Title: "Letters:
Author: Baliansword
Chapter: 2, "Letters of 331 BC"
Summary: After Hephaestion's death, Alexander finds a book of letters written for him, but never sent.
A/N: Thanks everyone for the reviews. They are all appreciated.
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Alexander,16, January, 331
We fought for days it seemed even though it was a matter of hours. The men all back you, even when they know that they could die. It is clear that they could have. But they continued forward and we faced the rebellion. When it was over, what had we truly accomplished Alexander? I think of it now and I do not know, days later. You saw a glorious victory and that your dream would come true. With this rebellion crushed you could take out the next one until the world was united under you. However, when I look I see something that you will not see until it reaches you in your nightmares, months from now.
I see the death, and the pain. I see what you should be looking at but are not. There is so much death on the field when they are done. Blood stains the ground, the swords fought with, and even my own hands were tainted with it. I see what you cannot see yet, because you are stronger than I am. You are now and you always have been. You are strong, willing to do what I would never be able to do. But there is something else I see, something that brings comfort to me. I see you.
Even with blood staining your face you were still as beautiful as ever to me. The anger in your eyes was still there, as you cut down man after man, and it scared me. You will never be rid of that anger your parents burned into your mind will you? I suppose not, and many fear it, for when you fight you loose control of the Alexander that I know. Instead you release a beast. After it is over, you were standing, and I just stared at you. For a moment you surveyed the field, the countless bodies, and then you turned to look over at me.
I was sitting, staring at you, when I should have been looking at the cut on my hand. When you saw me, you grew so worried. I could see it in your eyes, the way that your breath caught, and you suddenly began coming toward me. I never want to see you worried again. However, when you were worried, you were the most beautiful that I had ever seen you. Perfectly beautiful.
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Alexander ran a hand over the page before looking up. He had retreated from Hephaestion's old room. The pain that lingered there was too much. In his own rooms he was safer, he felt. The pain inside of him was still there. The hole that he felt for Hephaestion would never leave. But he knew that it was better here. Here he was safe. In this room, Hephaestion would always be with him.
He continued to read over this letter again and again. He remembered the rebellion after founding Alexandria. Yet most of all he knew that Hephaestion had seen everything. He knew, even when Alexander had not meant him to know, what he saw when he'd glanced over at him. He saw him sitting there, but in his mind he was not sitting. In his mind he was hurt, injured, and his heart had stopped. Hephaestion was right. He could not breathe. He couldn't even think. Had Hephaestion really seen all of that? Of course he had, and it made Alexander smile, even though it hurt. If he'd seen all of that, then what else did he see and never say?
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Alexander,20, January, 331
You are asleep now, sleeping from the love that we made hours before. After, you held me, waiting for me to drift off to sleep. I acted as if I had fallen asleep and merely waited for your breathing to slow. You were asleep when I got out of bed, and began writing this. You still are as well. The moonlight shines in through the balcony and it lingers on your cheek. Your golden hair shines even brighter now than it does in the sun. Complete beauty.
I probably do not tell you that you are beautiful enough. Maybe I should say it more. Yet ever time I want to, I cannot. Either others surround you, or you are asleep, or completely in deep thought over a map. For in truth you are most resplendent when you are doing something completely normal. Notwithstanding, you are beautiful when you are with me, and me alone. Yet when you smile naturally, laughing perhaps at one of Cleitus' jokes, you are the only one in the room.
Tonight is no different. You are awe-inspiring as you lay there. I have not told you today that you are though. Maybe I should say more to you. But deep down I think you know what I want to say. I've begun to wonder. What is the difference between love and obsession? At times I believe that I love you a great deal more than just what one would call love. Sometimes I believe that I am obsessed.
I am completely infatuated with you. Sometimes, I look at you when you do not think that I am. Is that so wrong? Today when you were drawing plans with the Companions, I was barely even listening. Instead I was watching you, as you leaned over, your golden hair fell over your face. As you rose, you pushed it back and watched, for you did it with such a grace I stopped breathing for a moment.
Should I tell you that I love you more often? Have I been negligent in not saying such enough? I wish that I knew how to say it when I am around you. For I do, truly, I do love you and only you. I would not be able to go on without you. So is that love, or is that obsession?
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Alexander began to cry. He felt guilty about being so calm while reading these. For how could he go on without Hephaestion? As he sat there, just crying, there was a knock at the door. He glanced up and turned his attention to the door. He wiped tears away and as the door opened he tried to breathe. At first he thought that it would be Bagoas, but it was not. Instead it was Cassander.
