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The forest was quiet but for the beating of my own heart and the distant song of a blackbird. This was absolutely terrifying, this joy and excitement my body was running high on.
There was no going back now. The way forward was blurry and unclear in my head – but for him to vanish into the world wasn't even an option for me now.
It started raining again, the sound of raindrops hitting the foliage creating a constant hum around us. I could still feel his lips on mine, even though we'd broken apart. I could still feel every little thing.
It took a while to get myself together again. I heard his breathing; it was erratic as mine, but slowed down much quicker.
I moved away slightly, and he took a step back, but kept his hands on my forearms. Even though I had several layers of clothes on, it was like his touch burned my bare skin.
Tongue-tied, I focused on his hands. Wherever they had been, whatever they had done; they were gentle now. Almost familiar.
He didn't say anything, and when I eventually did, it was in earnest and very much needed, but maybe not a topic one would usually bring up after a kiss.
''I heard about Finn.''
He hid it well, but I saw that he was hurt. And god, right now I just wanted to pack up and leave with him. Not choose anything but him.
''I'm sorry.''
Elijah averted his eyes, running his fingers over my hands. ''He wanted it.''
''What do you mean?''
''He has long since wanted to be rid of his... curse. To him, our entire species is an abomination.''
I watched his face, saw the subtle changes – his jaw tensing, his downcast eyes, the way he barely opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but didn't.
''Do you think it's a curse too?''
Elijah traced a crease in my jacket. ''Sometimes.''
Even though I wished every thought like that gone from his mind, I could see why. Even if it was sure to have had its ups, there had to have been moments during a thousand years that were just... bleak. When everything seemed endless and dark.
''When are you going?''
''As soon as possible.''
I sucked in a breath. Closing my eyes, I tried to conceal my... disappointment? Sadness? Tiredness? My instincts told me it wasn't the end, but it was so tiring to never get to just... settle in peace.
''Will you let me know?''
Elijah nodded. Then, in a low voice, he suggested, ''You could come with me.''
He sounded so young just then. So vulnerable. It broke my heart when I said what I had to.
''I want to,'' I said. ''But I... I need to go someplace- someplace I can work. Maybe take some classes. I can't disappear. I can't run.'' That's what it meant, didn't it? They would disappear, they wouldn't settle anywhere. And they would go further than I was ready for. Elijah nodded, understanding, and I had to say something – we could figure something out, because if this would be the last time I saw him because of that, I wasn't sure if I wanted it anymore. ''But-''
I could have killed my phone for ringing right then, but then I realised that it was his and I couldn't be just as mad.
After checking the screen, he gave me an apologetic look. Smiling slowly, I gestured him that it was okay and leaned against a tree, waiting for him to come back.
I could see his back when he talked, so quietly that I couldn't hear a word. It was almost surreal, what had happened. And even though it seemed like I was losing him, I wasn't really. I was sure of it.
Then he hung up, and I felt like smiling when I saw him turn around and walk towards me.
''I have to take care of something,'' he said, slowly coming closer until he could dip his head and kiss me.
When he pulled back, I grabbed hold of his jacket. ''Don't disappear,'' I whispered, and he looked down at my hand grasping his coat so tightly that my knuckles turned white. In a spur of the moment kind of thing, I drew him to me and kissed him again, desperately. Having him this close was almost addictive. I wasn't ready for it, but I never wanted to give it up.
''I won't,'' he said, his voice breathy, and with a parting peck on my forehead he was gone.
My emotions went haywire for the rest of the day, and a few more. Stuck between nervousness, disbelief, and a happy high – I tried as best as I could to clear my head. There was too much going on to allow myself not to think straight.
I pondered the idea of going with him somewhere. And, god, I wanted to. I wanted to leave Mystic Falls. And not only because of him. It wasn't home anymore. Home is where the heart is, and my heart had shattered.
Even so, a smile kept creeping onto my lips without warning when I thought of him. Clearly, it had shattered and settled in different places. Elijah. Elena. Damon. Sarah. The list went on.
But I had to. I had to leave, so that I could come back one day and not see this place like I did now. Like a graveyard. And it wouldn't be because of Elijah. I would leave because it was the right thing for me to do. And even if leaving my friends would hurt, it wouldn't be forever. It couldn't be forever. I cared too much.
The first time I saw Damon in person since that day in the mansion he looked just like he always did. I didn't know what I expected. He moved healthily, like he hadn't been bled almost completely dry.
''Hey,'' I greeted him when he walked up to the bar at the Grill. ''How are you?''
''Better than last time I saw you,'' he said and made a gesture with his hands. ''Clearly.''
