Memoirs of a Shinobi


+Neji+

Hidden Scars, Hidden Destruction

Heat against your skin heart a sound you can't ignore
Fate a game played you can't win it like you always could
A nightshade closer to the actual moonstone eyes
Glinting like sheet metal until the sun broke the clouds
And blinded you like the cold red blood spilled from blackened hearts


I'm standing in a clearing rimmed with trees and its cold, wind is blowing from what seems like every direction and it looks like its going to rain. There are thousands of blade scars on the trees, like some long ago battle had transpired here, while it really was, was training. My hands are half clenched and my hair is free from its normal restraints. My feet are pointing straight ahead, and I'm staring at a tree as though it might suddenly move, and if it does, I have to kill it. But I can't see the tree. I can't see anything. I am completely numb.


Do I remember when the shadows came? Do I remember when Fate dealt me the worst card that had only had been seen on the night of the apocalypse? Do I remember the numbness that washed over me? Do I remember… anything?

No, I can't. I can't remember because I can't be hurt. Because if I'm hurt, that means there's pain. Pain means being alive, and I can't be alive because I can't see anything. Even with my Byakugan, I cannot see a single thread of light, a single cloud, a single leaf. I can't see you, and that means I'm dying, dying of this pain that rips across my chest, seizes my throat and never lets me go. Being alive is better than being dead, Naruto. Surely you know that, because you're not dead, or at least that's what I want. What I want to believe.

But obviously, what I want and what I get are two completely different things. I should have known this; I should have foreseen this coming, this pain. It's so reminiscent of the pain of when I was four, and I became tainted by the darkness that haunts eyes for lifetimes, intoxicating and enthralling until you cannot escape the poison of its sable grasp. My father died.

When he gave himself up for his only brother, his only family. Except I was left behind, not taken into death with him. I wished I could have been. But I mattered for nothing to him, absolutely nothing. He didn't care that I would have to deal with the pain, didn't care that I would be the only one left. He didn't care that once he was gone, I would be forced into servitude by the same man he gave his life up for. He didn't, didn't care.

He didn't care that there would be blood on my hands so young, didn't care that I would fade away, didn't care that I would have no friends, didn't care that I would look so much like him and be so hated because of it. That I would become a caged bird, and live every day wishing to be freed while knowing that it would never happen. When he died, my life was rent into pieces.

I never saw them take his body away.

Once he was gone, I forced myself to be cold, distant. I knew how much it hurt to get close to someone, and then to have them ripped away. It was worse than the loneliness that struck me, worse than the emptiness I felt when people asked me about my friends, or my family. The pain was worse than anything ever given to me by a kunai, shruiken, kodachi, spear, knife, sword, or blade of any kind.

It was the pain of love unrequited, the pain of love unheeded, or ever felt at all. It was the pain of friendship, and nothing anyone could offer me would be enough to make me take down my walls and love again. Feel again. I couldn't allow myself to feel, because feeling was weakness. I never allowed myself to cry, for crying was weakness as well.

Weakness could not be tolerated. Weaknesses wouldn't make me great, weaknesses wouldn't destroy the Main House and all that they held above me, taunting me with their superiority everyday. Weaknesses would destroy me, friends would slow me down, and family would just create problems that could not be solved without pain. Everything was a weakness, and so I tolerated none of it.

I buried myself in studies of ancient arts: Hakkeshou, Byakugan, Kaiten, all of my clan's greatest accomplishments. But their superiority made them weak, made them overlook things. I overlooked you at first, Naruto. I thought you wouldn't win, like Hinata. For your determination did not mean skill, did not mean you could beat me.

Besides, you knew none of my pain, knew none of the treachery that I had endured to get to that point. I thought Fate was on my side. I should have known better. Fate is on no ones side, and it is tricky. I thought the pain from my past would be enough fuel to beat you. I thought that my determination to be acknowledged by my Uncle would be enough. But I knew, knew that my pain would not be enough. You held a strange light within you, something my Byakugan had never seen before. It was something that I had never held, something that no matter how many techniques I mastered, I could never have.

It was life. You brought it to me, Naruto. You brought it back from where it lingered, hidden in the shadows. You brought determination back to me, through that simple fight, you brought life. I never believed you could do it, change destiny. I could never change destiny, so why could you?

I remember something now, in this fog that clouds my eyes. I remember, that when we were children, we were innocent. Only, we were never children. Ninja can never be children.

We were taught to kill, to hate, to harm, to thrive in the shadows of life. We were taught to relish in the rabid pain of killing, the euphoria of death. We were taught to kill with passion and to live without feeling. You can never be a child after you kill someone. But you were always different.

You never seemed to be tainted by anything.

You were always innocent.

