Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries


The sun rose the next morning, as it should. The woods were silent, as they should. But my mind wasn't. The nagging that came and went whenever triggered was more constant ever since last night. There was guilt again. And hesitation. And memories.

A warm hand.

The feel of a coarse suit jacket.

Brown eyes.

Sad eyes.

Dead eyes.

I let out a groan and punched straight into the ground beneath me. Pulling out my hand, I brushed the dirt off on my jeans. Those thoughts weren't supposed to come back. They had been gone, and if not gone then neatly tucked away at the back of my mind. They hadn't had the opportunity to bother me.

Now, they did. More than bother, they started tearing at the seams of my composure, of my peace.

Grumbling in frustration, I started pacing back and forth, pulling my fingers through my messy hair. Why did he have to show up? Why did he have to come and make me... make me... I struggled with the word, because I didn't want to believe it. All those things, they were supposed to be gone. But they were coming back. Damnit, they were coming back. And I didn't know how to be rid of them.

What had happened when he touched my hand and spoke those words, I couldn't forget. It kept bubbling up, and every time I drowned them they managed to resurface.

He had looked so upset that I... that I...

No.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything.

Reaffirming myself over and over again, all it seemed to do was rile me up more. I tore roots from the ground trying to free some of the explosive energy, I grabbed the ring on my finger that now only reminded me of the moment he gave it to me and started sliding it off, only to remember that if I did, the sun would end me.

I wasn't sad.

I wasn't sad.

I wasn't...

Collapsing in a heap on the ground, breathing heavily, I grabbed my head between my hands trying to force it all out. Without success, of course. What could I do to stop it? There had to be something. I hadn't gone through the trouble of shutting myself off for nothing. I couldn't let it go back to how it was before.

Jumping to my feet again, I set off running through the woods, back and forth, not too far so I ended up too close for comfort again. All in an effort to release the built up energy sizzling inside, feeling like it was ready to blow up.

Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn.

I cursed over and over, in my mind and out loud, but everything I did only seemed to make it worse. It wouldn't stop, I wouldn't calm down.

Crying out in a surge of almost rage, I kicked a twig on the ground hard enough to break off part of a tree trunk further away.

''You don't want to be found, don't howl like a bloody mutt,'' a voice rang out from nowhere, and I twisted and turned to find the source.

Rebekah trudged towards me, looking vexed. ''Do you have any idea how bothersome this is?'' she asked. ''These shoes were brand new.''

I took a step back, eyeing her angrily. Angrily. There was no more of that, I told myself, but in vain. ''What are you doing here?''

''I guess you wouldn't come with me willingly if I asked?'' Rebekah said with an exasperated sigh. ''So be it.''


There really was no fighting her. I tried, I did. She was just stronger than me, so much stronger. She all but dragged me through the woods, across a road, and at the sight of some houses we were only the blink of an eye away from arriving where she was taking me.

I found myself thrown into my old living room, confused and frustrated, and tingling with emotions that refused to be turned off.

Rebekah watched me from the doorway. She nodded towards the couch. ''Sit down.''

I clearly waited a second too long, because she was by my side in an instant and pressed me down so I was facing the TV.

''What are you doing?''

''Stopping you from breaking my brother's heart, that's what. Now shut up and watch this.''

''No. I don't know what you're playing at, but-''

Rebekah sighed, and dug her nails in painfully in the back of my neck. She forced my head towards the TV and she kept me there. I tried to turn away, but couldn't move an inch.

''Shut up.''

She pressed a button on the remote and the screen fluttered awake. It was black at first, with nothing but a date in the lower right corner. Then a voice sounded through the speakers.

''Okay, here we go.''

''Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Evangeline... happy birthday to you!''

''Mommy?'' a sleepy voice came from somewhere. Then, a light turned on and I saw my bedroom, and myself; only I was a seven-year-old with messy hair and unicorn pyjamas.

''Happy birthday, honey.''

The tape cut to another scene. ''Stop,'' I whispered, the voices echoing in my head, stirring. ''Turn it off.''

''It's snowing, mommy!''

''I know! Do you want to go outside and build a snowman?''

''Yes!''

''Turn it off,'' I said again, struggling to take the remote from her, struggling to get up, but she held me down as my eyes started itching.

''He needs a hat, don't you think?''

''And a nose, so he can smell.''

Cut.

''Is it still my birthday?''

''Yes, honey, it still is. Hang on, let me feel your forehead. You're looking a little red.''

Cut.