He didn't give me any time to respond before he continued. ''So,'' he said. ''When are you leaving?''
I frowned. ''How-''
''I know you,'' he smirked. ''And you're easier to read than you think.''
I gave it a moment's thought before I retorted: ''So you heard me talk to Sarah in the back room?''
Damon ignored my comment and slid onto a seat. ''I just have one question,'' he said. ''Is it for you or for him?''
That was really all it took, now. One small mention of him, and warmth spread through my chest. And it was a justifiable question. I honestly liked Damon even better for it.
''Me,'' I replied.
He nodded. ''Good.''
I threw a glance around the room, and it looked like I had some more time to spare. Setting down the tray of dirty dishes I'd been carrying, I bit down on my lip hoping my question would help me make sense of some things. Make sure of some things.
''What did you do to Rebekah?''
Damon rested his arms on the counter. ''You mean if I deserved it? Probably.''
I hummed, fiddling with the edge of the tray.
''Hey,'' he said with a sudden change in tone. ''If you're going... Don't feel bad. Honestly, I don't get it. But I get you. You're my friend,'' he added.
''Thanks,'' I mumbled. ''I just... I'd hate leaving and then finding out something happened that I could've prevented, you know?''
''I know. But don't worry. If we need you, I'll come get you.''
I looked at him.
He held his fingers up, crossed. ''Promise.''
Throwing another look around the room, my eyes caught Sarah's who somehow managed to signal me that she had me covered. I couldn't help but smile at her attempt. She got the point across, but looked really silly doing it.
And then Elena's face popped up in my head. I thought to ask him about her, why she seemed so distant. Maybe he knew something I didn't.
''Whatever it is, out with it,'' I heard Damon say, and when I looked up from the spot my gaze had caught on he was smiling expectantly.
I tried to ease my nerves. As soon as I felt them, I knew they were already telling me what his answer would be. That it would be something I probably didn't like. Finally, I just threw the question out there. ''Did Elena say anything about that night? When Bonnie broke the linking spell.''
''Not much,'' Damon said. ''She wanted to get it over with. Sorry,'' he added to cover his bluntness, but I was more concerned with what Elena was thinking.
''Be straight with me, please,'' I said. ''I know there's something you're not saying. Just say it.''
There was no silence in the restaurant whatsoever, but I couldn't hear a thing but a low buzzing in my ears while waiting for his answer.
''She was ready for them to die,'' Damon said finally.
And there it was. I could always trust my gut. I just wished that wasn't always the case.
''She... what?'' I was so shocked that I could hardly put words together.
Damon looked taken aback at my response. ''She didn't tell you?''
I wrung my hands, shaking my head. ''We talked, about- about things, but she didn't- No, she never did.''
Words escaped me as I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that she had been able to sit through our talk about Elijah and not say a single word about that. She'd been in on it, obviously, I wasn't that oblivious; but that she had been prepared, without remorse if I could trust the way Damon had said it, to let them all die? Had she only talked to me so easily about it because they weren't linked anymore?
''Are you sure?'' I asked, looking at him.
''Yeah.''
I swallowed, but it didn't get rid of the lump that had formed in my throat.
''It took a lot for her to get there,'' Damon said.
''Mhm,'' I replied absentmindedly, my fingers finding the tray, tapping incessantly against the edge.
''You should probably talk.''
I let out a sigh. ''Yeah, probably. Sorry,'' I added, watching my fingers tremble and trying to suppress the anxiety.
Damon waved it off. ''Don't feel bad,'' he said, repeating his words from before, even though I was pretty sure they held a different meaning this time.
I went to her house after work, half expecting her to be somewhere else. But, by some miracle, she opened the door when I rang the bell.
A kind of mutual understanding established between the both of us, I could tell. As soon as we saw each other, we knew what we had to talk about.
''What happened?'' I asked her when we were seated inside. ''With Finn?''
Elena averted her eyes. ''What do you mean?'' she asked, mumbling.
I didn't want to come here and point my finger at her, making accusations. But I needed to ask her about it, because I had to understand. Out of everyone, I never thought she would change her mind like that.
The words felt wrong and harsh on my tongue when I spoke them. But maybe they should be.
''I know you planned on killing one of them when they were still linked. That you wanted them dead.''
She took a deep breath and seemed ashamed, but not nearly as much as the Elena I thought I knew would have been.
''Why?'' I asked. ''I don't get it. At least with Elijah. You respected him, on some level. I know you did.''
''Are you mad at me?''
Yes.
''I'm just...'' A part of me wanted to yell at her just how wrong I thought she was, but I held it back. ''I'm saying that there's a difference between doing something with or without guilt.''