You were always pure, clean, and guileless.

You loved the sweet smell of the trees; you loved the sound of birds chirping.

Even when Sasuke left, you were pure. But you changed, darkened somewhat. Even with my Byakugan I could not find your white heart in the depths of your red body. You became impenetrable, unbreakable. You did not allow yourself to feel, to be compassionate, to accept, to live. You did not allow anyone to touch you, to hug you, or embrace you in their sorrows.

You were always alone.

You allowed no one to wipe away your tears, to brush away your sorrows and your pain. You allowed no one to see the tears that ran down your face as you realized what he was running to, and running away from. You allowed no one to touch you, for if they did, you would break. And you could not break, for you were our hope, and if you did not believe, none of us would. You allowed no one to see the tears, your fears breaking and shattering and healing in a strange, demented way until they were unrecognizable, and then became new terrors.

But I knew. I knew your heart was breaking, saw the shell that you deftly crafted around your eyes and through your soul that shielded you from the outside world. I saw the sphere that you constructed around your heart, so like my Kaiten; a Heavenly Spin that never ended and took no physical energy, but heart to manipulate and create.

I saw your pain, watched as it was reflected in your deep blue eyes, watched as it drained you of all your untouchable power. You were dying, Naruto, and no one could stop it.

You were becoming like me.

Cold, empty, and without a reason to live but to avenge. To rescue Sasuke, and avenge your near-death. It was all you had left, this urge to resolve and rid yourself of the pain he had caused you. For no matter how many times the physical pain overwhelmed your senses, it was not enough. You could not be saved by the pain all the time.

Why did you close yourself off, Naruto? You should have known that it would only bring pain. I knew that it would be worse for you, but still, I could do nothing, for I had closed myself off long ago. Although you brought life to me, you could not completely fill in the space that my father had left. His shoes were too big for you to fill, his presence too large for even your words and life and smiles to compensate for, his love too much for even you to give.


Tears cloud my eyes, and finally, I can see. Or, at least I think so. I see Lee, jumping at the chuunin, pounding his fist into the chuunin's face, again and again. I see him shaking the shoulders of the chuunin, demanding answers, demanding, demanding, demanding, but never receiving. For the chuunin can't breathe, cant speak, blood is trailing from his lips and he is limp in Lee's hands. I know this is a memory, for everyone is blurred at the edges, and I can see myself, standing in the corner, watching this transpire.

I see Tenten leap forward and drag Lee away from the chuunin who lies there, looking like he is in death's embrace. Lee struggles in Tenten's arms, and I know she can't hold him. He's too strong, and too far gone. He rips away and bolts out the door, leaving Tenten on the ground, looking as though she's still trying to hold his ghost. I can see there are tears in her eyes and she is shaking. No one has moved from where they stand, until I see myself step forward.

I know what I'm going to do. No. No. No. Don't do it! I want to cry out to my body as it slides forward, without a soul, without a heart inside that cold, broken shell that you cracked so long ago. But you never bothered to come back and heal it, so it remained broken. I see the puffs of dirt as my sandals slide across the ground and I wonder why I'm shuffling. I see my heart harden, deep within my bandaged chest, can see the spite and venom and hate roiling upwards towards my throat, ready to destroy destroy destroy anything. Hate, I can feel it, taste it in the air. My body is full of it, this pain that's transformed, mutated into hate and anger, for I never knew what to do with pain.

Pathetic. It was his destiny to die. It is everyone's destiny to die. I see myself look down at Tenten and say that; I see how she starts trembling again, tears falling from her eyes. And I suddenly realize she knows how to deal with the pain. I never knew, for when my father died, I was too young to fully understand the complications of his death. What it might do to me, how it might scar me. Tenten's parents died when she was seven, and she never seemed to carry the same amount of pain as me. She let herself break, she let herself grow from the past, learn and move on.

I never could. Moving on was something I could not do. I was able to kill people without a second thought, was able to take out a thousand men with my fingers, and I thought that made me strong. However, I could not move on. I was incapable of releasing the pain I had kept locked away, hidden beneath a thousand layers deep, resting within my broken heart. But it was like wrapping glass with a towel and smashing it with a sledgehammer. The glass would still break, but the fabric would keep it intact. I never allowed myself to break, and in turn, I brought myself more pain. I had crafted a titanium sphere around my heart.

I saw myself walk away, not shuffling anymore. I saw how I fed off of the pain I caused others, because I wanted them to feel the same as I had. I wanted them to break, I wanted them to shatter into a thousand pieces and never heal. I wanted them to be like me, except think I was stronger, better, for it seemed like I was never hurt. I wanted them to hate me, because if they hated me, they could never love me, and then I would never hurt. Because I would never love again.

