"Wow, you people are inconsistent. I get like seven reviews in the half-hour after I post the story, and now like none. Maybe it's because I had to repost it…. But you guys should be able to figure out how to find it. For God's sakes there's a flipping SEARCH option," Duffano said.
"There isn't anymore to the story!" Stephano said. "I swear!"
"Yes, there is, Stephano."
"There is not!" she insisted.
Duffano put her hands on her hips and glared at Stephano. "There is so," she said firmly. "Now shut up so I can disclaim this thing."
Stephano crossed her arms, muttering under her breath.
Duffano rolled her eyes. "I suppose that's as good as I'm going to get. Anyway, this isn't ours. It's Tolkien's. You know that, I know that, but Stephano doesn't know that, so she's the only one learning anything here. And besides, if we owned it, she might know that it doesn't end at Gandalf at Gondor."
"IT DOES!"
"Okay Miss Constipation."
"Hey, leave my dysfunctional bowels out of this conversation!"
"That's gross. Never say that again."
Chapter Two
Gandalf walked into the Baggin's house a week later. He heard the TV going in the basement, and started towards it. He had to pick his way through a thick coating of underwear and socks that had accumulated on the floor. He wrinkled his nose at the empty potato chip bags that littered the steps to the basement. He received an unpleasant surprise when he stepped on something soft and squishy, and discovered it was a moldy salami sandwich.
"Frodo!" he called, fed up with the chaos. "Frodo, are you still alive in here? Or have the socks smothered you?"
"This is where it ends, right?" Stephano whispered.
"No, Stephano, it's not," Duffano said tiredly.
"That's right. Because it ended last chapter!" Stephano said triumphantly.
"No it didn't! Now shut up, Stephano!" Duffano snapped.
There was no answer. Now worried, Gandalf delved further into the basement, coming closer to the television. He found Frodo passed out on the couch, with a lampshade on his head, and a half-full bag of chips clutched to his chest. Gandalf turned off the television and hit him over the head with his umbrella. "WAKE UP FRODO!" he shouted.
Frodo jumped, and sat bolt upright. "AHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT?" he screamed.
"I'm back. I've something important for you to hear," Gandalf said.
"Gandalf? Is that you?" asked Frodo. "I can't see you. OH MY GOD! I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND GANDALF, BLIND!"
"Frodo, you idiot. Take that lampshade off of your head," Gandalf said, annoyed that Frodo was so stupid.
"Oh. I forgot I put that there," Frodo said, taking the lampshade off and returning it to the lamp.
"Why did you have a lampshade on your head in the first place?" Gandalf demanded.
Frodo said seriously, "It seemed logical at the time."
"Ah. Were you drunk?"
"No. But I've only had three hours of sleep all week."
"That might have something to do with it. What have you been doing all week that's made your home such a mess?" asked Gandalf.
"Nothing," Frodo answered.
"No rowdy parties?" Gandalf pressed, not believing Frodo.
"Well, Sam, Merry, and Pip were over the other day."
"Okay. By the way, Frodo, I was right. Your Really Expensive Ring is the One Really Expensive Ring."
"That's nice, Gandalf," Frodo said, eating some chips.
"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation, Frodo."
"The gravity of the situation is that you insist on continuing this charade!" Stephano shouted at Duffano. She had jumped to her feet and was pointing defiantly at Duffano.
"Charade? Shut up and sit down, Stephano. You don't know anything," Duffano answered calmly.
Stephano sat back down, scowling at Duffano.
Frodo had fallen back asleep. Gandalf hit him with the umbrella again. "Wake up, stupid."
Once he finally had gotten Frodo awake, Gandalf dragged him up the stairs and to the main floor of the house, and into the kitchen. "That Ring is the most evil thing in existence, Frodo."
Frodo yawned. "And?"
Gandalf hit him with the umbrella. "Stop being stupid!"
"Maybe if you'd stop killing my brain cells by hitting me…" Frodo grumbled.
"The Mob Boss Sauron wants this ring."
"Sauron?" Frodo said, in a high-pitched voice. He knew about Sauron. Gandalf had now convinced him of the severity of the situation.
"Yes, Frodo." Gandalf then told Frodo the history of the Ring (see Prologue). "Oh yeah, and Gollum finally came out of the sewer and told Sauron."
"Okay," said Frodo. "But that means- OH SHIT!"
"Yes, Frodo, it means that Sauron's super-hit-men, the Nazgul, are on their way to kill you."