Elena leaned forward, resting on her elbows, and let out an exasperated sigh. ''I'm giving up, okay?'' she said, her voice turning angry and bitter. ''They have caused so much suffering since coming here. And I'm sick of it.''
I knew the feeling. Maybe not like her, but on some level, I did. ''So what do you think of me, then?'' I asked.
''Nothing bad.''
Nothing bad, but she didn't understand me. Maybe, if I told her how I felt, how I wished things could maybe, how they might actually become someday... ''I'm still your friend, you know,'' I said, and tried, ''I just wish you would-''
''I can't,'' she said immediately, and any hope I had was gone with the look on her face just then.
''Okay,'' I managed to get out. ''Okay. I don't get it, and I don't think it's right, but okay.''
An uncomfortable silence settled between us. I glanced at her – she was pressing her lips together tightly and staring at her hands.
I attempted another start at a conversation, but was beginning to realise that it wasn't going to lead anywhere. The best I could hope for was a goodbye that wasn't horrible. ''They're leaving, you know.''
''Are you going with him?'' she asked, and there was something in her voice that I couldn't pinpoint. It was the same feeling as last time we talked.
She met my eyes and I saw that she was torn. That was a good sign, even if she didn't think so.
''I'm going,'' I said. ''That's all I know.''
''When?''
''I'm not sure yet.''
I didn't know what else to say. I felt discouraged. We were both stubborn, and I had bent myself as far as I could right now. I had more to give, sure, but I couldn't give it. I had to draw the line, that damned line that was so difficult to place because it hurt. It really hurt.
''I'll miss you,'' Elena said. ''I'm sorry.''
I left her house feeling empty. Somehow, that ended up worse than I had expected and not resolved at all. I refused to believe that she couldn't change her mind. Maybe she wouldn't, not right now, but given time. So maybe that's what she needed. What we both needed, so our friendship didn't break.
Somehow I made my way through several ''goodbyes'', after my bittersweet meeting with Elena. It was settled, and the more people I talked to the more it became irreversible.
I met Bonnie at work, and when I tried to casually mention my plans I could see the disapproval in her eyes. I don't think she was even trying to hide it. Even when I said it wasn't why she thought, not completely, she still looked disturbed. It didn't have much to do with me, I guess, but more vampires in general. She didn't trust them, and she did have many reasons for it.
Stefan came to see me, not the other way around. He was calm, collected. Mentioned Elena briefly and apologetically, but more for my sake then anyone else's – and I realised how similar we were. Even though we never were that close, despite my friendship with Elena and Damon, and we never hung out a lot; there was something in him that mirrored me. A quietness I couldn't really describe. He understood me, and he didn't judge.
And then there was Caroline.
It was strange. When she first became a vampire and bit me, I was terrified of her. It took time for me to even barely manage to be in her presence without freaking out. The conversation we had made me realise what a rock she had become. There was no fear anymore, only trust. It didn't matter that we weren't super close – she was one of those friends who would go right back to being your friend even if months or years had passed.
''Don't feel bad,'' she said, when we met on my way home from work. ''I know most of us don't really... like any of them; but none of us dislike you for it, okay?''
''I think maybe Bonnie does,'' I said. ''A little.''
''She just needs time,'' Caroline said, and added after a moment's pause, ''and space.''
''And you?'' I asked, gripping the handlebars tighter. ''You and... Klaus.''
Caroline looked away. Something had been going on between her and him, from what I'd heard. And I knew how surprising Klaus could be. ''No comment,'' she said eventually.
''I'm glad you don't hate me for it,'' I said honestly.
''I don't think I could ever hate you, Ev. I know we've been through... things, I'm just happy you don't hate me.''
I laughed. ''Yeah, me too.''
''You need anything, you call me, okay?'' she said, her eyes boring into mine. ''And we'll see each other sometime.''
''Could you keep an eye on the house for me? Just... check in on it once in a while.''
''Of course,'' Caroline said with a smile.
Maybe she couldn't tell, maybe she could – but her response made me happier than most things had done lately. I didn't know why I hadn't picked up on it before, the sense of security radiating off of her. Maybe it hadn't been there before. Maybe it was just starting to show.
I went through the back door to the backyard after I'd gotten dinner. It was easier, being inside. But it was more peaceful out there. Huddled up under a blanket, I had spent most of the night trying my best to think.
If I figured out where life was taking me, then I had things to take care of. Make sure everything was in order. Talk to some people again. I wasn't sure if I'd see Elena, if there was anything else to say right now, but it hurt, leaving like this.
