A/N: Thanks for the reviews, alerts, and faves! Here we go!
And the momentum builds...
When Yuri cautiously turned her head, she came face-to-face with Ayato Naoi.
Only now the name meant two different things entirely.
[Chapter 03]: Of Two Minds
He studied her, a mix of emotions on his face she wasn't sure she could read, save for confusion. Maybe he was processing what he remembered of her, letting those little Afterlife memories sink in and attach themselves to her face, like she was doing right now.
Those golden eyes – firm and swimming with questions – the ones she fell for because they were so warm and mysterious and captivating – were more hypnotic than she once thought. Considering the time she spent with him in the Afterlife, if anyone told her she would one day like lying underneath Naoi, she would've hit them. But this… this was just… he was looking at her so intensely, she didn't know what to think.
"You…" he muttered in an unbearably husky voice, but nothing trailed after it. His eyes were studying her under knitted brows, still taking her in, as if recognizing her and simultaneously seeing her for the first time.
"You," she breathed, and almost smacked herself for sounding so breathless and blushing, like someone out of a damn romance novel. She wasn't a schoolgirl with a crush, she was his wife.
It was in that moment that he seemed to recognize the position they were still in—him on top of her, their limbs entangled with the foreshadowing of what they were about to do before they were rudely interrupted. Licking her lips nervously, she stared up at him, trying to predict his next move. His searching eyes fell on her neck, and she sucked in a breath. His lips curved into a deep frown that matched the strange look he was giving her. Then he leaned down…
…and a flash of lightning illuminated the entire room, so close that a ground-shaking boom of thunder followed a millisecond later, making Ayato jump and reel back. He scrambled off of her, into a sitting position on the other end of the couch. But apparently that wasn't enough space for him, because he leapt to his feet, heart pounding, and backed himself up a few steps toward the wall.
She stood up too, uneasiness rising in her chest as she took her turn at observing him. He was Naoi and exactly how she remembered him, but she could also tell how different this life had been for him, how it had taken its toll. He was older and missing the cap and uniform, but even without it he stood taller, with – usually – a happier glint in his eye since he'd cut off ties with his father. Usually.
Instead, she could see him across the room, and maybe it was the way he was shrouded in darkness, but the teasing, happy glint she was used to was currently unrecognizable, clouded by scrutiny and suspicion. He looked almost angry in a wary sort of way. Why was he glowering in the shadows like that?
"What," he demanded, still narrowing his eyes at her.
A twinge of annoyance bit at her heart that he'd been the one to break the silence, especially since he had started it in the first place.
"What do you mean 'what'?" she said, folding her arms across her chest. "You're the one acting like I just confessed to a murder."
"Do you remember who I am?" he asked, approaching her a couple of steps.
She snorted. "Of course I do. You're Ayato Naoi."
"No, I mean—"
"I know exactly what you mean." She took a small step of her own, maintaining eye contact. "You meant, do I remember you from the Afterlife?" Another step. "You got your memories back from the song too, didn't you?"
He nodded. "I remember everything."
"Hence the part where you scrambled off of me."
Another lightning strike lit up the room, giving her a good look at the crimson that streaked across his face. His hands clenched into fists. "Let's not speak of it."
So that's what it was. He'd switched to a Naoi mindset, and the very mention of intimacy with her was unspeakable. He didn't want her. He was disgusted by her. It made her heart clench and her blood boil with restrained anger. He didn't have to be such an ass about it!
Wasn't there any part of him that was still fond of her? Since when was she so terrible in his eyes? What the hell was his deal? It didn't have to be this way.
"Are you seriously going to be like this now?" she said, managing to steady her voice.
"Like what?" he snarled defensively.
His hostility took her aback. This wasn't something she was used to from him at all, not even from Naoi. She wasn't prepared for this pain, wasn't accustomed to it, but she swallowed hard and attempted to continue. "Like this. Like… like you're-"
He closed the distance between them, only to get in her face.
"Like I finally came to my senses?" he hissed. "What did you think we were going to do after this? Now that we know who we're dealing with here."
Came to his senses, was that it? Her heart clenched painfully. That was what it felt like for him, to wake up married to Yuri Nakamura. His disgust was him "coming to his senses." He wasn't going back to the Husband mindset. He wasn't going to be Ayato tonight.
But he was Ayato, wasn't he? And she was Yuri. She was always Yuri, they'd just gotten to know each other better.
I'm the same woman you married was on the tip of her tongue, but that would be too sappy and dangerous at a time like this, so she swallowed that down too. She wasn't going to beg. Yuri Nakamura never begged. Not like that.
But why… why was caring for her such a horrible thing? Even if he was dwelling on his Afterlife memories and feelings, she thought… she thought he cared for her at the end, even just a little. She thought they were friends, friends who graduated together, who said goodbye and hoped to meet again. Now they had, and just because they happened to be married, he was throwing a fit?