Frodo stared at Gandalf, and then began screaming, "GANDALF HELP ME! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I HAVEN'T EVEN LOST MY VIRGINITY YET!" Frodo suddenly realized what he had just said. "I didn't just say that."
Gandalf was grinning. He loved being able to blackmail people. "Yes you did. And I heard you."
Frodo groaned. This was going to suck. "So, what should I do, Gandalf?" he asked.
"Well, first get laid-"
"I mean about the Ring!" Frodo interrupted hotly.
Gandalf smirked. "You need to go to Bree. You and the Ring should be safe until I get-"
Sam suddenly fell through the roof on top of them.
"SAMWISE GAMGEE!" Gandalf roared. "One, get off of me, and two why were you listening to our conversation through a hole in the roof?"
"But I wasn't!" Sam protested, covered with bits of plaster, insulation, and a shingle in his hair. He stood up quickly.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Gandalf shouted, standing and brushing himself off. "Why else would you be on the roof?"
Sam pulled the shingle out of his hair and held it out as evidence. "Erm, shingling the roof," he lied.
"You suck at lying, Sam," Frodo informed him. "Which sucks for you, since you seem to be a compulsive liar."
"But I'm not!" Sam lied.
"What did you hear?" Gandalf demanded.
"I heard that the story was over," Stephano said loudly. Everyone ignored her. She went and sat in a corner.
"Nothing! The hammer was too loud," Sam lied, again.
"Sam, if you had been hammering, we would have been able to hear it," Frodo pointed out.
"What did you hear, Samwise?"
"Something about the apocalypse," Sam said reluctantly
"Well, Frodo, he listens better than you do, apparently," Gandalf said.
Frodo pouted.
"Oh wipe that disgusting look off your face, Frodo. I've decided you're taking Sam with you."
"To stop the apocalypse? YAY!" Sam cried gleefully.
"Here, take my station wagon, boys," Gandalf said, holding the keys out. "Just don't ding the door. Last time that happened I had to pay-"
Sam snatched the keys from him, and yelled, "ROAD TRIP!" He and Frodo ran out to the car. "Wait, Frodo, I can't drive."
"For heaven's sakes, Sam, you're twenty three years old!" Frodo said, grabbing the keys from his friend and getting in the driver's seat. Sam slid into the passenger seat. "Ready for a road trip, Samwise?"
"HECK YEAH!" Sam shouted, punching the air with his fist. With that, they roared out of the driveway, narrowly avoiding the trashcans.
The drove without speaking for a while. Sam was having a fight with the radio, and wasn't able to find a good station.
"Just check Gandalf's CDs, Sam," Frodo said, watching the road.
Sam reached under his seat, which was apparently Gandalf's favorite place to store CD's. He shuffled through them. "Madonna?" he suggested.
"Hate her hair."
"Celine Dion?"
"God no!"
"Um… Cher's greatest hits, volume 87?"
"Just guess, Sam."
"Um… hey, never heard of this girl before. Renée Fleming. Haunted Heart album."
"Never heard of her. Might as well try it."
Sam popped in the CD. An insanely high soprano note came blaring through the speakers. He and Frodo covered their ears.
"Make it stop!" Frodo yelled over the opera.
Sam quickly ejected the CD, and threw it out of the window.
"I said make it stop, not destroy Gandalf's possessions!" Frodo shouted, his hands now back on the wheel.
"I'm sorry!" Sam shouted back. He rifled through the CDs again. He held one up. "Hey, what about Sounds of the Weather Channel?"
Frodo abandoned watching the road, and stared at Sam incredulously. "Sam, do you listen to yourself when you speak?"
"I drift in and out…."
"Just shut up, Sam."
"FRODO LOOK OUT!" Sam screamed.
Frodo put his eyes back on the road in time to swerve around an old lady crossing the street. Sam continued staring at her in the rearview mirror. "Why the hell was that old lady walking across a three lane state highway?" he wondered aloud.
The authors snickered.
"How the hell should I know?" Frodo shot back. His gaze fell on the gas meter. "Uh oh, Sam we need to stop for gas."
"Whatever."
They stopped at the local WaWa-
"We don't own that either," Duffano shouted.
"When are you going to stop trying to fool me into thinking that the story continues?" demanded Stephano.
"Would you stop being in denial, Stephano?"
They stopped at the local WaWa to fuel up and get snacks. They were roaming the small convenience store when two figures flew into them, knocking them down and sending candy and chips everywhere.
"Oops, sorry Sam, Frodo," Merry said, jumping up and hurriedly shoving candy bars into a backpack he carried with him.
