Memoirs of a Shinobi


Where your reflection should be, where you stare out the window,
You're searching, but what for no one knows, no one can figure it out.
You don't even know as you look out that godforsaken window one more time.
Look at me, I call, but you don't turn, for the rain that sings
Against the panes, enraptures you. For where your reflection should be lies only a shadow.


+Lee+

The White Window

Everything went wrong that day. From the moment I woke up, and put on my green spandex suit backwards, went racing into a wall before getting to the bathroom, and tripped over my feet when I tried to get into the shower; until the moment. The moment I heard.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I was frozen, point-blank, where I stood.

My eyes hurt so badly and my normal happy-go-lucky attitude had dissipated so quickly it was a wonder I was still standing. All the strength in my muscles was stripped away and I wobbled dangerously, rocking back and forth from the balls of my feet to my heels and back again. The rhythm was somehow calming and I forced myself to breathe as I rolled my feet forward, my muscles barely following in a gelatin-like fashion.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, or what I heard, as several minutes had passed since the fateful words had tumbled out of the chuunin's mouth, coming in a soft and broken voice as he took off his hitai-ate. It was so strange hearing your name and died in the same sentence, it just wasn't possible! I believe that everything is possible, that everything can be achieved with hard work and dedication; I believe in everything but this.

I don't believe in death, Naruto, especially for you. You can't be dead! I lunged at the chuunin, grabbing the lapels of his flak jacket and we tumbled to the floor as I landed punch after punch in his unlucky face. You can't be, you can't be, you can't be dead! He has to be lying; there is no way that you're dead.

"Where is he?" I bellowed at the chuunin beneath me. "Who took him? WHERE DID HE GO?" I shook his shoulders again and again as blood trickled from his nose and mouth, shook him until there was no more feeling left in my arms and he was heavy in my hands. Where, where did you go, Naruto? Where did you disappear to?

I was numb as Tenten pulled me off of him; I felt like I was drowning even though I wasn't underwater as she pulled me farther and farther away. My eyes were empty and my body was useless, and I couldn't move. Where was my breath? It was nowhere and so was I. I struggled against Tenten's arms; I could feel the tendons and the muscles straining to keep me interlocked in her grasp. But she couldn't hold me for very long. I thrashed wildly, and finally my leg wrapped around hers, my foot pulling at the back of her knee, and her leg bent, allowing me to escape.

And I ran. From the village, the cold, sleek metal buildings full of ashes and white blood. Thick and heavy rain fell on me. There were blurs of color, screams of people passing, but I could not hear them, could not see. My muscles which had been paralyzed were free. They exploded into movement, and I disappeared into the horizon, into the trees. I ran to forget, I ran to be free from everything. There was nothing between me and the sky, between me and the air that was forced down my throat and into my eyes, blinding me. Blind me so I don't see this. Hide me from this pain that I can't handle.

Drown me.

Kiss me, kill me. Honey and razor blades ramming into the back of my throat. Sweet, thick blood tingeing my lips, a kiss of foreign taste.

Something is suffocating me, and I know it's you, Naruto. Come out, come out wherever you are. I'm searching for you. Looking, searching, and fearing what I might find. My body burned from the exertion but I did not stop. The sky was red-tinged and looked like it was bleeding; the clouds were crying blood tears that I soaked myself in as I slipped between the trees. Foliage slapped me in quick succession, my clothes were torn and bloody, but I ran on. The ground faded away beneath me until a consuming white strained over everything, and I was left in a land of white. Snow. Little flashes of color were all I saw in this endless white. Red, blue, green, red, orange, green. And I ran on. I forgot everything, who I was, who I was meant to be, my life, my past, my future. I forgot my friends, I forgot my seizing muscles, I forgot my address and the number of fingers I had. I forgot. Everything but you. Still, I ran on.

