WARNING: You have entered a highly dangerous zone. Scientific research involving monkeys and rocks has linked it to lowering of IQ levels, brain deterioration, and the virus influenza. It is suggested that upon exiting entering this space, you take the prescribed sterilization bath you stay in the vat labeled "Mysterious Liquid of Safeness". It is also suggested that you visit a psychiatrist soon after leaving. Please keep hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you, and have a nice day.
"Stephano, they're so going to notice that," Lordy Duffano said, surveying the sign Stephano had just "edited."
"Nuh uh. Why would they? My edits were flawless."
Lordy Duffano sighed, "Maybe it's the fact that they're written in pink crayon."
"PUCE!" Stephano corrected hotly.
Lordy Duffano rolled her eyes. "Whatever. The fact that you underlined everything instead of crossing it out might have something to do with it too."
"… Shut up!"
"I'm going to start the story now, so that I don't lose all my readers," Duffano said. (So call me lazy. I took out the Lordy. It's my penname, I can do as I like!)
"WAIT!" Stephano shouted. "You forgot the disclaimer pie!"
"What?"
"The disclaimer pie! The pie that brings happiness and joy to all who partake of it!" Stephano explained.
Duffano looked at Stephano suspiciously. "Have you been reading the dictionary again?"
Stephano coughed suspiciously. "No."
"Whatever. Anyway. Sorry for the obnoxiously long author's note. But, it could be worse, trust me."
"How?"
"Well," Duffano said thoughtfully, "we could be tying them to chair and forcing them to watch C-SPAN for eleven hours straight with no bathroom breaks."
"True," Stephano conceded.
Suddenly the story screamed, "I AM MASSIVELY DISCLAIMED!"
Prologue
Long ago, there were forged great rings of power. Seven for the dwarves, three for the elves, and nine for the race of man. But one, the great Dark Lord Sauron, forged a secret ring….
"HEY! We thought this was a spoof!" the readers protested.
"Oh yeah? FINE THEN! SCREW THIS! WE'RE STARTING OVER!" Duffano shouted.
Prologue… er… again
Long ago, there were forged great rings of much expense. The plumbers, who stole them from the original owners, took seven of them. Three were giving to the FBI as bribes. Obscenely wealthy men bought nine. And the Mob Boss Sauron stole one from a museum.
The museum was not very happy about this, and they got the FBI to investigate Sauron to create a strong case for court, backed financially by the obscenely wealthy men. They went to court, and the museum beat Sauron soundly. Mostly this was because Sauron ate a very large pizza while on the witness stand. It was a very picky jury.
So Sauron had to give the ring back to the museum. Instead of putting the ring back into that nifty plexi-glass case, Isildur, the son of the museum curator (who died in a nasty bit of an incident during the trial, involving pigeons and venomous snakes), took it for himself, completely ignoring Agent Elrond from the FBI.
"Hey that's ironic," Duffano said, giggling. "Hugo Weaving is once again an agent, except he's still Elrond."
Stephano laughed maniacally. It's best not to ask why.
But then Isildur dropped it down a sewer one day. Let us take a moment to point and laugh at him.
"STEPHANO!" Duffano shouted.
Stephano squeaked. "Sorry."
But then he dropped it down a sewer one day.
Duffano and Stephano looked at each other.
"That's good enough," Duffano said.
"Yeah."
"Wait, Isildur was killed in the real one."
"Oh," Stephano said thoughtfully. "Well that's no problem then!"
But then one day, Isildur dropped it down the sewer. This was probably because some hit men had jumped out of the alley he was walking past and started beating him with fish.
Duffano gave Stephano an incredulous look. "Fish?" she asked.
"Of course," Stephano said, not in the least bit aware that her idea was stupid.
"No. Absolutely not," Duffano said, changing the paragraph again.
But then one day, Isildur dropped it down the sewer. This was probably because some hit men had jumped out of the alley he was walking past and started viciously stabbing him.