And I had to talk to Elijah. I had to know where we stood. As much as a kiss meant, words sometimes meant more. I wanted to be with him. For once in my life, I wanted to just do something... Take charge. Leave bad things behind and go somewhere else. I hadn't felt this determined the last time I left, and I wasn't leaving anyone behind then.
Sighing softly, I buried my face in the blanket. All of this was frightening – but somehow it was more scary how I wasn't nearly as upset about it as I thought I would be. I was just... waiting.
''This is me announcing my arrival,'' someone's familiar voice sounded suddenly. He spoke softly, like he was bent on not scaring me this time.
I laughed, and felt myself unable to stop smiling when I saw Elijah step through the gate. ''Hi,'' I said, skin suddenly prickling with nerves.
''Hi,'' he replied.
I reached over and pulled out a chair for him. Why was I getting so nervous? This is how nervous I should have been before we kissed, not after.
''Are you cold?'' he asked, because apparently my trembling hands didn't escape his eye.
I almost snorted. ''No, no, I'm not.''
I felt like I was back in junior high, freaking out when some boy I liked talked to me. I didn't know what to do. I thought, I had no idea what to do with my hands, but they were already busy keeping me tucked in the blanket. I doubted he was nervous in the same way, when I remembered what I had felt when I read him. Maybe it was just a human thing.
''Have you figured out when you're leaving yet?''
''Yes.''
His eyes searched mine for something, and I knew that he wanted to know if I had changed my mind. I stretched my arm out and rested it with the palm of my hand facing up as an invitation. My heart skipped when he clasped my hand in his, and my lips twitched into a smile.
''I can never have a normal life,'' I said, feeling the smile grow sad. ''I get that now. But I have to make the best of it.''
He looked at our interlocked fingers. There was still a part of me terrified of holding someone's hand, but that was nothing now.
''It's what I have to do, you know? And I think... my mum would have wanted that. Please say you understand.''
''I do.''
''I want...'' I swallowed. ''I want to be with you, but I can't run. I just... I can't.''
Elijah leaned forward, taking my hand in both of his and tracing the lines with his thumbs.
''I'm not sure if you remember,'' he said, and looked up at me, ''but I took you to an apartment.''
Images of a room flashed by. Light wallpaper. Dark flooring. A hurt I repressed as soon as it surfaced. ''I remember.''
''I have several strewn across several cities,'' he continued. ''If you wish, you can stay at one of them.''
I felt myself staring in disbelief at him.
''On your own, obviously,'' he added.
''Well,'' I said, a million things going through my head – but the one thing that came out was, ''depends on the rent.''
Elijah's thumb grazed my wrist, and I flushed, suddenly very aware of his touch.
''That won't be necessary.''
''Oh,'' I said, and tried to calm my traitorous heart. ''It will.''
He smiled a little. ''Alright.''
''And you would-''
''Know where you are.''
''Good,'' I said quietly. ''I mean... yeah.''
The though of inviting him inside crossed my mind, but I decided against it. With the trouble I had forming sentences, there really wasn't room for any misinterpretation. Jesus. I was so nervous. Too nervous.
''You're usually so composed,'' Elijah said, and it took me a second to see the teasing glint in his eyes.
I huffed. ''You- Ha. Very funny.''
''Quite, actually.''
I released my hand and went to hit him on the arm, but he caught it, quickly but gently. Gentler than a human would have. Then he brought it to his face, touching his cheek. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the thought that I could've actually lost him that night.
''You may,'' he said. ''If you want to. If you've forgotten.''
I smiled softly. ''I haven't forgotten.''
''Good,'' he said, and placed a kiss on my wrist. My breath hitched in my throat, and my body longed for him to do it again, but he let go of my hand and I let it drop to my side. The skin where his lips had been was still burning, remembering.
We talked long into the night, about anything and everything. Eventually, I almost fell asleep – Elijah nudged me out of my chair and said goodbye at the door. I think he saw me swaying where I stood, and with a smile turned half amused smirk he bid goodnight by pressing his lips to my hand. Even when I woke the next morning, I would swear that I could still feel them there.
A disclaimer: I know I've left a few things out – like Alaric's transitioning, Klaus' ''death'', the fact that they don't all actually leave, etc. Ev slowly distancing herself after her mother's death would've kept her out of some of that action, and apart from that it was a conscious decision to exclude some things from the narrative to push the story forward. I hope it doesn't seem too rushed. The plan is to get into some of it later. Sometimes, no matter how much time I think I put into editing and making sure I don't write incoherently, I still do *sigh*.
On another note, the next few chapters will be pretty eventful...
