I hope I didn't miss anything in this quick double-check edit. We celebrate Christmas here tomorrow. Happy Christmas!


Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries


It was tough, learning to live with the emotions I had fended off. I cried, a lot. And I fought the urge to throw things with all my might several times a day. I felt like a toddler throwing tantrums and I didn't like it at all, but it did settle down, bit by bit.

The fridge at the house was stocked with blood. I wasn't bothered by it in the same way as before, maybe because I knew the alternative and what that did to me. Now, animal blood seemed not much worse than eating steak or a regular piece of chicken. I knew now, though, the taste of human blood. Maybe the memory of it would fade over time, but every sip I took was a fight not to compare the two.

Most of the time, it was like I was moving through thick fog, not knowing where I was going or what I should do. And I was sad. Sad for Elena and Alaric. Klaus, too. He was difficult, and he wasn't good, but there had been good in him. And Elijah loved him.

The sight of Klaus' body erupting in flames and Alaric's body slipping from my grasp were sights I would never forget. I had almost come to terms with that. Almost.

When I saw Elijah, it gnawed at my very core. He was much as before, but surrounded by relief, and something else. Something that I noticed every time his gaze became unfocused, even if only for a moment. He had lost two brothers now, and Kol was god-knows-where, but I think Klaus hit him the hardest.

But something was starting to feel really strange, because Elijah had been pretty sure that Klaus was the originator of Damon, Caroline, and Stefan's bloodline. And still, no one had died.

I asked him about it one day. He looked deep in thought at the question, but couldn't come up with an answer, either. So, maybe they had been wrong. The good thing was that they were all still alive. Even though Klaus wasn't. Suddenly everything I looked at seemed to be burning.

''There must be something we've missed,'' I said, not being able to escape the shadow of flames and forced to do nothing but endure the painful memory.

Elijah turned his head, watching someone pass outside the kitchen window. ''This,'' he said after a moment's silence, ''all this, it is...''

I could sense the anger in him even without opening up to it. ''I know,'' I said, looking at him from where I sat. ''I know.''

Maybe there had been magic involved again. Bonnie had disappeared that night, and she was tight-lipped about it all. Unless she was just weary around me, as I was now.

There was something about witches, I thought. They had more power than I could imagine. Could do almost whatever they wanted, with whomever they wished. I was reminded of Madeleine, reminded of the similarities in our stories. If I could only have more time with her... she knew more than she had been able to tell, I knew she did. She knew the witches who had made me this, she knew who they were. Biting down on my lip, I knew I had to tread carefully so as not to spiral down into bitterness.

Redirecting my thoughts, I wondered about the things that had happened, and what had been promised before they did. I had agreed to go with Elijah and Klaus, and had been prepared to run across the earth to help my friends. To keep them safe.

Not thinking about what I could have done for Elena, especially, felt like an insult to her memory. I had to honour it, and I was beginning to realise how. I rose from the chair and moved, subconsciously, towards Elijah.

''What are you thinking?'' he asked, bringing me out of my musings.

''That I'm going to have to say a few goodbyes,'' I replied, frowning.

He went still, his gaze lowered to the windowsill. We were both equally sure and unsure, it seemed. I smiled reassuringly, even though he wasn't watching, and said the first thing I that came to mind. ''As long as you'll have me, I won't leave you.''

He straightened up, eyes flickering to mine. ''That might be a very long time,'' he said in a thick voice.

Reaching out and running my hand down the side of his face, he grabbed it and placed a kiss on the palm of my hand. ''Good,'' I said, my tiredness probably reflecting in my smile.

''What are you thinking?'' he asked, wondering about what I had said earlier.

''I'll tell you soon,'' I said. ''There are some things I need to do first.''

I thought of Sarah, who seemed to have been my one friend spared from the supernatural chaos. Well, she had been. Squeezing my eyes shut at the memory, I stepped forward and leaned my head against Elijah, pushing it back as hard as I could.

''Does it ever go away?'' I whispered. ''When you hurt someone. Does it ever go away?''

He knew what I meant. I had told him again, when I was back to normal, and then I included the poor hiker in the woods.

''I wish I could say yes,'' he murmured. ''But no. It never does.''

I nodded feebly. Then I took a deep breath, leaned back and wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. When I looked up at Elijah, I couldn't remember ever being scared of him. Maybe that's how I would feel about everything else, someday, too.


I saw Sarah one day. Terrified that she would spot me too, I turned and walked in the opposite direction immediately. Even from afar, the bandage on her neck was easy to spot. Washed over by guilt and a sinking feeling in my stomach, I couldn't get that image out of my head for hours. I knew that she probably didn't remember anything, after what Damon did, and I was thankful.

