Memoirs of a Shinobi
High above the swaying trees that surround the Village Hidden in the Leaves, stands a person alone, face masked with unreadability as he stares into the distant horizon. He knows of your death, yet is waiting to be 'informed' of it, to confirm that you're really gone. His eyes are crushed and defeated, his heart heavy and tired while he waits. The anticipation is growing, sinking, settling in. The tension is spreading underneath his skin like a virus. For once his intelligence will gain him nothing but pain and loss. He realizes what a burden truth can be.
Burden of Truth
+Shikamaru+
its too late to ask the servant of darkness, his eyes crushed sable darkness.
ask if he's crying, although its too late for his answer, as they close.
heavy lids to heavier rain, everyone falls but they just wont get up.
been blind and now no one can see. leave behind the winter flourish,
ice beckoning, don't give up yet. cascading down waterfalls that only carry blood…
There was something, always something, that said it would end like this. There was a part of my mind that constantly reminded me that this was going to happen, and I would eventually have to set down all of my thoughts protecting me and face the reality of the life I chose. But I never really wanted to believe that it would end like this, so suddenly, so young. I never wanted to know that life could end so abruptly while you weren't surrounded by friends but by enemies; not in your sleep or in your old age but in the daytime where you could see the faces you fought but you couldn't see your death speeding towards you like a bullet train and it nailed you straight in the soul.
There was a day when I stood under the clear cerulean sky, looking out over Konoha from the Hokage monument, that I realized the deepness of your connection with me. There was a day when someone came up to me, and I knew what the scroll they held said inside, written in coal black ink, deliberate, slow strokes repeating the news of your death to eyes that wanted so badly not to believe. There was a day when the empty sky of sapphire never looked so dark with heavily ominous clouds that were simply phantoms of an imagination that knew reason too well. There was a day when life just simply should have stopped when you had; when the waxen foliage on gnarled trunks towering over everyone should have paused in their ripple of wind; when all life should have frozen, knowing deep within their heart of hearts, that something horrible had happened.
There was a day, when you died, Naruto.
And I wish that day had never come. I wished so hard then, on all the candles of birthdays past, when I had wasted their fiery glow on petty things, wishes that would never come true; I wished so badly that he would turn away from me, the sky growing clear again, while I stayed calm and still inside. Knowledge is a wonderful thing to earn and a terrible thing to waste; but intelligence and intuition, in part of the truth, is a curse sometimes when you just don't want to know anything anymore, you don't want the truth, you want to be soothed by lies. And I wished so hard that I didn't know anything, that this hunch would not come true, that you would not die. But not all wishes come true, and the news came to my ears whether I wanted to hear it or not. Naruto, he has… passed on. Killed in action, I do believe… The Hokage wishes for your presence at once, Nara-san.
To hell with the Hokage. To hell with it, I didn't care. I turned on my heel and left, not to the Hokage tower as per requested, but towards the forest, to lose myself in the soft darkness under the heavy leaves that paint shadows, swirling in a vortex around my feet as my eyes are heavily lidded with weariness.
The spines of the mountains that arch up in front of me now remind me of a dragon, aching to touch the sky, feet bound to the soil beneath their claws, with chains that run deeper than the earthen core. The sleeping dragons are struggling to free themselves from the bonds that bind them, and fly free with their heavy, lacquered wings stretching far across the sky instead of forming the gentle slope of the mountain, veins protruding like crests of an ocean flowing down the earthen face. I know I am near to where you fought, I can feel it. I can feel where the enemies' blood trickled down the slopes of this mountain, caressing cold skin as it flowed past and sunk into the earth to make its way to the clear stream waters.
Tension growing in my chest, I sped on, leaves rustling above me in the waves of the wind that blew over the forest. Thick foliage over my head, coupled with the early afternoon sun, created startling shapes of jade color on the deep green grass that grew beneath the trees. I ignored this, the patterns of sun splaying across my skin before flitting away as I flew forward, dodging trunks and branches that whipped leaves at my face. There was a heavy stench of blood and death that hung in the air between the trees, and although I didn't have the nose of Kiba or Akamaru, I could smell the distinctive metallic odor before I reached the site of your destruction. A surge of adrenaline pushed me forward and I went with it, doubling my speed before stopping abruptly as the smell faded slightly. Turning, I jumped into a dusty clearing nearby, looking around for signs of a fight that were evident on all the trees nearby.