And so, lots of people forgot about the One Really Expensive Ring.
But then there were some kids playing in the sewer many years later. They were very odd children, for they were playing in the sewer, and no normal child would play in the sewer.
Deagol found the One Really Expensive Ring in the midst of a pile of nondescript filth material. He, like an idiot, showed it to Gollum, who had been known for his mental instability and homicidal urges. Gollum immediately pulled a banana out of his pocket and, pointing it at Deagol, screamed, "This is a stick up! Give me the ring, and no one gets hurt!"
Deagol replied, "Finders, keepers; losers, weepers!"
"What about witnesses to the finding?" inquired Gollum, not lowering the banana.
"That's just not in the rhyme…"
Gollum then threw the banana down, and jumped on Deagol, strangling him. Clutched by insanity, he decided that the sewer was a lovely place to live, and decided to stay.
Tolkien Purists began screaming, "That's a plot hole! How dare you! You taint the sacred work of Tolkien!"
Lordy Duffano gave them an amused look. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I turned dwarves into plumbers like a page ago. I thought you would've realized this was a spoof when that happened."
"WE HATE YOU!" they screamed, and stormed out.
"Whatever," Duffano said boredly.
Stephano walked by, and suddenly fell through the plot hole.
"ACK! STEPHANO! I'll be right back," Duffano said. "The story can carry on by itself." And she left to find Stephano.
The story seemed to be a sentient being, and began giggling to itself. The readers became frightened.
Star Annabelle Tiffany Allison Nielson flipped her long, perfectly straight blonde hair out of her pure, deep purple eyes. She looked across the courtyard at Legolas, and batted her lusciously long eyelashes at him. She giggled as he began to drool.
Suddenly, Star Annabelle Tiffany Allison Nielson noticed that Boromir was watching her. EW, he was like, so disgusting. He kept staring at her and licking his lips. UGH. It wasn't like she was wearing a revealing dress or anything. Like, what would he be like if he saw her at home, in her time, in her mini skirts?
Star Annabelle Tiffany Allison Nielson sighed, thinking of her home. And her makeup. Oh, how she miss her makeup. And thongs. She missed those too.
But thinking of home, her bad memories began to surface. The memory of her physical abuse from her family surfaced, and tears formed in her eyes. Then she remembered Lucky, dear little Lucky. Her only friend. It hadn't even mattered that Lucky was a rabbit, since she had been gifted with the ability to talk to animals. But her brother had found out about Lucky, and in a vicious attack he had-
No! She couldn't think of it. Dear little Lucky. She had loved him so. And her brother had- had-
Star Annabelle Tiffany Allison Nielson burst into tears. She couldn't help remembering when she had found Lucky, dismembered, with his adorable little head stuck on a chopstick that was stuck in the ground.
Everyone was turning to stare at Star Annabelle Tiffany Allison Nielson. She had interrupted the Council of Elrond. Oh well, it had been dreadfully boring anyway.
But no one seemed to mind. Legolas had jumped up from his seat, and crossed the courtyard to her. Gently, he cupped her cheeks in his hands, and brought his lips closer. She closed her beautiful, violet orbs.
Duffano entered the room again, saying, "All right, I found her. How's the story- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"
Stephano ducked under a table. "Whatever it is, it's scaring me."
Duffano's eyes grew wide as realization hit. "Oh my god…" she said, "it's a Mary Sue."
The readers began to scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WE HATE YOU!"
"It's not my fault!" Duffano said frantically. "I guess when I left the story unattended, it was invaded by a Mary Sue."
Stephano inspected the Mary Sue. "We're not even CLOSE to the Council of Elrond either," she observed.
"I guess that plothole was bigger than I thought. The rest of the plot seems to have fallen through it."
"That's right! So go fix it!" yelled the Tolkien Purists.
"I thought you guys left!" Duffano shouted at them.
"Fine…" grumbled the Tolkien Purists, and left.