"What the hell?" Frodo said, as Pippin began stuffing his pockets with packs of gum and breath mints.
Someone towards the front of the store began yelling. Something about someone stealing something. Realization dawned on Sam and Frodo.
"You've been into farmer Maggot's crop!" Sam shouted.
"Hold this," Merry told him, shoving the backpack into Sam's hands and loading more goods into it. "And why do you insist on referring to him as a farmer, Sam?"
"Yeah, he owns a WaWa for heaven's sakes," Pippin said, still shoving the stolen goods into his pockets.
"I'LL GET YOU, YOU HOOLIGANS!" Mr. Maggot of the WaWa shouted, waving a hero sandwich in a threatening manner.
"You gotta help us, guys," Merry said. Pippin gave a pathetic sort of pout.
"Gandalf's car's out front," Frodo said. "Now run!"
The four ran to the car. Frodo was driving as before, with Sam in the front. Merry and Pippin tumbled into the back with their booty. "DRIVE, DRIVE!" Pippin screamed, slamming the door closed. Frodo slammed on the gas, and they roared out of the WaWa.
A hearse drove by.
"You don't think that's important now," Duffano said, "but you will, believe me."
Gandalf jumped out of the car, and slammed the door shut. He took a deep breath of the fresh air, and turned to the mansion of Isengard. He knew that Saruman, his longtime friend and a longtime museum curator, would have an idea about what to do with the ring. Gandalf went to the door, and banged on it with his umbrella.
The door swung open, to reveal Saruman, an elderly man spiffily dressed in a white suit. "Ah, Gandalf, I had a feeling you would be coming."
"Yeah. Listen, Saruman, I found A Really Expensive Ring. Well, The One Really Expensive Ring, to be precise."
Saruman perked up at the mention of The One Really Expensive Ring. "Really? Well, come in, come in."
Gandalf entered. "What should we do, Saruman?"
"I don't know. Why did it take you so long to figure this out?"
"Because Bilbo had it in a portable safe buried in his back yard. And he was acting very protective of it, and almost kept it when I let slip that is was An Expensive Ring," Gandalf explained.
Saruman stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Hm. Well, this is a good time to show you… this," he said, reaching into his pocket and extracting a large round rock.
"Is that a-"
"Paperweight? Yeah, it was a Christmas present from my employees. I forgot I had it in here. Anyway, this is what I really wanted to show you." He extracted a black, sleek cell phone from his pocket. He fumbled with it, and it fell to the floor.
Gandalf picked it up. Saruman suddenly looked tense. "Give it back, Gandalf," Saruman commanded.
"No, I wanna see who you've been calling! Got a girlfriend? I've heard rumors that your cell phone bill has been extravagantly high lately…" Gandalf taunted, keeping the cell phone out of Saruman's reach. He held it aloft, and Saruman tried vainly to get it from the taller man.
"I forget. Which is taller?" Duffano asked Stephano.
"It doesn't matter!"
"You're just saying that because you're a sore loser, Stephano."
"Give it back!" Saruman whined.
"No, I wanna see!" Gandalf teased. He flipped open the cell phone and found the recent calls. He gasped. He saw, over and over again, the name Sauron. He jumped away from Saruman. "You've been calling Sauron!" he accused.
"Nuh uh!" Saruman protested.
"Then what's this?" Gandalf demanded, showing the incriminating evidence.
Saruman snatched the cell phone from Gandalf. "You know too much. I can't allow you to leave Isengard."
"Fat chance that you can stop me!" Gandalf turned towards the door.
"There is only one way to decide which of us has the power here, Gandalf," Saruman reminded him quietly.
"You can't mean-"
"Yes…" Saruman said. "The Price is Right!"
"Yes, you read that right," Duffano assured her readers.
"Are you SURE that there's more to the story?" Stephano whined.
"Stephano, we're not even a quarter of the way through of the Fellowship. Then we've got the Two Towers and the Return of the King. This is going to be a very long fanfic."
Stephano groaned and curled up in a ball on the floor.
"Well, it'll really be three. I think we'll have three different fics for each of the parts," Duffano continued, not noticing the state of Stephano.
"This is why I don't want there to be anymore to the story!" Stephano shouted at her from the floor.
With this outburst, Duffano realized that Stephano was lying on the floor. "Why are you on the floor?"
"Because it helps me deal with my emotional problems."
"Right…"
"Okay, so it doesn't."
"Didn't think so. Anyway, readers, come back soon! And review! It makes us happy," Duffano said.