''It's 6:30, her fever has finally dropped. God... I don't know what I would do without that girl.''

The last clip it cut to was yet again in my bedroom, and younger me was sound asleep in the bed. My mother sneaked closer and brushed her hand gently over my head.

''My big girl,'' she whispered. ''My sweet, sweet girl. I love you so much, more than you'll ever know.'' She bent down, and the camera caught only darkness. Then the tape stopped.

Something trickled down my cheeks. Confused, I brought my hand to my face and felt wet tears on my fingers.

Like a dam bursting, everything came back to me. Everything I had pushed back, before that awful day and because of it. I whimpered, pressing my hands against my chest, and toppled over, unable to keep myself upright.

And then I cried. Cried and screamed and whimpered, succumbing to the never ending stream of tears pouring out of my eyes.

It never seemed to stop, and I don't know how long it was before it ended – it felt like hours – but when it did, Rebekah was still there.

''You back to normal now?'' she asked dryly, from her place next to the couch.

I snivelled, gazing up at her. Everything felt odd. The hurt was so familiar, yet still not – and tiring. So tiring. ''You're still here?''

Rebekah shrugged, keeping her arms crossed over her chest. ''I'm making sure you don't go and do anything exceptionally idiotic, like start this all over again.''

I stayed down, no energy to move. ''You don't even want to be here.''

''Don't think you know everything about me.''

''I did so many things,'' I said hoarsely. ''I said so many things, and I didn't mean them. He said he loved me, and I-''

''He told you he loved you?'' she cut me off. ''Elijah did that?''

I closed my eyes, remembering. Saw his eyes. How he had tried. The feeling of him seeping through our joined hands. It was still all so clear, somehow. Maybe it was a punishment.

''I am going to give you some advice,'' Rebekah began from next to me, ''and you'd do best to heed it.'' She paused, and drew a quick breath before continuing. ''Whatever's been said, whatever's been done – leave it all behind you. Don't look back.''

''That couldn't even work for you,'' I mumbled.

''It works if you make it.''

Over and over, I was forced to see everything I had done. Forced to relive it again, only worse. I wanted to claw it out of me, bring my fingers to my neck and wring it out, let it pour down my skin and away. Far away. Squeezing my eyes shut, I inhaled, trembling.

''Come on then, sit up,'' Rebekah said. ''You're not a child.''

I kept on breathing, slowly, carefully. If I lost it again, there was no telling what I'd do. Not to anyone else this time, maybe, but to myself. Wring it out. Pour it out. Breathe, I had to breathe. With every intake of air, my strained throat eased up, little by little. Pour it out. Little by little.

Opening my eyes, I pressed the heels of my palms down and raised myself up so I was sitting again. She had turned off the TV completely. I still thought I heard the humming, until I realised what my ears picked up was much farther away.

My eyes found Rebekah's, and for a moment I thought she looked sad. But the fleeting look was gone quick, and she snapped her fingers before throwing me something. I only caught it on reflex.

I stared at the bottle, out of habit expecting water, but it was almost filled completely with that familiar redness I used to wish I could avoid. Right now, I couldn't seem to care less.

''Don't worry, it doesn't stray from your diet,'' she said. ''Though it doesn't seem to work slimming, if that's what your after.''

''Thank you.'' I took a sip, and every drop of it seemed to remind me of that it wasn't anywhere near as mouthwatering as something else, something very similar. I had to forget about it. Forget it, and instead remember the frightened faces of the people I had hurt.

Somewhere, someone was walking. My ears perked up, and I sat up straight, trying to see if I could see someone outside.

''He will be here tonight,'' Rebekah said, as if she knew what I was thinking.

Of course. His steps were much more quiet than whoever I had just heard. Elijah's face appeared in my mind, but as the sound grew faint he was replaced by another face. Brown eyes. Dead eyes. The person outside passed the house and kept on going.

''Why did you do it?'' I asked, even though I didn't want to hear the answer. Whatever it was, it could never justify any of it.

Rebekah looked away, and I was surprised to realise she was hesitant to tell me. But, eventually, she did, and her voice trembled.

''I don't want to run anymore.''

Part of me felt for her, but only for finally letting herself appear vulnerable. And only part.

''They said you would've gone with us,'' she continued. ''You should consider yourself lucky to never know what it's like.''

''At least I know what it is to do something for someone else's sake.''

She huffed. ''I did do it for someone else. My brothers.''

''You killed her,'' I said sharply. ''I would never do that. Elijah-''

Rebekah cut me off before I could finish. ''Oh, and you know him so well?''

