Duffano skipped into the room. "Well, this place is certainly very untidy," she said, looking around. "I guess that's what happens to nondescript places where laws of nature are bent to suit our wishes when they go unused for months at a time."
Stephano staggered in. "Yeah, and so in a fit of illness induced delirium, we will try to write another chapter."
Duffano nodded, and pulled a feather duster out of nowhere. She began dusting the mantle.
"We have a mantle?" Stephano asked.
Duffano glanced at the feather duster, at the mantle, and then at Stephano. "Er… we do now."
"Oh… okay."
Duffano went back to dusting the conveniently placed mantle. "Anyway, we're home from school today because we're both sick."
"Especially since we're only one person."
"Precisely."
"Hey, Duffano, do you ever wonder why we decided to write this fic as if we were two people and not one?"
Duffano paused, and glanced at Stephano. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," she said.
"Wasn't that a Star Trek quote?" Stephano asked.
"… No."
"You dork."
"Stephano, we're writing a spoof about Lord of the Rings. Do you think that our readers don't already know that I'm a dork? I mean, it takes one to know one, after all."
Stephano looked around. "Hey, where are the readers?" she asked.
Duffano shrugged. "Up there," she said, pointing at the ceiling.
Stephano looked up and saw the readers, suspended in cages from the ceiling. She grabbed a broom handle and began poking them.
"Stephano!"
"What?"
"Stop abusing the readers!"
"As if you didn't abuse them by locking them in cages and hanging them from an imaginary ceiling?"
"Well, the cages are imaginary too."
Upon realizing this, all the readers fell out of the imaginary cages and fell onto the floor, which was also, more or less, imaginary.
Stephano smiled at them, and said, "Duffano, I have a feeling that this chapter is going to be full of paradoxes."
"Hoo-rah," Duffano said, in a Marine-like fashion.
Chapter
"Stephano? What chapter is it?"
"Who cares?"
"Fine!"
Chapter
The Fellowship of the Ring stood ranged around Elrond in the FBI headquarters lobby. The members of the FBI stood facing them, with Elrond at their head.
Everyone stared at each other for a while, waiting. No one really knew what they were waiting for, but they had the dim idea that something important was supposed to be happening, but wasn't. Elrond began whistling absentmindedly.
"Well, that was a mistake," Duffano muttered.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Stephano asked.
"I think so."
"Time to break out the musical theatre."
"Hell yeah, bitches."
A pit orchestra started playing from nowhere in particular. Their song was "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" (A/N: Spoofed from The Last Five Years by Jason Robert Brown. Check it out, it rocks.). Elrond started singing, and non-specific techies put on mood lighting from nowhere in particular.
Remember, protect the ring,
Don't leave it by the road, please.
I'm saying goodbye,
And you're going away.
And so I'll just sing.
All of our hopes,
Every last one,
Is wrapped inside your frat boy fate.
Please don't screw up,
I'll kick your ass if I must.
And goodbye, until tomorrow, goodbye.
Until you've finished the job,
And I will be waiting, I will be waiting.
Goodbye, until tomorrow, goodbye,
'Til you have killed Sauron,
And I will be waiting, I will be waiting for you.
I wish you the best of luck,
Because I think you'll need it.
I hope you don't die,
Because that would suck,
With the apocalypse coming.
So please get going,
Don't have much time,
We only have a few days you see.
Please hurry up,
Before Sauron launches a siege.
And wipes out the world.
So goodbye, until tomorrow, goodbye,
Can you see the importance?
And I will be waiting, I will be waiting.
Goodbye, until tomorrow, goodbye,
Until we're finally safe,
And I will be waiting, I will be waiting for you.
Elrond finished his song, the pit orchestra stopped playing from nowhere in particular, and the non-specific techies turned off the mood lighting from nowhere in particular and melted into the shadows. Everyone stood there for a minute.
"Well, that was interesting," Gandalf said. "I didn't know you were a soprano, Elrond."
"Were you listening to my song? We don't have time! Get moving!" Elrond shouted.
"Oh, right. Come on, everyone, let's-" Gandalf started.
"ROAD TRIP!" yelled the college boys, and they pelted out to the limo that was waiting for them outside. The rest of the fellowship followed slowly.
Gandalf sat in the front, with Aragorn beside him in the passenger seat. The rest of them piled into the back with the four college boys.
Merry and Pippin were singing at the tops of their voices:
We're off to save the world,
To save the world from Sauron.
Because because because because,
Because we really don't want to die.
"You realize that that doesn't follow the rhyme scheme or tune at all, right?" Duffano asked Stephano.
"Whatever. They don't know the difference."
"Maybe with 'Goodbye Until Tomorrow', since The Last Five Years is pretty obscure, but not with 'We're Off to See the Wizard'. Everyone knows that song!"