I stopped when my body collapsed, felt my muscles cave in on themselves, felt the sickening crunch of bone against bone, tendons stretching too far and snapping under my skin. The pain that whorled up my numb legs, and I couldn't feel again.

Make me feel whole again. I fell. Again and again, in my mind. The world spun and I lay there in the center of the vortex, watching the rain patter down on my hot cold numb skin. I felt detached, breaking, shattering; falling until there was nowhere left to fall. There I broke again into a thousand pieces; something slammed the sledgehammer down, down, down. Upon my throbbing chest.

Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Crack. There in the sky, is that a slit in the amber clouds? No, that's my reflection.

Ba-boom. The sledgehammer of my heart. A heart? Ba-boom. Yes, but it hurts, it burns.

You weren't in the shadows where you slipped into easily; you weren't in the sky where your eyes lay, resting upon me; you weren't on the lake, discovering snow for the first time; you weren't under the trees where you trained; you weren't where I could find you.

But it's a lie. You're here, I know you are.

Come out, come out wherever you are. I know you're hiding, but this childish game is getting old.

Naruto. Naruto. I call your name, loud with my scalded throat, voice rough and unintelligible for anyone but you and me to understand. You and me. Me and you. Us, together. One, one, one. One, two, three, four… But I've found nothing. I'm counting to a hundred but I've forgotten where I am. Fifty-one, seventy-three? I don't know anymore.

Come back. You promised me, Naruto. You promised to be here, always. Always and forever, day after day, until nothing claimed you and you sunk into oblivion, erethreality. You promised you would become the Hokage. You promised me, Naruto. Where are you now? Now when I need you the most. Eighty-six.

When you're gone.

Come out. Come out. You promised everyone, you forced everyone to see you how you were, forced everyone to know what you knew, see what you saw. Promises weren't made to be broken. My voice is almost desperate, almost frantic. Almost, almost. Maybe you'll come back. I stagger to my feet when I hear your voice. It sounds like an echo, a fragment, a piece of who you were. Are, I mean.

I roll on my side; see the lake stretched out in front of me, the mist from the river that pools into the lake, the flat, glassy surface that reflects what is beautiful, and what is not. The mist rising to meet the amber-grey sky. The aquamarine waters, the cobalt lake, the frosty-blue-silver surface that I want to touch. So like your eyes. Pale blue, dazzling sapphire, erethreal azure, lapis lazuli, powder blue, intangible aqua, cornflower blue, untouchable cerulean. All your eyes, reflected back at me. From the sky that was grey yet blue, as though touched by the lake, it merged into the air and sky with the mist. From the river of oceans and tears, the river of rain and life, flooding and death; to the lake, the pool that was untouched in the early morning mist, or the late night twilight. Periwinkle.

Come, come to me, I call to the river and the lake. I throw a white flower into its depths, and even from my side I can see it sinking beneath the surface, its pale petals soaked, trembling with beads of water as the strength of the river pulls it under. Gone again. Ripples spread and blend with the hard-silver surface. They break the sky's reflection and my own, until they're only shadows of colors and there is nothing left. My hope a wavering white flower, a fluttering handkerchief, a pure love-drenched dove, a feathered butterfly. So fragile, so untouchable and unreal. Surrealistic.

A patter of footfalls, a collage of white-blue-silver-amber clouds and a blur of colors. The colors are so loud and bright, they hurt my dull eyes. I rise to meet the onslaught of feelings and dyes, passion and feeling.

Naruto! I see your hair, your beautiful blue eyes, your bright orange jumpsuit before you jump towards me. A smile so large it rivals the sun is on your face, and you collide with my arms outstretched, before we go tumbling to the ground. You and me. Me and you. Ba-boom.

I can hear your heartbeat. Against mine, it makes a rhythm. Your breath mingles with mine and I can feel the warmth of your skin. Your smile bright as mine.

You're back! Found you! I cry, and you just grin, getting up from the ground. You offer me a hand, and I take it, standing up. Tidal waves of emotion ran through me as my hand touched yours, and my body detached from my mind as I floated away. Rippling with the tide, draw in, push out. Pull away.