''I'd like to think so.''

''Shall I'll bring you back to, say, a few years ago?''

''I don't need a retelling of everything bad he's done. I don't need to know everything you've done either. Thing is, he's changing. I know that much - and it is enough.'' I looked her straight in the eye, spending whatever was left of my strength to show her the things that she needed to see. ''You want a human life, so you say, and then you take one without remorse? Don't you feel the least bit of guilt?''

Rebekah tilted her chin up defiantly.

''Not in the least.''

She lied.


At half past eleven, there was a knock on the front door and it filled my heart with dread. I had to face him, what I had done, and what I had said – the image of his face from that day was still so vivid in my mind.

I stopped in front of the door. He was out there. I could hear him. That meant that he could hear me, my quick breathing, my hesitation.

One deep breath, then I pulled down the handle.

He met my eyes with a blank expression. I didn't know what to say, what to do.

I took a step forward. At a loss for anything remotely close to the things I wanted him to hear, all I managed was a:

''Hi.''

''Hi,'' he echoed back.

He looked so sad just then, hopeful, but sad, and I was brought back to those defeated eyes in the woods. I felt my eyes tearing up, and before I lost courage, I raised my hand up and placed it against his cheek. Letting everything I was feeling pass through my skin, I never looked away from him.

Then he smiled, and I had never seen a smile like that on his face. I smiled back through tears.

I let my hand drop to my side, but he grabbed it immediately, and I was overcome by the familiarity and safety of his warm hand enveloping mine. I tried to speak, but no words seemed to fit. None of them could tell him exactly what I was thinking, what I was feeling. ''I-''

''I know,'' he said.

Placing my other hand over his, I brought them to my chest. ''No, you have to hear this.''

My mouth felt dry when I tried to speak again. ''I wasn't strong enough,'' I said, stumbling over the words. ''And I should've been, but I didn't know how and I let it wreck me.''

After the initial rush of emotion, I felt strange with him. Small, careful, like whatever I did would unhinge me again. Every step I took, every word, I think he saw and heard how unsure I was. Until I dared look at him, and I mean really look at him, I didn't see that he was acting the same.

''You lost your brother,'' I said quietly, looking him straight and honestly in the eyes. ''And then I... I should've been there for you. I don't know what more to say, or if it's even enough. You didn't deserve this. You didn't.''

Elijah suddenly had a vacant look in his eyes, like he wasn't quite there.

''And I don't know why you chose to let me in. But it's one of the...'' I let out a small laugh. ''It's one of the best things that have happened to me. To know you. To be getting to know you. And I am so grateful, Elijah, for that. I am.''

His composure faltered for just a moment, and I could see a quiver in his lips.

My heart clenched at the sight of his hurt. He had never looked more like a man just then. Not ancient or powerful beyond measure – he looked stripped of all those things. His knuckles were turning white, and he hung his head suddenly, with a barely audible, but heart wrenching, gasp. I could feel the tiny shakes going through his body, shakes he was trying to suppress, and then I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close.

''I'm so sorry,'' I mumbled in his ear, running my hand through his hair slowly. Occasionally, my fingers would graze the skin at the nape of his neck and I felt a slow sorrow seep into me. It felt thick, constricted, like he wasn't letting himself feel it. But some was there, nonetheless.

''Sorry,'' I said, when I rested my fingers a little to long against his skin. His heartache mixed with mine. He leaned back, shaking his head.

''No. No, I just feel you.''

He bent forward and leaned his forehead against mine.

I still didn't know how much time had passed out there in the woods. At any rate, it was too much. The things I had thought then still passed through my mind. The quietness. How comfortable it had been. But, I thought, standing close to Elijah and doing nothing else than breathing was comfortable too. A sweeter quietness than any I had experienced out there.

I would be different after this. Not only would I be, but I had to.

Elijah leaned back slightly, and spoke in a hushed voice. ''What now?''

I pulled him closer. ''Not just yet,'' I whispered. ''Let's just stay here for a while.''

He exhaled. I felt his body tense up and relax with every breath, and eventually we fell into sync. I was scared that if I let him go he would slip through my fingers – that none of this was real, that my mind was so messed up from everything that I couldn't make sense of anything. The longer I was close to him, the clearer it got. It would take time, and I knew I couldn't cling to everyone just to help me feel grounded. But right now, it was me and him, comforting each other, and for a little while, it had to be okay.


Too quick of a turnaround? Maybe, but it did feel sort of natural (as we're heading towards the conclusion as well).