Stephano had been inspecting the Mary Sue closely, and suddenly said, "Hey, her initials spell Satan."
"Really?" Duffano said, finally looking at the Mary Sue bit. It made her eyes burn.
"Yeah," Stephano said, pointing to the names. "Star Annabelle Tiffany Allison Nielson. S-A-T-A-N. Satan!"
An e-mail popped up, reading, "Welcome to Mary Sue Central! Where all your bishounen fantasies can come true! You have five new Sues waiting for you!"
Everyone stared at the pop up on the screen, and began to scream.
"CLOSE IT QUICKLY!" the readers cried, covering their eyes.
Duffano tried to. "I can't!" she shouted desperately. "It's multiplying! There's- too- many! NOOOO!"
Five million Mary Sue windows appeared on the screen, each reading, "You have selected the Legomance! Please wait while the formula is loaded!" An obnoxiously and sickeningly pink Loading Bar pops up, embellished with flowers and romping puppies.
"Okay, you know what? This goes too far. I'm saving the story to a floppy disk." Duffano told everyone.
"Why?" Stephano wanted to know.
"You'll see," Duffano muttered, smiling evilly to herself and saving the story to a floppy disk. "There. Now I can get rid of this virus."
"How?"
Duffano took out a baseball bat. "With this," she said simply.
"Oh."
Duffano began smashing the computer, while bellowing, "TAKE THAT YOU FILTHY MARY SUES! AND THAT! AND THAT!"
The readers were saying to each other, "She's scary. But at least she hates Mary Sues."
"There. That should do it," said Duffano, highly satisfied. She had stopped, and was admiring the damage she had done.
"Shall we continue then?" prompted Stephano. "On this new and randomly appearing computer?" She held out said computer.
"Yeah," Duffano said, wiping sweat from her forehead. "But where'd we leave off? Oh, yes, the plot hole. Now I remember."
Gollum then threw the banana down, and jumped on Deagol, strangling him. Clutched by insanity, he decided that the sewer was a lovely place to live, and decided to stay. He lived for a great many years down there, despite various health hazards.
This all changed, however, when a band of plumbers and a certain Bilbo Baggins stumbled on him while taking a "short cut" through the sewers on their way to the plumber's old office. You see, the plumbers really wanted their spiffy red stapler back, and they had forgotten it when SMAUG, the Scientifically Magnificent Automobile Union Group, took it over. But that's a different story entirely.
Gollum had put the One Really Expensive Ring in a specific pile of nondescript filth material. But now he couldn't remember which one. Bilbo accidentally stepped on the pile that the Ring was in, and felt the significantly more solid form beneath his foot. He put the Ring in his pocket, right after blinding Gollum with reflected sunlight off on of the facets. He then ran as fast as he could in the other direction.
Gollum was not very happy about this. However, he was not like the museum, and couldn't get the FBI or the obscenely wealthy men to help him. So he just sat and brooded for a while. A very long while.
Bilbo, however, returned to his home in the sub division called The Shire. He brought with him many red staplers, which seemed to have developed an odd talent of multiplying. He sold these, and was able to buy an obscenely large house. And so, his neighbors were jealous, and hated him. He decided it would be wise, then, to not tell them about the ring he had found. Besides, finders, keepers; losers, weepers. And witnesses to the finding were simply not mentioned.
And this brings us to Chapter One.
"Wow, Stephano. I didn't think we'd ever finish," Duffano said, leaning back in her chair.
"Thank goodness we did," Stephano replied.
"I had thought for sure when we found that Mary Sue…"
"Well, we recovered all right at the end. It turned out okay, didn't it?"
One of the readers stood up. "Your story sucks," he said.
"SHOVE OFF!" the authors yelled at him.
"Or she'll hit you with her baseball bat!" Stephano said confidently. Then she realized her partner didn't have the bat. "Where's the bat?" she asked.
"I had it incinerated," Duffano told her.
"Why?"
"It was tainted with Sue-ness."
"Oh."