You're alive.

But you're blurred at the edges, almost as if you might fade away from me at any second. It's like you're made of fragile glass that if you touch its clear surface, it breaks. I suppose you're there. Suppose, suppose, but don't know.

You motioned to me, through the early morning river-mist that curled around your ankles and snaked up your calves. Your hands were cold, and I remembered. Naruto is dead.

But I saw you, felt you, wanted you to be there, and so you were there. Oh how nice of you, I wish, and you come. I call, I cry, I fall, and you come to rescue me, pull me up. You motioned again, and I followed you obediently, my movements jerky and slow. I tried to keep up with you, but you kept going faster, faster. Your blonde hair disappeared into the indigo-painted shadows, the trees looming over me and consuming you until I could no longer see you in the darkness. Please, stop. But you don't come back.

I'm left all alone again, but my movements continue. I'm so far gone from my muscles, so disconnected from my body, it's like I don't even exist. I'm drifting through snow covered mountains, the blue shadows of the snow coloring my skin, sinking deep inside me, making me cold. Oh, Naruto, I'm so cold. There, on the twilit horizon, is a different color. A warmth in all of these blues and purples, violets and forget-me-not ceruleans, when I wanted to forget and never wanted to remember. The red-orange explodes into millions of stars that spread across the darkened skies. Their silver-white dots are cold and hard against the deep navy of the sky. I want to touch them, but I can't move. My body is frozen, paralyzed in the soft snow that bites at my skin. It hurts, Naruto, this place burns. The snow that is cold burns at my skin, the fire in the ice. Oil in water, propane lit, oil fires in drums, smoke rising steadily to the sky.

Rescue me.

Everything burns at my skin, fire under my eyelids, heat rising from the west. From the sun comes warmth and light, but pain. What's real in this world? Love never lasts, people never last, friends never last, villages and dynasties and empires never last. They crumble and they fall. Mistakes are eternal, repeating. Pain is omnipresent, and the sun will eventually burn up, curl up into a little lifeless ball of nothingness, implode on itself, and we'll perish without its light. We'll be plunged into the darkness for a moment, before the world is consumed in so many colors, a supernova of rainbows, a sphere of white nothingness that is every color that passes by our planet and eats it up. We're lost.

Then I see where I am, where the gleam comes from. Instead of from stars, it comes from the ground, from a sprawling city, a hidden village. Rising from the frozen soil, hard beneath my feet, the village looks almost magical in the mist. The fog that covers the ground like a prayer, swirls around my feet, the mist that leads and consumes, covers and discovers. This place, I don't know what it is, or where I am, but I know I'm somewhere.

There you are, Naruto, at the gate. Waiting for me as if you'd never led me there. You're leaning against the wooden doors, arms crossed, breath pooling into the air like a thousand white crystals. Naruto! I rush to you, but you turn away before I get close enough. You aren't blurry in the heavy stillness of morning, framed by blue-white mist as we amble down the street. I talk to you, talk away the uneasiness, talk to relieve my mind, talk to make sure you're there.

Someone sees me, on the street, talking to you. They stare at me funnily, and walk away. I pause for a moment, but keep talking. These streets seem familiar, these turns seem familiar, but they're so distant, the memories are so unreachable, I'm unable to remember. Naruto, I ask, where are we?

You're home, you answer. I'm home? This place of coldness and emptiness is my home? These bright colors, draped in thick fog that dampens and depresses everything; this is my home? Something knocks at the thick wooden door barring my memories, but the lock does not click, the latch does not slide across. The window panes are blinded, thick slats shield the inside from view, from a peek. Life is an empty room, with my memories stripped away. I feel naked, vulnerable.

