Author: Baliansword
Chapter: 8, "Roxanne"
H/N: The letter below is coming from 328 BC. During this year Alexander campaigned in Bactra, where he met Roxanne. Of course, as you know, he married her. Hephaestion, of course, was taken aback by this. Historically Alexander also asked many of his men, especially his closest generals, to marry Bactran and Persian women. This was Alexander's idea of uniting the kingdoms. However, these letters show that perhaps it got Alexander no further with his goal.
A/N: As always, I love your reviews. I must say a special thank you to Arlad who has reviewed all of my chapters up to date. I greatly appreciate the input. Everyone else, of course, thank you too! Without my readers I would be nothing.
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Alexander,
There is a great deal for me to say that I fear I never will. Arriving here has been the best, and the worst, thing ever to come between us. I gave you the ring today, the one which I have been carrying since Siwah. I still remember the words that the man I bought it from recited to me. Even though they were fresh in my mind, when I presented the ring to you, I know that I messed up every word. I could feel myself shaking and I am sure that you did too. I know however, that what I did say, I meant with all of my heart.
To me, you are the sun. I wake thinking of only you, knowing that there would be no world for me without you, and I fall asleep knowing that the next day I shall wake the same. There is nowhere that I have ever wanted to be apart from by your side. I shall never wish to be elsewhere either. For the stars, which you say that I am, are always chasing the sun. They try to catch one another, constantly following, and never stopping even when they grow restless. That is why they still love one another.
That is why I still love you. I continue to pursue you across these lands, never leaving your side, knowing that if I were to do such I would loose you. I cannot loose you to this world that you love so much so I remain in it. I remain even when I wonder what it would be like to stop or go back. Yes, I am like the stars, for I never stop. There is no need to because you are all that I have. I still love you because I have never truly had you.
You may think and say that I belong to only you. Yet I know better and I am content with it Alexander. For too many years I sat thinking of how to contain you. Now, being older and wiser from all of this perhaps, I know better. You can never be caged and I was wrong to want you to be. You are a free spirit, just like the sun, and you will never be caged for it would only bring about your death. So I shall not cage you. Instead, I follow, and I do so knowing I can never own you.
Since you are not mine, I love you all the more I realize. Everyday I wake and I think of another reason for you to need me. I think of another way to make you want me. If ever I knew that you would never perhaps not need me, I would not worry so much. Then, since I would stop working so hard, you truly would not need me. Then the sun and the stars would collide and there would be nothing left to work for. So I vow to work for our love until the day that I die and beyond that is necessary.
I gave you the ring today because the perfect time I was looking for never came. I should have given it to you in so many places. I should have given it to you in Siwah when you were ecstatically rhapsodic about the words of the oracle. Again I should have given it to you when we claimed Babylon or Persepolis as your own. There were so many times I could have gifted it to you. Yet each time I was either too nervous, too afraid perhaps that it was too bold of me, or even worse. Perhaps I believed, and always have, that you do not love me.
I know that you do though. Yet at times I wonder. Today I wondered as I watched you kneel down and place your hand over hers. Roxanne is something that I cannot even begin to put into words. I feel foolish now for complaining about Bagoas when I see her. He was a threat in his own way. I thought that he could hold onto a piece of your heart as I desperately try to do. Yet suddenly I see her. Never will I tell you what I see in her though. Not when I am breathing at least. Perhaps now I am not though, if you are reading this and I have not lost it, and now you will know.
I am a coward for not saying it to you. This I know and I hope that you will be able to forgive me in your heart. When it comes to leading a legion and charging into the face of battle for you I am not afraid. Yet when I comes to seeing her I am and I know that for such I am weak. But she is not just another woman that you have claimed as your own. She is something different.
She is your mother, Alexander. That is what I see when I look at her. You see the fire burning bright inside of her and call her spirited. You think that maybe she can challenge you where I cannot because I do not have the spirit that you do. However, I do not look at her and see spirit. Instead I see in her what has driven you slightly mad already if not completely so. I see Olympias in her every step, her every breath, her every look, touch, glance, and action.
Roxanne's eyes are cold and heartless but you do not see it yet. You look past it because you think perhaps that you could love her. I wish that you could. I truly do because I know that is what you want. Yet, even now, I know that you never will. It is not in you to conform and that is precisely what you have tried to do.
