"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" yelled Stephano.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, even though I started another FanFiction recently in a fit of soda-induced insanity, we are still updating this one," Duffano said. "I can't let you guys down, now can I?"
Stephano pouted.
"Aw, Stephano, you're not still mad at me for writing it without you, are you?"
"Of course I am!" Stephano shouted. "I want to have a part in writing 'Rubber Ducky School of Clowncraft and Stupidity'!"
"Yay for shameless self-advertisement!" Duffano shouted, throwing confetti in the air.
"This sucks," Stephano grumbled.
"Well at least you're getting credit for this," Duffano snapped. "Unlike Nanners, who comes up with half of this stuff."
Nanners burst into the room. "I want credit damn it!" she screamed.
"I'm sorry Nanners. We'll try to work you in more," Duffano apologized.
"You damn well bleeding better!" Nanners shouted.
"So here's some publicity for your FanFiction, Nanners. Harry Potter and the Baker's Batter by LordHighCommanderOfTheUniverse is Nanners's fic."
"YAY PUBLICITY!" yelled Nanners, or LordHighCommanderOfTheUniverse, or Person as she is referred to by her sock puppet. And then Nanners ran off to write more of Harry Potter and the Baker's Batter.
Then Stephano began singing "Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell. ENCHURRITO MUCHO BURRITO!" from Kung Pow.
"Agh! All the advertisements, and product placements!" Duffano shouted. Then she picked up a Dr. Pepper and took a swig. "Ah," she sighed contentedly. "How cool and refreshing! Dr. Pepper, with it's crisp refreshing- NO! NO! I REFUSE TO BE AN UNWITTING MARKETING TOOL!" She threw down the can of Dr- "SODA!" she interrupted frantically.
The story said, "I am disclaimed- Pepsi-Cola. Duffano and Stephano –Gatorade- don't own- Twizzlers- Lord of the- Levitra- Rings."
"Now this really sucks," Stephano groaned. "I could go for some Dunkin' Donuts!"
"NO STEPHANO! DON'T GIVE IN TO THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT! NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Chapter Five
"This chapter is brought to you by Huggies!"
"NO! NO IT ISN'T!" Duffano screamed hysterically.
"Closed captioning provided by Jiffy-Lube!"
"This is a written story!" Duffano yelled. "There are no closed captions!"
And thus, the advertisements were temporarily silenced.
"And over here is the room where a very top secret weapon is," said their tour guide.
"What's in it?" Merry asked.
"Can't tell you."
"Awww… please?" Merry pleaded.
The tour guide raised his eyebrows at Merry. "Well, I could tell you…."
"YES!"
"But then I'd have to kill you."
"Uh… never mind…"The tour guide continued. "And over on your left is another room that is very top secret that you're also not allowed into."
"Dude, are there any rooms in this place where we are allowed in?" Pippin complained.
"Yeah, what's the point of having a guided tour if all it does is show you where you're not allowed?" demanded Merry.
The tour guide gave an exasperated sigh. "Well, I could let you into the secretary room. But don't read anything, or I'll have to kill you."
"What about the emergency exit sign?" Pippin asked.
"You can read that."
"And the no-smoking sign?"
"You can read that."
"And the no-pets allowed sign?"
"You can- SHUT UP! Just don't read anything on the desks or on the computers. Use your common sense, boy!"
"Oh, he doesn't have any of that," Sam said.
They passed Strider and Arwen, who were busy making out in a corner.
"That's just gross," Sam muttered to Frodo. Frodo glanced over at the lip-locked couple, and nodded his agreement.
The tour guide led them into a large room, filled with desks. A person sat at each desk, typing away at their computers. Frodo recognized one.
"Bilbo!" he shouted gleefully. He ran to his uncle- or third cousin seven times removed, or whatever it was- and gave him a big hug.
"Frodo, my boy!" Bilbo said, hugging his nephew- or whatever the true relation was.
"This Kodak moment brought to you by Kodak Film!"
"NO! STOP IT!" Duffano screamed.
"Bilbo, I've missed you!" Frodo cried.
"No human contact for the secretaries! Stop it!" yelled their tour guide.
"Oh come on," Bilbo pleaded. "It's my nephew. Well, technically he's my… um… aw hell I can't remember. Just call him my nephew. Anyway, somewhere in there, somebody did somebody else. That's all we need to know."