You lead me to a strange, tall tower, with straight-backed guards and beige hallways that never seem to end. I don't know where we're going, but I'm just happy to be with you. The guards look at me strangely, but they notice something belted around my waist, and let us through. They don't seem to see you, Naruto. I look at my waist; see the strip of metal with a strange, curling impression, with a tiny triangle sprouting from one side. It doesn't look like anything, but there's another knock on my memories. Nothing happens, and you knock again on the thick wooden door, until I realize its me who's knocking, and for a moment I'm sensing three different things at once. The knocking on the door of memories, you slamming your fist on the soft wood, and me, doing the same, not even knowing why.

Someone finally opens the door, and it's a woman with high cheekbones, a wide, flat forehead with a sparkling purple jewel in the center, and hard-candy brown eyes. Chocolate. I blink, wondering what I'm doing here, wondering where you went. Naruto, I want to cry out, but I look at the woman again.

"Lee-san? What are you doing here this time in the morning?"

She looks angry at me, and I wonder why. My name is Lee? Lee. One syllable. A sharp, resounding note; high tenor. Uplifting, short, fast and then its over. Lee. Rings a bell somewhere in my mind, but is quickly stifled by the snow that seeps into every corner. No corner of snow, only endlessness. Lee. See, Lee. Be, Lee. Need Lee. But then it's gone. Its magical sound is over as quickly as it came. What am I to say to this lady-jewel, this epitome of youthfulness, this fire-blossom? That comes from nowhere, and leaves again. Why am I always left behind? I say the only thing I can think of.

"Who are you?"


They locked me up, Naruto. Took me away in their crisp white suits to a blank white room, wrapped me up in thick white blankets, injected me with clear-white liquid. I never knew there was so much white, all so different. Outside is the same, it looks like snow has fallen, whenever I can see it. White, white, white. I'm sick of it all. There are white pills, in a white bottle, in an endless white corridor. It stretches before me like the snow did, like the grey-amber clouds. There's no life in their eyes here.

Where are you, Naruto? I need you now, more than ever. More than I could ever before. That lady betrayed me, she was soothing, calming. She betrayed me with her honey words and bloody lips, her chocolate eyes. Said she was a friend of mine. I didn't believe her. Is this what friends do to each other? I don't remember.

Naruto? Naruto? Are you there?

But there's no answer.


They put me in this place today. The walls were soft and so was the floor. If I could jump and touch the ceiling, I think it would be too. I don't know what's happening; they locked me up in here as soon as I woke up. I swear I didn't do anything wrong, Naruto. They just took me, Naruto. They took me away.

I fell asleep with your names on my lips. Again and again, save me.


Naruto, Naruto. I repeat your name. It's like a sickness, an obsession. A mantra that keeps me sane in these white rooms. Where everyone stares at me the same way, hollow. Empty. The rooms are empty for me, but your eyes stay with me. They breathe into my lungs when I cannot. You keep me alive.

Naruto, Naruto. It's like a disease I cannot rid myself of. A lost breath, and you're there, making me breathe. The people are staring at me again. I'm talking to you again. Through the haze of the medications they force-feed me, through the early morning mist that I still see you in, through the sleek metal bars of the windows that make me sad, I still see you. You talk to me, and I answer.

Naruto, Naruto. My mantra, my life, my succession and repression. Keep me alive, and when you choose, I die. Kill me then. But it's no longer my choice. My god, Nartuo, kill me.


I looked out the window today. There were people trailing after one another, feet slamming into the unfettered, untouched white snow. They were all dressed in black, and it confused me. I asked you what they were doing, and you softly said that you did not know.

I liked watching them messing up the perfect white flakes of snow. At first I was mad, they were destroying the winter wonderland that had been created. Then I loved it, the change, the patterns people made in the snow with their boots. It was so pretty, the clumps of snow, the straight lines of people's shoes, the indents and the peaks of whiteness, so different from the sheets I was sitting on. It made me want the outside, to escape into the icy cold.


