After Jay's initial shock and confusion, memories started coming back to him in a haze. His marriage and life with Hailey still felt more palpable than anything else, but seemingly it was just a pipe dream. He can't believe how much the course of his life changed six months or so ago…
Jay grips his phone harder in frustration, annoyed they're still having this kind of conversation. He's starting to wonder what happened to the girl he was falling in love with, the best partner and friend he ever had.
"May I remind you that the whole purpose of you being placed in New York with that FBI taskforce was to get you to stop acting and thinking so much like Voight. That was his whole reason of sending you there, trying to bring you, the real you, back to us."
"I am still me, Jay! I just don't understand why Vanessa should have to pay for my screwup? I'm the one who went after Gael, not her. You guys have enough on his crew that it wouldn't be crossing lines to just arrest them all."
"It's for her own good, Hailey. She volunteered to go under. She's good at it."
"Yeah, but it's my fault she has to resort to that life again. She was finally planting some roots with us. Now she'll basically be a ghost again for who knows how long. If I was back home, things would be different, I'd…"
Jay cuts her off. "You'd what, Hailey? Plant more evidence? Do things the wrong way even if it's for the right reasons? You hated that part of Intelligence when you first joined…"
"Well people change, Jay. You of all people should know that!"
"What's that supposed to mean?" he questions angrily.
He hears her sigh into the phone, and even though he can't see her he can sense the sadness in her voice. "Nothing. It means nothing… listen, O.A. mentioned that his partner Maggie is going to be gone for longer than they thought. They offered me to stay a little longer and continue to work with them if I was interested. I wasn't going to, but maybe I should. Maybe you're right, maybe I need some more time to decide who I really want to be."
Jay can feel his heart breaking. "What!? You were supposed to come home next week… I took the day off, we planned the whole day…"
"I know, but maybe it's for the best. If I come back now I'll just end up feeling more guilty over Vanessa, especially being alone in the apartment, and maybe it's the right move for us. I mean we've spent nearly every waking moment together for the past three years and yet still, there's always something that comes up in our way. Maybe some more time apart is what we need."
"So what you're really saying, Hailey, is you're running away again. You know, once upon a time it was you keeping me in line and trying to make me realize all the good right in front of me, it's ironic how that seemed to flip, isn't it?"
There's a long pause on Hailey's end, when finally, resigned, she says, "It's only another seven weeks, Jay."
Jay swallows hard. "Yeah, you're right. Fine. Listen, I got to go, I'll call you tomorrow."
"Jay, come on!" she says almost desperately.
"No, it's okay, Hailey. I get it. I just need some time too, so I'm going to hang up now."
"Good night, Jay."
He can't see her face, but he's certain he can envision her look and it's almost enough to break his resolve. But he's been broken enough times before, that for once he has to try to protect his heart, because no matter what happened in the past, no one and nothing ever had a hold on him like she did. And if he doesn't protect himself now, losing her would not be something he'd ever be able to come back from.
"Good night, Hailey." He whispers back just before hanging up.
He shoves his phone back into his jeans and grabs his jacket before rushing out of his apartment. He needs to get out. He needs to clear his head, so he heads to the nearest bar. It's been a while since he's come to a bar without Hailey, and if not with her, with the rest of the team. But maybe a change tonight is just what he needs. The bar he chose is kind of busy for a Wednesday night, but he manages to pull up a stool towards the corner. The bartender is helping customers down at the other end, so he waits patiently.
"You look like you could use a drink!" he hears a voice say behind him and a woman in her late 20's or early 30's sidles up next to him, waving her hand towards the bartender.
"Usually, the purpose of coming to a bar." He smirks at her sarcastically. He's not really in the mood. But the muscle memory of a past him returns. Easy nights of picking up girls in bars, and cocky flirting, that he spent years doing after the army. Until he got kind of serious with Erin. And even right after her it returned in him for a bit, until he started growing closer to Hailey. Until they slowly became friends. Then best friends. Then he soon realized there really wasn't any other woman worth his time, and he was content spending it with Hailey, even if it stayed in friend zone form. Which he thought he was finally out of. He thought the two of them were finally ready to let go of their fears, but clearly life had other plans, as it usually does in his world. So he gives this woman his best smirk again and reaches out his hand to shake hers. "Jay." He says.