That's why I wanted to hate you, Naruto, so badly. I wanted you to break, tear, shatter, be rent into thousands of millions of billions of pieces by my words. I wanted you to hate me so badly that it hurt, and then, you would remember me. For that was the one thing I was afraid of, dying without someone to remember me. If you loved someone and they died, you would eventually move on. But if someone you hated, died, then you would remember forever. I wanted to breed in you such hatred, such utter contempt and abhorrence that you would never forget me. Such loathing and disgust that you would look down on your hands, and remember when your blood had flowed down your fingers, because of me.

I look down at my hands now, and realize that I can see blood flowing down them. The memory is over, gone. I wonder where that blood came from; I thought I was just standing in the middle of the woods. Then I look up, and I see two deep impressions in the oak tree in front of me. I look down at my hands again, turn them over, and see my ripped knuckles, even through the bandages around my right arm. I can see the blood and the dirt indented into my skin, through my skin and right to my bones, and I know that I'll forever remember you, Naruto.

I hated you for your strength, your determination and your disgust for my so-called preached 'destiny'. I hated that you could beat me and still stand and say that you could release me from my pain. Because I didn't want to be released, back then. The pain had become such a part of me, the hatred had merged with my soul, and I was afraid when you took it away, I would be incomplete and broken. That there wouldn't be any more of me, and everyone would laugh and forget I was ever there. I hated that you could do that to me, break my walls so easily, and want to be my friend even after all I had done to you.

But I loved you for it too. I wanted to be you, wanted to be so strong and not be afraid to care and lose like I had been. I wanted to care, but I was afraid, Naruto. No one ever knew, but I was. But then you came, and changed my entire world with your determined words.

There's someone here, I can tell. I don't turn around, but can tell from the sounds of their breathing and footfalls, that it's Tenten. She's never believed in destiny either, but she never shows it.

"Neji?" She asks, her voice soft. I don't want to turn around; I don't want to see her face. I can't bear to see one of the people who have always wanted to be my friend, hurt. I can't bear to see anyone else's pain but my own. I'm afraid that I might break again.

"Neji?" She asks again, and I can hear her walking closer to me. I can feel her tears, the worry and pain emanating from her is so thick it's nearly unbearable. Naruto, Naruto, save me.

She comes up behind me, rests a hand on my shoulder, but still I do not move. I try, desperately, to reconstruct the walls that have fallen, but it's futile. She will finally see the true me, the broken, fallen, pathetic me, and be disgusted. She will hate me, like I used to hate everyone.

"Neji?" She's in front of me now, her brown eyes wide. I can see the salt trails down her face, but her eyes are clear. How can she be so clear, after something like this? I want to hate her again, but it's too hard. I'm too tired. Her hand is resting on my cheek, and I can finally feel some warmth in my cold, numb heart.

Suddenly, everything blacks out, and I collapse into her. I just can't do anything anymore. I can't! I hear her voice, high and afraid again, calling my name as I fall into the darkness that once cradled my heart.


I'm lying in the darkness when you come to visit me. It's a warm, tangible, sticky darkness that surrounds me and keeps me alive. It's as though I'm immersed in someone's blood, eyes closed but the warmth still reaching me, surrounding me in all of its macabre glory. It's making me look like I am dying, while I am the only one still alive.

You're here, I can see you. You look kind and alive, still in your orange jumpsuit, blue eyes happy and clear. You don't look dead at all. You're looking down at me, lying in the middle of an endless pool of dark water. It's as though you're bringing light into this place of nothingness, this empty heart, this empty room that has no corners and no windows. You're a spotlight, and I'm in the background, wondering when I will be on stage again.

You offer me a hand, and I take it, unknowing. Your skin is icily cold against mine in this place of endless darkness. Suddenly, you don't look the same, your eyes are slits and your whole body exudes anger.

I want to say your name, but my mouth doesn't open. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to breathe again, because this darkness is choking me. But then I realize you're choking me, your hands around my neck, squeezing the life right out of me. No! You're the one who saved me, and now you're killing me. I try to fight back, but you won't let me. I can't move. I'm going to die, aren't I, Naruto?

I will die with you, and not be remembered because you died first and second is only that, second. You will take me to hell or to heaven or to wherever you go after you die. I will go with you, follow you obediently because that's the only thing I know. I only know obedience. I never knew how to truly fight, to fight to protect who you truly loved because I could love none. I only knew fighting through obedience, and now you will take my debt that I owe to you and make me die with you. I won't be remembered.

Tears begin to fall down my cheeks. I have forgotten what it is like to cry, but now, at death's door in its silken grip, I remember. I bow my head down until my forehead touches your wrist, and let my tears slide down your skin. Yes, master, I will do what you ask of me. I will live, die, breathe, fight for you. I will follow you into the dark, into the depths of death. For you, and only you.

