Author: Baliansword
Chapter: 3, "Pain Begins''
A/N: Thank you for all of the support with this. I hope everyone enjoys.
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He had fallen asleep while reading. The book remained opened on his chest and the candles were dying down. Sleep had claimed him without and remorse. He had not even time to shut the book and carefully tuck it away. Nor did sleep let go of its claim on him as the door to his room was pushed open. As the outsider entered and lifted the book he moaned, but did nothing else. Silently the flames of the burning candles were extinguished and Cassander slid back out of the room. The book lay shut, on the stand next to the bed. Upon getting his hands on it, Cassander had a change of heart, and decided not to read the letters after all.
As the sun rose later Alexander awoke. Startled he sat up, looking for the only thing in his life that he could still hold dear to him. Relief flooded him when he saw the book. However, he did not have much time to read before the door opened. As it did Alexander looked up, but only for a moment upon seeing that it was Bagoas. Bagoas looked at him, eyes like a deer's, large and bright. Yet they were not as bright as Hephaestion's had been. The eunuch remained, waiting for Alexander to speak, so the king finally enlightened him.
"Go Bagoas," he finally said. "I will be fine."
"They want you to come down."
"I do not care what they want," he responded, the anger clear. Bagoas took the hint and was quick about getting out of the room. Alexander waited for the door to shut before he looked back down at the endless pages that filled his mind.
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Alexander, 7th of January, 330
Persepolis. We have finally reached your beloved city, the one that you have wanted above all others. You should see the way you look now. Everything here is so new, and many of the men are unsure of it, but you have embraced everything as if at one point in your life it was yours. I have never seen you so glad I do not think. Your smile radiates when you laugh amongst the men. In front of you, I smile too. But this is not what I wanted Persepolis to be like.
I wanted this place to be unpalatable. I wanted it to be a place that instantly you would hate. Yet you love it. Even I look at it and can see why you would love it so much. However since you love it, that is one more thing you love above me. I do not want you to think later, as you read this perhaps, that I believe you do not love me. But you must understand that slowly I see myself fading away from you. I just want to reach out to you, say something, yet never can.
What, I wonder, would possess the Greeks to speak badly of this place. I can see the differences and I know why I myself do not like it. Because to me it is foreign. The smells are different and I cannot speak with the people here. I have no idea what they say to me and their culture scares me all the more. Do they hate it because they do not understand it either?
Already things are being gifted to you. I keep watching the men of these lands bring you things. Gold seems to be the only color they know here whether they bring you coins, vases, or robes they claim are fit for a king. The animals in cages they bring are beautiful. But truth be told they do not love their masters, or you, who are now their master. They want out. They scream, their eyes burn with rage trying to tell you, and I wonder if you see it.
There was a caged tiger of some sort, young, and I sat down before writing this. I continued for some time to stare at the remarkable creature before my thoughts were interrupted. It was Cassander who walked past me then stopped. He turned to ponder what I was doing. Then, he merely laughed and I faced him for a moment. He told me only that the tiger had my eyes, something I had already noticed. Apparently this one does not eat the live food it is given. That was what Cassander was referring to. When I looked at the beast, I saw my eyes, and thought that perhaps we both want to leave this palace as much as one another.
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Alexander,10th of January, 330
It is not my head that hurts. That is not why I have left you at the dining hall tonight. My head is fine, at least it is for now. What really aches is my heart. I know that you do not ask for your gifts. However, the one that you have just received, is terrible. How can they give you a slave as a present?
How can that boy they have given you please you so much?
Denial is what I would get from you if I mentioned it. But I worry about this new impediment that has been gifted to you. What is his name, Bagoas? I cannot even remember for when you were receiving him I could only stare. The hardest thing to do was stand there and act as if I did not mind in the slightest. Cassander knew though, knew the burn that I felt, and for the first time in his life I think he has shown some compassion. He reached out, squeezed my shoulder, and whispered it was just a gift. Is he just a gift though?
I am a fool for leaving you alone tonight, for what are you going to do with him if I am not there? Now I think about coming back down. Yet if I do that then you will know that I am fine. I just lied to get away from you. Oh Alexander, I love you more than you can know. Yet at the same time, in loving you, you are ripping my heart in two.
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Finally he came down even though his mood had not changed. He left the room, walking quickly down the hallway, and stormed into Cassander's room. Slamming the door caused Cassander to turn around. Yet he did not leap up in fear. He did not even look at Alexander as if the anger showing in his eyes was surprising. Instead, he remained seated, and then sighed.
Alexander lunged forward and grabbed his shoulders and shoved him back. Cassander still remained calm. It was truly not startling to be treated in such a way by Alexander. They had the same amount of anger. Alexander was just better at letting it out, and Cassander was the perfect source to vent on at the moment.
"Why did you never tell me," Alexander screamed.
"Tell you what," asked Cassander through another sigh. Alexander only punched him in the gut. Cassander slumped forward for a moment but then straightened. "Alexander, really, I do not know what you mean."
"About Hephaestion!"
Alexander let him go and turned. He paced for a moment, trying to think, but adrenaline was running through his veins. Cassander went back to sitting, drinking wine. He caught his breath and then finally glanced up at Alexander.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Hephaestion," Alexander repeated. "I want to know why you never told me about the pain he felt. You knew about what he felt! You knew and you never said anything to me!"
"How could I? To begin, you never would have believed me. But also, if I had told you, then you would have had to face the fact that you're an ass."
"What?"
Many would never have dared to speak to Alexander in such a way. None of the other Companions would have. But one of the reasons, deep down, that Alexander kept Cassander so close was because of the fact that Cassander did not fear him. Since there was no fear, Cassander would do whatever he wanted. Alexander would rather have him acting out with him, instead of against him.
"You are an ass. Sadly, Hephaestion accepted that though. You put him through with a great deal of pain with Bagoas. Well, with all of this."
"You should have said something," Alexander screamed.
Cassander was dreadfully calm when he responded.
"And you should have seen it all along."