She chuckles at the forwardness, but shakes his hand. "Trish. Lucky for you, Jay, I know the bartenders here."
Sure enough, right as she says that the bartender comes rushing over to them. Three drinks later the retention of taking home a random girl comes back just as easily. The days and weeks just seem to flow from there. It's just the distraction he needed, even if there was a huge part of him that still laid depressed, knowing it wasn't the woman he really wanted or needed…
He also remembers the part of having to break the news to Hailey. He thought of waiting to do it in person once she got home, but he knew he couldn't wait that long to tell her. He owed her that much. So it was a phone conversation three weeks later when he confessed he met someone and was giving it a try. She tried to cover her emotions in her voice, but he could tell. He always could with her, read her like a book. He knew he upset her, but she tried to play it off that she was happy for him. He hated himself, but he was just too scared of getting hurt again. Hailey returned home a month after that and they went back to being partners and friends, but it was clear things were different now. They didn't spend practically every night together anymore, they couldn't. And he found that on really bad case days, she had started to spend them with Kim now, instead of him. He got it. He really did. And he gave her the space she needed. He owed it to her, and to Trish.
Now it's a couple weeks since his accident and he's finally getting released from the hospital. It's been hard coming to terms with this reality, when he so vividly remembers waking up with Hailey and holding her in his arms every day. He can almost taste the vows he swore he uttered, "From this day forward, I choose to join my life with yours…" But he realizes he blew that chance out the window and this dream vision or whatever he had must be his punishment. It's not lost on him though that it's her, his partner, as the one picking him up today. He didn't want it to be anyone else, he didn't care how it looked.
"Not that I'm complaining, because you know I'd much rather make sure you're listening to the doctor's advice myself, but I'm still surprised you didn't have Trish or Will take you home." Hailey says to him from her driver's seat as she drives them back to his apartment.
"Well, you were the one who took me home the last time I got shot, it only seemed appropriate." He grins at her.
She rolls her eyes. "How about we not talk about just how many times you find yourself in these situations." She teases back, then gets a thoughtful look. "But seriously, you're sure Trish was fine with me getting you? I'd hate more to get added to your plate."
It was no secret between the two of them that his girlfriend was a little intimated by how close they were. Hailey had gone out of her way to be nice to her, but everyone knew she still didn't trust the relationship Hailey and Jay shared.
"Umm. I actually told her Will was taking me home." Jay admits quietly.
"What? Jay, why would you do that?"
"Because I don't want to deal with the third degree-ing right now and I really wanted it to be you…"
"Jay…"
"Look, I'm sorry. I just… you're the only one who understands what I need in these situations and I figured why cause any unnecessary drama. It doesn't have to mean more than that."
Hailey nods slowly. "Alright. Well, I guess since I'm having your baby, it's the least I can do!"
"Not funny!" Jay laughs.
"A little bit." She smirks at him. "I'm glad they had you on the good drugs when you first woke up."
"Yeah…" he whispers, silently thinking to himself.
"I'm really glad I'm taking you too, Jay. You really did scare me, again."
He can tell from her side profile she's trying to hold back tears. He reaches his hand for hers over the console and strokes it softly with his.
"I'm sorry… but you should know by now it will take a lot more to get rid of me. I'm like a growth on an old person's ass that won't go away."
She chuckles through her tears. "Like that gum I couldn't get off my running shoe…"
"Like the stickiness of a bar drop mat at an Ibiza club on New Year's Eve…"
They laugh easily as they go on before they stop to pick up some pizza to take back to his place. Jay settles back into his apartment and they spend hours hanging out, laughing and bantering, and for a little while at least, in the quiet of that night, it's as if old Hailey and Jay are back…
[A/N: Thanks so much for reading and the positive response, you guys are awesome! Hope this chapter keeps you intrigued too...]