There had been no sign of Damon since that day at the cemetery. I did try to call him, once, but the number was disconnected. I couldn't even thank him for dragging me away from Sarah, because even if I remembered the whisper that I had to stop – maybe I wouldn't have. That was something I didn't want to imagine.

I knew his hurt. In a way, we were a lot alike. When it came to it, we both wore our emotions on our sleeves. I just really hoped he was okay, wherever he was, and that he didn't go down a dark path. I knew now what that felt like, and even though I found myself longing for the silent nights in the treetops sometimes, I knew I could never be like that again.


After many ifs and going back and forth in my mind, I sought out Caroline. Weighed down by my grief and how it would resurface when I came close to hers, I went to her house, finding her on the porch swing.

I approached her slowly. She tilted her head in my direction when I came up the steps. ''Ev,'' she said, smiling sadly. ''It's good to see you.''

She looked exhausted. Her eyes were puffy and red, her shoulders slumped in exertion. Her smile wasn't only sad for Elena, I realised when her eyes welled up at the sight of me.

''You know?''

''I know,'' she replied, looking out over the street.

Hesitantly, I joined her on the swing. It barely moved, and I was for yet another time reminded exactly how carefully I could move now, if I wished. Placing my hands on my lap, I followed her gaze towards the street. It was empty, but for a single car passing an intersection further down.

Caroline let out a soft sigh beside me. I heard the shakes in her breath, how she fought them.

She was tense, but displaying very little other emotion after the initial tears had dried out. ''How are you?'' I asked, eyeing her vacant demeanour with increasing worry.

She turned to me, smiling weakly. ''I miss her.''

''Me too,'' I said. ''Me too.''

''I'm really glad you're back,'' she said quietly.

Most of the time, I was too. I really was. But the weight of everything did a good job bringing me down.

Caroline sniffled and leaned her head on my shoulder. She was less tense than before, but I found myself becoming so instead. This was the quietness I feared. The quietness that meant silence on the outside, but roaring storms on the inside.

I fought it, again and again. It was scary how easy it had been to turn the switch off. I wasn't scared of all that it had done to me, I still longed for some of it; but I had been running on instincts rather than empathetic thinking. It was like everything that made me, me, had gone. The remorse that came after the two attacks should've been there before them, but it wasn't.

I supposed it should be glad that it did appear, even if it did so too late.

Opening up slightly, I tapped into the stillness surrounding Caroline, hoping she didn't mind. The older me wouldn't have done it, maybe not the future one either; but the me sitting there did. I didn't pry, I only used what was already on the outside. As soon as I did, I felt a little less stiff but a little more numb. At the moment, I preferred the latter.

We sat like that, leaning on each other, quiet and unmoving, until the sun set.


''Did it hurt him?'' she asked after a long silence.

I adjusted my position a little, finding it strange that nothing hurt from sitting still so long when I actually moved.

''Who?''

She took a while to answer. ''Klaus.''

I saw flames again.

A raised arm.

Burning.

I swallowed, feeling my eyes well up. It had been more than witnessing a death. He had no means of defending himself – all he did was lay there. He hadn't resembled himself at all.

''I don't know,'' I replied honestly, the street before me morphing into harshly lit corridors and back again. ''It was over quickly. He didn't scream.'' My voice faltered, and I struggled with what else to say.

Caroline seemed to deem it a good enough answer. Maybe she didn't want to know all of it, not really. Even if she denied it, I knew some part of her had been drawn to Klaus. She had seen the parts he hid, and perhaps despised about himself sometimes.

''That's good,'' she whispered, and lifted her head from my shoulder. She sat up and in the corner of my eye I saw her staring out into the street again.

''How's Jeremy?''

''Not good. He thinks he's all alone now, but he's not. He's got us, and Stefan's looking out for him.''

I closed my eyes and could only hope he managed to get through it, as well as he could. My heart ached for his sake, and so many others.

Mystic Falls seemed to yet again be clouded in a grey blanket of sorrow and pain. Everywhere one looked, there was someone affected by the death of another. Even the villain – because Klaus had been one, there was no denying it – left behind people mourning him.

It just took the breath right out of you. Everything seemed to move at a sluggish pace, and only because it had to. Not because it wanted to.

I saw another car pass through the same intersection. It had a broken tail light. ''I wish I could turn back time,'' I mumbled.

If only it were possible. But all we got was knowledge of the past to use best we could. There was no changing it, but the future was a different story. An unfinished one.

Sitting beside Caroline, contemplating that, I knew what I had to do. It was daunting, but not as much as I thought. If I were to live with myself for who know's how long, I owed it to both myself and everyone else to do it.

It didn't necessarily mean forever, but if it did – at least I had the time.


We're almost at the end... thank you for the feedback on the last one :)