Author: Baliansword
Chapter: 4, "Pain Part Two"
A/N: Thank you for all of the support with this. I hope everyone enjoys.
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Alexander, 25, January, 330
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were not here. I wonder what you and I would be doing it you did not have Bagoas. Yet, all the while, I do not blame you. You are the greatest of all men, they say, and I have to agree with them. So if you need Bagoas to keep you company, then I will let you have him, but I do not understand it Alexander.
What you must see in him I do not. He is thin, muscled nowhere, and compared to those you usually look at he seems rather plain. For the Persians, I suppose not. Perhaps I do not know you at all if I can look at him and not see why you are attracted to him. I must be used to thinking that you love me above all others and that since I look nothing like him, you should not want him. But maybe, all along, you have not desired me. Am I now lost to you forever Alexander?
I think of the scars that I have gained in the war, the ones that you call glorious. Yet maybe they are no longer so. He is younger than I am, not scarred from wars, able to satisfy you I suppose better than I can now. If you want him, then he is yours, for I shall speak no more of it to you. Today I realized that either you do not care of my opinions or are never going to stop seeing him.
I thought about giving you your ring today, but stopped myself. I do not want you to think that I am weak and that I desperately need you. I do need you. I will always need you and shall always love you. But I do not want you to think that I cannot be a general without you. Go to him tonight my love, if you are not already there, for slowly I am beginning to let you go. It is something that you want me to do, so I shall do it.
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He stared at the letter once more, then turned the page. His fight with Cassander had gotten him nowhere. Yet he understood it, and now let himself see it, whereas before he had not. Hephaestion had always felt this way. Cassander had never said anything because he did not need to. Alexander had seen it just like they all had, however unlike them, he pushed it to the back of his thoughts. It made sense to him now.
If he could not make Hephaestion happy, then he could please no one. He wanted nothing more than to make Hephaestion happy. Therefore, when he was not, he could not admit it to himself. Now, it was too late to do so. It would solve nothing now. Nothing at all.
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Alexander,29, March, 330
Mardi. That is where you are campaigning now, however, I am not with you. You have sent me away to prepare the supply lines. Do you truly think that I am not even worthy of being your general now? I should be angry with you but all I know is that I miss you. I worry for you. If anything happens to you I know that I will not be there to protect you. I know that, and I cannot sleep now, worry filling my mind for you.
Perhaps I should not be doing what I have planned to do. Even though you have left me here, I know that I must reach you. I am going to saddle a horse, one of the better ones, and I am going to set out to find you. If you do not want me then that is fine. However, I still want you.
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"I sent him there to protect him," whispered Alexander. Even though Cassander had just entered the room and said nothing he stopped to listen. At least Alexander was speaking now.
After the other Companions heard about Alexander's confrontation with Cassander they appointed him Alexander's new best friend. Since he turned everyone else away they thought sacrificing Cassander to his anger would be a good idea. At least he was not yelling at him. Cassander leaned against the door and let Alexander continue.
"I thought he wanted to stop fighting," he sniffed. "He used to be my equal. He used to be there when I made plans, smiling all the while, and then he just stopped. He stopped wanting to do it I thought. So I sent him away, but apparently, I only upset him more."
"Are you speaking of Mardi?"
He nodded, "Yes."
"He came."
"I know," Alexander said, smiling through his pained tears. "I remember when he charged onto the field with his sword raised. I think it was the hardest his men ever fought, upon seeing him."
"He was a fool for trying to get to you."
"Perhaps," he said sadly.
"You know that I mean that, right?"
"Get out."
"Good," Cassander laughed. "Just making sure that we still understood each other. I left you tray next to your bed. You should eat. You can't starve yourself before you finish reading that book."
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Alexander,4th of April, 330
You are sleeping now as I write this. For days you have been staying by my side, hoping that my wounds will disappear I would think. The way you keep checking them makes me laugh. When I fell off of my horse, I figured that I had failed you. Maybe I still have. But a deep cut to the thigh really is nothing when you think about it. Soldiers get them all the time. All you said of this was that I was no mere soldier. Maybe you do still love me. For that I would be grateful.
Soon you will want to leave Persepolis. I think that all of the men know it. Many of them are not going to want to leave but I am sure things will be fine. Alexander, someday you will understand, that there is only so far that you can go. The world will be yours as all have prophesized. Yet, my love, those in it will not be if you push them so hard.
I shall sleep, since I do not want to wake you. I have a feeling that the next time I write you will catch me. Today you did, saw me writing, and asked what I was doing. I told you merely that I was organizing your treaties, perfecting them. Forgive me, wherever we are now as you read this, for lying to you.
Wherever we are now, right this moment, I hope that you still love me.
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"He has been up there for days," complained Ptolemy.
"There are a lot of letters," Cassander told them as he sipped his wine and took a bite of chicken from his plate. The same dinner sat on a tray in Alexander's room. He knew that Alexander would barely touch it though. However, at least they were making some progress. Alexander was back to hating him. Clearly he was feeling better.
"He needs to be moving about again. The morale of the men is slipping. They fear that without Hephaestion the king will have no sanity."
"He won't."
"Cassander," Craterus gasped. "Do not say that!"
"I am merely being honest," Cassander shrugged. "I have the feeling that by the end of that book he will be doing only two things. Crying, and killing."
"Good," laughed Ptolemy, "since we are sending you up there to check on him."
"Yes, yes, send me. But if I kill him and take over the empire you all cannot hate me. Since I will blame you for putting me in such a hostile situation."
At this, they all laughed.
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"I love you now," Alexander whispered as he ran a hand carefully over the page. "I love you now, I love you then, and I will love you tomorrow. I will love you forever, just like I always said I would."
The tears were streaming down his cheeks. He tilted his head back and did the unthinkable. When he screamed Hephaestion's name, the whole palace heard it. There was no way that they could not. A pained voice echoes more against cold walls.
