Title: "Letters"

Author: Baliansword

Chapter: 5, "Leaving Persepolis"

A/N: Again, thank you all so much for your support. This is something completely different for me so I appreciate that you are going with me on this one. Completely enjoy all of your comments. Cannot wait to hear from you soon.

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He sat for a moment, considering things as he began to write. It did not seem to be working as it had in his mind. As he moved the pen across the parchment the words came. Yet they were in no was elegant. He imagined that it would have been something more artistic, yet when he glanced down, his words were merely words. Sighing he tossed the pen down and then ran a hand through his hair.

Cassander knew that writing was not his gift. This was perhaps the worst idea that he had ever had. Immediately he stood and collapsed upon his bed. The ceiling looked the same as always. Everything was the same. Nothing seemed to have changed since Hephaestion's death.

"Hephaestion," he laughed quietly, "you really did love him didn't you, you foolish bastard."

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Alexander, 1st of May, 330

We are leaving Persepolis the day after next. I am torn, for I do not know whether to be happy, or whether to be sad. I know that I am tired to living here. I want to go on. However, at the same time, I know that going on is a foolish idea. The men will not back you. They want to be rid of this place as much as I, but my love they want to go back to Macedonia, not further to the east. It is something you should be able to understand, yet you do not. For above all you are Alexander.

Many believe that you wish to die. They say you go into each battle ready to accept your fate. I know that you do. You do not fear for your own well being. But I know that the missions you set out with are not complete suicidal. If they were, I believe you would already be dead. Instead you go into each battle, looking for the best fighters, and you fight. It is not suicidal because you never give up. You are just waiting for the best of all these foreign warriors to beat you. When they do only then may you escape the haunting of your mother and father.

It will never be enough for you Alexander. You could conquer the world and would then only pause for a moment. Next you would find some new great feat. You have never fought the Persians, Alexander. It is yourself that you fight. No other could compete with you. Not even I may do so.

All the while, as you speak of leaving, I wonder what the men will think. I know that many do not wish to go. However, my love, you cannot fight them all. I am with you even though I would like to take time to settle from Issus and Guagamela before going on. They may not agree with you but I love you and that is all that I must know to stand wherever you shall tell me to stand. As always, I worry for you, but my heart never falters.

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Alexander,24th, October, 330

It happened today. I knew that there would be a few who would rise against you but never would I have thought of Philotas. It is true that he was sore when you sent his father away. But I never would have suspected him. Yet the further we go the more I understand that we are beginning to change, and now for the worse instead of the better.

I sat looking at the Companions today. It may be odd for me to think such, but there apart from you is only one that I would trust. Many trust Ptolemy, but not I. Agreeing with your mother, again odd, I believe that he does think too much. There is something that he plans against you. Not a plan such as Philotas', however, it is still a plan he intends to go through with.

Cassander is the one that I would trust. He is honest. He does not hide his faults, nor his intentions. There are many that would call him bold. I call it a strategy, yet one I believe in. He scares many because we all think he is unstable. However, I think he may be the sanest one of us all. Is that not odd? Should something happen to me, you should lean upon him.

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"I did not know he thought of me like that," Cassander said as he stared at the city, or what he could see of it from where he sat upon the balcony. The sun almost blinded him but he could not move. Something was awakening inside of him. He enjoyed it, no matter the fact that he had forgotten what feeling was.

"We all think you are a murdering treacherous snake," Alexander replied quietly. His throat had to be burning by now. He had read and read, never drinking, and his lips were cracking. He even refused to lick him. Cassander glanced over at his cup once more. It would satisfy him if he at least took one small sip. Then he would know he had done what he could. It would benefit no one for Alexander to die here.

"I meant that he trusted me."

"It does?"

"Like you say," he laughed. "You all think I am a murdering treacherous snake. He should have too. I almost hated him."

"I assumed that you did."

"No," Cassander said as he lifted his own cup to his lips. He drank, feeling his own throat throbbing. It was getting harder and harder to speak. He did not wish to speak more of Hephaestion. It was beginning to hurt.

"I did not hate him," he continued despite the fact he wanted them to go back to being completely silent. "No one could hate Hephaestion. We could of course make jokes about your relationship, call him a whore, be jealous and envious of him, and we could dislike him. By Hades, I even said to his face that I hated him. Yet I never could hate him, none of us could, because he was what he was. He was Hephaestion. There will never be another like him."