There were definite signs of a battle all around the clearing, and they were distinctive and open, so it was no ambush. You had a chance to fight against those who attacked you, knew who they were, knew their faces. If only you had lived for a little while longer, we could have figured out the identity of your attackers, and killed them justly in your name. If only you had lived, there wouldn't be any mystery to this day, to this life; there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind that you were alive and my friend. If only you had lived I would be watching the clouds flit by above my head, wondering only if I would get a mission soon, or what was for dinner. If only you had lived, I wouldn't be standing here, speculating how you could have died when you were so strong, so alive last I saw you, had such a strong affinity with life that nothing could have killed you, like nothing could kill the sun on a summer's day.
But something breaks this milk-white fantasy that I try holding up around my eyes and ears, blocking me from the full effects of this pain, blunting the knowledge of truth. I see, on one of the thick trunks of an oak nearby, a slanted gash that runs from a high branch, towards the ground, before creating a huge chasm in the earth at the trees roots. Recognizing this style of fighting with huge sweeps and large gashes from a few years ago, I turn, eyes flitting up and down the trunks of nearby trees, seeing similar marks. I know this fighting style… I think as I see lines on the ground, made by something wide and made of metal, but light. The scrape runs diagonally from my feet, and I wander down the dusty ground along side it, until I'm standing in approximately the middle of the mark.
As I scrunch down until I'm about at her estimated height, I imagine myself with a tall fan, almost as tall as me, and run the end of it around in a line. Opening my eyes, I can see the imaginary line that I made, and it's almost exactly the same length as the one really gouged into the earth. Temari… I think, and narrow my eyes. Where there's one sand-nin, there's another… Looking around me, I see a tree marked with thin lines that seemed burned into its trunk, probably by chakra strings. I walk over to it, and run my fingers up and down the ridges, as if taking in the essence of the chakra that made the burns. My finger catches on something sharp, and I immediately withdraw my hand and glare at whatever cut it. It's a tiny dart, probably poisoned before, and it's made a hole in the bark where it killed the tree. I pull it out cautiously, for it could probably still have poison on its tip, and inspect it. Flayed ridges run up and down the metal sides, like shark teeth, and I recognized the craftsmanship immediately.
Kankouro and Temari... But what about Gaara? Wait… didn't the Kazekage send Tsunade-sama a message about Temari and Kankouro running away after Gaara became the kage because they couldn't stand him doing something good for the village, and joined Otogakure instead? So its otonins who made this mess… I concluded angrily, and threw the dart, disgusted, to the ground. Grinding my teeth, I made my way into the middle of the clearing, looking around at the signs of the battle. I could close my eyes and imagine…
Temari leapt ahead of the group, seeing a flash of orange up a clearing before them; the wide fan she carried upon her back, held in place by her thick belt, banging against her skull as she arched her head to inspect the clearing without moving anymore. She motioned to her comrades to form a semi circle around the pair in the clearing, and snuck one eye around the trunk to spy on the two. What she saw shocked her, or at least the little she saw, to say the least. Naruto was holding onto someone, seemingly kissing them fiercely, and she watched, bewildered as to the reason behind this sudden act of passion. Shouldn't he be afraid of being killed by the sound-nin?
She learned the true reason behind the kiss, because the person Naruto was holding, slumped a moment later and collapsed to the ground without another word. Naruto was left standing, hands motionless as they were before on the other's shoulders, before sighing heavily. He pulled a scroll from a breast pocket on his torn and dirty olive-green vest. Biting his thumb, he pulled the scroll open, spreading the sticky red liquid over the characters, without a word. The scroll rolled shut, and he slapped it closed completely, before performing a series of hand seals, a summoning spell. This alerted Temari, and she motioned to her comrades urgently, and they moved in for the kill.