"Hey," Cassander said as he entered the room. He shut the door and then leaned against it, but did nothing more for a moment. Alexander closed the book and pushed it off of his lap. Carefully he set it down next to him, then glanced over at Cassander. He did not even care that his eyes were red, for in truth, Cassander's were as well.
"Um," Cassander said after taking a breath. "The others were wondering if you would be coming down for dinner. Not that it would be required. Just, we all worry for you, and we wanted you to…just…it would soothe some nerves if you would maybe come down."
"They sent you to plead the case," Alexander asked, laughing slightly. He had never heard Cassander so lost for words. However, he liked him like this, afraid of him. At least for some time he may be able to have some control over him.
"No, I wanted to come."
"Maybe tomorrow," Alexander said quietly. He then took the book and set it back on his lap and began to open it. He found the page he'd left off on. However, he had to look up again, for Cassander had not left. There was a soft sincere smile upon his face and he nodded once. There were tears almost in his eyes as well.
"Was that what he was always working on?"
"Yes," the king nodded, tears beginning to slide down his cheeks. He nodded and said yes again. Then he glanced up at Cassander, who nodded once, and then left him to his privacy.
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Alexander,9, February, 331
I wonder what the Oracle will say to you. Siwah has been a place that you have wanted to go forever now. When you wanted me to come with you to see the Oracle I knew that I could not. What the Oracle will say to you, she will say, and I do not truly want to know what the future will bring. Especially my future. For what would we be able to do if she told you of when I would die? All that could be done is a simple avoidance but I do not want that. So let her tell you of the victories you will gain. But please, ask nothing of me, for I don't want you to have to worry.
While you were gone I decided to go to the market. I know that I said that I would remain with Ptolemy and the others. In truth, how could I do that? You know how they are with the local women when you are not around. Ptolemy takes what he can find, and immediately cozies up to it. As for Cassander, he is good looking, and women seem to flock to him. So I would rather be by myself, even though you say I may be in danger, than sit around and watch them slide tongues in and out of one another's mouth. In truth, it is disgusting to me.
It is not appalling because it is Ptolemy or Cassander. It is note vent he fact that they love women, and I don't. Actually, it is appalling because I know that there is no love between any of them. Therefore, I decided to go to the market. Believe me, I was careful, just because I do not want to have you yelling at me for being injured later. I know you care. But I can take care of myself. Sometimes I think that you forget that.
Do you really see me the way that Cassander and the rest of them do? Do you really look at me and think that I am weak? I know that they do, for they make sure to comment on it constantly. Cassander actually is the one that comments on it constantly. But do you too think that I am nothing more than your lover?
But while I was in the marketplace I found a ring. I don't know when I am going to give it to you. When I was buying it I heard the story that comes with it. I am not sure if it is true. But I want it to be, because it just made it so much more perfect. The ring comes from a time when man worshipped the sun. The legend goes that the ring belonged to the man noblest of all the others. He was to wear the ring, and pass it down to his family, until the sun decided it no longer wanted to be worshipped. When the sun lost its religious aspects, it entered the ring, and the man wearing the ring became the king of all. Or at least, that was what many thought. However, the ring was never worn by the right man, the seller told me. He said it would only have power when the greatest man of all wore it, and only then would the sun's power come through, and that man would be the only ruler to walk the earth.
It was made for you then, my love. You are the sun, to my stars, and you are the greatest man of them all. I found the ring for you. When I will give it to you, I do not know. I will keep it with me until I know that it is yours. Then, it will be yours. I believe that Siwah perhaps gave us both an answer.
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Alexander looked at the ring on his hand. When Hephaestion had given the ring to him, he had never told him the entire story. He had told him thatthe ring came from a time where they worshipped the sun. But he had never added that it would be worn by the greatest of them all. The tears began to fall as he reread this passage.
"Oh Hephaestion," he whispered as he got to the part where he spoke of what others thought about him. "I never thought you weak. You were never weak, divine, but not weak."
For hours he continued to flip through the pages. They were different, each one. Some had no dates, or the date had finally been rubbed off, and some were torn. But each letter was another piece of Hephaestion. He continued to read, his tears held back. However, the tears would soon come when he found the letters Hephaestion wrote from Persepolis and Babylon. Together, they were the longest letters of them all, and they contained emotions from pain to joy. Alexander read them for the next few days.