He was pushing her away, when... when she would have embraced him.
This wasn't like many other marital spats. This one left a bitter taste in her mouth. He was really starting to piss her off, the way he was treating her in this ridiculous situation, when she already had a bit of a headache.
"We really dodged a bullet, didn't we?" His snide tone snapped her attention back to him. When she gave him a questioning, thin-lipped look, he went on. "With that negative pregnancy test."
Her heart sunk, the way he said it. It was a reminder…
Earlier this evening, she'd wanted to have his kid so badly. She'd wanted to for a while. Hearing and thinking about that reminded her of how much she'd loved him. Now, it was like he was mocking her.
"What..." She tried to be detached yet direct, but failed, cursing herself as she choked on the word. She composed herself with a deep breath. "What exactly are you saying?"
He scoffed at her. He was definitely mocking her now, like he expected her to understand. At least that meant he'd considered her intelligent.
"This," he gestured to the room, the house, the two of them, "means nothing, now that we have our memories back. It's a lie."
The room fell silent, but thankfully the gushing rain outside their window was louder than her ragged intake of breath. This life… their relationship… was he saying…?
He turned away from her, avoiding her eyes by going to the window and watching the downpour.
"It's lucky you aren't pregnant. We wouldn't want a child to be born out of false love."
Yuri felt her throat close up. False love… False love, he called it. The seven years of happiness she had in this life weren't real.
He was saying that… that he didn't…
Her vision blurred with tears. Lightning rippled outside their window, shining light on the twitch of his mouth as he gripped the window sill with his eyes on the storm.
And he added lowly, just loud enough for her to hear, "Wouldn't want to put a child through the trouble of a divorce either."
She hoped the roar of thunder that followed had adequately muffled the sound of her heart breaking. Because to her it sounded almost exactly like the armful of his pottery vases shattering into pieces on the floor all those years ago.
At the same time, she could also hear about a thousand of her old walls being rebuilt, shooting up around her like a fortress even though the damage had already been done. The only thing she needed protecting was destroyed.
She'd trusted him with her heart for seven years, and she let him hold it for too long after they'd gotten their memories back, and now he decided he didn't want it because of who she really was to him.
And – and maybe they were different, because Afterlife Yuri would never have let someone in like this, would she? She would have kept her walls up, pushed everyone away if they got as close as he did. She would have been unable to love anyone as much as she loved and grieved for her siblings… until she did. She did end up caring for everyone as much as she loved her family. And that had included Naoi, but… but God, he really didn't ever care, did he?
As fearless leader, she couldn't let him see her break in front of him. She'd be damned if she looked like the weak one here.
Instead, she forced a passive, neutral expression, kept a level head. "You want a divorce?"
"I believe that's what I just implied."
If he wanted a divorce, she'd give it to him. She wouldn't stay married to someone who didn't care about her, who remembered her and suddenly wanted to get rid of her.
"Fine." Yuri yanked the wedding ring off her finger. "I didn't realize you hated me that much. I'll get the papers in the morning. In the meantime, take this worthless thing." She tossed the ring onto the coffee table. It hit the surface with a sharp ting and a clatter that made Ayato turn around in surprise, then rolled off onto the floor.
She stared at it lying there on the carpet, a small golden band that had been on her finger for the majority of three years, a ring she remembered being slipped on her hand by the man who told her father he'd love her forever.
It's a lie.
She glanced up and met his eyes. He was staring back at her, and the way he looked at her — the difference — made her feel like she was drowning, suffocating in this house. She needed to get out now. If he hated her, then damn it, she hated him too, and she couldn't look at him anymore. When she looked at him, she just saw… Shit, she had to get out of here. Yuri broke the connection, turned on her heel, and stormed down the hallway towards the foyer.
"Where are you going?" Ayato's voice called from the TV room. "I thought you said you'd—"
"Just out. None of your business," she fired back, picking her purse up off the end table. It was none of his business where she went anymore. She bit down hard on her lip when she thought of where she wanted to be right now, the only place she could think of.
She heard his footsteps approaching as she reached the front door. "You can't drive in this weather! It's a mess out there!" He went to close the door, but she held it open because he couldn't stop her.
"Well, look at it this way," she said lightly. "If anything happens to me, you'll be rid of me without the hassle of a divorce."
He glared at her wide-eyed like she'd just slapped him. "Nakamura, you crazy wench, don't—"
She slammed the door shut behind her, stepping off the front porch, and a powerful gust of rain hit her square in the face. As she rushed to her car and slid into the front seat, all she could think of was that she was Nakamura to him. This morning he had said it so affectionately, but just now it had sounded so cold.
Her heart was still pounding and her vision kept blurring. Her eyes stung as she drove away with shaking hands. The road was slick and the windshield wipers barely helped in the torrential rain and darkness, but she couldn't get there fast enough.