Suddenly, there was a large poof of smoke, and a medium-sized frog appeared amid the smoke a moment later, coughing and glaring at Naruto. Naruto appeared to be saying something to the frog, motioning with his hands to the person at his feet and to the back of the frog. The amphibian looked from the body to Naruto, questioning in his gaze as his eyes flitted from the shinobi that had summoned him to the unconscious person, but Naruto just shook his head. Naruto said something once more and Temari's gaze flickered up towards her companions to where they were hiding in the trees. This was… strange… Turning her attention back to Naruto, who had gotten the unconscious form of someone onto the frog's back, and was telling him to go back.
"Go! I told you already, you don't have enough strength to carry us both! Just go to the village and make sure no one attacks you!" Naruto cried, motioning in the direction of the village, not far away, yet far enough away so he couldn't make it there quick enough.
"But, Naruto-san! You'll surely be killed! My summoning must have taken all of your chakra, especially after all that running and hiding you had to do! Come on, I can carry you both! Get on!" The frog retorted, motioning with one of its webbed feet to his back.
"No. I said to go back to the village. I'm sure I'll meet you there, just GO!" Naruto snapped angrily, and turned in the direction of Temari and her partners, as if he knew time was short.
"But—"The frog began, but Naruto cut it off sharply.
"JUST GO NOW!" Naruto yelled, and the frog, taking one last look at him, turned and ran away, the body on its back moaning ever so slightly as it hopped.
Turning to his enemies, face painted with shadows, Naruto growled deep in his throat, and Temari was reminded that Naruto too held a Demon within his stomach. And this demon it seemed, was just itching to be released, and Temari knew, without a doubt, that it loved blood just as much as Shukaku. Blood was what it had fed upon, lived upon before its downfall, and she knew that the time spent caged within Naruto had not dampened its desires, in fact, it probably had alleviated them. However, Temari had a mission to complete, and so she motioned to her comrades and they attacked as one…
I opened my eyes abruptly as I imagined the fight between you, Temari, Kankouro, and whoever else they brought along, as they surelydid, evidence marks all around me.I couldn't stand to see how you were killed, even if it was only in my mind. My mind, which had been thoroughly deprived of an imagination before as daydreams I could dismiss with knowledge, except now this was the truth, could now imagine every kunai thrown, every blow exchanged. I could see you as you fought, chakra stores depleted, even the Kyuubi's chakra running low, still vicious and unrelenting in your movements. Blue eyes narrowed in concentration, senses painfully aware of every cut and bruise on your body, watching, waiting for the enemy to make a move.
I could see you fight, but I couldn't stand to see you die. Seeing you die would make me believe that you actually were dead, and this wasn't just some strange dream that I would wake from, underneath the skies of blue as clouds drifted by. Blunt as my mind tried to be in telling me that you were dead, the protections I had set up against such things, such beliefs that were troublesome and trivial in comparison to the full picture of life and love and happiness, were too strong to be broken. My logic had denied me its presence, and I clung just to a shred of my previous existence, struggling not to fall into the impenetrable darkness of realization.
Unfortunately, this shred was brutally cut off as a glinting across the clearing caught my eye, and I drifted towards it, feet heavy and eyes tired. I bent down and picked up the object, and knew immediately that I shouldn't have. It was the First Hokage's necklace, then Tsuande's, then yours. You wore it always around your neck, proud to display what little wealth you had or it was just extremely special to you and you wanted to keep it close. I guessed the latter, as you always explained that it was 'Tsunade-baba's but she gave it to me 'cause I mastered a new jutsu!' and never once told anyone about how much it was worth, how it could have bought out the village since the metal it was created out of was so rare.
