

"No, but I love the idea of it. So do what you'd like with my support!"

"Gee whizz, mister. Thank you for the validation!"

I said that sarcastically, but I don't think Hiruko realized it. He reached out and patted my hand, firm but gentle, fingers as cool as the ocean tide. His eyes wandered in places far from here, as though he didn't see me at all.

"I'm happy to provide any validation you need," he said. Sadness softened his smile; blue eyes darkened with melancholy. "It must be tough, doing all of this alone. I confess I know the feeling of loneliness." He raised his eyes to meet mine. In them I saw desolation and distance immeasurable—and something in me resonated with familiarity. "I know the feeling very well, of wanting to belong."

Breath catching, I asked: "What do you mean?"

He tore his eyes away. Kicked at the ground, hands behind his back. The fishhook glinted in his ear.

"Nothing," he said. And then he raised a hand. "Sorry, Not-Quite-Keiko. I can't say any more."

"Can't, or won't?"

"Won't, admittedly. But you knew that already." Another sunny smile. "All in good time, my lucky child."

I started to grouse, but he snapped, and the world dissolved before I could demand more answers. I woke in a pool of moonlight in my bed, sheets tangled around my legs like grasping hands.

Early the next morning, after a night of sleepless pondering, I told my parents a lie and boarded a train headed north.

It was time to put my plan into action.

Whether or not my plan worked, and no matter how turbulent the ripples it cast—I had a fate to defy.


NOTES:

If any of the Seven Deadly Sins plagues me most, it's pride. This will be relevant in future chapters.

Dudes. You're spoiling me. Like for serious, I didn't expect this much feedback and each comment is a gift. Floored by the kind and incredible response from: DMS-Evil, Mein Benutzername, DarkDust27, xenocanaan, La Femme Absurde, Marian, Guest (x2), Chiasmus, FireDancerNix, Aly Goode, reebajee, Kuroyuki no Ryu, 13, SanguineSky and rya-fire1!