Three minutes later, she pulled over near the park and shuffled through the rain on autopilot, feeling damp and numb and cold as soon as she noticed the walking bridge. She didn't know why she needed to be here. It wasn't covered, it wasn't dry, and seeing it only made things worse. They were standing right here on this bridge, leaning against the railing, when he asked her to marry him. And he could have his fucking engagement ring back.
She was cold and wet already, so she didn't give a shit when she sat down in a shallow puddle on the bridge bench that soaked her skirt. The rain stained her hair a deep plum color and matted it to her cheek, and the wind made her shirt stick uncomfortably to her skin, and she was a mess, she felt like a mess, but she didn't care because it was an escape and she needed it. She already felt whipped around and messed up and unable to breathe, so she might as well come here. Here, where nobody in their right mind would come in this weather.
Here, where she'd always felt loved and comforted and… and one, complete, content person.
Now, she was stuck between two people, two minds, suffering because God help her she couldn't tell which mind was the right one. As hard as she tried, she couldn't escape one of them, the one Ayato believed was very, very wrong.
Ayato… he was still Ayato to her. And he was Naoi. He was Ayato Naoi and she was Yuri and that hadn't changed. It never did. So how could their memories destroy what they had so suddenly? How could he…? Why did he…?
It was raining harder now, thunder was roaring and so was the wind, whipping her hair around and matting more of it against her cheeks. She couldn't breathe, but it wasn't just because of the weather. Her heart hurt, it was beating fast and it hurt because she felt dizzy and she might throw up. Her throat closed up again, and she was trying so hard to hold it back but she choked on a sob.
And that was it for her. She was sobbing, gasping for breath between pitiful cries until her chest ached. She let herself cry even though she hated it, hated what it meant, hated the tears coursing down her cheeks without end and mixing and camouflaging with the raindrops. Hated that she couldn't quiet herself, and how her mind flashed to him tipping his hat and declaring that he didn't want to see any womanly tears. Hated how her heart tumbled in her chest as she remembered seeing him cry at graduation and fighting back a smile at his sensitive side.
What sensitive side? Ayato had a sensitive side. Ayato loved her. Naoi hated her. She still heard his words in her head, his cold comments about their hypothetical child, their false love…
Why did it hurt so much? Ayato's false love, Naoi's hate… Somehow learning of his hate pained her just as much as losing Ayato's love. She thought… she thought…
He'd joined the Battlefront, he'd joined them fishing, fought alongside her, given them tips, come to find her in the Guild, even stayed behind to graduate with her. She never hated him. He pissed her off sometimes, but he made her laugh when he teased Hinata, and… and he was really helpful, and smart, and a bit of a wiseass in an endearing way… but he hated her? Apparently enough to want a divorce even after all they'd been through. All the love they'd shared. But Ayato loved her. Ayato said so himself two weeks ago, back when everything was perfect and he gave her the locket to prove it.
Thinking about that night, and their anniversary, when he gave her the locket, the night he told her he loved her and wanted to have a family with her, made her instinctively reach up with trembling fingers and grasp the pendant for comfort. A heart-shaped emerald and amethyst locket, a symbol of their love, of what a good combination they were, of starting a family with someone she trusted… it was whole and beautiful and happy, so unlike her heart, all because the one who gave this to her decide to break her real one.
A flood of grief and anger seized her, and she tightened her grip on the locket, overcome with an urge to rip it right from her neck and throw it into the river below because then maybe she would stop hurting so much. Maybe she'd be free of this headache and this hold he had on her. Maybe it would show how much she didn't care, how much she didn't want to care.
She tugged, but she resisted, she hesitated, and she just… she couldn't do it, she couldn't let go.
And what that meant… oh God, what that meant…
She gave up and buried into her hands, sobbing harder than ever.
She couldn't let go, because she was still in love with him. Because even if he had fallen out of love with her, even if he didn't want to be her husband and he wouldn't have her as his wife, no matter what he said, he was still Ayato to her. Even if he was Naoi, she… she might very well be in love with him too. She loved every side of him, and that was the worst part. She never stopped, and she probably never would.
And it wasn't fair, her sitting out here bawling her eyes out over this painful love epiphany while he'd gone and dropped all his feelings for her, if they even existed. She loved him so much it was breaking her, and he didn't care at all.
Part of her wished he'd know she was here, and come after her. Even if it was just to see if at the very least she hadn't crashed the damn car or something.
He didn't come after her. And that was that.
A/N: I give myself established Naoi/Yuri, and then proceed to rip it out from under me. Why must I crave that angst...
Thanks for reading this far; let me know what you liked in a review!
~Caroline
Preview:
"You're babying her, Ryou!"
"Will you at least eat something?"
"Maybe if there was actual magic that could get him out of my head…"
"The most painful of afflictions."
"I just… don't want to love him anymore."
"It'll be like he never even existed."
"You know I can't stay here."
[Chapter 04]: A Magic Cure.