That's the way you always were with your friends, you knew the rarity of them for you, and kept them close as to not let them escape. But Sasuke escaped, and you were crushed; you were so different after the failed attempt to bring him home. Neji said you were the only one who could draw him out of the darkness, yet you failed, and you knew it. You believed that your friendship with Sasuke would be enough to keep him from going to Orochimaru, and the strength to beat Itachi. But it wasn't, and you lost your faith in friendships then. You retreated within yourself, never really talked to anyone anymore, even Sakura, the only other person on your broken team. Everyone you were close to started to fade away, like Sasuke's memories and eyes in the darkness of his flight. Your buoyant personality shriveled and died, you hardly smiled anymore, and your eyes were sable and defeated. I never once saw you cry, but I knew that inside, and on nights when you were alone, that's all you could do to stop yourself from dying on the outside.
Even with all of my intelligence and thought, I could not bring you back. I hardly understand anything about the human persona, I have to admit, and I know even less about emotions and feelings. So even with my IQ of over 200, my intense loyalty to anyone who was close to me, I couldn't do anything. You were my friend after the first Chuunin exam, and we grew closer over the years as the aftermath of Sasuke's betrayal left you in need of someone to depend on; after your best friend left for a perverted bastard and the girl you liked as a young teenager went onto bigger and better things. Both left you behind in each their own way, and you wanted so badly for them to return to you, your heart was breaking in your chest, it was bleeding, and you couldn't do anything to stop it. There was honestly nothing I could do, and I watched you as you started to fade away, withdrawing and turning inward because the people you had trusted had both betrayed and left you without a second thought in your direction.
You wanted to die so strongly for a while there; all along these years you wished to die because of discrimination, the unfairness of it all, the Kyuubi being sealed inside of you. You craved death, the blood that would trickle from your lips as you whispered goodbye to those that were never around. Something had broken within you when Sasuke left, and although you tried being yourself, it was just a simple façade, a cheap wooden mask to hide behind that never really worked. You never really healed, your smile, if you ever did smile, was crooked and lopsided, and your eyes were never the same shade again. They darkened to the color of the sunset that I sit in now, and for a while I wondered if they would turn black as night, black as Sasuke's hair and eyes and personality.
I wondered if you really could have saved yourself, kept yourself alive for just a little while longer. I wondered if you just sacrificed yourself, not to save the village or your friend, but because you wanted to die so badly. You just wanted to give up, let go, go to sleep and never wake up ever again. I wondered if you wanted to sleep forever in death's velvet embrace, escaping from all of your problems and misgivings and broken hearts, the bleeding of your multiple wounds not enough to kill you, so the last kunai was your own, and not someone else's.
I wondered if you had really broken down, tears falling down your face as you reached into your pouch, digging around until you could feel the kunai's slim handle beneath your fingers. Reaching farther in, you grasped the cloth wrappings tightly, pulled the blade out, and looked at it a moment with appreciative eyes. Goodbye, you whispered, and without another thought, slammed the silver knife into your throat, death claiming you.
But all I could do was wonder, since it was your choice, and you died alone; as alone as you had been all your life, as everyone is in death. For once you were no different than everyone else, and you could claimyour normality withyour final act.You were simply the same in death,yet nothing else as everyone else was, Naruto.
You were special in your own terrifying way.
this chapter makes me sad. see these were supposed to be the memoirs and stuff while in reality learning about narutos death and reflecting on how he affected them. yet shika and naruto were never really close were they? not really... so i made this more of shika learning about death and emotions and Naruto, rather than about himself and what an impact narutos death was on his life. besides shika actually did something, rather than saying it was too troublesome. so that shows u the depth of his devotion? i dont know. besides, shika was always about collecting information and learning about everything else rather than himself... right?
oh well.. sorry kai i didnt make it shikatem, cuz i dont really like them? but ull see.. this is only what shikamaru imagines, since he isnt positive that its true. DAMN just gave it away... XD
next up- when Hinata learns of her love's death, how does she take it? can she lose her temper?and which unlikely person does she turn to in the end?
orrr would u rather i did temari and kankouro or ino and chouji. u tell me. yay. i think shika spread his laziness to me, or its just too late, so im not gonna do reviews this time.. next time.. but thanx neways!