Your officers, who you call your friends but I am weary of, tell you that you need an heir. They have been saying this for years. I knew the day would come that you would take a wife. It did, it came with Barsine, and when it did I was still glad for you. But at the same time I think I was glad because I knew she was nothing to you. I knew she did not rival me for your heart. When they encouraged you, they never encouraged Roxanne though.
There were only two people that supported your decision to wed Roxanne, Cassander and I, not that it would ever matter what any of us said. Still, I think you conformed. You did not want to marry. I do not think you would even have married her if not for such nagging requests. Perhaps you would have bedded her and taken her with us. Wed, I never think it would have been an option for you.
You do not see it now, but she is what you have run from for all this time. I am not going to tell you these things when you ask me what I think of her. Instead, I will say what I have continued to say. I will tell you that I believe she is a perfect match for the empire. Notice how I have never said a match for you. Just for the empire. Because I suppose that she has the possibility of uniting Bactra and Alexander's Empire.
Doing only what you think is right you have given us all wives, or at least most of your generals. I thank you for thinking it was necessary to betroth me as well. However, you know that I love only you. It would be unfair for me to tell my wife to be that I will love her and cherish her. I cannot lie to her. I will not love and cherish her. I will love and cherish only you. I will honor only you. I will be loyal and faithful only to you. So how could I tell her such? Protect her and make sure her needs are seen to, that I can do, but I cannot love her. I am able to love only you.
What you do not know is that it will never work. The marriages will work only in your presence. Apart from that they will all fail. I know for example that Cassander would never marry a Bactran or a Persian if you were not to force him to do so. Sleep with them, yes, we know that he would. However he would never marry one. I agree with your intentions. Yet I know that, at the same time, it will not work. Never can I say it so bluntly to you. But if you listen closely to my words you would know that it is what I am saying.
I find myself unable to do anything at the moment. I watched the wedding and found myself glad for you. Not for myself, but for you, which is all that I have ever wanted –for you to be happy. Yet afterwards I could not enjoy myself at the lavish feast you held. I could not speak to you, since on one side sat Roxanne, and on the other Bagoas. Both of them could only remind me of the pain that fills my heart, the sorrow that now controls me, even though I try not to give in to it. Since I cannot speak to you and there is no one else here I wish to spend my time with, I sit alone and listen to the silence of the night.
Perhaps we have never heard such a silence. There have of course been nights when I have done this same thing. Yet there was always some sort of sound. There were either the call of the coastal waves nearby, or perhaps the bugs, or even my steady breathing and the beating of my heart. Tonight when I say it is silent I mean it in every way imaginable. I cannot hear any coast for I do not believe I shall ever see one again, which further saddens me, for I did love the breaking waves against the rocky cliffs. Nor do I hear the hum of a single bug, even the ones that bite, and I would wish for them to come even though the sound agitates me. Yet for the first time I cannot breathe, and I can no longer hear my heart beating. I think, that at least for tonight, you have killed me.
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Cassander felt something shake him. Already he knew who it was, but he decided that if he continued to try to sleep he would go away. He was shaken once more before he finally grabbed a pillow and covered his head with it, mumbling that he was not intending to wake. However, he was once again shaken and this time he threw the pillow at the culprit.
"Would you give me some peace," he screamed, angry.
"There is not time for peace," the king said gloomily as he shook him once more. Cassander moaned and batted at him for a moment before finally he rolled onto his back. He muttered that he was getting up and Alexander left his side for a moment. Immediately Cassander closed his eyes, yet water suddenly was thrown upon him.
"Alexander! Have you lost your mind!"
"Probably, but you need to get up."
"I am not penning anything for you. We have plenty of scribes," he yawned as he rolled over despite the fact he was now sopping wet. "They wake up early for you all the time. Leave me alone."
"Cassander," he said in a commanding tone, "get up, now!"
Cassander forced himself out of bed. It was a good thing that he was still wearing his clothes from the night before. Rubbing sleep from his eyes he followed Alexander down the hallway. They continued for what seemed like hours as he rubbed his eyes, yawned, and tried to wake himself up in every way he could. Finally Alexander stopped, pulling him onto a balcony. Cassander stood as his side, waiting for something, yet he said nothing.
Finally it happened. The sun began to peak over the horizon in wondrous colors of red, orange, and yellow. Cassander let his breath release and he continued to watch until the sun was up. It was a blazing ball of natural beauty. Yet, as soon as it had risen, he glanced at Alexander.
"Was that what you woke me for?"
Alexander only nodded.
"Oh."