People visited me today. Three people, all dressed in black like the people outside were before. One looked like an older version of me, whenever I looked into the water of my cup and saw my face on the rippling surface. They didn't allow mirrors here, too dangerous. I wondered what people did with the mirrors, the fragments, the shattered bits of their reflections. What they did to their skin. He looked old, tired.

The other one had long, black hair, tied back with a black ribbon, and the strange piece of metal and cloth, that had been around my waist when I had been first taken away, around his forehead, before they had dressed me up in these white cotton clothes that were itchy and fit strangely. His eyes were white and seemed impenetrable. His black robes hung loosely around his frame, but I saw white bandages around one of his hands.

The third was a woman, her black hair pulled back into two buns on either side of her head, tied back with black ribbons. Around her forehead was the strange piece of cloth with the whorl and diamond that I now recognized as a leaf. City of the leaf. Hidden ninjas of the leaf. Village of the leaf. Hidden Village of the Leaf. Konohagakure. Konoha. The words felt foreign yet familiar on my tongue.

"Hello. What are your names?"

The woman started to cry, clutching the white-eyed boy's sleeve as though he were her lifeline, her buoy holding her afloat, her anchor keeping her in place. He didn't resist, and a tear began to fall from his crystalline eyes, a droplet of his iris falling down his porcelain-white skin. The older clone of me turned away, unable to look at me.

I wondered what I had done wrong when they left a few moments later, no words exchanged.


I was walking down the corridor this morning, with every other blank-eyed prisoner of this whiteness, when I saw it. A flash of pink, a drop of rosette against the grey pallor cast around every drab room. I recognized it, a flash of sun golden-yellow-red memory racing through me, hitting my adrenaline and forcing me forward. My mouth formed words I didn't even know I knew.

"Sakura-chan!"

The girl turned back to face me, her jade eyes hollow and blank, and her white-painted rose hair lank about her once-round face. She seemed so listless, so empty. And then I didn't recognize her anymore. She was gone, wasn't she, Naruto?

Did you know her? Because I think I did, Naruto.

Who is she? Who am I?


Someone sent me a bouquet. Red-pink cherry blossoms wrapped around twice with a soft, black ribbon. A small bow around the green, dying stems. They're out of season, sakura blossoms don't appear until spring. Where did these come from?

Sakura. Familiarity, then met with a blank wall.

The blossoms seemed to die, bleed into my hands as I touched their sable surfaces. So soft, so warm, even though they were dying. Dead. A strange word. A strange sensation.

I put the cherry blossoms in a vase, with water, but still, they seemed to die against the grey walls. It was so different from the snow outside that seeped through the windows at night, froze me in my bed.


I lined up to take my white pills in a white cup, with cold, fiery water, stopping at the quartz-paned window. I recognize no one. They're lost in the snow, in the desolate static, the ghost of life. You left me to this listless dawn, this empty cup, this white porcelain figurines in the window, framed with bars. You left me here, in this place I don't know where I am, without memories or friends.

Please come back to me, Naruto. Please come back.

But you don't. I ride the phosphorescence, the light without feeling, the white emptiness that has no shadows, has no corners, has no color. White that is all, but has nothing. I ride through these empty streets, wondering, lost, forgotten.

You forgot me. And I cant forget you.

Fade to white.


T.T that made me sad... poor, poor Lee, going insane. well at least now hes with his sakura-chan! not like he remembers her but whaatever.. ooh right.. whos Ayame? o.O? never heard of her... maybe someone can tell me? hmhmhm... yeah i was going to have it so Lee didnt believe in friendships anymore, so he was running away from Tenten and Neji n Gai.. but i think not knowing who they are is worse for them.. mwahahaha! and yes, Neji cried. strange, strange things going on here.. yes its snowing.. lee has been in there a long time. oh and i just realized in the first chapter that i said Shino and Kiba burned the body.. whoops. xD

Neji: Sometimes Fate takes away what you believe in the most, and when that's gone, what else is there to believe in?