Suddenly, you let me go. Your icy hands fall back to your sides, and you smile at me in the darkness. You are kind again; I can see it in your eyes. I feel someone shaking at my shoulders, someone calling my name in the distance. It's crackly and it seems like its going through a field of static, but its there and it's calling me. You raise one hand and wave it.

Goodbye, Neji. I will always remember you. Remember Neji, always remember to—But then you're gone, and your sentence is left unfinished.

I want to race after you, to find out what you were going to say, but I'm being ripped through the darkness. The black is whirling around me, and I'm sucked into the bottom of the tornado by unseen hands. I close my eyes and in memory, I see you, waving at me.


I open my eyes and see Tenten, crying and shaking my shoulders. I'm in a hospital, a thousand needles stuck into my arms and an oxygen mask over my face. I hear a steady beeping in the background and I know that I'm alive again. Tsunade and Shizune are standing in the back of the room, but when they hear the beeps, they turn around to look at me. Tenten's looking at me to, but now she's smiling and I wonder how she can smile through all of the pain I brought to her. You and me, Naruto, the pain we bring.

Tsunade is doing something, and Shizune slowly leads Tenten away, through the white door, while Tsunade pulls the curtains shut. White, white, white, and then only darkness.


I am let out of the hospital in time for your funeral, Naruto. I pull on the black robes, tying them around the waist. They fit strangely, but are soft against my skin. They seem so strange, so dark against the white of my skin. Like yin and yang.

We walk in silence among the snow, as it is winter now. The snow is almost more silent than everyone in the procession, but not quite. Our silence seems to be eternal, while snow can scream and howl and whip around us in our silence. There is one more thing I do before we stand to see someone talk about your life and your accomplishments. I slowly undo the hitai-ate from around my forehead and let it fall away. I let everyone see my pain; I let everyone see my curse, my weakness, my reason. Today, I will let no one wonder why.

A girl walks up to the podium, her jade eyes whitened by lack of sleep, and bags are under her eyes. Her pink hair is stringy and falls about her gaunt face. She seems familiar and now I remember her. Sakura, I think her name is. You loved her, didn't you?

I think you loved Sasuke more though, hated him more. You wanted to be acknowledged by him more than by her, because he was your equal while she, with her pretty pink hair and green eyes, was less than you. She meant less to you. That's why you were so determined to bring Sasuke back, for if she acknowledged you for that, she would then be your equal.

She opens her mouth to say something, then screams your name. She screams that you're not dead, you can't be, and that Shino and Kiba are liars. Liars, liars, all of them! She screams as though she is in pain, as though you're hurting her with your memory. As though you're still alive.


After the funeral, Tenten, I, and Gai-sensei go to the hospital. I'm reminded painfully that it is a mental hospital, for people who are insane. We're going there because Lee has been locked up since you died, Naruto. We walk through the white corridors, and it's cold. Colder than the snow was, and more desolate, because this place is filled with people without souls, without life. No one belongs here.

We go into Lee's room, still in our funeral clothes. He looks up at us, and his eyes are so empty, so completely drained of any life that it's painful to look at. He's so vacant, so listless. His unacknowledged pain is too much to bear, and a single tear runs down my face.

I don't know where it comes from, this tear. For it doesn't feel like it is coming from my eyes, it does not feel like water nor salt. It feels like a ghost of my past, falling down from the skies to skim my skin, making it seem like I am crying, when all it really is, is rain.

And when he speaks, it does not sound like the person I knew. It sounds like a broken violin, trying once again to play as beautifully as before, but all the while knowing, that it cannot.

Then Tenten takes my hand, and leads me away. I think of you, holding my throat, making me realize that pain cannot save me. And I as I look down the white corridor, so empty, like his eyes were, I see a white dove with a blue ribbon tied about its neck, flying away. A gauze strip floats to the floor, and I know that the dove's wing was broken before, but now, it is healed.


woowwww... finally thats done. i just watched memoirs of a geisha! thats what this story was originally named after, because i had just read it! so long ago.. i wanted to post before the new year, and i was planning to do it yesterday, on my sisters birthday, but there was no time.. im sorry it took so long, nearly three weeks! T.T please forgive me! wow this was totally the opposite from what i wanted to do for neji, but thats okay... i hope everyone likes this! and for the reviews, everyone is so nice! its the best present i could ever have. sorry for the NejiTen but.. hehe im a sucker for it.. besides it can just be seen as friendship if you want.

Tell me, do you want me to do Konohamaru, or Tenten next.. i'm not really sure what to write for either of them.. or i could just do Kakashi.. soo.. tell me what you think and ill write it as soon as i can!