The tour guide looked as if he had swallowed a lemon. "Well… alright…. BUT NO READING!"
"How've you been, Bilbo?" Frodo asked.
"Good, good. I'm quite happy being a secretary. Gives me something to do, you know," Bilbo said.
"I'm glad Bilbo. Listen, I've got to run, but I'll come visit you later."
"All right Frodo."
And Frodo rejoined the tour. Pippin was badgering the tour guide again.
"Can I read that?" Pippin asked.
"That's the ceiling."
"Well can I read it?"
"Nothing's written on it."
"But if there was."
"That depends."
"Depends Underwear- for when you need reliable protection against bladder leakage!" an advertisement said.
"Depends on what?" Pippin pressed, not hearing the advertisement.
"Whether it was classified or not."
"Oh. Well what about that?"
"No."
"What?"
"You're not allowed to read that."
"Oh. Why not?"
"Because it's classified."
"Oh. What about that?"
"What about what?"
"The thing Sam's reading."
"What thing- WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING THROUGH THOSE FILES?"
Sam flinched guiltily, an open file folder in his hands. "N-n-n-nothin'. I-I-I ain't been lookin' in n-n-no files," he lied.
"Hey, Sam?"
"Yes, Frodo?"
"You still suck at lying."
"Now I'll have to kill him," the tour guide said tiredly.
Sam screamed, and wet himself. Strider and Arwen stopped making out for a moment, looked around, and went back to sucking each other's faces off. The tour guide developed an evil smile. "No, I have a better idea. You can go stand in that corner for Time Out," he said, pointing to Strider and Arwen's make out corner.
"But they're making out in it!" Sam protested.
"Punishment," the tour guide said toothily.
"This is cruel and unusual punishment!" yelled Sam.
"Yeah, seriously," Merry said. "They're squelching over there."
And then, in a confusing chain of events, involving duck sauce and a beluga wale, the Council of Elrond had arrived.
"I dunno… I got nothing…" Duffano muttered. "You, Stephano?"
"Can I have some Dunkin' Donuts?"
"Oh nevermind." Duffano frowned. "I've got writer's block. Damn."
A pop-up window popped up on the screen. It read: "Stuck on your story? Want some pizzazz? Some spice, some kick to your narrative? CLICK HERE to enhance your story!"
"OOOH! CLICKY!" Stephano yelled.
"No, Stephano, don't!" Duffano shouted, diving for Stephano. But she was too slow. Stephano had already clicked on the pop-up.
Seven hundred million Mary Sue Central windows popped up. "Welcome to Mary Sue Central!" they read. "Version 6.0, now even more perfect!"
Everyone stared at the screen in horror. Duffano was the first to recover. She grabbed the keyboard and hit Stephano over the head with it. "You idiot!" she yelled. "Now you've gone and infected the computer again! God only knows what version 6.0 of the Sue virus will do!"
Everyone watched and waited. They half expected the computer to turn pink and sprout bows and rainbows and a unicorn horn.
But nothing happened.
They waited some more. Surely at least a tinge of pink…?
Still, nothing happened.
"Odd," Duffano said. "You'd think that it'd be six time worse. Since it's version 6.0…"
"Yeah," Stephano said. "But maybe it's just like, lying in wait. You know, it'll pop up later on…."
"Oh shut up Stephano. You were weak minded enough to be ensnared by Dunkin' Donuts, why should I listen to any of your ideas?"
"Um…"
"Where were we?"
"Council of Elrond."
"Oh. Right."
Moving right along to the Council of Elrond, which will receive no introduction or exposition due to the purveying laziness and stopped creative flow of the authors….
Elrond, head of the FBI, stood up. "Look, that ring is The One Really Expensive Ring. And it is really expensive. And Sauron really wants it. So… we're sorta screwed. Since we have it."
"I fail to see why we don't just smelt it," Frodo muttered to Gandalf.
"AN UNFORTUNATE SMELTING ACCIDENT!" screamed Stephano.
"Stephano, stop making dumb Austin Powers references!"
"Shut up, Frodo," Gandalf snapped. "You don't know anything."
"Then let's destroy it!" yelled Gimli, a plumber with a particularly hairy butt crack. He leaped up, and grabbed his plunger. He lunged to the table where the Ring was, and slammed the plunger down on the ring.