"LOOK! I DON'T CARE!"
"ALRIGHT! Jeez…"
They were stopped at a rest stop, eating their lunch at the picnic tables there. Gandalf had a road map spread upon the table in front of him. "Okay, now, if we take Route 100 west, and then get on I-97, we should be able to get to the Museum without too much trouble," he was saying to Aragorn.
Merry, Pippin, and Boromir ran out of the convenience store at the rest stop, all holding large baguettes. They started to whack each other repeatedly with the bread, while the rest of the Fellowship just watched, gape mouthed.
"I don't get it," Sam said.
"You're not supposed to," Aragorn replied.
"Gandalf, why don't we take the Subway to the Museum?" Gimli asked, scratching his plumber's butt crack thoughtfully.
Gandalf grimaced at the plumber. "Um… thanks, but… no."
"Why not?" Gimli demanded.
Just then, Legolas started twitching. Gandalf recognized this as a sign that something was coming in on the agent's earpiece, and watched him intently, glad for an excuse to ignore Gimli.
"OW!" Pippin yelled from the bread fight, dropping his baguette. "Boromir, you just got crumbs in my eyes!"
"Oh, damn. Sorry," Boromir said, lowering his own loaf.
Pippin promptly shoved the end of his baguette into Boromir's eye. "DOGPILE!" yelled Merry, and the two tackled the security guard.
"ORGY!" Stephano yelled.
"No, Stephano. Under no circumstances will they have an orgy," Duffano snapped.
"Kill joy," Stephano muttered.
"Stop it," Aragorn scolded, going over to the flailing mass of stupidity. "You'll get grass stains on his uniform, and those are a bitch to get out."
Merry turned and whacked Aragorn in the crotch with his baguette. Aragorn groaned, and flopped over.
"I hope you weren't planning on eating that," Frodo called. "You might get herpes."
"I DO NOT HAVE-" Aragorn started to bellow breathlessly.
"Why is Legolas twitching?" Sam asked.
"His ear piece short circuited and is frying what little brain he has," Gimli answered promptly.
"No," Boromir said. "He's getting information from CIA."
Legolas scowled at Gimli. "The butterflies are coming!" he said urgently.
The college boys stared at him. "And this is a problem because…?" Merry asked.
Gandalf, who was looking rather panicked, hit him over the head with the rolled up map. "Stupid boy!" he yelled. "That's what Saruman uses for spies! We'll have to change our route, his house is way too close to I-97 for it to be safe."
"Really? Butterflies for spies?" Pippin asked with interest. "Well that brings his gay-o-meter reading up to an unsurpassed level."
"Quick, to the limo! I have just what we need," Gandalf cried, racing for the limo. Curiously, the others followed while performing the choreography for "West Side Story."
"Nice save of our theme, there, Duffano."
"Whatever Stephano. It would help if we hadn't tried to start this nine million times."
Ten minutes later, the Fellowship was sitting around the picnic table one more. This time, however, they were dressed as women, in an attempt to throw off the apparently dangerous butterflies.
"You know, Gandalf- excuse me- Gandalfina, you having drag in the back of the limo 'just in case' might beat Saruman's butterflies on the gay-o-meter," Pippin said to Gandalf, pushing uselessly against the frizzy red afro wig he had been forced into.
"Are these really supposed to chafe?" Merry wanted to know, scratching himself and readjusting the stuffed sports bra he had on.
"SHHH!" Gandalf hissed, pointing past the parking lot. A vague haze of color was lazily flapping in their direction.
"Hey, why didn't we just leave?" Frodo asked. Gandalf hit him in the head with the absurdly large purse he was carrying.
And then the butterflies were upon them. "Don't. Move," Gandalf muttered out of the corner of his mouth, trying to move as little as possible.
As quickly as they had come, the butterflies flew off in a decidedly un-butterfly-like fashion. Everyone at the table breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed. At least, until a young couple pushing a stroller stared at them strangely, and hurried back to their van.
"Snobs," sniffed Gandalf.
"Gandalf, we're in drag," Frodo reminded him.
"Oh… right. Let's get out of it, then!"
Ten minutes later, they were male once again, and well on their way down Route 100. Serenity reigned… not.
"SOMEONE FARTED!" Merry screamed.
"For heaven's sake, Merry, it's not that bad," Aragorn snapped.
"SOMEONE CUT THE CHEESE!" Merry continued.
"Stop complaining! It was probably you, anyway!" Aragorn retorted.
"THERE IS FLATULENCE IN THE AIR!" Pippin yelled.
"Oh for the love of-"
"WHO BLEW OFF?"
"WHO LET ONE RIP?"
Frodo groaned, and opened the window for some fresh air. He stuck his head out the window and took a deep breath.
"You know what'd be really funny, Duffano?" Stephano said eagerly.