"He was perfect."

"There is no such thing. He had his flaws. We all do. But perhaps his flaws were the ones we look at and do not see as flaws. Perhaps he loved too much, not just you, but the world and everything in it. He was perfect, because he was the diplomat of us all that wanted to help the men we conquered, but because of his perfection he was weak. He forgot to hate."

"It was not in him to hate."

"It should have been, and he would have been stronger. However, he would then not have been Hephaestion."

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"Do I make you happy," he asked suddenly. An awkward silence filled the room. It was the fist time he had ever wanted to have a conversation with him. Before, he had done the speaking, but not much of it. The question completely threw Bagoas off. He stared at Alexander for a moment, his big brown eyes like those of a doe, and he blinked a few times.

"Yes, my lord, you make me happy."

"Do you mean it? Be honest with me Bagoas. Do I make you happy?"

"My heart is like butterfly when I see you," he said in terrible Greek. Alexander almost smiled, but could not bring himself to do so. He ran a hand across Bagoas' cheek. He so wished he could be touching Hephaestion instead though. It was unfair, since it was not Bagoas' fault, but it was what he was truly feeling.

"If I displease you, ever, would you tell me?"

"If you wished it."

"Tell me, when I make you sad. Can you do that for me?"

Bagoas nodded and Alexander ran a hand over his cheek once more. He then rolled onto his side. His back was to Bagoas, who was silent, and just stared at his paler skin. If he were to be honest, he would have said he hurt then. Yet he could not say that. It was unspeakable. Instead he waited until he was sure Alexander was asleep. Then he quietly left the room, knowing that Alexander did not love him, which was likely while he closed his eyes now when they made love. He did not wish to see him. He yearned to see Hephaestion instead.

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Alexander, 25, December, 330

Arachosia. Another city that you have taken. Another one I know in days that we must leave. I had a dream last night, and have only gotten a chance to write of it now. Do you remember when we were younger as vividly as I do? I recall your favorite story, of which you keep a book of under your pillow to this day. The story of the wondrous Achilles and his beloved companion Patroclaus. I dreamt of them I suppose, yet through us, since you have taken Achilles' place and say that I have taken Patroclaus'.

In my dream, you had conquered the east, as far as the east goes. You were so glad. Everyone was in a joyous mood. There was a feast, which I saw in a blur, where you celebrated your victory. The men celebrated the fact that soon they would be able to travel home. Next, I saw in this vision of a dream that he traveled across the desert. I believe that we were in Ecbatana when I began to view the dream slowly. Life stilled. You and I were together and things were so wonderful. It is all that I have ever wanted, just to be with you.

Yet I know that I died, shortly after you whispered that I was enough for you. I am not sure what happened. One moment I was lying wrapped in your arms and in the next instant I saw myself lying on a bed. You were crying, and I knew by the blank stare in my eyes what had happened. Patroclaus had left Achilles. I had left you, my love, and I do not even know why. However I quickly awoke.

Maybe I did not see a dream. Perhaps it was more of a vision of what was to come. I do not fear it though because I have always known that I shall be the one to go first. I have never feared it. It is just something that I have known. So, should you be reading this and I am not with you, there is so much that you need to know.

I have always loved you. I knew that I loved you from the first time that I saw you. You were such a brat when we met. So full of yourself, but in a confident way, even though it put others off. But I loved you all the more.

I never have stopped loving you. There are times when I wish I could. I know that there are times when you wished that you could stop loving me. No matter what I have said, or may say later, I do love you. I could never stop loving you. If I were to do so I know that I would shortly after take my last breath. You are what I live for, you, and you alone Alexander.

You also must know that you are great Alexander. You are the only thing that this retched world has provided that is worth something. It should be yours just because of that. Your mother and your father loved you Alexander, even though they did not know how to tell you so, or did not show it. Everyone loves you. Even your enemies admire you, and love you, just as I do. You must know this. I fear that without me, you will not know love. But it is all around you. For I shall always cling to your heart, will always be in your soul, and I will wait for you when I go. I shall walk with Hades for years if I have to but I shall not abandon you, as you fear that I one-day will.

Simply know, Alexander, that I love you.