However, Gimli forgot that his plunger was made out of rubber and therefore quite- er- bouncy.
And so it bounced out of his hands and hit Legolas- a CIA agent- in the face.
"You know," Strider said, after everyone stopped laughing at Legolas, "in some cultures you would now be considered married."
Everyone stared at Strider. Elrond began plotting to break him and Arwen up. He didn't want his daughter going around with some crazy lunatic.
Boromir stood up. He was the eldest son of the Vice-Curator of The Museum. He was also head of The Museum's vast security forces. "Don't you see? We could use this against him? We could force him to leave and never return, in exchange for the Ring!"
"Don't be stupid," Strider said. Boromir scowled at him. "That would never work.
"Oh, and you're so smart, aren't you?" Boromir snapped. "You probably didn't graduate middle school, stupid hunter!"
Legolas jumped up angrily. "How dare you speak to him that way! That is no ordinary hunter! That is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the future Curator of The Museum! You owe him your paycheck!"
Strider- er- Aragorn looked embarrassed. "Shut up, Legolas!" he yelled. Legolas sat down looking miffed.
Boromir looked more than miffed. "The Museum doesn't need a curator!" he yelled. And then he sat down again.
"Whatever. Anyway," Elrond continued, "the only way the One Really Expensive Ring can be safe is if it's put back in its nifty plexi-glass box."
"Well that's easy," Boromir muttered. I'll just take it home and put it back."
"No," Elrond said. "It's in Mordor."
Boromir blanched. "The Dreaded Back Room?"
Elrond nodded. "It will not be an easy task."
"I'll take it!" Legolas said.
"No I will!" yelled Gimli.
"But what if you fail?" snapped Boromir.
Soon everyone was yelling. Except for Frodo. He was sitting there, wondering when this would be over. He really had to pee. He realized that they wouldn't stop arguing until someone completely unexpected volunteered. He stood up and yelled, "Fine! I'll take it!" No one noticed him. He stepped up onto the table and bellowed, "I SAID I'D TAKE IT! I WILL TAKE IT!" They turned to stare at him. "But I'll need some MapQuest directions…"
"Don't worry, I'll drive you," Gandalf said.
"But Gandalf, they blew up your car…"
"We can use a limo! I'll drive it! I've always wanted to drive a limo," Gandalf said.
"All right…"
"I'll come too," Legolas said. "You need proper security anyway."
"And I'll come!" Aragorn said. "That way we can eat for free if I hunt!"
"I'll come, in case you encounter plumbing problems," Gimli said.
"And I'll come," Boromir said. "Just in case you screw up."
Sam burst into the room. "I'M COMING TOO!" he yelled.
"Sam, why were you listening to our very important, very secret council through the keyhole?" Elrond asked.
"I wasn't!" Sam said indignantly.
"Then how did you know that Frodo was going somewhere?"
Sam opened his mouth, realized he was caught, and closed it again.
Merry and Pippin fell out of the air duct. "I told you that screw was important!" Merry yelled at Pippin.
"Well I'm sorry!"
"Where you listening too?" Elrond shouted.
"Yes," Merry said, unabashed. "Why?"
"You have horrible security, Elrond," Legolas informed him.
"Shut up!" Elrond snapped. "They're going too, now. There, all better." Legolas just rolled his eyes.
"Yay!" yelled Pippin. "Wait, is this still the road trip to stop the apocalypse?"
"Yes," Elrond told him.
"Oh. Okay then!"
There was an awkward pause, when everyone stared at each other.
"Can we stop for ice cream on the way?" asked Pippin.
"For heaven's sakes, Pip…"
"AND WE ARE DONE WITH THE CHAPTER!" shouted Duffano.
"Thank goodness," Stephano sighed. "Now we can go to Dunkin' Donuts."
"Damn it, Stephano! Stop listening to the PR demons!"
"Well, I'm sorry. I'm soooo sorry I like Dunkin' Donuts."
"Oh just stop it."
"Levitra!"
"NO! STEPHANO! NOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO US?"
"Relax, I was just kidding."
"Don't scare me like that! I hate you!"
"Oh no you don't. You love me and you know it."
"Stop with the puppy dog eyes! Stop it!" Duffano sighed. "All right, Stephano. I admit it. I love you."
"EWWW!"
"OH YOU LITTLE-"