"What, Stephano?"
"If he got hit in the head with debris and his head was ripped off."
Duffano stared at Stephano. "No," she said flatly.
"Aw, c'mon!"
"NO! We are NOT killing the main protagonist, and that is FINAL!"
"…What about maiming?"
"No, Stephano!"
"You are so immature," Legolas said to Merry and Pippin. "Grow up."
Merry and Pippin glared at him, and started singing,
It's a hard-knock life for us!
It's a hard-knock life for us!
We get yelled at, and scolded,
We get beat up, and get kicked,
It's a hard-knock life!
They don't like our humor, so,
It's the hard-knock row we hoe.
No one loves us, and they're mean,
And someone just ate some beans,
And so it really stinks!
They proceeded to attempt an energetic dance number with some randomly appearing buckets and brooms. Gandalf swore, and jerked the wheel when a soggy mop head hit him in the back of the head, throwing Frodo out the open window.
"So much for not maiming the main protagonist," muttered a reader.
"OH SHIT!" yelled all the occupants of the limo.
Gandalf slammed on the brakes-
"Can Boromir get thrown through the windshield?"
"NO, Stephano!"
Gandalf slammed on the brakes, jerking everyone against their restraints. Aragorn quickly unbuckled himself, and practically threw himself out of the car, narrowly missing the gory ending envisioned by Stephano at this point. Boromir followed more slowly for a reason that will conveniently be ignored for the better part of this story.
"Are you okay, Frodo?" Aragorn asked.
"I was just thrown from a moving vehicle!" Frodo screamed hysterically. "And you're asking me if I'm OKAY? OKAY? Yes, Aragorn, I am spectacular! I may have broken several ribs, and might be bleeding to death internally as we speak, but I'm BLOODY PEACHY!"
"Jeez, it was just a simple question. Don't get your panties in a twist, Grandma," Aragorn said sullenly, pulling Frodo to his feet.
Frodo checked his pockets. "OH NO! AND NOW I LOST THE FREAKING RING!"
Boromir was standing a few feet away from them, holding the Ring. "Found it," he said, staring at the Ring.
They waited for him to give Frodo the Ring.
And waited.
And waited.
It was nearly twilight when they figured out that Boromir was not going to hand over the Ring under his own willpower. "BOROMIR!" Aragorn yelled.
Boromir twitched. "What?"
"Give Frodo the Ring."
"But I like it."
"NOW!"
"FINE!" Boromir yelled. He chucked the Ring at Frodo, and ran back to the limo, slamming the door closed behind him.
Saruman was watching the footage from the microscopic cameras attached to his flock of butterflies. "So… changing your route, are you?" he said, with a diabolical air. "Well, if you won't go by 97, then I'm sure 100 can be just as dangerous…. Dangerous enough, perhaps to resort to taking the Subway…."
Legolas was twitching a lot again. Sam thought this was really creepy, and yelled for Gandalf to stop him. But Gandalf said something about earpieces and asked Legolas what he was hearing.
"I'm picking up weird signals," Legolas answered. "Scattered words. Swoop and squat…. What's a swoop and squat?"
"According to Allstate Insurance commercials, it's an insurance fraud technique," Aragorn said.
"You know a lot of useless information, Aragorn," Merry informed him.
"Shut up," Aragorn snapped.
"Well, anyway, there's stuff about a limo. Something like attack," Legolas said.
Gandalf paled. "He's sending cars after us!" A car zoomed by them, and angled to run them off the road. Gandalf swerved around it.
"LOOK!" screamed Boromir, point out the window at an exit sign. "It's the exit to I-97! We can get off here, and get to the Museum quicker!"
"We'll get too close to Saruman's!" Aragorn screamed back.
"LOOK!" screamed Gimli, pointing out another window to a Subway station. "We can take the Subway!"
Gandalf did not look pleased at this prospect.
"The Subway," Saruman muttered, as if he could read Gandalf's mind. "You fear to go into the Subway. You know what waits in those tunnels, what stalks along those tracks." He pulled a random book off his bookcase, and flipped through it to a picture of a train. "Metal… and glass!"
More cars swarmed towards the Fellowship's limo. "We can't exactly stay on 100, you know," Boromir said to Gandalf. "Not with these conditions."
"Hey, Frodo! You get to decide!" Gandalf called.
"But, I-"
"Well? Which way are we going?"
Frodo looked worried, and yelled, "SUBWAY!"
Gandalf looked grave, and said, "So be it."
"THE END!" Stephano yelled.
"Yeah, since the script site we use chunks it like this. We'll be following it for the most part," Duffano said. "Unless some of the scenes are ridiculously long and we don't want to. BWUHA!"
"Rate, review, or DIE!" Stephano said, threatening the readers with a rusty ax.
"Where did you get that ax?"
"I found it…"
